I need a reality check

[spookie]

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Ken the ex-rockstar came in to the strip club while I was working.

 

He's sort of my soulmate. I can tell when I look in his eyes. Unfortch, he's a little too old for me and the circumstances of our meeting aren't right. So why we're just friends.

 

Anyway, we hung out during my shift, and then he invited me to chill with him after work.

 

Ken is coool. He's super-smart and interested in a lot of the same stuff I am so he's always a blast to talk to. I looovee hanging out with him.

 

 

That night, it wasn't just me and him, though. The two of us, 2 other strippers, the door-girl, and the security dude all came with us to Ken's house. It was my first time hanging out with people from work, and I've gotta say, they are not nearly as 2-dimensional as I had thought.

 

The security dude, it turned out, is a 31-year old ex-con coke dealer. He got out of prison a couple of months ago, after serving 14 years for a b+e, but he was SMART, calm as a rock, and one of those people that very clearly knows just who he is. I was surprised to find myself discussing Marquez with him for hours. I just had no idea guys who went to prison instead of high school READ.

 

Beth, it turned out, was also way cooler than I had thought from just watching her dancing. She's the badassest person I know, and, at 20 years old, is probably one of the wisest. Though she grew up rich, she's been through hell and back, and she's got more personality than I will ever have. Plus, she is HOT.

 

The door girl, a tiny asian chick, is an art major at my college. I've always thought she was super-nice, but I had no idea we went to school together, or that she has the same sense of humor I do, or views the same in much the same way.

 

Anyway. So all of us went over to my soulmate's house, which is this totally empty 8-bedroom McMansion in a ritsy neighborhood, and we did coke for 25 hours straight. L

 

Ken had a whole bunch of coke, the security dude had a whole bunch, Beth had some, and when we finished everything, which was probably 10 or so of those 20-dollar baggies, we called a drug dealer, who brought us some more.

 

Literally, for 25 hours (that whole night, the whole day after, and that evening) all we did was snort coke, smoke cigs outside the house, and talk. It was awesome, seeing all the people I work with so animated (and clothed), realizing they are intelligent, all have stories, and being able to connectto them like that. I've been having problems with my college friends as of late (who of course are hippie sheltered little white girls) and it was amazing to connect to people I normally wouldn't even talk to.

 

Anyway. So my problem is, now that my co-workers and I are friends, people are offering me cocaine left and right. I've been snorting up at work almost constantly for the past month, and leaving the place with a little baggie for completely free each night (the security dude or some other guys always have some, and as soon as I start looking tired someone slips me a baggie).

 

I don't feel addicted. I don't feel crappy when I DON'T do it, I just feel good when I do. (S!4t, I did three lines writing this post!). It feels like I felt when I started smoking pot, but I know, in my head, that this is a lot more serious.

 

I can SEE the side effects, too, but for now they're all just amazing. For example, I've lost a TON of weight. I'm 5'8 and all my life I've been 135, but today I weighed myself and I am now hovering over 110. I knew I was losing weight dancing, so it's not just the coke; but this month alone my clothes have definitely felt looser than before.

 

I just need someone to tell me I need to stop doing this. I know I'm going to have to stop in June, when I have to move to Chicago for my job; but that just makes it easier to justify everything I do now as a one-in-a-lifetime experienvce.

 

Please. Just tell me I'm a moron, that this will fcvk me up if I keep going the rate I am. Cause it really doesn't seem like it, and that scares me.

Edited March 23, 2008 by spookie

[Star Gazer]

I just had no idea guys who went to prison instead of high school READ.

 

What else do they have to do in prison? Most men get out from behind bars much wiser and more educated than when they went in.

 

It was awesome, seeing all the people I work with so animated (and clothed), realizing they are intelligent, all have stories, and being able to connect to them like that. I've been having problems with my college friends as of late (who of course are hippie sheltered little white girls) and it was amazing to connect to people I normally wouldn't even talk to.

