Wife, 4 affairs, pain, distrust, confusion, hope.

[Sharpshooter090]

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. I'm 22, and she's 26. We have a 3 year old daughter.

 

I will admit I have not been a good husband, and have 2 emotional affairs on her. I have never touched another woman and I could never do that, and I'm done with the emotional affairs, the last one was 2 years ago. I've been very accepting of the pain I've caused her and tried everything I could to explain to her honestly why I did it, how I was wrong, how my mindset is now and why I wouldn't ever do it again, etc. I've also only worked for 2 / 4 years (13 months were spent in Brazil), and she's worked 3 / 4 years. I've also neglected her in the past by not spending enough time with her.

 

I was my wife's first, and she was my 2nd. Since me, she has slept with at least 4 other guys, had emotional affairs with at least 3 others.

 

I have forgiven her every time due to my horrible marriage performance, changing myself and trying to get better everyday. She has been faithful for 4 months now that she claims. The last month or so she has gotten very distant again (like all the other affairs), and our sex life has almost died. The distrust is killing me.

 

I love this woman more than anything and I feel completely attached to her. The guys she met for affairs were all stupid, losers, and ugly. I am afflicted with nightmares on a nightly basis, daymares (just memories) often, and the pain is excruciating. I am extremely resilient and stubborn which I credit for my staying in the marriage.

 

Sorry this post has been so jumpy and what not... I'm actually a very good writer but when it comes to this subject, I'm completely flustered and confused and I can't think straight. What I'd like help with is...

 

Has your spouse cheated on you?

How devastated were you?

How many times did it happen?

Do they stop?

Does the pain stop?

How does the pain stop?

How do you stop bringing up the affairs in fights that you think your actions are results of the affairs?

How do you stop acting in response to the affairs?

Is there a 'magic number' of affairs that tells you they are just cheating whores?

How much to blame am I?

etc... any other input will be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[Tripper]

SS, I'm sorry for you situation and the pain you are experiencing. This is not a very healthy environment in which to bring up your child.

 

I think the first thing you both need to do is to decide together if you want to stay together in this marriage. Certainly the fact you have a child is a major factor for she is entitled to be properly looked after in a loving environment.

 

If you both agree to stay together you need to get to marriage counseling and individual therapy to deal with a plethora of issues.

 

Right now the trust, which all relationships are founded on, is broken. You need to explore if it can be regained. Love is not enough. Your W needs to figure out why she has had several affairs and how she is going to stop. You need to work on getting the nightmares and "daymares" under control before you end up in clinical depression from the stress.

 

Part of MC is to learn to fight fair. With out name calling and recriminations about past behaviour as you discuss and work out issues. Also you need to figure out how to break the cycle that you are in.

 

I realize I haven't answered many of your questions but the real issues are underlying and won't be resolved easily. You need to learn how and if you want to break the pattern and repair your relationship

[Bryanp]

Are you kidding me? You have been married only 4 years and she has had sexual affairs with 4 different men and 3 other emotional affairs. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? Clearly she does not care much about your marriage or you. This is such an unhealthy environment to bring up a child. It certainly was wrong of you to have an emotional affair with two other women but for your wife to have 4 physical affairs is way beyond the limits. How can you have any respect for such a spouse?

 

I would strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. She keeps screwing other men and you keep forgiving her. What is wrong with this picture? Did she confess or was she caught? What are reasons and justifications for this? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She sounds way too immature to be married. See a lawyer.

[TMCM]

Sadly an innocent child has been brought into the picture and while it is true that a healthy marriage is the ideal environment for raising children, your's is far from it. You and your wife have a moral duty and obligation to make sure that BOTH of you are on the ball as to how best to protect your child's best interests. Believe me that it is far, far better when even divorced spouses make the rules instead of having them imposed by them from the family courts.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, you cannot force her to change or change the things she's done but you certainly can create an emotionally safe environment where the two of you can openly talk about your deepest thoughts and feelings (intimacy). This in and of itself will not save your marriage but it can help you from becoming enemies if the two of you come to the conclusion that what is best for the two of you is to end the marriage. Please consider that you may love your wife like no other but like any loved one, you cannot stop her from self destructing. Your wife has some serious issues that probably predate the marriage and until she acknowledges them, and makes the commitment to resolve them, she will continue on the same self destructive path. Tough love in the form of divorce may be the most loving thing you will ever do for her.

