Should I break NC?

[youngbuckkk]

hey atc--Ill tell you the same thing I told young buck--heres the drill--when people want nothing to do with you, they have nothing to do with you...of course they are gonna say they are happy..what are the gonna say "I f'd up. Im an idiot?" Never--that only happens in the movies--most of the time a reunion starts with a simple "how are you"? Thats the gateway to everything else...you have to engage if you want these women back--youll find out their motives once you start talking...

 

I'm not denying she wants to speak to me and hear from me, i'm just unsure of what kind of relationship she wants with me. I get the friend feel the only thing that throws me off is all the crap on her myspace and away messages about love and missing someone. Very mixed signals.

[youngbuckkk]

Yep. My situation is identical. Ex gf initiating contact after 3 month period of NC, genuinely curious about what I'm doing and obviously wanting to reestablish contact, texts back immediately, etc. However it's pretty clear to me she's happy doing what she's doing ie: being a free agent, living a young girl's life etc. I take what she told me during the breakup at face value and that's where it stands. We've been in light contact a few times now and she contacted me again yesterday to see how my long weekend was going. It had been a week since she contacted me prior to that.

 

 

Just curious, what happened to cause the break up, and how do you feel now being in LC with her now?

[bejshermanoaks]

dude--look at her actions man--not her words or lack of them!!! Love is a behavior man--foucs on actions...she called, she texted, she posted stuff on myspace--you didnt say you missed her and you miss her---how is she any different than you??

 

You are scared of putting yourself out there, and I understand that man--I really, really do bro..

 

Figure out what you want--if you want her, call her and meet and talk..find out what she wants OR tell her what you want and be prepared for anything..but if you take the one foot in , one foot out approach nothing will happen...

 

I hope you dont feel Im being hard on you man..its so much easier to be on the outside than on the inside and what Im saying would be harder for me to do than say--but I still think its good advice...

 

I think you are insecure, nervous and being careful--and for good reason--but this isnt gonna work unless you come from a secure, confident place. No matter what happens, just communicate and be honest with her, with what you want...BUT, try to get her talking first if you dont want to..say, "whats up? How come Im hearing from you? Im glad I am, but Im surprised" get her talking and youll talk OR start talking and she will..

[Ariadne]

Yeah,

 

Just talk to her if you want to.

 

The only reason why you wouldn't is because you are being a chicken.

[atc2410]

Just curious, what happened to cause the break up, and how do you feel now being in LC with her now?

 

What caused the breakup was a combination of factors but ultimately it was about her being young and feeling a need to spread her wings. She had some single friends she was spending time with and she was attracted to their lifestyle and undoubtedly was urged to join them. She was also confused at being flattered by attention from an attractive boy. It all added up to her wanting to be a free agent. Our 2 year relationship to that point was very good. She was very loving and committed as was I. We never picked fights with each other. That said I can understand a 22 year old girl feeling pressure to sample life outside commited relationships before settling down. It hurt to do so but I understood. I'm a bit older than she is so was/am cursed with feeling devastated while at the same time having the experience to understand what she was feeling and doing. I certainly wasn't ready to settle down at 22.

 

Regarding our LC now I'm relieved we're on good terms. I initiated NC when it got too awkward and for a while there she thought I was angry when I wasn't. NC was about me accepting being her friend immediately post relationship as being too damaging to me and a subsequent need to put some distance between the past relationship and the present. I'm also treading carefully - keeping it positive and not rehashing the breakup, searching for hidden meanings, etc. I'm taking everything at face value. Finally I'm feeling more positive because on seeing her (she came to my house to pick something up a little while ago) I actually felt more detatched from her. I still care immensely and always will but when I saw her after not seeing her for three months everything just seemed more distant which is a very positive feeling. That's not to say I don't remember the great times we shared, what it's about is letting go of the pain of separation and not feeling emotionally compromised by it anymore.

[youngbuckkk]

I understand what you're saying bej, and don't worry i'm not taking it as you being hard on me. Women are just very confusing most of the time. Half the time what they say means another thing, so i'm still on the fence on this one.