 

You realize you don't need coke to make that sort of connection with others, right? You do it here every single day, with a wide variety of people...and that's just the internet, for crying out loud.

 

And BS you're not addicted. What was that depression you were facing last week? I'll tell you. You didn't have access to coke, that's why you felt so sh*tty.

 

I just need someone to tell me I need to stop doing this. I know I'm going to have to stop in June, when I have to move to Chicago for my job; but that just makes it easier to justify everything I do now as a one-in-a-lifetime experienvce.

 

Please. Just tell me I'm a moron, that this will fcvk me up if I keep going the rate I am. Cause it really doesn't seem like it, and that scares me.

 

Does your new job drug test? Are you sure they don't test your hair?!?!?! If so, you're SCREWED unless you shave your head bald.

 

Stop this, and stop this NOW. You WILL **** up your life if you continue down this path, Spook. You will. You think that spiral of depression you were dealing with last week was bad? Continue doing coke and that experience will look like a cake walk.

 

God, I wish I could capture you and lock you in my closet and take care of you...

[spookie]

What else do they have to do in prison? Most men get out from behind bars much wiser and more educated than when they went in.

 

You have a point.

 

You realize you don't need coke to make that sort of connection with others, right?

 

With people like the ones I work with, I DO need coke. They wouldn't have trusted me unless we were keeping each other's secrets.

 

Does your new job drug test? Are you sure they don't test your hair?!?!?! If so, you're SCREWED unless you shave your head bald.

 

It DOES require a drug test, which I am taking sometime in early April.

 

I'm not sure if it's a urine or hair test. As long as it's urine, I should be fine, coke only take a couple of days to leave your system and I've made sure not to smoke pot for a while. If it's a hair test I'm totally fcvked.

 

Stop this, and stop this NOW. You WILL **** up your life if you continue down this path, Spook. You will. You think that spiral of depression you were dealing with last week was bad? Continue doing coke and that experience will look like a cake walk.

 

God, I wish I could capture you and lock you in my closet and take care of you...

 

Thanks, I really needed to hear that.

 

I stayed off work today. It's Easter and the clientele where I work is like 85% Hispanic and Catholic so I wouldn't have made any money anyway. I still had a little coke left, which I did first in the morning off my laptop in the living room, much to the horror of my roommate, who walked in; but now, many hours later, I'm completely sober and it feels alright.

 

I need to stay clean for my drug test in a couple of weeks. I'm going to print pictures of Chicago and stick them in various places in my room, my car, and my locker at the strip club to make sure I don't fcvk it up. I have the worst judgment when I drink.

[Trimmer]

You realize you don't need coke to make that sort of connection with others, right?

 

With people like the ones I work with, I DO need coke. They wouldn't have trusted me unless we were keeping each other's secrets.

Then the corollary is not "I must be with these people, so I must do coke." The conclusion is "If I want to survive and thrive in my life, I must make connections with other people, where coke is not a necessary part of the dynamic."

 

Stop and Thrive. Or continue and spiral down.

 

Do you realize that you've lost nearly 20% of your lifelong body weight? One fifth?

 

Listen to yourself:

...this will fcvk me up if I keep going the rate I am.

 

And pay attention to this voice:

...and that scares me.

It's telling you something.

[spookie]

Then the corollary is not "I must be with these people, so I must do coke." The conclusion is "If I want to survive and thrive in my life, I must make connections with other people, where coke is not a necessary part of the dynamic."

 

Stop and Thrive. Or continue and spiral down.

 

Thanks. You're right. I need to stop, I won't be able to move past all this s!ht if I end up acquiring a heavy addiction.

 

Do you realize that you've lost nearly 20% of your lifelong body weight? One fifth?

 

I didn't lose all that weight in one month, or with the coke. It was somewhat gradual (I don't really weigh myself, but last time I was 135 was probably October) and a large part of the weight loss was probably due to being more physical. In the last month I have lost probably 10 pounds or so, though.

