Maybe one day..

[Ofleg7]

I'm sure my story is similar to many people's here. My ex and I were together for 6 months and it was really great. Towards the end things turned a little odd, I was quite moody and she seemed to upset me a few times. We never argued or fought we always talked calmly, I always say what's on my mind, even though sometimes I shouldn't. Basically she had been a little flirty with one of my friends at a bar, while i was there, and i didnt like it. I waited till we were back at hers before saying anything. I knew she doesnt mean anything by it, I just got a little jealous, we all do. Anyway she thought I didnt trust her. There was crying.. and we broke up. This was in December a few days before my birthday (it was my favourite present) so it's been over three months. It was hard on her as well as me, she was quite upset initially but now I she seems to be doing fine.

 

Since then we still remained pretty close. Texting, phoning and seeing each other a few times a week. I was always trying to get her back, not being hugely 'pushy' but still doing the things that I shouldn't be doing, like telling her how much she means to me, that i still love her and that things would be different. She can't say that she loves me though.. even though I know she does.. I said to her 'I know you love me too' and she nodded, all she does say is that she still cares for me. We've spent some really nice times together since we split up, I took her Ice skating last month and she made me dinner a few weeks ago. And on quite a few occasions when we've been watching films together or something, we end up kissing.

 

Up to the present.. I offered to cook her dinner last Sunday to pay her back for the dinner she made me, and she said she'd think about it and she kept saying that up until the actual day when she said that she had work to do and so couldnt. So I went to her place to see her and we talked, again, and she didnt seem interested. She turned her head if I tried to kiss her on the lips (which i know i shouldnt be doing anyway..) and she said she's happy as she is for now. She says maybe we'll get back together but not at the moment. She's been saying this for a while. I guess we've not had a great deal of time apart from each other since we broke up, so I decided to give her some space and we've been in NC for a week, but it's hard.. I'm just wanting her to txt me to say hi or something - I deleted her number, deleted her from my IM and removed her as a friend on facebook..she has to be the one initiating contact. We're at university together and the easter break starts next week and she's going travelling for a few weeks, so I figured that'll give her time to think about how she feels.

 

I know it's mostly irrational thoughts, but this girl is so special to me and I'm having a really hard time letting her go. I just think about her so much. . . a few people have said she's just "stringing me along" . . and I know I should be over it by now. Any comments would be happily received

[0hpenelope]

NC is never easy.

 

My ex was always the one who initiated contact. I remember at one point he said that he's always the one who has to initiate hang-outs, conversations, etc. I told him "Well, I don't think I have to meet you halfway on anything. You broke up with me, so you have a lot more work to pull in." A little heartless, I know, but he's the one who wants (wanted?) to stay friends, not me.

 

I don't want to be friends with him because I don't like him as just a friend, if you get my flow. I think being in any kind of relationship with my ex is detrimental to my moving forward, though I think about him all the time. I see that a lot of times, people take moving forward as finding someone new, but I don't work like that. There won't be anyone else for me for a long time if not for good, and it's my choice to close my heart to that; that's neither right or wrong. So... I work. I study. I do extracurriculars. The activities I've involved myself in have gotten to the point where thoughts of him are not as overpowering as they once were.

 

I've mostly abided by NC and the times I have allowed myself the weakness to speak to him, I was happy during our conversation, but when we're done talking, I just felt worse before I spoke to him. I don't like that feeling - I dislike it with a passion. Before I saw LS, I had this thought that NC would make the heart grow fonder and he will come back to me and that used to be my primary reason for wanting to stick with NC. My huge misconception. After reading from countless users' responses, NC isn't about us - it's about me. It's about me healing, re-zoning myself mentally and emotionally so I can get back on track to do the things I need to do.

 

Want to know what the weird thing is? I'm the one telling him that when I'm finally, finally able to completely let him go, to not let him be in my life anymore, to stop responding to him, he'll be fine. He didn't like it when I said that - and he's the one who broke it off!

 

It's up to you what you want to do. No one here can really tell you what to do no matter how much we bombard you with "NC!" or "If you feel like it's worth fighting for, do it!" But really, you should find your healthy place and only you can find that for yourself.

 

Peace to you.

