Kozy9 Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 My boyfriend and I have known each other for years and have been together, on and off, for 5 years. A couple of years ago, during a time when we were broken up and hadn't spoken for a few months, he had a casual relationship with another woman and got her pregnant. My boyfriend's daughter was born last Summer. The Mother of the child would not allow him to be there when the baby was born and, in the beginning, made it very difficult for him to see his child at all. They eventually went to court and agreed upon Joint Custody. This means that my boyfriend spends one evening a week with his daughter, as well as all day on Sundays. On Sundays, my boyfriend picks up his daughter and takes her to his house for the day. I think this is wonderful and have spent many of these Sundays with my boyfriend and his daughter, which is important to me, as I want to develop a good relationship with her as well. The problem I have is regarding the weekly evening visits. One evening a week, my boyfriend goes to his daughter's mother's house to spend time with his child. The Mother leaves the home during these times and usually does not return until late in the night or early in the morning. Although I don't agree that my boyfriend should have to spend his evening visits at the Mother's house, I have not given him a hard time about it at all. The thing that bothers me is that occasionally, the Mother will stay out until midnight or later and when she gets home, she lets my boyfriend sleep on the couch, rather than him going home. My problem is not that I think anything is going on between them (because I don't!), it's just that I don't think it is necessary for my boyfriend to EVER spend the night at his BABY MAMA's house. I don't think it is healthy for the child, and I also believe that it is very disrespectful to me on both of their parts. I have asked my boyfriend to compromise with me on this. I've told him that I don't have a problem with him spending time with his daughter AT ALL, but that I am not okay with him spending the night at her house. He refuses to compromise or change the situation at all. I truly believe that he is going along with whatever the Mother wants because he thinks she has all the power when it comes to decisions regarding their daughter. Has anyone gone through this? I don't think this is normal at all, and I don't know anyone else that sleeps over at their child's mother's house. Do you?? I also can't believe that any other woman would be okay with this. Anyone have any advice?? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 My ex's baby's mama was actually living with HIS parents. He would go there to visit, and when he stayed there over night, I felt uncomfortable with this, but also kept it to myself, as I know how much it meant to him to see his son. Is he not allowed to bring his daughter home on that evening? Can you suggest it? That would show that you love spending time with his daughter as well, and it doesn't take time away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Whose idea is it for him to stay over? I doubt that Baby Momma is forcing him to stay. What would be her motivation for forcing him to stay particularly since nothing is going on? It sounds like he stays because he wants to, not because he feels forced to (regardless of what he tells you - he may just be telling you the "she forces me" part to hide the fact that it is his choice to stay there). Perhaps he just likes being able to be part of the bedtime/morning routine with his daughter and being over there gives him more than just his one day a week and his Sunday? What would your boyfriend say to asking Baby Momma (or petitioning the court) for an additional day of visitation so that he can have it at his house instead of having to have it at hers? Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Wake up. He and his ex are sleeping together. Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 I have asked my boyfriend to compromise with me on this. I've told him that I don't have a problem with him spending time with his daughter AT ALL, but that I am not okay with him spending the night at her house. He refuses to compromise or change the situation at all. If you've made it clear it bothers you an he's made no effort to change then your actions from here on out are completely justified. The whole things just seems wrong, and that's what's fueling your fire. There is no reason at any hour when his ex-returns that he cannot just pick up and go home from there. I think the only thing that has been compromised is his ability to carry on the lying here that's clouding your relationship, because if he cared he would not stay with his ex out of respect for you. Plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
compassion42 Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Yeah, it is totally not cool for him to be spending the night at his child's mothers home. You sound like me in that you are trying to trust your bf and assuming everything is kosher but truly...it's not ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Has anyone gone through this? Yes, I have.. the very first bf I had after my first separation was staying at the mother's apart. every week.. but it was convenient for him.. since she was about 1.5 hour away.. and for him to stay there overnight.. the next day he only had .5 hour drive to work... I didn't mind cause I knew it was over.. maybe they slept together but hey.. I'm not the jealous type and there is nothing I could have done anyway.. so.. I finally left him but not for that reason. My advice.. if you are not comfortable with that.. I say..move on.. they are 'attached' for life because of this child.. there is not much you can do about it anyway... this bond is stronger.. IMO Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kozy9 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) Replicant, it's like you read my mind! I have been telling him the exact same thing... that there is NO reason that he can't get up and go home, no matter what time it is. Thanks for confirming that I'm not just being the irrational girlfriend! Edited March 24, 2008 by Kozy9 Wanted to Link to post Share on other sites