 

Not only that, I feel like since she initiated the BU then she should also show she wants to try again in more ways then simply saying hi. I wanna try again with her, but I know that for both of us to be happy alot would have to change. I was too dependent and I felt she was unappriciative at times and I felt I was the only one showing affection most of the time in the latter stages of our relationship. Like she would hardly ever compliment my looks while I would always reassure her how beautiful she was even on her worst days. Another big issue for me was our sexlife. It was great for the first couple years but then it slowed, and it seemed like she was rarley interested near the end. She would never initate it, and would often be tired when I would make advances. I know you may think this sounds like another guy was around, but I know her and that was not the case. We spoke all the time and I know she is not the type of person to do that. I think maybe she just got so comphortable with me wanting her and knowing I would be around all the time that she felt she didn't need to make the efforts to please me because like I said, I would still be there.

 

Now you must be thinking why do I even want her back. Well I do remember the good times and they were great, and I feel like I know her better then anyone and its the same in her for me. And of course because she was always faithful to me. She also has a great personality and is very beautiful.

 

But back to the other stuff, I feel I can't be that same guy because things would probably end up back the way they were eventually. She needs to see that I am not going to put 100% into someone who is going to give me anything less. I do want her back, but only if things can change, if not then i'd rather move on.

[Ariadne]

I understand what you're saying bej, and don't worry i'm not taking it as you being hard on me. Women are just very confusing most of the time. Half the time what they say means another thing, so i'm still on the fence on this one.

 

Ok,

 

Nothing is confusing. She got a crush on some other dude and dumped you.

 

But still cares for you and misses you because you are a good guy etc.

 

Once the other guy doesn't give her the time of day and you are still around she might go back with you.

[bejshermanoaks]

Youngb--she cant see your a different guy unless you get back into the relationship. Dont put the cart before the horse...focus on one thing at a time brotha. The next step is just meeting and talking--dont get five steps ahead. Meet---talk---see where she is at and tell her where you are at..

text her "want to get together for some coffee ?" something like that man..if you want her--go after her, you are strong enough to handle whatever she says man--we all got your back dude.

BTW--women can drive ya nuts, I understand----believe me, I get it dude..lol

[youngbuckkk]

Youngb--she cant see your a different guy unless you get back into the relationship. Dont put the cart before the horse...focus on one thing at a time brotha. The next step is just meeting and talking--dont get five steps ahead. Meet---talk---see where she is at and tell her where you are at..

text her "want to get together for some coffee ?" something like that man..if you want her--go after her, you are strong enough to handle whatever she says man--we all got your back dude.

BTW--women can drive ya nuts, I understand----believe me, I get it dude..lol

 

 

She knows by me callin im interested. She can go from there. If not then i'm ok with moving on honestly. But she has to show she wants me back as well and that her feelings changed. She is the one who broke up with me remember.

 

ATC's situation sounds soo much like what this might be. She is 20, never really spent much time with all her friends who happen to be single, now goes out with them like everynight and seems to be this wild party girl I don't know. If she's happier like that I can respect it,just gonna move on. She needs to see for herself what she wants, and she needs to decide. If I pressure her with this and we do get back together she might have second thoughts or think "hey I can do this who wild girl thing and get him back anytime I want". Basically getting back has to be mutual, otherwise I don't think it would work again anyway. I took the step in making the last contact, now it's up to her if she's interested.

 

And Adriene she told me it wasn't about guys, but hey if I found out that is the case then it's not worth it for me. I'm not gonna be someone's second option, I don't need nor want that. Because if that is the case then it would only be a matter of time before this would happen again. I'd be much happier on my own meeting new women.

[sedona]

Bej, you are so optimistic. It's refreshing.

 

But I know that my guy would answer my texting and call me if I asked him something. On Thursday morning, I asked him if he wanted to do something with me that day, he called me right back, and we ended up spending the whole day together. But he was spending time with a friend, whereas I was spending time with my love.

 

Not the same thing. On Friday we ended things. I'm devastated and I imagine that he's fine.

 

So of course she could be calling because she's interested in more, but she could also be calling because she likes him -nothing more.