[Ofleg7]

Thanks. I hope things go well for you in the near future. Ok so no contact isnt the amazing magical miracle that some people may think it is, but in my case I feel it's definetly needed, for a while anyway. I need to give her some space

 

She wants to be friends too, but I told her I'm not sure if I can do that, not until I really move on anyway, because I'll always be thinking of her as more than a friend. I haven't been with anyone else since we split up and I'm pretty sure she hasn't either. I have had offers from a few women of both casual sex and a relationship, but I turned them all down saying something along the lines of "I know the girl I want to be with". I don't regret turning the offers down either, even though my friends mostly all say I should've got in there.

 

I forgot to say also, in the beginning of January while we were in different parts of the country and ringing each other a lot. . during one phone call she 'took me back' and told me she lvoed me at the end of the call. Then a few days later when we were both back in the same town I went to see her, but . .stupidly I was a bit drunk. . and she said seeing me again and me being 'dopey' reminded her of how our relationship ended and she didnt want to get back together. Woo. When she says me being dopey she means like . . me being a bit quiet and saddish and putting my head on her shoulder and stuff. I realise I can't be doing that and can't show her how I feel.

 

I think what I'm going to do is just wait it out. Keep up the NC till after the easter break, I'm sure she would have contacted me by then. If she hasn't . . I might ring her and ask her out for a coffee or something so we can talk about our future. I don't know, I'll see how I feel at the time. I'm really wanting to text her now and say hi. . but I won't.

 

x

[0hpenelope]

Yes, NC's not even the magic pill. It's hard for those who do need to do that, though, and for the select few who can do LC or all out C with their exes while feeling all of this confusing muck that we feel, well... more power to them.

 

You know which users whose advice I found invaluable? Gunny376, vivrantflo, CaliGuy, LadyJane, and No Foolin. Their approach is totally no-nonsense and I'm sure there's users here who will disagree with one or any or all of these users' advice, but you know... to each his own. So check out their posts and see if they help out.

 

The thing is, though, I've seen LS users who come in here and ask for advice, but their heart + mind or either 1 of the 2... they're just not ready. The advice that these users + countless of other users' similar experiences and encouragement worked for me because I was ready to hear them all.

 

I feel increasing difference towards him day by day. I have my bad days and anyone in this board will attest to their own bad days. So just hang in there... Instead of contacting Lawrence (yeah, I'm saying his name he's no Voldemort anymore), I just go on LS and try to help out others when I can.

He's still in my head and my heart and yeah, ok... he'll be there until the end of my time, but I have a life to live. It's all on me and I've got to take care of myself. If this is how I know things are going well, then sh*t, I hope I keep going. It's nice to be free from the heartache and the over-analysis and the musings.

 

You'll get there! If you think NC's for you, then hang in there. You have a lot of work ahead of you and NC's worth all the rain because it will only do you a world of good. I hope other users will see your thread and share their own 2 cents, too.

 

Take care.

[Ofleg7]

Thanks for reading and replying Penelope, you are helping me

 

Well I spoke to her on IM on Monday... (I removed all the small talk)

 

ME: im still wanting for us to have another try when you're ready

HER: if you're ever ready

HER: k

ME: yesterday was the 23rd

ME: oh happy easter btw

ME: i didnt get any milkybar eggs. . hint hint

HER:

ME: I wish i could understand how your feelings for me have changed so much

HER: i wish i knew too

ME: our problems only seem to be when we drink together

ME: unless there were other issues?

HER: we dont exactly have issues

HER: just grown apart :S

ME: you have maybe

ME: i just dont get it. we were so happy together

ME: were we not?

HER: yeh we were

ME: i was really happy

ME: i couldnt ask for anything more in a girl

HER:

ME: every guy gets jealous, it's in our nature

ME: especially when his girlfriend is so beautiful

HER: shh

ME: you are

ME: we were so good together

ME: let's try again after easter

ME: if the spark's still gone for you, it's gone

ME: but give me the chance to bring it back

HER: im not sure whether it will change

ME: i think the reason it's gone is because everytime you see me recently i act 'dopey' as you call it

ME: and that's not attractive

HER: i thort wed sorted all of this

ME: had we?

HER: ud decided to lay off

ME: i did for a week

ME: and we have easter break coming up to give us time to ourselves

HER: im not sre that things will change tho

ME: what things?