 

You know what's funny? I've never been fat, but since I've lost all the weight, people have been telling me I look fantastic, should model, etc. and asking me what I do to stay so thin. I always want to laugh: it's not hard if you sleep only occasionally, never eat, and go on coke binges on a regular basis, on top of dancing for 8 hour stretches several times a week at work.

 

Yah. I'm going to quit. I can't wait till my drug test is over with so I can go back to being a full-time pothead.

Edited March 24, 2008 by spookie

[blind_otter]

It always starts off like that. Fun times, free coke. People seem cool when you hang out with them for days on end, but the funny thing is - if you aren't on coke, no one makes any ****ing sense. After a while they start asking you to chip in, whatever you have. A few bucks. Eventually you want to have your own so you don't have to ask anyone for it. Or wait around for them to give it to you. Then it's over a year later and all this random, ****ed up **** happens to you constantly and your brain chemicals are all over the place.

 

I didn't respond to your other thread about being suicidally depressed. The reason was pretty obvious to me. You have an alcohol problem, with an occassional coke binge on the side. I've known plenty of alcoholics who weren't cokeheads, but they did coke anyway because it was there and their judgement was all ****ed up.

 

Believe me, I didn't start out being a cokehead. It happened gradually, over a period of about 6 months or so. I even quit, more than once, with no problem. Then, over time, it got worse. I started to feel like **** and the dealer started cutting my coke more and more. Then it was just ugly. But it never STARTS out ugly. It always ends up that way, though.

[underpants]

Spook,

 

You really should take some of the been there done that advice to serious heart.

 

You are flirting with disaster. Stop.

 

In real life I would be seriously distancing myself from you. Over time you will only have dysfunctional addicted friends because other healthier influences will just plain be put off by you. You may have already sabatoged some relationships? It is a trap that you are setting by your own choices. People will give up on you.

 

You don't need to drink and do drugs to achieve anything or be liked. That is ridiculous and the only people that may feel that way are themselves spiraling into a bad place.

 

...and for a little advice. Don't hang out with a drug dealer on probation that is fresh out and dealing/using. That is just plain stupid. He is being watched as are you and his other 'friends/connections'.

 

Gosh, just go get 2 less taboo jobs and straightened yourself out, please. Be too busy to drift into bad choices. If alcohol is a trigger then don't pull it.

 

You are the only one that can save you from yourself. I urge you to do so.

[spookie]

It always starts off like that. Fun times, free coke. People seem cool when you hang out with them for days on end, but the funny thing is - if you aren't on coke, no one makes any ****ing sense. After a while they start asking you to chip in, whatever you have. A few bucks. Eventually you want to have your own so you don't have to ask anyone for it. Or wait around for them to give it to you. Then it's over a year later and all this random, ****ed up **** happens to you constantly and your brain chemicals are all over the place.

 

I didn't respond to your other thread about being suicidally depressed. The reason was pretty obvious to me. You have an alcohol problem, with an occassional coke binge on the side. I've known plenty of alcoholics who weren't cokeheads, but they did coke anyway because it was there and their judgement was all ****ed up.

 

Believe me, I didn't start out being a cokehead. It happened gradually, over a period of about 6 months or so. I even quit, more than once, with no problem. Then, over time, it got worse. I started to feel like **** and the dealer started cutting my coke more and more. Then it was just ugly. But it never STARTS out ugly. It always ends up that way, though.

 

I was hoping you'd respond.

 

The scary thing is, everything you said in the first paragraph is exactly how it's going. Being asked to chip in... check. Wanting a little to take home... check. (I haven't bought any yet but only because the security guy/ ex-con coke dealer is always giving me little baggies at work for free... I do realize it's in his benefit to get me addicted, that he's not just being nice). The random ****ed up ****... it hasn't started happening yet but listening to my friends' stories I can kinda see what you might be talking about. Beth, for example is a year younger than me but has already been in prison twice for assault, had a heart attack, and nearly killed herself one time cause she was so ****ed up she didn't realize she was slitting her wrists in the bathroom.

