Should I break NC?

[youngbuckkk]

I was thinking of breaking NC with a friendly "happy easter to you and your family" and maybe see where it goes from there.

 

The situation right now is we have been split for 2 months, NC for one and about 2 weeks ago she texted me twice with me ignoring both times. I've also found out she has been asking my friends about me. On AOL she has these away messages about love and such and on her myspace the mood was "in love". Origonally I figured it was another guy but I can tell from her comments to friends that she appears to be sad about losing me now, and the mood changed to "sad" in a couple days. Her song is also a sad love song about wanting someone back.

 

She gave me a couple of reasons for the dumping, because I don't work full time, because she's not sure she has time for a relationship now, and because she felt "she loved me like a brother, not a lover". But at the same time she was telling me she really hoped that this break would help us grow and get back together and be better then before.

 

So now I wonder, should I initiate contact with something friendly or should I just still let it sit unless she comes out and tells me flat out she misses me or wants to try to make us work again. The 2 times she contacted me all she said was Hi. So i'm really contemplating whether or not I should text her or just wait and move on if she doesn't try again.

 

Part of me feels she may really love me and want to try again, but at the same time I feel she may just be missing the companionship and is sad because she may now be thinking I am gone for good.

[bejshermanoaks]

Part of me feels she may really love me and want to try again, but at the same time I feel she may just be missing the companionship and is sad because she may now be thinking I am gone for good.

 

I thought the point of NC was to move on and heal and the dual purpose of if they miss you, they will contact you. Well, she did contact you, right? So, if you want her back, respond.

Id text her something that has a question in it, like "Happy Easter. What are you and the family doing today?"....make it a question, something that shows you want to engage. Get her talking, cause once she gets comfy she might say all the things you want to hear.

 

as for your quote above---maybe she simply misses you and distance made the heart grow fonder---thats what NC often does..

 

good luck

[LuCidiTy]

no. looking for any excuse to break nc is kinda weak, and it won't make you feel any better.

[sedona]

Hard one to answer, I think. How would you feel if you wrote her and she never answered or if the answer was noncommital in some way? Would you feel worse or could you handle it? And what does is your gut instinct telling you to do?

[bejshermanoaks]

Sedona--what youre saying makes sense to me and is a great answer.

However, at the end of the day, there is NOTHING wrong with communicating with the person you want to be with who is trying to communicate with you. She texted him twice and he didnt respond...she is trying to communicate--nothing wrong with breaking NC here if he wants to be with her...

[LuCidiTy]

hmmm...i see the points.

 

i also see the potential for a game of sorts being played out here. as i understand it, NC isn't really to see how much they "miss" you, not a ploy or a tactic.

 

it's to remove yourself from the situation for yourself, to give you the space and time to breathe without all the angst that comes with worrying about when the next time you're going to hear from them is going to be and how you're going to respond or not respond and when you should contact them or not. when it works and you've done your thinking and its served it's purpose, you no longer agonize about it like this. you know what to do.

 

but i guess there are as many individual variations to it as there are individuals.

[bejshermanoaks]

Lucidity--I hear ya.

Heres the thing---if you want someone back, and you reject their offers at contact, there might only be so many offers. Eventually they will feel rejected and become resentful cause they feel like they are trying and getting nothing back. So, I feel NC should be broken if your SO reaches out and wants to talk AND you want them back. All I know for sure is this, if he never reaches back out to his ex and he does want to be with her, thats a mistake.

 

Heres where NC is dangerous--imagine both parties going NC and being too stubborn to stop? So, you have two people who want to be together and they both go NC?How silly would that be? So, if two people want to be together and one is perpetuating contact, thats when its time to talk--if that isnt the time to talk, tell me when is?

Every "rule" has its flexibilities...

[traveller991]

I'm in the same boat today. wanting to text the ex bf with a happy easter, hope you and your boys are well, etc. even tho it's been two months since I heard from him. last thing he said to me was I'll call you tomorrow darling.

 

I am very stubborn and so is he and he was sick when he called me last so I keep wondering if he's pissed because he thinks I didn't care enough to see if he was ok or not. LD relationship by the way I am in Canada and he is in the DR although I am in the DR now in his town and haven't phoned him I've been here a week tomorrow.