[IpAncA]

I was my wife's first, and she was my 2nd. Since me, she has slept with at least 4 other guys, had emotional affairs with at least 3 others.

 

And your still with her? What is she up to now, 7? How many do you allow?

 

She has been faithful for 4 months now that she claims. The last month or so she has gotten very distant again (like all the other affairs), and our sex life has almost died. The distrust is killing me.

 

Granted you shouldn't have done what you did, but she seems WAY out of control. At least you claimed to have stopped...think she has? Once didn't stop her, twice didn't stop her, third time didn't stop her, etc...

 

What makes you think she'll stop now? Obvious her word doesn't mean jack and your blind by whatever it is. If you both plan to remain faithful and in this marriage long term, seriously consider MC and IC as well.

 

Good luck and keep posting if it helps. There's lots on here that can help.

 

BTW...get an STD test. There's no telling who she's been with.

[Darth Vader]

My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. I'm 22, and she's 26. We have a 3 year old daughter.

 

I will admit I have not been a good husband, and have 2 emotional affairs on her. I have never touched another woman and I could never do that, and I'm done with the emotional affairs, the last one was 2 years ago. I've been very accepting of the pain I've caused her and tried everything I could to explain to her honestly why I did it, how I was wrong, how my mindset is now and why I wouldn't ever do it again, etc. I've also only worked for 2 / 4 years (13 months were spent in Brazil), and she's worked 3 / 4 years. I've also neglected her in the past by not spending enough time with her.

 

I was my wife's first, and she was my 2nd. Since me, she has slept with at least 4 other guys, had emotional affairs with at least 3 others.

 

I have forgiven her every time due to my horrible marriage performance, changing myself and trying to get better everyday. She has been faithful for 4 months now that she claims. The last month or so she has gotten very distant again (like all the other affairs), and our sex life has almost died. The distrust is killing me.

 

I love this woman more than anything and I feel completely attached to her. The guys she met for affairs were all stupid, losers, and ugly. I am afflicted with nightmares on a nightly basis, daymares (just memories) often, and the pain is excruciating. I am extremely resilient and stubborn which I credit for my staying in the marriage.

 

Sorry this post has been so jumpy and what not... I'm actually a very good writer but when it comes to this subject, I'm completely flustered and confused and I can't think straight. What I'd like help with is...

 

Has your spouse cheated on you?

How devastated were you?

How many times did it happen?

Do they stop?

Does the pain stop?

How does the pain stop?

How do you stop bringing up the affairs in fights that you think your actions are results of the affairs?

How do you stop acting in response to the affairs?

Is there a 'magic number' of affairs that tells you they are just cheating whores?

How much to blame am I?

etc... any other input will be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

 

First off, you couldn't have done anything to cause your wife, or whatever, to cheat on you in the first place, reguardless of the EA's that you had. So stop blaming yourself! Second, it sounds like she's having revenge affairs, to get back at you, just to be nasty! To show you that she (because she's a woman) can do much worse than you! It's her form of sick, twisted, and manipulative punishment, rather torture! That's my take!

 

She's already a cheating w**** from PA affair #1! She's not likely to stop anytime soon, at least until she or you has AIDS! I would contact a Lawyer to Divorce this woman, or whatever she is, find out about your rights!

 

By the way, as far as her Banging OM goes, how long has it been going on for? How did you find out about all of these affairs? I would get your daughter DNA tested to find out if she's really your daughter! If she's not, talk to your lawyer about filing a lawsuit against your wife, (as you divorce her) for Paternaty Fraud, it depends from state to state, but, see what your rights are, because if you don't, she'll milk you for money until that childs 18, and then some! Protect your assets, your home, etc. Can you prove that she's an unfit mother(HINT)? Otherwise your wife will get custody, assuming that the child may be yours.

 

I know the thought has run through your head, but, it's always better to check everything out, We're here for you! Vader out!

Edited March 23, 2008 by Darth Vader

[Sharpshooter090]

She was caught every time and proceeded to lie through her teeth when there was so much evidence stacked against her.