 

Yah. I don't want to be a cokehead. Seriously guys... I am going to stop right now.

 

Re: the alcohol, you may very well be right that I have a drinking problem, but the ironic thing is, if it weren't for the situations I'm constantly in I woiudn't drink at ALL. I don't really enjoy it... pot has always been my drug of choice.

 

But, unfortunately, I NEED to be on something for my job, and with this drug test that's been looming over my head for almost 4 months, I couldn't smoke. Plus, all my "positive influence" friends are heavy drinkers, and social activities always involve large consumption of alochol.

 

I have two months left at this job. A couple more weeks until my drug test (which I am PRAYING is not a hair test) and I'll stop drinking.

 

I think I'll be ok.

Edited March 24, 2008 by spookie

[JamesM]

Beth, for example is a year younger than me but has already been in prison twice for assault, had a heart attack, and nearly killed herself one time cause she was so ****ed up she didn't realize she was slitting her wrists in the bathroom.

 

This is possibly you in a few months.

 

Yah. I don't want to be a cokehead. Seriously guys... I am going to stop right now.

 

 

And this admission/resolution may be your last chance to prevent a slide downhill to the future you are trying to prevent. Many have said what you are saying, but never really acted upon the words.

 

How can you prevent this from happening?

 

One, NEVER hang out with those people again.

 

Two, NEVER accept free cocaine.

 

Three, begin to find a life and job that keeps you away from such people.

[spookie]

Ugh.

 

I had another disastrous night.

 

My friend Mike came over with 4 of his friends, who were annoying as s!ht. Listening to their pretentious rants about starvation and artistry in my living room, I got completely plastered in an attempt to drown out their voices.

 

If that were it, it would have been fine. But, I know I smoked pot at some point and called my ex, leaving a very disturbing voicemail.

 

Remembering snatches of my behaivior yesterday, I am ashamed. I was a total emtional wreck, I tried to use everyone to bounce my story ideas off (which freaked everyone out) and I spent the majority of the time crying, sometimes in my bedroom, sometimes right there in the living room, amongst all those strangers.

 

Of course today I hate myself, most of all for smoking weed (and possibly sabotaging my job).

 

I really need some help with how to be healthy. Why do I hate myself so much that I would screw up the only good thing that has happened to me in 2 years?

[blind_otter]

Something must have happened to you. Someone you cared about or trusted must have hurt you in a deep way, that made you feel how they treated you was a true reflection of who you are. This would not have been recent. It had to have been part of your long ago past, when you were formulating a basic self-concept that integrated this self-loathing.

 

The only thing I can do, spookie, is speak from my personal experience. And it was very difficult - IS very difficult - for me to break down the fundamental aspects of my self-concept and rebuild who I am in a healthier way. I can't lie and say "all you have to do is A, B, and C and you will feel great!"

 

Sometimes I think that those of us who abuse substances to numb ourselves do so because we feel things very keenly - moreso than those who do not resort to drugs and alcohol to distance themselves from their emotions or give them artificial experiences. I noticed this in my AA meetings on several occassions - when I sat and listened to the stories, I was struck by how deeply each addict experienced their reality. How much they seemed to feel, and how intensely.

 

I wish I had a better, clearer answer for you. Maybe someone else will.

[Kamille]

Ugh.

 

I had another disastrous night.

 

My friend Mike came over with 4 of his friends, who were annoying as s!ht. Listening to their pretentious rants about starvation and artistry in my living room, I got completely plastered in an attempt to drown out their voices.

 

If that were it, it would have been fine. But, I know I smoked pot at some point and called my ex, leaving a very disturbing voicemail.

 

Remembering snatches of my behaivior yesterday, I am ashamed. I was a total emtional wreck, I tried to use everyone to bounce my story ideas off (which freaked everyone out) and I spent the majority of the time crying, sometimes in my bedroom, sometimes right there in the living room, amongst all those strangers.

 

Of course today I hate myself, most of all for smoking weed (and possibly sabotaging my job).