ME: the way the relationship was heading?

HER: no just now

ME: ?

HER: i dont think things will change

ME: you keep saying that

HER: cus it wont

ME: it might

ME: our relationship wasnt special enough for you to want to try again?

HER: we tried again

ME: and it went ok, then we had another little slip

ME: i dont even think the bad things were all that bad

ME: it's just because there were a few close together

HER: i kno

HER: iv just goten on with things

ME: thats no reason why we cant go back again

ME: and work at it, if you think it's worth working at

ME: and i do

ME: nothing thats worth having comes easy

HER: yeh but atm i dont think so

ME: ok

ME: i'm still the guy you met at wiggold

HER: k

ME: one dark night around the campfire =)

HER: yeh that was then

ME: and now

HER: nows chhanged

ME: nothings changed

ME: i admired you the moment i first saw you

HER: ok

HER: but still, im not guna change my mind atm

ME: i realise this

ME: i just want to remind you that i care for you a lot

HER: yeh i wont ever forgot that

ME: if we get together again, there could be some rules - we dont get drunk together, we spend less time together, cuz maybe we spent too much together

ME: short short's have to be worn at all times

ME: etc

HER: if we get together

HER: and atm we wont

ME: thats ok

HER: sorry to b blunt

ME: its ok

ME: if thats how you really feel

HER: yeh

ME: do you love me?

ME: dont say you care for me

HER: i dont kno

ME: ok

ME: i'm off

ME: remember who i am, not who i was only some of the time

ME: xxx

 

So it appears that her feelings towards me have changed, but it still sounds like there might be something there in the future the way she keeps saying atm. Her response to the question "do you still love me?" sounds like she does but knows she shouldn't, or something along those lines. As the topic title says..maybe one day. Like I said we're going to be apart for about a month soon, so I'll do my best not to contact her in that time and then maybe after the easter holidays see if she wants to talk.

 

Well anyway, in a bid to help me move on I contacted those girls who were into me and made me offers to see if they're still interested. I've been texting one of them quite a lot the last few days, and I'm not really into her very much at all, but I've made it clear that I'm not looking for anything serious, not yet anyway, so that there's less chance that she'll get hurt by me. I told Lucy (my ex) that I'm going to start seeing other girls too, because I asked her to do the same (that is tell me if she meets someone new) - although I'm not sure if I should have done because she might think I'm doing it to make her jealous. Which isn't the case, I'm doing it to help me move on and try to fill the huge gap that's been left. I'm also going to devote some time to me and try and fill my day as best I can by doing all those things that I love that I stopped doing - keep going to the gym, playing more sports, writing, making music etc.

 

Any further comments or advice would be greatly appreciated - even though I know what I have to do from here really. xx

[Uchiha Sasuke]

Hey do me a favor. Stop pushing. I'll help you out by going over your conversation. I'll dissect it a bit, k?:

 

 

ME: im still wanting for us to have another try when you're ready Pushing to make someone feel something for you. What happens when you push a person? Yeees they go away from you!

HER: if you're ever ready

HER: k

ME: yesterday was the 23rd

ME: oh happy easter btw

ME: i didnt get any milkybar eggs. . hint hint

HER:

ME: I wish i could understand how your feelings for me have changed so much This does you no good. If she can't tell you how she's feeling. Go by her actions. She's not with you. That should tell you something.

HER: i wish i knew too She probably knows. You sure she isn't interested in another guy?

ME: our problems only seem to be when we drink together

ME: unless there were other issues?

HER: we dont exactly have issues

HER: just grown apart :S SHE grew apart. Not YOU. Maybe she's shifting part of that on you. You still feel the same way. She's completely wrong for saying this.

ME: you have maybe

ME: i just dont get it. we were so happy together Pleading your case to someone who doesn't care how you feel about the past relationship = bad.

ME: were we not?

HER: yeh we were

ME: i was really happy

ME: i couldnt ask for anything more in a girl Giving her an ego boost? Why? What good does it do you?

HER:

ME: every guy gets jealous, it's in our nature

ME: especially when his girlfriend is so beautiful Stop it.

HER: shh

ME: you are Seriously. Stop.

ME: we were so good together Maybe you think so. She doesn't.