[youngbuckkk]

Bej, you are so optimistic. It's refreshing.

 

But I know that my guy would answer my texting and call me if I asked him something. On Thursday morning, I asked him if he wanted to do something with me that day, he called me right back, and we ended up spending the whole day together. But he was spending time with a friend, whereas I was spending time with my love.

 

Not the same thing. On Friday we ended things. I'm devastated and I imagine that he's fine.

 

So of course she could be calling because she's interested in more, but she could also be calling because she likes him -nothing more.

 

 

Exactly! But I think I know what i'm going to do. I'm sure we will end up hanging out one way or another sometime soon, and when we do if she doesn't bring up anything about it i'll eventually get to the whole mixed signals and if she wanted to try again, because that was what I was looking for in contacting her. I told her I looked at her myspace and she told me she tries to look at mine, it's private though. So she already knows that I've seen those "signs" if that's what they are.

 

If she says she's not ready then I will politley tell her then it is best for me to go back to NC and simply move on completely. Not in a mean way or anything, just letting her know that's whats best for me.

[Ariadne]

And Adriene she told me it wasn't about guys, but hey if I found out that is the case then it's not worth it for me. I'm not gonna be someone's second option, I don't need nor want that. Because if that is the case then it would only be a matter of time before this would happen again. I'd be much happier on my own meeting new women.

 

Ah,

 

I didn't realize that you had spoken to her already when I responded.

 

Anyway, good going.

 

And it sounds very typical like she has a crush on some other guy:

 

~ On AOL she has these away messages about love and such and on her myspace the mood was "in love".

 

~ she's not sure she has time for a relationship now, and because she felt "she loved me like a brother, not a lover".

 

-----

 

But chances are the other guy would not be interested if she gets a "crush". (Otherwise they'd be together).

 

Good luck, I'd say keep in touch and see what happens. She might need you.

[youngbuckkk]

Ah,

 

I didn't realize that you had spoken to her already when I responded.

 

Anyway, good going.

 

And it sounds very typical like she has a crush on some other guy:

 

~ On AOL she has these away messages about love and such and on her myspace the mood was "in love".

 

~ she's not sure she has time for a relationship now, and because she felt "she loved me like a brother, not a lover".

 

-----

 

But chances are the other guy would not be interested if she gets a "crush". (Otherwise they'd be together).

 

Good luck, I'd say keep in touch and see what happens. She might need you.

 

Like I said, I really doubt it's another guy, and if it were and she could move on so fast then she's not worth my time or emotions. Screw what she needs or wants, i'm only concerned with myself and my needs right now.

[sedona]

Exactly! But I think I know what i'm going to do. I'm sure we will end up hanging out one way or another sometime soon, and when we do if she doesn't bring up anything about it i'll eventually get to the whole mixed signals and if she wanted to try again, because that was what I was looking for in contacting her. I told her I looked at her myspace and she told me she tries to look at mine, it's private though. So she already knows that I've seen those "signs" if that's what they are.

 

If she says she's not ready then I will politley tell her then it is best for me to go back to NC and simply move on completely. Not in a mean way or anything, just letting her know that's whats best for me.

Sounds like a good plan

[Ariadne]

Like I said, I really doubt it's another guy, and if it were and she could move on so fast then she's not worth my time or emotions. Screw what she needs or wants, i'm only concerned with myself and my needs right now.

 

Well,

 

She is a young girl. You can't help crushes to happen.

 

At least she broke up with you and is not cheating or anything.

 

It happens...

[youngbuckkk]

Well,

 

She is a young girl. You can't help crushes to happen.

 

At least she broke up with you and is not cheating or anything.

 

It happens...

 

 

I know I can't control her having crushes, but if she's intersted in another guy then I can do whats best for myself, and that would be to completely let go.

[atc2410]

Another consideration youngbuckkk is you've been separated for 2 months. Now I know through recent personal experience that feels like an eternity under these circumstances but really if she left for reasons similar to my ex do you think 2 months is enough time for her to have resovled those feelings? There is no doubt she regards you highly. In my experience the biggest hurdle with relationships is not meeting someone youre both into although that is obviously massive. The biggest hurdle is timing.