 

what to do what to do. In your case, however, if she has texted with a hi and you never responded if I was her I would feel rejected and embarrased and would be thinking you were not interested and had moved on.

 

what do I know I'm so f'd these days!

[Ofleg7]

Lucidity--I hear ya.

Heres where NC is dangerous--imagine both parties going NC and being too stubborn to stop? So, you have two people who want to be together and they both go NC?How silly would that be? So, if two people want to be together and one is perpetuating contact, thats when its time to talk--if that isnt the time to talk, tell me when is?

Every "rule" has its flexibilities...

 

Funny situation. But more often than not there's like a mutual understanding about who should be the one reinitiating contact.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with texting her back if she text's you, just keep it short and friendly and don't ask any questions if you don't want to talk further. You dont have to ignore her

[sedona]

Lucidity--I hear ya.

Heres the thing---if you want someone back, and you reject their offers at contact, there might only be so many offers. Eventually they will feel rejected and become resentful cause they feel like they are trying and getting nothing back. So, I feel NC should be broken if your SO reaches out and wants to talk AND you want them back. All I know for sure is this, if he never reaches back out to his ex and he does want to be with her, thats a mistake.

 

Heres where NC is dangerous--imagine both parties going NC and being too stubborn to stop? So, you have two people who want to be together and they both go NC?How silly would that be? So, if two people want to be together and one is perpetuating contact, thats when its time to talk--if that isnt the time to talk, tell me when is?

Every "rule" has its flexibilities...

 

True. Although if it was just a "hi", then that wasn't really reaching out. But of course maybe it was a start, and it'll never come to anything the other person responds.

 

Funny situation. But more often than not there's like a mutual understanding about who should be the one reinitiating contact.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with texting her back if she text's you, just keep it short and friendly and don't ask any questions if you don't want to talk further. You dont have to ignore her

 

I think there's a mututal understanding if it's actually been said outloud and acknowledged. I can imagine situations where each person just thinks that it's obvious that it has to be the other one who reaches out first.

 

I think a short, friendly message wouldn't be wrong UNLESS he's going to feel absolutely devastated if there's no reply. Even then, it might be worthwhile -- sometimes you just have to do what you have to do!

[youngbuckkk]

Hey thanks for all the responses, sorry it took me so long to get back I was out with family. I didn't end up sending it. Still contemplating maybe sending something like "hope you and your fam had a nice easter".

 

I wouldn't be hurt if she didn't respond. The only thing is I don't wanna send her mixed signals that maybe I want to be friends when really I don't. Part of me wants to try to make things work again and I don't know how to contact her in a friendly means and then say I want to either try it again or go back to NC. It's weird I know.

 

The NC did help me alot, as I feel I don't need her to make me happy like it was right after the break. If we got back and things didn't work out I also think I would be able to handel it alot better now after having gone through it.

[youngbuckkk]

Screw it I just sent it. If she doesn't respond it's no biggie, I was just being nice, if she does maybe we end up talking.

[youngbuckkk]

Well just got a quick response, "Happy easter to you too! And wish ur family the best 4 me =)" So i just wrote back "thanks, i will". Not gettin my hopes up at all, just feel better that at least she knos that I don't hate her or anything.

[bejshermanoaks]

if you want to get a conversation going..send a question...trust me. OR just call her...do not wait for her to take lead..someone has to take the position of agressor and you had taken two weeks to respond...

[youngbuckkk]

if you want to get a conversation going..send a question...trust me. OR just call her...do not wait for her to take lead..someone has to take the position of agressor and you had taken two weeks to respond...

 

 

After the thanks she didn't respond and that was like 20 min ago. I really don't know where to go from there right now. I got kinda mixed singals you know, like a month ago she was unsure if she still loved me then all of a sudden when she realizes i'm moving on she contacts and starts putting up all the sad crap and then I think she wants me back. I mean if she was that broken I think she could have reached out with more then a Hi.

 

I feel like if I go back now and try to initate it she may feel she has me on a leash and can string me along or somthing. I feel like i've gotten so much stronger from NC and making myself know I don't need her and I read the stories about how people go back and then get crushed again and I am a bit hesitant.

 

I'm thinking about it. Nothing to lose really.

