Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 28, 2008 Author Share Posted March 28, 2008 The main thing which really bothers me and keep hurting me emotionally/mentally is even if she liked this guy, why did she hide it from me..She has never EVER hidden ANYTHING from me in these past 8 years, but then why did she hide this from me that he is messaging/calling her.. She DID tell me that he keeps calling but i trusted her so much that i never ever in my wildest dreams even doubted that something of this sort can take place. After i got to know all this (read header post), THEN she told me that she was about to tell me BUT WHEN!! I really felt so pissed off but i really controlled myself..I really felt EXTREMELY hurt that she had hidden all this from me..Damn, whenever i think about it, i STILL feel very very sad and cheated.. Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 It happens to everyone at some stage I'm afraid. It's unlikely your girlfriend was trying to deliberately hurt you, or consciously deceive you - she may have got in a situation which she wasn't strong enough to admit to because she were scared of the unknown. Sometimes people are scared of being alone, which is why they often start things with new people before ending with the old - that's not fair, but the prime motivation is not to hurt you, it's to protect themselves. That's selfish and cowardly, but we can all be very selfish sometimes - that's also normal. It's a shame when people act in a way that hurts others, but you shouldn't torture yourself over why this might be - it is likely it had nothing to do with you, and just speaks about the kind of person she was, and how little respect she had for you, or how much she took you for granted. Don't beat yourself up - why do you need to understand? Sometimes an act that means a hell of a lot to one person means virtually nothing to another - that's life unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 28, 2008 Author Share Posted March 28, 2008 Yes, true..When asked, all she had to say was "I was scared what would you do.." I mean, what is this, some kind of joke, some kind of game? Obviously, i would feel extremely sad and probably break up with her.. Lies are lies, whatever it might be..I trusted her so much and she had an affair behind my back and i didn't have a clue about it! ****! How could i be so naive..If i wouldn't have checked her cell-phone that day, probably, i would've still been thinking that this girl loves me so much whereas for all i know, they must have been going around behind my back.. Damn! This is scary..But, i really dont know whether she is happy with that other guy or not, because if she would've been really happy and satisfied, i dont think she would've called every alternate day or so..But then, these calls might be just the "testing" calls to test how am i doing, whether i am still there or not.. I just want her to be happy and satisfied..If she is happy and she thinks that he can love her more than i have ever loved her/cared for her, then guess, be it.. Meanwhile, this NC thingy is having SOME sort of effect on her for sure - whether positive or negative, well, that only time will tell... Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Damn! This is scary..But, i really dont know whether she is happy with that other guy or not, because if she would've been really happy and satisfied, i dont think she would've called every alternate day or so..But then, these calls might be just the "testing" calls to test how am i doing, whether i am still there or not.. You're focusing on her and not yourself. You're giving her all the power. Your self-esteem must be very low if you're so concerned about the feelings of someone who has treated you like this. Yes, she may not be happy with this other guy - but even if she isn't her 'testing' calls are probably nothing more than a 'grass is greener' thing. If she actually loved and respected you she wouldn't have done this in the first place. If she actually wanted to be with you she wouldn't have cheated on you. If she appreciated you and loved you she would have dumped this other guy and be down on bended knee apologising for her mistake right now. She isn't doing that. She may want you again because you're no longer hers - that's got nothing to do with actual genuine feeling and everything to do with low self-esteem. Your low self-esteem is why you still want someone who clearly cares very little for you. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but this is what it is. The sooner you wake up and stop focusing on her, the sooner you can start to heal and discover the wonderful women out there who may be right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
wareagle Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Listen Hoss, I have been in your shoes for the last year, I know exactly what you are going through. Every ounce of advice that these great people have given you is the truth. I felt and still feel the same way about my ex as you do. I am talking from experience here, that you should not contact her, if she respected you she would not be contacting you either. I did the same thing as you for the last year, she wouldn't leave me alone after breaking up she wanted to keep me on a leash and pull be back whenever she wanted and I fell for it everytime, and everytime things were good for awhile and then they went to sh*t. I am finally realizing what the nc thing really is and man is it ever empowering. She lied to you once she will continue to lie to you, it will never be the same let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 29, 2008 Author Share Posted March 29, 2008 Thanks for the advices/opinions guys and gals..NC is going on, and i am pretty confident that i can continue it though i feel real weak at times but as of now i am continuing it pretty much because i cannot be her FRIEND, for sure..That would hurt even more than this break-up ever did! Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 Good for you. I know it's really difficult now, but the more you manage to stop being reactive, the stronger you'll feel, and the easier to will be. You've been in a vicious circle of negative feelings - NC will help you start a circle of positive feelings. As someone else here said, it really is empowering, and as you gradually feel more in control, your self-esteem improves as well, which in turn means you don't obsess about her so much, which again improves your control and self-esteem .. and so on. You will heal - hard to see it now, but you will heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 29, 2008 Author Share Posted March 29, 2008 Today, i was mostly okay till a little while back..I suddenly broke down and feeling so depressed and so sad and these tears just dont stop! Damn, i HATE this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 She hasnt called or contacted since day before..I wonder what kind of an effect this NC thingy is having on her... Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Seriously, try to stop obsessing about her. What else are you doing today? Any other friends you can go and see/spend time with? I'm rushing out in a bit to go swimming - not that keen at the moment, but I know I'll love it once I'm there Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Seriously, try to stop obsessing about her. What else are you doing today? Any other friends you can go and see/spend time with? I'm rushing out in a bit to go swimming - not that keen at the moment, but I know I'll love it once I'm there I know i have to stop thinking about what she is doing and all, but its just that the thoughts are sometimes so overwhelming that i just cannot control and just break down.. But still, i am trying to continue my daily, normal schedule... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Ahh! After 4 days of no contact, she called; i didnt answer..Then, she texted - "Why dont you answer my call?" I still didnt reply! Damn it! It really takes some STRONG will power- VERY strong will power to do this, as i am realizing myself..I really really wonder what is going through her mind, why is she still continuing to buzz me or msg me after a few days of 'no contact'.. I just cannot be her friend! NO WAY! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 The latest thing that has happened is since i am totally ignoring her calls/SMSes, she called my elder bro..He picked up the phone..All she had to ask is - "How is Bobby doing? How is his health?" I mean, come-on, what the hell is this? I feel all the more better that i did not answer her calls if all she had to ask was this..!! I also dont understand one more thing, if she is with that guy, then why does she enquire about me and all. Is it out of pity, or is it because she just thinks that since we were together for 8 long years, she should atleast enquire about my well-being? Whatever it is, i just need to move on with my life, specially after today, i really dont feel she is coming back.. :( Which is heart-breaking, but a fact which i need to accept..But i still wonder why does she keep calling after a few days..I dont want her pity.. Link to post Share on other sites
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Look, I reckon all dumpers do the "wondering about your health - mental or otherwise" line when they're sort of regretting their decision and curious about what the other person is up to. Why? It gives them an 'excuse' to call that they can back out on! See, if she's just calling to 'check on your health (may I insert "f*cking patronising c*nts!!!!!!!?!?!?"!?"?"?ARGH!!! - ok glad I got that out - can you tell it's happened to me too?) then if you get your hopes up and she changes her mind, then 'technically' she's only been in friendly touch. My best advice would be this: BE COCKY! Call your brother up and tell him that he needs to get back in touch with her and say you've had a miracle turnaround! It needs to be believable. Have him say "well, I checked up on him after you called, and let me tell you, I was prepared for him to be upset/wallowing/whatever! But he's been planning a trip to timbuktu and he had a spring in his step! I wouldn't be surprised if he's met someone, but he wouldn't say!" Stick that in her pipe and smoke it! And before you feel bad about it, remember she is getting it from some other guy, ok? I would wager a weeks salary if you did that, you'd smoke her out and she'd freak and maybe even show up in tears to find out herself. She may not ask outright, but she will physically put herself in your path if you keep up YOUR AWESOME WORK!!!! And when she does....you are mysterious, happy, vague, looking hot, and 'have plans!' You can even laugh, get up in her face in a sexual way and say quietly "what's the matter _________, are you not getting what you need?" then laugh and back off quickly! Oh! I wish I could watch this! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! REMEMBER HOW HARD THIS HAS BEEN, DO NOT MAKE YOURSELF START ALL OVER. That girl is all over you still like red beans on rice. Link to post Share on other sites
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 THIS was one of the most effective things I read on Loveshack. There are two guys writing from experience. Read it and weep http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/?highlight=winning+back Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 That girl is all over you still like red beans on rice. Do you really feel so datingmum? Then, why doesn't she realize what she has done and perhaps even "TRY" to reconcile? She "knows" that she has done wrong with me, terribly broken my heart - she herself admitted all this the other day, but she just wouldn't come back! Anyways, yes, i also believe she is just checking up on me as to what am i doing and stuff, this asking about "health" stuff might be just that - an excuse! Even my bro told me to start dating someone or perhaps even start going out with a female friend and when she comes to know about it, even though she has broken up with me, she WILL be jealous for sure..Is it true datingmum? But my question is, even if she does feel jealous, what would the final outcome be..?? I really wonder what will happen with me in the future (as far as my broken-heart and this apparently failed relationship goes).. :( @datingmum: I really appreciate and value your opinions..Really.. Link to post Share on other sites