ME: let's try again after easter What?? WHAT?! You say this as if feelings are as casual as business transactions!!

ME: if the spark's still gone for you, it's gone You know what turns a girl off most?

ME: but give me the chance to bring it back Desperation.

HER: im not sure whether it will change "I'm not changing my mind "

ME: i think the reason it's gone is because everytime you see me recently i act 'dopey' as you call it Don't kick yourself in front of her! Why would you place lower value on yourself?? There's nothing wrong with you! Stop dumping your insecurities on her!

ME: and that's not attractive You IMs aren't attractive either!!

HER: i thort wed sorted all of this "I thought I told you it was over?"

ME: had we?

HER: ud decided to lay off "I thought I was going to get space to breath!"

ME: i did for a week You act like that was enough time for HER. While you climb the walls in your room she's out having fun not even thinking about you. Time flies when she's having fun. You, however torture yourself. Not good.

ME: and we have easter break coming up to give us time to ourselves I want to see if it works out by forcing myself on you!

HER: im not sre that things will change tho "I don't want you to come and see me."

ME: what things?

ME: the way the relationship was heading?

HER: no just now

ME: ?

HER: i dont think things will change "I don't want to be with you."

ME: you keep saying that I want to believe whatever I want. I dont' believe in reality.

HER: cus it wont "It's over."

ME: it might Pigs can fly!

ME: our relationship wasnt special enough for you to want to try again?

HER: we tried again "NO, our relationship wasn't "special" enough for me to want to try again."

ME: and it went ok, then we had another little slip

ME: i dont even think the bad things were all that bad

ME: it's just because there were a few close together

HER: i kno

HER: iv just goten on with things "I got a guy I'm currently having sex with at the moment. I'm happy without you."

ME: thats no reason why we cant go back again Oh my god.

ME: and work at it, if you think it's worth working at

ME: and i do

ME: nothing thats worth having comes easy Which episode of "Friends" did you pull this sorry line from?

HER: yeh but atm i dont think so " At the moment meaning indefinitely. Don't you see I'm trying to let you down gently?"

ME: ok

ME: i'm still the guy you met at wiggold And try to make things work.

HER: k "God."

ME: one dark night around the campfire =)

HER: yeh that was then

ME: and now

HER: nows chhanged "Now's changed. My feelings have changed."

ME: nothings changed She states otherwise.

ME: i admired you the moment i first saw you Really? Who told you compliments would win her back? Who fed you this LIE?!

HER: ok

HER: but still, im not guna change my mind atm "Meaning if things don't work out with the new guy I might consider "US" again....Maybe. Don't bug me about it."

ME: i realise this

ME: i just want to remind you that i care for you a lot Please take me back?

HER: yeh i wont ever forgot that "I could care less."

ME: if we get together again, there could be some rules - we dont get drunk together, we spend less time together, cuz maybe we spent too much together Now you're on your knees compromising who you are as an individual?? NOOOOO!!!

ME: short short's have to be worn at all times O_O;;

ME: etc

HER: if we get together "Nope."

HER: and atm we wont "Never."

ME: thats ok

HER: sorry to b blunt "I didn't want to be, but you left me no choice. You're smothering me!"

ME: its ok

ME: if thats how you really feel

HER: yeh "Yes you're actually listening now!"

ME: do you love me? Wow.

ME: dont say you care for me

HER: i dont kno "NO. Don't get your hopes up."

ME: ok

ME: i'm off

ME: remember who i am, not who i was only some of the time PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!!

ME: xxx

Do you realized what you've done? Please. From an objective viewpoint take yourself out of your body. Forget who you are and the wake that your boat made in the water. Forget everything that you are and were.

 

 

Go blank.

 

Now take a look again at your IM conversation with her. Do you sound like a man? Do you sound like a confident guy? Do you sound like you can live without a person?

 

How do you sound? What do you think of the person who wrote that to her? Do you feel sorry for him or angry? Do you laugh at his foolishness?

 

 

What do you see?

Edited March 26, 2008 by Uchiha Sasuke

[Ofleg7]

Thanks, I'm not sure I should have been but I was laughing while reading your comments. She hasn't got another man in her life and she says it will be a while before there is. Even though you're exceptionally negative (in all your posts), you're also probably very true. Well anyway, as I said I'm going to let her be and try and get on with my life. Thanks

[Uchiha Sasuke]

Thanks, I'm not sure I should have been but I was laughing while reading your comments. She hasn't got another man in her life and she says it will be a while before there is. Even though you're exceptionally negative (in all your posts), you're also probably very true. Well anyway, as I said I'm going to let her be and try and get on with my life. Thanks

 

 

Negative! Well sir I am offended!!

 

 

lawlz j/k.

 

 

I have a very satirized tone when it comes to guys desperately trying to get back with someone who doesn't want them anymore. Believe me, I've been through hell and back.

 

The positives of moving on is that you can learn from your mistakes and try for someone who could be infinitely better for you than your ex. Taking a risk and bettering yourself while starting new relationships are much healthier than trying to rekindle an old worn out flame.

 

 

Why rummage through the garbage where you past trash was put when you can move on and drive to Sizzler for a fresh steak?

 

Focus on bettering YOURSELF.

 

I would cut contact completely with her, see if that doesn't mess up her pretty little ego. If you want to truly see how she feels. Let her call YOU. Let her tell you how SHE feels instead of you vomiting out everything on her. Stop catering to her.

 

Step back, cut contact and THEN see how much she needs you! If she doesn't need you, then what's the point in wasting your emotional energy?

 

Love yourself more than her! You deserve it!!

[Takn4Granted]

Dude, U.S. above is right (she saved me a lot of typing)!!! You sound like a wuss...and buddy, I don't mean to insult your character at all... us men do it all the time...we get comfortable and out comes all the mushy stuff too soon & in too large a quantity. And when things aren't right, we want to fix it...so we keep begging for answers to find out what's wrong/where we stand & it comes across as being desparate to the girls...I've been there, done that, got that broken heart. I believe there is till a chance for you, but you've got to "man-up" and give her a chance to come to you..."she can't walk to you if you're running at her". Just relax a bit and show her that you can be that confident/in-control-type of guy you were when you first met.

[Uchiha Sasuke]

I'm a Guy. -_-

 

 

Second, if she wants to come back, LET HER do all the work. Be in control.

[Quiksilver ca]

First, don't talk to your girl about such matters over IM.

 

Second, it did not go very well.

 

Third, glean whatever lessons you can from that experience.

 

Fourth, move on with what you have learned.

 

--

 

You sounded like you needed her. A strong woman wants a man who 'chose' her, not needed her. She wants to feel special, not leaned upon.

[BladeSteel]

a few people have said she's just "stringing me along" . . and I know I should be over it by now. Any comments would be happily received

 

Ofleg7, you posted in the second chance forum, perhaps your second chance is to take back you life!

 

Man up for f*cks sake! You should never beg a woman for anything. She's the one who should be lucky to be a part of YOUR life. Reread your IM convo again. Does she sound like she deserves your attention?

 

Life is short, when it comes to women like this, even shorter because you waste effort on a lost cause.

 

Focus your attention, your masculine energy, on the positive aspects of life...the people around you that deserve it.

[Ofleg7]

Word is life. Thanks for the pinch guys. The theme of the day is man up.

 

So one of these other girls that I've been thinking about seeing.. we've been texting each other quite a lot. I've told her that I don't want anything serious (mainly because I'm not that attracted to her) but she still keeps texting and ringing me like 100 times a day... and saying she's going to miss me when I go home for easter, when we haven't even been out on a date yet. Not cool. I think I'm going to stay away from that and just wait for the next bus

[Takn4Granted]

Dude,

Have you put 2 & 2 together yet...this new prospect is chasing you because you aren't chasing her! Don't you see it, you are chasing your ex and she is running away. But you're just hanging around taking it easy with this new girl and she is indirectly chasing you. This is going to sound wierd, but follow me on this: when you're at a park or whatever, don't you see squirrels chasing each other? What happens when the one doing the chasing stops? The other one starts chasing the original chaser!

 

Hey U.S. -- sorry stud, got confused with all the different folks on here

[Ofleg7]

Thanks for the comments. I understand what you're saying about the chasing, and it's relevant. But I think the situation with this other girl is totally different, I really have very little interest in her... although maybe it's not so different and that's how Lucy (the ex) feels about me right now. Anyway I replied to one of her texts reminding her that I'm not looking for anything serious and could she stop txting and ringing me so much. She hasn't txt me back since then so the message got through, but I was worried I might have upset her. I saw her at work yesterday and she seemed fine, so that's all cool.

 

ME: and we have easter break coming up to give us time to ourselves I want to see if it works out by forcing myself on you!

HER: im not sre that things will change tho "I don't want you to come and see me."

By the way, you interpreted what I was saying here totally wrong. I meant time by ourselves as in, apart, not together. We won't see each other for a month or so and I'll do my best not to get in touch with her for this period and see what happens after then. I'm finding it hard though, I still think about her all the time

[Ofleg7]

After a few days of NC, Lucy contacted me by IM, just a friendly chat to see how i am and what we've been up to, no relationship talk or anything. Then when she left she ended the conversation with xxx, but i wont read into that too much, she probably does it to everyone. She's not my IM contact list because i deleted her, but i am still on hers so she can see when I'm online and chat to me. Maybe i should have blocked and deleted her so she can't see me online. I have done that now though

 

Also, she asked me why I deleted her from my facebook and she's sent a request to add me as a friend again, which I haven't accepted and won't, not for a while anyway. When she asked me why I deleted her I told her that I had to because everytime I went on facebook I looked at her page.

 

So she's going travelling for a few weeks on Friday or Saturday so I'm sure I won't hear from her at all during that period, but I did cheekily ask her to bring me back something from China and she said she would if she "had room in her luggage", but she probably wont.

 

Anyway, when we're both back in the same place after the holidays do you think I should contact her and see if she want's to go for a drink so she can tell me all about her holiday, or should I let her be doing the contacting?

[0hpenelope]

Wow! An update!

 

Anyway, when we're both back in the same place after the holidays do you think I should contact her and see if she want's to go for a drink so she can tell me all about her holiday, or should I let her be doing the contacting?

 

You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're thinking of doing. It's more of the intention(s) that you have when you're doing things.

 

Kind of like how my intentions are my concern everytime I talk to Lawrence. And how my intentions make me feel whenever I see him.

 

Brother, if you're going to initiate contact, I guess what I'm trying to say is just set up boundaries for yourself? I miss Lawrence all the time; he's on my mind everyday, but these don't consume me anymore like they once did. I appreciate NC. I'm actually going to make a quick post on that "Post here instead of contacting your EX!" thread because I did end up talking to him briefly, but... I'm digressing. I'm sorry.

 

I hope you'll keep in mind long-term vs. short-term. If seeing her is something that will make you happy only for that brief interval in time and then when it ends, it will leave you empty because you wanted more - that short-term feeling - I don't think you should initiate contact. I hate that feeling of emptiness. You've been fine; you know this. Unless you are really over her and you can chalk up the giddy feeling of seeing her or those butterflies as just feelings, then you should keep going with no contact and moving along.

 

My friend and I actually ended up with the same counselor on the university wellness center. Our counselor told her: "Something didn't work that time you were together. If you and your ex-bf get back together - if you do - you've got to move on first and change."

 

Hopefully someone else will share their 2 cents here. Good luck with things, ok? It's good that you were able to have a conversation with Lucy, but at the same time it got you to think about doing other things to maintain contact with her, which isn't totally bad... but it's what you want and what you'll get out of it that merits thought and consideration.

[Ofleg7]

Of course I know what my intentions are, I am mad about this girl. If our saga is complete and I hope to hell that it isn't, I will never forget her. I know that I'm not ready to be friends with her yet and see her in a non romantic light, and truthfully I know that if I do see her again, then yes.. afterwards I will be left feeling worse than I did before. So maybe I should leave it in her hands, she knows how I still feel. I do love her to f*ck but I recognise that this period of NC is also doing me the world of good and I'm definetly on the road to a better place, even if it is a long haul.

 

She's going away today for 2 weeks doing the Trans-Siberian rail thing (Estonia, Russia, Mongolia, China), so there will be two weeks of nothing. I want so bad to say goodbye to her before she goes. I'm hopeful that she'll spend at least a bit of time whilst out there missing what we had and come back with a change of heart.