 

I really need some help with how to be healthy. Why do I hate myself so much that I would screw up the only good thing that has happened to me in 2 years?

 

((Spookie))

 

I really don't know what to say. Just ((spookie)). Please take care of yourself.

 

I think I was at that fork in the road in my last year of college. All my friends were turning to drugs (E and coke) and alcohol. I was too broke and too nerd to partake (yes I'm a hippie sheltered white girl). I got a scholarship to go study in Europe. Left all the friends behind. Some of them I never see anymore. Some of them I see and they're all shaky, like they survived some kind of disaster. Some of them are still close friends who pulled through nearly unscathed.

 

Any way you could look into travelling? do internships with NGOs in foreign countries? It changed my life for the better, and made me realize how strong I was (and how little I needed drugs to feel like my life was worth living).

[spookie]

Something must have happened to you. Someone you cared about or trusted must have hurt you in a deep way, that made you feel how they treated you was a true reflection of who you are. This would not have been recent. It had to have been part of your long ago past, when you were formulating a basic self-concept that integrated this self-loathing.

 

The turning point seemed to be all the drama that happened with my ex, the abortion etc. but that wasn't too long ago. I don't know if my self-concept was complete by then. It definitely affected me profoundly.

 

Sometimes I think that those of us who abuse substances to numb ourselves do so because we feel things very keenly - moreso than those who do not resort to drugs and alcohol to distance themselves from their emotions or give them artificial experiences. I noticed this in my AA meetings on several occassions - when I sat and listened to the stories, I was struck by how deeply each addict experienced their reality. How much they seemed to feel, and how intensely.

 

That's interesting. I've always felt like I experienced life from a very emotional perspective, more so than other people. Maybe that does come into play when I abuse substances to numb the pain.

 

*Sigh*. I want to get healthy. I've been so abusive to my body and my future in the past couple of years that I really wonder how I would feel if I lived like a normal person. I am constantly making commitments to live healthier, especially after my little binges, when I'm feeling foolish, and it seems so EASY then to really believe that I can facilitate change within my life just by refraining from certain self-destructive patterns, but it's like, nearly every week, I end up going off the deep end, spiraling out of control, and then nothing matters, and I abuse myself hardcore, whether by drinking way past the point a normal person would, or doing drugs, or whatever.

[spookie]

((Spookie))

 

I really don't know what to say. Just ((spookie)). Please take care of yourself.

 

I think I was at that fork in the road in my last year of college. All my friends were turning to drugs (E and coke) and alcohol. I was too broke and too nerd to partake (yes I'm a hippie sheltered white girl). I got a scholarship to go study in Europe. Left all the friends behind. Some of them I never see anymore. Some of them I see and they're all shaky, like they survived some kind of disaster. Some of them are still close friends who pulled through nearly unscathed.

 

Any way you could look into travelling? do internships with NGOs in foreign countries? It changed my life for the better, and made me realize how strong I was (and how little I needed drugs to feel like my life was worth living).

 

Thanks Kamille.

 

You're probably right that I need to get out of here. I should have done it sooner, and my reason for staying is completely ludicrous: I fear if I leave, I will lose my memories of the ex. My precious memories, which are all I have left, will be rewritten, the minute I allow a different place to change me. Honestly, that's the reason I'm still here. I could have left here ages ago.

 

Hopefully my job will work out, though, and I'll move to Chicago in June to start being a part of the "real" world. That will be a healthy change for me, I know.

 

If it doesn't work out I might look into working for an NGO. A lot of my friends are doing that and I'm kind of jealous, it sounds like it woudl be an amazing experience.

[Ssheena]

Ok.

 

a) "Just tell me I'm a moron, that this will fcvk me up if I keep going the rate I am."

You are being a f* moron. Grow up, it's time.

 

b) there is a very important lesson to learn. No one gives a f*. No one cares about you but you. If it comes down to it, I'm going to save my azz before I save your's. If there is no food in the lifeboat, whatever, ultimately you have to take care of yourself.