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Hey no problem. Least I can do, chatting with you. I just understand how sad it feels to think of it all on your own. Ok, well, I WAS jealous as the dumper previously. In fact, I threatened (with my friends) to go round and tear the girl out of his house by her hair! I wouldn't have, of course, but I wanted to! Don't know why! It was the early stages. When I saw the girl though, she was like a copy of me, but worse and I got repulsed. The most important factor was that he did not do things right. He did not have confidence, just bitterness, sadness, upset and shyness. If he'd have 'faked' confidence, happiness and change and mystery, I would have been sucked right back in like a fly to honey! Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 "But my question is, even if she does feel jealous, what would the final outcome be..?? I really wonder what will happen with me in the future (as far as my broken-heart and this apparently failed relationship goes).." If you carry on obsessing like this and talking constantly about her on this website you won't be getting over her any time soon. This break-up is going to drag on and on and on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 If he'd have 'faked' confidence, happiness and change and mystery, I would have been sucked right back in like a fly to honey! Oh really? That really sounds a little encouraging but i know i should not start imagining things now.. The truth/fact remains that she dumped me because of that guy and now she is with him..I am moving on, and living my life (trying to, atleast)..I just need to be happy,confident and my usual self, generally.. Lets see how things work out, as for the time being i guess this NC thing does help in getting over your ex. If she comes back, may be we can work out things, even if she doesn't, as sad and heart-breaking as it might be; but that's how life is.. @datingmum: Based on my ex's recent behaviour (calling me even when we broke up mutually, and calling my bro in desperation and messaging me "Why aren't you replying my calls?"), what do YOU feel, coz you have been the dumper, right? What MIGHT be going through her mind? I understand there isn't no sure-shot way of telling,ofcourse, but still... Why, inspite of being with him, she needs to "check up" on me from time to time (every 4-5 days)...??:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 If you carry on obsessing like this and talking constantly about her on this website you won't be getting over her any time soon. This break-up is going to drag on and on and on. I know that macon but today i am feeling quite confident and quite in control of myself although i know today might be one of the "better days", but i just want to comprehend the situation. I know this won't bring any solid results as such, but i guess, my mind just wants to know.. I know it feels like i am obsessed with her still, i guess, yeah, to some extent i am, because somedays she is JUST so much into my thoughts like today, but still i have not broken down today or felt depressed.. Link to post Share on other sites
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I did tell you what I thought! My bets are, she's regretting her decision and seeing what the lay of the land is. What you do not want to do is chase her or give her anything but the appearance you are utterly ok and confident and NOT angry. I was the dumper in my first marriage, and I've been the dumpee in my latest relationship. So, guess I've been on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Until you learn to let go of someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you, you will yo-yo between good days and bad days constantly. Yes this is going to be hard, but you're 'keeping your dream alive' as it were by talking and talking about her every day here. Can't you try and talk about yourself and your expectations of life perhaps instead? Atleast for one single day? Seriously, I don't think anyone can help you if you can't stop being reactive for 5 seconds - infact, we're just feeding your obsession by wondering with you about your exes motives, so the whole exp here is ultimately detrimental. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 1, 2008 Author Share Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks for all the advices guys..I appreciate it. I got up this morning and i am feeling a little better now..Perhaps, i am beginning to appreciate life, just a little... Link to post Share on other sites
macon Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Why don't you tell us about other stuff you're doing - how are your friends and family? Are you relying on them for support? Are they aware of how you're feeling? Are you going out and seeing them? Going and doing any sports/exercise? What do you like to do in life? Just really want to get your focus off his woman, even if only for a moment! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bobby.Roy Posted April 1, 2008 Author Share Posted April 1, 2008 Why don't you tell us about other stuff you're doing - how are your friends and family? Are you relying on them for support? Are they aware of how you're feeling? Are you going out and seeing them? Going and doing any sports/exercise? What do you like to do in life? Just really want to get your focus off his woman, even if only for a moment! Well, i am working as a writer and a freelance photographer...My family consists of my parents and my elder brother. My brother knows everything that has been happening with my now ex, since the past 8 years AND what has been happening since the last 1 month (the whole break-up "episode"). I love to click pictures (loads of them), motorcycle touring, writing and love watching movies.. Glad that you asked..Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts