What type of abuse was/is this? Reply quickly - almost out of time.

[nolove4me]

I need help on the type of abuse this was and how to repair myself. I have no money now. No job yet. I'm living in my car! I am pawning what little I have left for gas money. My wireless internet on my laptop is going to run out soon so please reply quickly to this post PLEASE!!!! I am in tears now....

 

How It all started.

 

I lived in a big city in an upscale neighborhood and had a thriving business. I was never married and had no kids. She lived in the same city but we had never met. She was married with 7 kids to another man. We crossed each others paths several times in different states in the US but never met. We found out later that we went to some of the same concerts together, ate at the same restaurants. I even knocked on her door and spoke to her kids while campaigning for a friends senate position.

 

I was at point in my life where I was ready to sell my business, my house and move to the country. I wanted a big house on a "44" acre ranch and had the money/assets to do it. I had been searching for almost a year to find the right place. Of course my family thought I was nuts for wanting to do this because I was not married and didn't have any kids yet. This was something that I always wanted - A lot of kids and a loving wife.

 

Not knowing it at the time but she moved 1500 miles away in the year 2000. She ended up divorcing her abusive husband of 16 yrs in 2004 and keeping custody of their 7 kids. She was now having reoccurring vivid dreams about a man from Iowa (I'm from Iowa) whose face she couldn't see. She was trying to plan a trip there to maybe by fate meet him somehow when her sister ended up passing away of cancer back in the city where I lived. Well she was given air reward tickets for her and her kids to travel back for her sister's funeral. She went to the funeral and planned a night out with her old friends while she was there. Through some amazing turns of events we ended up at the same place and the rest was history. We were finally together. I was 36 and she was 39.

 

Here comes the bombshell. She tells me (and my mother later) that she was a prostitute to support her kids and stopped 2 weeks prior to us meeting. Her house is going into foreclosure and she is way behind in her bills. So I start sending money (thousands) to save her house and catch her up on her bills (monthly bills run about $4000). I have to start selling all my toys (boats, cars, travel trailer etc.) and send her the money to keep her afloat. We move forward in our relationship and I make several trips to her home in the country over the next four months.

 

We had the physical attraction going for us but there was a lot more to it. We had great communication between us. Laughter beyond belief and she has finished sentences of thoughts I had begun in my head. We both felt as though we had always known each other forever. My birthday is in the last four digits of her SS number, on her license plates and in her mailing address. We have many more neat things like that together.

 

After returning home (now we apart 1500 miles) she tells me she is having problems with her two oldest boys ages 15 and 17. A few days later on the day I'm buying her wedding ring (very nice, 10K) I get a call from her and she tells me her oldest son (on drugs) just beat her up. He was taken away by the police. I really begin to worry about her and feel as though I can't protect her and the other kids being 1500 miles away so I sell my house and business. On the last day I can be in my house I pack my bags, say goodbye to friends and leave for the airport. She picks me up that day from the airport in her area on her 40th birthday and we move in together. I thought that was a pretty amazing birthday present and that it actually worked out that way with no planning. It just happened.

 

Here is where the problem starts. Her old pimp (local businessman) so to speak keeps calling her for the next hook-up for him and the guys (4-6 married & single guys). This goes on every 2-3 weeks for the next nine months and each time he calls I let her know how upset and unhappy I am about it and that if she doesn't stop him from calling that I was going to leave (It hurt me deeply to hear her talking to him). So she tells me that it is not that easy to do because the guy is connected and she can't just tell him to stop calling. In the meantime I'm catering to her every need because I know she has had it very difficult in the past. I'm doing all the shopping, cooking dinners, doing laundry, fixing up all the broken things in the house, taking the kids to school/practices and basically organizing/running the house. I write her love notes, bring her flowers, chocolates, give her massages, buy her gifts. I pamper her for over a year. Her mom and sister made jokes about how I was like the "Mr. Wonderful Doll". You pulled the string and Mr. Wonderful would say loving things like "You relax honey I'll do the dishes" and so on. That is who I was. Her mom even told her that she had better treat me right because I was a very good man and very very good to her and the kids and not to lose me because I was a keeper. Everyone has told her I was a keeper.