Survival of the fittest.

 

My friend's husband told me he had to learn the above lesson in military boarding school and it's what he has learned in life.

 

If you don't like your behavior - stop it. If you need to go see a counselor because you are depressed - do it. If you need a life coach - get one.

 

Every week on here it's the same ol stuff. Aren't you ever going to do anything to change it?

 

You are sinking, when are you going to learn to swim?

 

The only thing you can control is yourself and believe me, you need to get control of yourself and your behavior.

[Ariadne]

Hey spookie,

 

At 5'8" and 110 you already must look like a crack head. And also, when you are high, or dancing when you are high, it shows. High as a kite, etc.

 

What a pest that drug test with the pot. That's the main problem I think. But I figured you were going to have to deal with drugs in that job.

 

If you want to be successful and make money you are going to have to have some personality. Have a drink before you go dancing if you need the push, but be in control, otherwise you are just going to lose all your money.

 

People there are trying to get you hooked like they do with the prostitutes. That security guy probably works for the club.

 

Oh, and I doubt they are going to do a hair test. Nobody does that.

 

Ah, and if you fail that test (which I doubt) maybe is a good thing. I mean, who wants to go to Chicago? That's just being desperate for a job. You can get a job where you are at without having to move across the country after you graduate.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Ugh.

 

I had another disastrous night.

 

My friend Mike came over with 4 of his friends, who were annoying as s!ht. Listening to their pretentious rants about starvation and artistry in my living room, I got completely plastered in an attempt to drown out their voices.

 

If that were it, it would have been fine. But, I know I smoked pot at some point and called my ex, leaving a very disturbing voicemail.

 

Remembering snatches of my behaivior yesterday, I am ashamed. I was a total emtional wreck, I tried to use everyone to bounce my story ideas off (which freaked everyone out) and I spent the majority of the time crying, sometimes in my bedroom, sometimes right there in the living room, amongst all those strangers.

 

Of course today I hate myself, most of all for smoking weed (and possibly sabotaging my job).

 

I really need some help with how to be healthy. Why do I hate myself so much that I would screw up the only good thing that has happened to me in 2 years?

You need to forget about jobs/ex's/men in genral/friends and dancing and check yourself into a inpatient rehab for as long as you can!

[Ariadne]

I had another disastrous night... I was a total emtional wreck, I tried to use everyone to bounce my story ideas off (which freaked everyone out) and I spent the majority of the time crying, sometimes in my bedroom, sometimes right there in the living room, amongst all those strangers.

 

Argh, you are losing it.

 

The good thing is that it's pretty soon in the game so you are not totally gone.

 

Just have some personality spookie.

 

Don't be like a wilted butterfly or something. You are too cool.

 

Maybe you are feeling the pressure to move to that place.

[Ariadne]

Ok spookie,

 

I was doing the dishes and thinking about you.

 

Here's the deal.

 

Just get some Coronas (or Miller light or something), some pot, and a pizza and enjoy without feeling guilty for the Chicago crap.

 

I think you are just feeling too guilty about it.

 

You are not going to kill yourself for that job. And it seems like you just can't deal with the pressures and need an escape.

 

Do what you like (pot, beer), enjoy, and if you get too fat then do some coke to get back in shape. That's all. Before you start losing your hair.

 

The same way that you got your actuarian job in the booms (Chicago) you are going to get another one there, close with the familiar surroundings. Chicago can be crap. And drive all across country with a car full of your stuff is just crap too.

 

So, let them beg or something. And get clean a week or two before going there and drink lots of water. Yeah, the hell with them.

[Nevermind]

Ariadne, sometimes I wonder if you're not really trying to make things worse.

 

Spookie, you said it yourself. You know what you have to do, cut the drogs, stay clear off the alcohol and survive the next 2 months. Start a new life. Get happy.

 

The only person who can really help you, are you yourself. You made it this far, you fought so hard to keep yourself going. Don't throw everything away.

 

Sending positive thoughts your way. You can do it!