 

I might write something in the 'post here instead of contacting your ex' thread. Even though I don't have much that I want to say to her right now, maybe I'll just say goodbye and have a nice trip. I tried looking for a thread about your situation, but I see you haven't started any topics, so there isn't one?

 

Thanks again Pen. Do you have any comments about Lucy's responses in the chat I had with her the other week? xx

[beta]

know exactly how u feel

[0hpenelope]

...I tried looking for a thread about your situation, but I see you haven't started any topics, so there isn't one?

 

Thanks again Pen. Do you have any comments about Lucy's responses in the chat I had with her the other week? xx

 

No, I haven't started any threads about my situation. The thing is... from what I saw from other people's situations, there's so many things that correlate with theirs and mine and that the advice some users have given them... it's almost as if those users might as well have been responding to my thread. I've found Caliguy, vivrantflo, Gunny376, and No Foolin's stuff to be really helpful. But my situation comes up when I need to refer to it: we were best friends, best friend likes me more, we go for it, then he decides we're better as friends, I felt like he straight up shanked me, and now... I'm numb towards him now for the most part.

 

It's an ongoing struggle, of course. What aggravates me is that right when I'm already moving on, carrying myself well without wanting to talk to him and know what he's doing (because God knows and He does that the less I know about Lawrence's life, the better off I am), he gets in touch with me and asks for a favor.

 

I'd like to direct your interest to here. Karma was my super close friend this week, but now I'm realizing that it's led me to having to see Lawrence once a week. It's a classic textbook case... just absolutely classic! Somehow, those people that we're trying to get over "senses" our increasing distance and successful forced disinterest and they pull off stupid sh*t like getting in touch. I'm thinking "F@ck." I hope I've guarded my heart enough, in spite of that weak spot that I have.

 

There's nothing wrong with hope. Absolutely nothing. Without hope, this world will be a very miserable place. I like to think of it as the feeling of anticipating a day's worth of sun after a week's worth of rain. But there's a problem in that: we just take it for granted that the sun will come out after rain and the sun does. We expect the sun to come out. That's where the problem with hope lies, I think. Hope builds up expectations.

 

Purely my opinions, ok? You've put out everything there in the IM, brother, and the constant message from Lucy throughout the exchange was effectively an "I don't want to at the moment." There's nothing else that you could've said. I don't know her, but there's something about what she was saying that could go both ways: that she really means not right now and perhaps someday or she can't just be upfront with you and say "No. I'm sorry. To me, we're done." Perhaps Lucy's still confused about how she feels towards you and she hasn't gotten it sorted out, but what's certain is that Lucy's certain that she wants to be apart from you. Uchiha Sasuke had a good point in his response: Lucy wants to be apart, not you.

 

I'm putting out there what I'm doing with my ex: he initiates the contact. If he wants to talk, then he'll talk. When he has to go, fine, just go. I don't say bye, I'm done with saying goodbye, and I'm so flipping relieved that I'm at this stage with him now. I did what you did in the IM, but in reading a thread, a post from Caliguy reminded me that the more you throw yourself on someone, the more they will push away. I'm ashamed of groveling and I got over that phase. Never grovel! If something is true and unforgettable, then it only needs to be said once. When I pulled away... Lawrence came back, even though it's not in the way that I hoped he would.

 

When is she leaving? Will you be greeting her goodbye, then?

[Ofleg7]

Thanks again. She would be on her way to Estonia as I write this. I've been busy this evening so didn't say goodbye to her, I wouldn't have even if I wasn't.

 

I know i've said everything I have to say to her, I guess that's why I don't have much to say to her now. And if I did force something out aside from small talk it would only be something that I've said before. She has said on more than one occassion that she's confused about how she feels. All I can do is stand back and give her the space and time that I should have given her earlier. Before that IM conversation I thought I had learnt my lesson about pulling/pushing, I guess I was wrong. I have now though . . . . . hopefully. There will definetly be sunshine after the rain.. I just don't know what form it will take.

 

So if Lawrence called you now and said he wanted to try again.. you'd say . . . ?