 

My concern is that after only two months even if she does decide to give your relationship another go it won't be long and she'll be right back where she was just prior to your previous breakup. Given the reasons she left there needs to be a lot of water passed under that bridge before she's ready to settle down again and be comfortable commiting to it.

 

That said there's no right or wrong here. I think meeting her will tell you a lot. I remember how my ex looked at me when we were a couple. When I saw her recently I could tell she was comfortable outside our relationship for now. She registered the same with me. It made for a pressure free conversation between two people with great history, chemistry and a general caring for each other. I think you'll learn a great deal about how your ex feels right now as you look at each other.

[youngbuckkk]

I hear ya ATC, that's pretty much the way I feel about it now. The more I think about it the more i'm not even sure if I really want a relationship right now. I feel like I miss the companionship, the comfort of having someone there all the time and of course sex. But at the same time i'm only 21, and part of me feels like I really need to get out of that comfort zone and start taking risks and meeting new people for my own growth. So i'm not going to pursue her, prolly just stick with friendly LC and maybe further if she shows me that she wants more. I duno, I feel so much stronger from the NC, I feel like I may be abel to deal with seeing her and us both seeing other people. At the same time this is easy to write and I don't really know how I would feel if it happens.

[youngbuckkk]

UPDATE:

 

Once again i'm getting all the mixed signals, but at this point my emotions are in check so either way it goes I will not be let down. I ended up talking to her through IM and had a nice friendly chat, did bring up the relationship and why she left, I know bad move, but I really wanted to know. She said it was because we needed to grow up and I needed to learn to be independent from her. I told her that was why I ignored her and stuff and she said that it was good that i'm better about things and all.

 

Then I just came out and asked if she wanted to go for coffee sometime and she said we'll see. So I told her not the answer i'm looking for but it's all good. She said "I know but well see". Don't feel let down at all about the answer, just that I cracked so soon and asked. Now I feel like it's all back in her court once again. Whatever, i'm still going to continue talking to other women and continue the whole moving on deal.

[atc2410]

Your situation is different to mine in that mine doesn't have to play the "we both need to grow up card" as I'm am well and truly grown vs her. Other than that however it seems very similar. She wants to do things outside the relationship while keeping you in the picture. It's important from now you do not come across as available to her whenever she wants it. Remain scarce and do not push anything. It's only been two months so more time is needed before you will see whether she wants to retry the relationship or not.

 

As you say get on with your own life during this time. She will continue to stay in touch.

[youngbuckkk]

Your situation is different to mine in that mine doesn't have to play the "we both need to grow up card" as I'm am well and truly grown vs her. Other than that however it seems very similar. She wants to do things outside the relationship while keeping you in the picture. It's important from now you do not come across as available to her whenever she wants it. Remain scarce and do not push anything. It's only been two months so more time is needed before you will see whether she wants to retry the relationship or not.

 

As you say get on with your own life during this time. She will continue to stay in touch.

 

I do know she is sincere about the whole growing up thing on my part. I've only been working part time, do go to school full time, but I still really don't know what I wanna do for a career. She felt like I would just sit around and wait to be with her, which was true in some senses. That's why part of me is happy about the break. I think it was a good thing because i've shown myself that I can be happy even if shes not in my life, and that is a very liberating feeling from where I was two months ago.

 

But like I said i'm just gonna keep doing my thing and now i've shown her I have interests and she kinda played it hesitant, so it's up to her now. I don't understand why she wouldn't want to meet for coffee though. I'm thinking it's either she is worried she might feel something after seeing me for the first time in a while, she doesn't want to lead me on, or she is playing hard to get which wouldn't really make sense since she's the one who did the dumping. Or she could still be testing the waters and keeping me in reserves if she decides she wants me back in her life. Either way I guess i'm glad I at least put it out there and wasn't scared of the rejection.

[Ariadne]

I don't understand why she wouldn't want to meet for coffee though. I'm thinking it's either she is worried she might feel something after seeing me for the first time in a while, she doesn't want to lead me on, or she is playing hard to get...