 

Now I begin to realize she doesn't and hasn't done anything for me that would show she loves me. No attention, no caring, no initiation of love or affection. In four years together she's brought me a cup of coffee every now and then. She also bought me a shirt on two of my birthdays. No cards or love notes from her. Nothing! I wrote her several love notes and gave her many cards. I even wrote a big love note on our bathroom mirror one morning thanking God for her in a red dry-erase marker before I left for work. She never called me. I called her six hours later to ask her if she had seen it (of course she had) and her response was how in the world was she going to get the red lipstick off the mirror. I was shocked! When I would hug her she would drop down and do this strech thing with her back. I can't remeber what a hug is anymore. When I go and see my mother it reminds me what a hug is suppose to be like. I have wanted to leave her many times because of this and have tried talking to her about it on numerous occasions. She says that if one person (me) is initiating the love (not just making love - all the other little things), affection and attention in the marriage that it is ok. She says a lot of marriages are that way and I should be happy with that. I feel used, unwanted, unneeded, unhappy and have lost all confidence in myself.

 

We have been together for almost 4 yrs and married for almost 3 yrs. We have a son together now making a total of 8 kids. We also had several of the 17 yr olds friends living with us at different times for months on end. Finances were straining our marriage and her ex hadn't paid child support on their 7 kids together the whole time. He is behind almost $80,000 and has quit many high paying ($75,000+) jobs to avoid paying child support. A warrant for his arrest was issued on my birthday for back child support.

 

I have become very unhappy over the past 2.5 years and used alcohol to cover up the deep hurt I had from her. I said many things to her that I wished I could take back. I am very sorry for that. She says I have hurt her deeply because of the things that I have said. I'm not making excuses for my behavior but I felt like a dog chained to a tree that doesn't get any food or water. I love her but feel as though I was used badly. I have lost my desire to do anything for her. I used to publish two magazines in two markets doing 98% of all the work. Selling the ads, creating the ads, laying out the magazine, sending it to the printer, distributing copies in two different states and maintaing the website I created for it.. I was told that I did the work of seven people or more for the magazines. I also did over 50% of the work needed for our other business. I finally gave up on the publishing and everything else. She despises me now for not continuing to provide for her and the kids. In fact I was told by a friend that she hates me now. Why can't she see or understand that her actions or lack of actions (showing love) has changed me into the complete opposite of who I really am? Can't she remember the wonderful person that I was the first year we were together and wonder what happened to that great guy. I can not figure out why she didn't treat me right. I didn't have a sign on my forehead that said neglect me? She will not recognize how deeply this has affected and hurt me.

 

I haven't had any alcohol since I moved out on 2-19-08. I filed for divorce on 2-29-08. I love my wife and kids but I can't see them anymore because she filed abuse charges against me on 2-19-08 five hours after I left our house with my son. I had to return him to the police station. In the morning on 2-19-08 my divorce attorney told me she would do that in order to get our son back from me. He check online to see if she had and she hadn't yet. He checked again 30 minutes later and she did file it. He explainded to me that this was common when a divorce starts. I only get to see the son we have together four days out of the month and do not get to talk to him unless I have him. I do not get to see or talk to our other kids at all. I fear she will go back or has gone back to her old ways.

 

Why did she want to hurt me so badly.

Do I work towards saving our marriage? Was I used? Should I move on? HELP!!!!!!!

[stbx2007]

Wow. I hope you are okay and found some respite. I'm just now seeing this. I would've answered earlier. You need to move on. Get those "real" hugs from your mother until you meet a woman who can and will. Get into a couple of support groups. It would be best to go to one for men and a mixed one. There are women in the mixed ones and you need to know that they won't condone your ex's behavior. Its good you have an attorney. He'll help with the issue of the children. Get back in the saddle at work. You need to for your well being and your son's. Don't let this destroy you. There is no crime in caring for someone. You have a son and that can't be bad.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I hope you were able to find somebody to talk to about this to help you out. I can't believe all that I am reading. That is emotional abuse and I think that's a damn shame when there are men out there willing to do as much for a woman as you had and then to be treated like that. I hope you got out - she is not going to change. It doesn't sound to me like there's any point to "working on it" when the other person is not interested in that.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I hope you take care of yourself and your child, away from that woman. She is abusive and no one deserves that, no one. Don't let one sorry ass person suck the life out of you. You need to be whole for you and your child. I also would suggest finding an all male support group and a good therapist. If money is an issue, call your local counseling association and ask for options. there usually are some. Don't delay!

 

One more piece of advice....I started volunteering at a local school last summer when I was feeling really low and down on myself. Helping tutor kids each week has shown me that my life is valuable and I have a lot to offer. Once I was running late and the boy I teach was really upset. The teacher told him he could see another tutor, but he was adamant that he wait for me. Wow, I can't tell you how touched I was. I had no idea of the impact I was having on this little person's life. If you have any time at all, I would try doing something like this. Volunteer in a soup kitchen, at a school, whatever. It will get you out of yourself and your situation. Trust me, it works.