 

She is also Brazilian and very needy emotionally, whereas I am very self-sufficient. I have been a stay-at-home Dad when I should have worked and brought home money, but then again, she was cheating on me while I was and wasn't working.

 

Also the daughter is mine, she was born and Brazil and we had to get a DNA test in order for her to get her American citizenship.

 

We both take a lot of blame and responsibility for what we have done, I was just wondering about the questions I posed in the first post. About the pain and everything. I guess there are no 100% answers huh?? There's just too many variables involved.

 

Just looking for other people's experiences and opinions.

 

Again, thanks for the replies and concern =)

[Bryanp]

She was caught each time and proceeded to lie through her teeth? Clearly she sees no boundaries in this so-called marriage. She cheats on you because she knows you are dependent on her and will keep forgiving her. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I do not mean to be harsh but you are a doormat and there is nothing attractive about being a doormat. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

I just find it hard to imagine that after she cheated on you the third time she continues a fourth time. What in the world makes you think there will not be a fifth time? I am sorry for you but I think you are in major denial if you think this will not happen again. Please have the both of you checked for STD's.

[Tripper]

I was just wondering about the questions I posed in the first post.

 

For what it's worth here's my 2 cents..

 

• Do they stop?
  

Once a cheater always a cheater.. unless there is some divine revelation or life altering consequence.

 

• Does the pain stop?
  

Eventually the pain will stop... but the memory will always be there.

 

• How does the pain stop?
  

Major pain, loss etc. starts to fade when you've gone through an entire cycle of seasons, ie a year.. therapy helps... again the memory will always be there...

 

• How do you stop bringing up the affairs in fights that you think your actions are results of the affairs?
  

You need to learn to fight fair. No recriminations, no name calling, etc.. address the issues... easier said than done... MC helps with learning this..

 

• How do you stop acting in response to the affairs?
  

Not sure what you mean. The pain is emotional.. a broken trust.. betrayal.

 

• Is there a 'magic number' of affairs that tells you they are just cheating whores?
  

"Shame me once it's your fault, shame me twice it's my fault". I can understand making the mistake once.. human fallibility, learning from it and never doing it again, but more than that??? Major issues..

 

• How much to blame am I?
  

You take blame for your actions and the harm it did to your marriage HOWEVER you are not to blame for your W's hopping into bed with 4 other guys. That was totally her decision.

 

SS, you need to make your own decision as to how to proceed, however it this were my marriage, I have forgiven the first transgression as I've come to understand human fallibility but at the second affair, I would have grabbed my daughter and been out the door.

Your W has some major issues she needs to deal with. You need to draw the line in the sand... IOW if you want to stay married you get MC and if it ever happens again, you and your daughter are gone.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[jmargel]

Has your spouse cheated on you?

How devastated were you?

How many times did it happen?

Do they stop?

Does the pain stop?

How does the pain stop?

How do you stop bringing up the affairs in fights that you think your actions are results of the affairs?

How do you stop acting in response to the affairs?

Is there a 'magic number' of affairs that tells you they are just cheating whores?

How much to blame am I?

etc... any other input will be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

1) Emotionally she did with her ex, after we were married

 

2) Very hurt.. Something I never thought she would do

 

3) Once

 

4) She stopped when I decided to use 'tough love'. Get the book 'love must be tough'. You two also need marriage counseling.

 

5) The pain never stops 100%. However time helps along with her realizing what she did and why. You learn to take what was done, cope with it and put it behind you. You can't do that yet because it's still there. You have not dealt with the real issues on what is going on in your marriage. Deal with that and find better communication between you two and you two will be able to move onto better things with each other

 

6) That is what marriage counseling is for, to learn how to communicate better and get across how much hurt the affair has caused. Once you do this, the affair will be brought up less and less during any other arguements.

 

7) By Marriage Counseling

 

8) Magic number? Once is too much. There is a reason why this is happening. Find out the reason and the cheating will most likely stop.

 

9) You are to blame for your emotional cheating, however there is no excuse for her cheating, period. You two have major communication issues that need to be addressed by a marriage counselor.

 

She is also only 22 years old, with a 3 year old. She hasn't matured yet. She hasn't sown her wild oats yet. This is another issue you will be dealing with. You also need to get checked for STDs. I would highly recommend getting a marriage counselor this week. This is something you will not be able to fix by yourself.