 

She dumped you because she had other plans.

 

It seems like her plans didn't work out and she's hoping they will.

 

So she's having doubts whether to see you or not, since at least you are nice and caring and maybe not so bad after all.

 

But seeing you would mean to give up her other plans.

 

That would be my take.

[iwish]

But like I said i'm just gonna keep doing my thing and now i've shown her I have interests and she kinda played it hesitant, so it's up to her now. I don't understand why she wouldn't want to meet for coffee though. I'm thinking it's either she is worried she might feel something after seeing me for the first time in a while, she doesn't want to lead me on, or she is playing hard to get which wouldn't really make sense since she's the one who did the dumping. Or she could still be testing the waters and keeping me in reserves if she decides she wants me back in her life. Either way I guess i'm glad I at least put it out there and wasn't scared of the rejection.

 

Hey buck, you know my story and you know that i got that elusive meal this saturday.. I personally think that she will meet you for a coffee, just leave it a bit (2 weeks) and if she hasn't responded with a date, then if you still feel like seeing her, contact her again and try one last time... she will probably come round.. if she doesn't then forget it.. but i think she will..

[luvenoluveno]

Hi youngbuckkk,

 

that sounds like quite the daunting situation. But you can handle it!

 

Let me help you with some translations.

 

On AOL she has these away messages about love and such and on her myspace the mood was "in love". Origonally I figured it was another guy but I can tell from her comments to friends that she appears to be sad about losing me now, and the mood changed to "sad" in a couple days. Her song is also a sad love song about wanting someone back.

 

You're making a very common mistake when it comes to girls. You're assuming she's thinking about you. For all you know, she was in love with another guy and now is sad that this other guy dumped her. Nonetheless, a girl who lists her myspace moods as "in love" and "sad" with sad love songs playing on her little player strikes me as a juvenile drama queen.

 

She gave me a couple of reasons for the dumping, because I don't work full time, because she's not sure she has time for a relationship now, and because she felt "she loved me like a brother, not a lover". But at the same time she was telling me she really hoped that this break would help us grow and get back together and be better then before.

 

1. You don't work full time: this is a huge reason. Lack of money is unattractive, and she is not attracted to the fact that you do not hold a promising job.

 

2. She's not sure about a relationship: she forgot to say with you. Sure it's harsh, but its true.

 

3. She loves you like a brother....: this is the death knell for any future relationship with this girl. She equates you to a relative, which means she does not find you sexy. A relationship cannot exist without sex - otherwise, it's a friendship.

 

4. She hopes the break would help you grow and get you back together: she didn't really mean this. She was just softening the blow, like a good sister should.

 

So now I wonder, should I initiate contact with something friendly or should I just still let it sit unless she comes out and tells me flat out she misses me or wants to try to make us work again. The 2 times she contacted me all she said was Hi. So i'm really contemplating whether or not I should text her or just wait and move on if she doesn't try again.

 

I'd say completely cut-off all contact with her.

 

There are billions of women on Earth. I'd bet that at least one of them is better for you than her.

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo YoungBuckkk,

 

 

Although there are exceptions to every rule, you should not count on this woman coming back into your life after she has successfully "friendzoned" you.

 

My experience is that most women, unlike men, tend to put a man in a "category" after an undetermined amount of exposures to him. Usually, unless you can REALLY establish yourself in her mind as a sexually aware and comfortable MAN-----she will put you in the safe/nice guy/turnoff category.

 

Sorry. But it happens to all of us at some point. What you're dealing with here is NOT having enough worthy female options in your life other than your "pedestalized" view of her. Change this by re-doubling your efforts to go on the HUNT, soldier!

 

There is a saying by a particular guy I know that usually rings true. And it is:

"You only get ONE chance at ONE girl per LIFETIME."

 

And what he means by that is that you usually NEVER get a chance to make a first impression with most women. And to paraphrase what LuvenoLuveon stated:

 

That is why your time will almost ALWAYS be better spent bu pursuing interactions with other, FAR more interested women. Consider THIS case "closed", and go immediately load up your babe-hunting rifle and GET BACK OUT THERE, man!

 

March on.