 

xx

[NickP]

hey m8,

 

when i broke up w my ex, n i (thought) i wanted her back, i had a gd read thru this from start to finish http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/?highlight=winning+back (it is rlllllly lengthy!) which made me realise that chasing her was not,

1. the right thing to do if i wanted another chance with her and

2. the right thing to do for myself.

i'm not sure if you've seen this but have a read. some ppl agree with the "strategy" proposed there but some don't. personally, (and im sry 2 say this), i think ur ex has moved on and has left you behind. you shld start to pick up the pieces and when she gets back, don't contact her at all. if she wants another shot with u, she'll contact u. consider what you had with her the past and look to the future. look toward building something new with some1 who wants to share experiences with you and not some1 who's pushing u out of her life. if she contacts you, then go ahead and meet up with her (if u're prepapred to accept the possibility that she might say she still wants to be friends). [i'm sure you already know all of this.i juz hope to reinforce it.]

n its good ur NC's going well.

gd luk.all the best!

[NickP]

oh, and in that link i posted, i hope when u read it you'll realise that much of what US had said about ur IM convo was actually quite true (as negative as it may have been lol). there's some bits in that link bout how we try to get our ex-es back etcetc.

 

and i didn't believe it when that "link" said that your ex would realise what she's lost when she sees you strengthen and man up to the reality of it all and sometimes, when she sees that, she'll want you back. i thought that website was just trying to get people to try to move on by putting that in as an "incentive" lol. but it's true. when my ex saw me move on, she suddenly realised what she had lost. i dunno what it is that suddenly made her want to try again but it was too late for me.

 

anyways, again, good luk! all the best.

[0hpenelope]

Thanks again. She would be on her way to Estonia as I write this. I've been busy this evening so didn't say goodbye to her, I wouldn't have even if I wasn't.

 

I know i've said everything I have to say to her, I guess that's why I don't have much to say to her now. And if I did force something out aside from small talk it would only be something that I've said before. She has said on more than one occassion that she's confused about how she feels. All I can do is stand back and give her the space and time that I should have given her earlier. Before that IM conversation I thought I had learnt my lesson about pulling/pushing, I guess I was wrong. I have now though . . . . . hopefully. There will definetly be sunshine after the rain.. I just don't know what form it will take.

 

So if Lawrence called you now and said he wanted to try again.. you'd say . . . ?

 

xx

 

I'd say "You're really f#cked up. Stop playing games and get in touch with your other friends." I won't believe him.

 

My entire goal for myself was to be okay on my own; that even when I find myself in a situation where I would need to lean on friends, I would lean on other friends and not him. That huge favor I'm doing for him... I regret it so much because now I'm going to have to keep in touch with him on some level. Five steps forward, three steps back. I should've just said no. I can only imagine how outsiders will see this as being very "big" of me, class act, etc. Well, I ask... where are those friends of his now?

 

Having a cry in the bathroom again when I was reflecting on what I'm doing for him? I don't feel like what I'm doing is a "class act". I know what I'm doing is a mistake. I don't want to know what he's doing, I don't want any impetus to care for him more than I do now. He can do what he wants (ouch), do who he wants (ouch!), but I don't want to be a part of his life. I don't want him to be a part of mine anymore.

 

So she's in Estonia. Well, I'm pretty sure you'll find yourself some activities to occupy yourself with. Just take care of yourself, ok? I'll take care of me, too.

[Ofleg7]

Thanks Nick very helpful post and link.

 

Pen, It's good to know that you've made up your mind and know what you want. Five steps forward and three steps back is still two steps forward, so at least you're going places, even if it is in smaller steps than you'd want.

 

Currently I'm on the Isle Of Wight on the South Coast of England where my parents moved to in the summer. They're away in Spain so at the moment it's just me, my nan (who I dont particularly get along with, but that's a whole other post) and my dog Sophie, who I love to pieces. Unfortunately there's not a lot to do here and as I'm hardly ever here I don't know anybody in the area so I have no friends here. Therefore.. I don't have much to do to take my mind off matters.. except sit at the computer, watch TV or do university work. So it's not easy for me right now. I had a quite a bad evening on Saturday but since then it's been ok.

 

This period where there's no possible way for me to get in touch with her is torture.. but also a blessing in disguise. Next week should be better as I'll be back home (well.. back to my university home anyway) and hopefully there'll be people around and I'll also have a lot of work to get on with.

 

Thanks guys x