coco85 Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 I had this same problem...but my boyfriends child/mother live in another state. He only sees her about once ever month or so. He will stay for 3 or 4 days and tell me that he will stay at his families house or his friends house, but one time out of the 2 or 3 nights he will stay at the child's house. She lives with her parents and he swears he doesn't do anything with her. He says that he falls asleep with the baby and he is trying to get as much time as possible since he barely sees her. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbutcheeky Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 How far away does she live from him? Is it easier because of location that he spend the evening/night there to spend as much time with his daughter for the weekday visit? Vs drive there, pick her up, drive to his place and drive back? I don't think there is any reason he needs to sleep over. I can see maybe he go there, spend the evening with his baby while the mother has the night out. Babysitting in a way to give her a break too. The only need to stay over though would be if she wasn't coming home. Link to post Share on other sites
crazyk84 Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 im in exactly the same situation with my bf. all you can do is reiterate your feelings, you need to make sure nothing is happening between them first and once you are 100% sure all you can do is trust him! if he wants to do it, he will with or without your blessing... if you cant except it then you have to make some hard choices else this issue will start to eat away at you and will become a big issue in your relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Replicant, it's like you read my mind! I have been telling him the exact same thing... that there is NO reason that he can't get up and go home, no matter what time it is. Thanks for confirming that I'm not just being the irrational girlfriend! Nah you're not being irrational, you just doubt your confidence to stand by what you think is right. (you shouldn't) If someone cares, it should not take the same conversation in plural to get the message across to them before they decide to act on it or not. Especially situations which dance on the fine line which is that of a relationship dealbreaker. Honestly he must be wearing one of his sons diapers on his head, because his thoughts on this matter are seriously full of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Milan721 Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Has anyone gone through this? I don't think this is normal at all, and I don't know anyone else that sleeps over at their child's mother's house. Do you?? I also can't believe that any other woman would be okay with this. Anyone have any advice?? My husband's ex and their son live an ocean and a continent away, so when it's time for us to get his son for the summer, he flies there to pick him up and flies there again to take him back. Both trips, twice a year he's staying at her house for at least a day. But, as you can imagine, the plane tickets back and forth and back and forth are incredibly expensive and push our budget to the limit as it is. A hotel room would just be too much. Does it drive me crazy, hell yes. But as Lizzie states below - there's not much you can do about it. I knew this mess before I got into the situation! I say, if you can't handle it and have reason not to trust him, get out before you think about marriage or kids of your own with him. Has anyone gone through this? My advice.. if you are not comfortable with that.. I say..move on.. they are 'attached' for life because of this child.. there is not much you can do about it anyway... this bond is stronger.. IMO Link to post Share on other sites
kirikat Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Ok, it seems to me that absolutely none of the responders has children - so let me be the first: You may not like this, but that child, her mother, and your boyfriend are a FAMILY. PERIOD. I don't care that you don't like it. If you press this, you will lose. If you press it, you DESERVE to lose. You are a grown person, single, with no dependants. That child is innocent, needs her parents, the custody arrangement is TERRIBLE, and never having had a child, I would venture to say that you have no flipping idea how hard that womans life is. There is nothing unhealthy about him spending the night... as a matter of fact, the healthiest arrangement for that baby would be for them to get a duplex, so that the child has 2 resident parents. After the birth of my child, my husband and I split. I now live in Europe, and he comes to visit about 4 times a year, for a total of 3 months or so. And he stays with us so that my son has a feeling that he belongs to a real family.... my ex meets my boyfriends, we all have dinner together, because as adults we all recognize that the REAL priority is the health and emotional well being of the child. SO - do you want to continue to be a jealous, controlling #####, or do you want what is in the best interests of you, your boyfriend, your boyfriends little girl, and your boyfriends X? If, as I hope, it is the second, how about you back off, make friends with that woman, offer to help her where you can, and encourage, to the best of your ability, a healthy and stable family that YOU are a part of? Because, if ANY of my boyfriends EVER acted like you - he'd be GONE. Any decent parent would NEVER choose a lover over their kid, and you are setting him up to make that choice. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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