[LuCidiTy]

Lucidity--I hear ya.

Heres the thing---if you want someone back, and you reject their offers at contact, there might only be so many offers. Eventually they will feel rejected and become resentful cause they feel like they are trying and getting nothing back. So, I feel NC should be broken if your SO reaches out and wants to talk AND you want them back. All I know for sure is this, if he never reaches back out to his ex and he does want to be with her, thats a mistake.

 

Heres where NC is dangerous--imagine both parties going NC and being too stubborn to stop? So, you have two people who want to be together and they both go NC?How silly would that be? So, if two people want to be together and one is perpetuating contact, thats when its time to talk--if that isnt the time to talk, tell me when is?

Every "rule" has its flexibilities...

 

yep. so true.

[youngbuckkk]

Well I ended up texting if she wanted to talk and she called right away but I don't know what to make of the call. We chatted and caught up a bit since it's been a month since speaking. She was with a couple of her friends so didn't really get into anything about us just what was new in life and stuff so I won't put much into it. She told me she was happy and everything so I don't really know what she wants and I felt it was not the time to really get into that. She said she was happily surprised I got in touch because she figured I didn't wanna speak to her and when the convo ended she said she would speak to me soon. I still feel the same, no getting the hopes up, because she really didn't make it known what she wants.

[atc2410]

Do not chase anything or bring up the past relationship. Keep it positive and remain scarce. Chances are she really is happy with things and is further comforted to have you to in the picture liking her and not holding any bitterness. That is the extent of your relationship with her at the moment. Do not read too much into it or dwell on what she wants for now. Don't initiate contact again. She'll probably be in touch again soon.

[bejshermanoaks]

No--shes into you--she texted back right away and called right away--this is a no brainer man. I dont see the debate in your head...just ask the hundreds of posters what theyd give to have their SO text back right away and call right away when contacted...how much clearer do you want her to make it? Shes not gonna call up and say "I was an idiot"...pride wont allow that in most folks. She didnt make it known what she wants, but neither did you--but she did make it clear that she wants contact with you. so Im gonna say it again, be the man here and call her and make plans; unfortunately it is our role as men to usually be the one to ask them out. This is an easy one compared to the many posts on here...good luck man--you are making this one harder than you need to.

Oh, and congrats, cause I think you can have this girl back if handled properly...the worst thing you can do here is NOT communicate with her...shes only mirrorinf you here with her aloofness--share your feelings and she'll share hers..

 

god luck

[youngbuckkk]

Do not chase anything or bring up the past relationship. Keep it positive and remain scarce. Chances are she really is happy with things and is further comforted to have you to in the picture liking her and not holding any bitterness. That is the extent of your relationship with her at the moment. Do not read too much into it or dwell on what she wants for now. Don't initiate contact again. She'll probably be in touch again soon.

 

 

Yea that sounds like good advice. I will not contact again and let her make the move. I don't think I have much bitterness and I feel like I have already let go for the most part because I don't feel the least bit sad about the convo. I put it out there but I know I can't just jump back in and be needy dependent guy again, because that was one of the main reasons I believe she left me. So I at least feel better that I opened the doors to it. Now I will just try to dissapear and let her wonder about me and show her that she is no longer my world like she once was.

[youngbuckkk]

No--shes into you--she texted back right away and called right away--this is a no brainer man. I dont see the debate in your head...just ask the hundreds of posters what theyd give to have their SO text back right away and call right away when contacted...how much clearer do you want her to make it? Shes not gonna call up and say "I was an idiot"...pride wont allow that in most folks. She didnt make it known what she wants, but neither did you--but she did make it clear that she wants contact with you. so Im gonna say it again, be the man here and call her and make plans; unfortunately it is our role as men to usually be the one to ask them out. This is an easy one compared to the many posts on here...good luck man--you are making this one harder than you need to.

Oh, and congrats, cause I think you can have this girl back if handled properly...the worst thing you can do here is NOT communicate with her...shes only mirrorinf you here with her aloofness--share your feelings and she'll share hers..

 

god luck

 

It's not that simple man. She told me that she was asking about me because she wanted to see how I was doing. When we broke up she told me she loved me like a brother not as a lover so I really don't know whether she wants me around because i'm a nice guy and wants to bang other guys or she actually wants me back.

