love and marriage

[Sula]

Hello all,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

 

I'm a 20 year old college student in florida. I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now, and he recently asked to marry me, and I accepted.

 

I'm actually worried about the nature of our relationship. We're very close, best friends, and we talk about everything. We still stay up until the wee hours talking about everything under the sun and we just as well might live together because we spend so much time together. He's always consciencious about calling me and telling me where he is, etc. We're also very clingy. Whenever we're in the same room, we sit next to one another and hold hands or cuddle.

 

when we fight, both of us get very emotional. He's always afraid that I'll leave him. The problem is that I have a chronic illness that's genetic. It's nothing too bad, I look normal, but I require a lot of medication and am sick enough to miss class at least once a week, and I tend to be sleepy and weak from my meds. I think that we may be codependent, according to what I've read.

 

I'm afraid that we are codependent, but everything seems to work with us. It's just that as far as I can tell, our relationship should be classified as unhealthy because we are too close, you see? We spend as much time together as we can possibly squeeze in, and sometimes I let sex or cuddling get in the way of studying or hanging out with other friends. I'm afraid that he needs to be needed, and that's why he loves me...he always tells me how he'll take care of me, he fills prescriptions for me and drives me to the doctors a lot, too. I jsut don't want to be loved out of pity, I suppose. What do you think?

[Totally Confused]

Well, I don't think he loves you out of pity, but I do think that if you marry this man at your age, you are making a big mistake. You've only been together for 7 months and you really need more time to get to know each other. The fact that you're writing this letter and making references to co-dependency, shows that you know what the deal is. When he says, "don't leave me", when you two fight...that's a co-depenency and a neediness right there. If he's worried you're going to leave him over a little fight, then he's going to live a life of worry, because in every relationship people fight and if he can't deal with it, he's really going to have to talk to a therapist. If you are in a healthy relationship with a healthy, the other person won't feel the entire relationship is threatened over little spats and also, a person won't threaten the relationships over little spats.

 

Also remember, the newness of the relationship can be incredibly overwhelming and it's a constant adrennilin rush with butterflies in the stomach...aahhh that funny feeling is great. But when things get tough and hard, will you two be able to stick it out over time? Also, it sounds to me like the two of you can't breathe without each other. Love, mariage and relationships are not made up of 2 halves making a whole, it's 2 wholes making a whole. It sounds like you two are too dependent upon each other. If you have to be that clingy and around each other all the time and you are both rushing (after only 7 months) to get married or engaged, then you two are insecure and scared that if you don't marry now, you'll lose the other - that's not real love. If it's real love, it will still be there for the two of you a couple of years from now...what's the rush? Your clock's not ticking yet!!! Take time and get to know who you are first. Who you are now at 20, will be entirely different from who you will be at 25. Give yourself time to grow first and if it's meant to be with this guy, you'll grow together and still be there. If you must, move in together first, but I promise, you'll feel differently after 1 year or 2 of dating and living together. Yeah, the idea of marriage sounds wonderful and a great happy ending, but it's a lot of hard, hard work. I dated a guy for 6 years, the first 2/3 years, he was the man I wanted to marry...I was 19 when I met him. When I hit 25, he annoyed me and I couldn't stand him - we totally grew apart and wanted different things. I thought to myself, "Thank God, I didn't marry him...if I had, I'd be miserable, because now I'm with a man I totally am in love with now." We are best friends. I'm older and now ready for something that's healthy and nurturing, not smothering and confining." He and I don't NEED each other, we enjoy, appreciate and share our experiences with each other.

 

Life isn't just about growing up and finding a mate and "BOOM" it's done. It's about living and enjoying things. Growing and exploring...then eventually finding that special someone and settling down to raise a family. Does he have a good job? Does he have a nice amount of money(nest egg) saved up for a home, for food, for clothing, for a family? Have you two even prepared for anything? You said you're sick...can he or you afford to pay for your treatments? Do one of you have a good medical plan from your job? Once you're married, you'll be off of your family's medical plan.

 

I guarantee, if you marry this man, 5 years from now, you'll regret it and you'll resent him. If you wait a couple of years and then marry him, you'll definitely be more prepared and much happier. You haven't experience enough...take it from a person who's older than you.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulder, so I know you'll end up doing what's best for you in the end. I hope everything works out relationship wise and medically. Good luck.

[Shirley]

Hello all, Thank you for taking the time to read this!

 

I'm a 20 year old college student in florida. I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now, and he recently asked to marry me, and I accepted. I'm actually worried about the nature of our relationship. We're very close, best friends, and we talk about everything. We still stay up until the wee hours talking about everything under the sun and we just as well might live together because we spend so much time together. He's always consciencious about calling me and telling me where he is, etc. We're also very clingy. Whenever we're in the same room, we sit next to one another and hold hands or cuddle. when we fight, both of us get very emotional. He's always afraid that I'll leave him. The problem is that I have a chronic illness that's genetic. It's nothing too bad, I look normal, but I require a lot of medication and am sick enough to miss class at least once a week, and I tend to be sleepy and weak from my meds. I think that we may be codependent, according to what I've read. I'm afraid that we are codependent, but everything seems to work with us. It's just that as far as I can tell, our relationship should be classified as unhealthy because we are too close, you see? We spend as much time together as we can possibly squeeze in, and sometimes I let sex or cuddling get in the way of studying or hanging out with other friends. I'm afraid that he needs to be needed, and that's why he loves me...he always tells me how he'll take care of me, he fills prescriptions for me and drives me to the doctors a lot, too. I jsut don't want to be loved out of pity, I suppose. What do you think?

 

Hi!

 

This is the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. He's a part of you and you're a part of him. It is not co-dependency. I met my husband 22 years ago, and we felt and acted just like that. And we still do. People who don't understand this kind of love will call it obsession. What you need to remember to do is go with your feelings. Feelings in your heart, that is. And don't let anyone stand in your way. Fear and worry are feelings of the mind, not the heart. And love is the most powerful feeling in the world.

[Sula]

Actually, I was just going to reply to Totally Confused about that. His parents met and became engaged after only a week! They've been married for 25 years now.

 

Sometimes I think about all the psychobabble and codependency talk and I'm like, what ever happened to love at first sight? What ever happened to that all-consuming passion that motivated poets to write beautiful lyrics and artists to paint exquisite portraits? If everyone had lived their life according to the modern ideas of healthy relationships, there would never have been such beautiful art created...