 

Another big thing is when we broke up part of it was because she said she had no time for a relationship and now she's actually joining a sorority, so I don't know if she is even considering a relationship again. She brought up the sorority in the convo, and told me about how much fun she was having latley, going out with her friends and going to parties and such. I'm still not sure if she wants me for a friend or something more.

[bejshermanoaks]

I understand what you are saying. Im gonna tell you this, this relationship will not move forward if you wait for her to do it..I hear what you are saying, but she is reaching out to you in the way that she is going to..youve already proved shes not your world and all that..Id ask her out OR call her and straight up ask her what she wants from you. Im telling you this, nothing will progress if you are waiting for her to do it---shes gonna do what most women are gonna do, exactly what shes doing, which is reach out and wait for the man to ask her out and make the first move. Its almost like youre starting over and youre courting her again pre-relationship...good luck though. Sounds clearly like she missed yu and wants you back..

[atc2410]

It's not that simple man. She told me that she was asking about me because she wanted to see how I was doing. When we broke up she told me she loved me like a brother not as a lover so I really don't know whether she wants me around because i'm a nice guy and wants to bang other guys or she actually wants me back.

 

Another big thing is when we broke up part of it was because she said she had no time for a relationship and now she's actually joining a sorority, so I don't know if she is even considering a relationship again. She brought up the sorority in the convo, and told me about how much fun she was having latley, going out with her friends and going to parties and such. I'm still not sure if she wants me for a friend or something more.

 

Yep. My situation is identical. Ex gf initiating contact after 3 month period of NC, genuinely curious about what I'm doing and obviously wanting to reestablish contact, texts back immediately, etc. However it's pretty clear to me she's happy doing what she's doing ie: being a free agent, living a young girl's life etc. I take what she told me during the breakup at face value and that's where it stands. We've been in light contact a few times now and she contacted me again yesterday to see how my long weekend was going. It had been a week since she contacted me prior to that.

[bejshermanoaks]

hey atc--Ill tell you the same thing I told young buck--heres the drill--when people want nothing to do with you, they have nothing to do with you...of course they are gonna say they are happy..what are the gonna say "I f'd up. Im an idiot?" Never--that only happens in the movies--most of the time a reunion starts with a simple "how are you"? Thats the gateway to everything else...you have to engage if you want these women back--youll find out their motives once you start talking...

[youngbuckkk]

I understand what you are saying. Im gonna tell you this, this relationship will not move forward if you wait for her to do it..I hear what you are saying, but she is reaching out to you in the way that she is going to..youve already proved shes not your world and all that..Id ask her out OR call her and straight up ask her what she wants from you. Im telling you this, nothing will progress if you are waiting for her to do it---shes gonna do what most women are gonna do, exactly what shes doing, which is reach out and wait for the man to ask her out and make the first move. Its almost like youre starting over and youre courting her again pre-relationship...good luck though. Sounds clearly like she missed yu and wants you back..

 

 

I really don't know man. She was happy to hear from me but it was more of a friendly thing, and she never stated she missed me or anything. I was also surprised she called me right there instead of when she was alone.

 

I know she missed me, but I don't know if I wanna put myself out there like that again to be rejected. I don't wanna smother her, cuz that would just kill all chances and she would see me as that same guy again. It's really tough to read her. She seems happy with how everything has been going in her life, showed no signs of missing me as anything more then someone she cared about, not necessarilary someone she was in love with. I feel like if I really want to draw her back I need to show her that I have been moving on and talking to her is not going to just make me jump back to her. I also don't really know if she wants the committment right now, as I said with the sorority and other things going on she is pretty busy in life. I'm going to continue the moving on process and not expect anything, and if it's meant to be it will.

 

The thing that really sticks out to me as good in far of getting back together is her saying she will speak to me soon. I know we were very close and would talk everynight but I don't think she would wanna talk to me again soon if she thought of me only as a friend.

 

I'm happy that at least this will bring us together or end up in real closure. NC has made me strong enough to accept if she doesn't want to work things out I could go back into NC after dealing with the worst of it. Not in an angry sense either, but to simply forget her completely. NC has helped me realize that there are plenty of fish and that I deserve better then someone who wants to keep me as an option.