HELP WIFR LEFT WITH BABY HELP AGAIN SHIRLEY

[peter]

hI AGAIN THANKS FOR YOUR LAST RESPONSE

 

yes you are right my wife has gone back to live with her dad and i already have sent flowers explaining that i love & miss her more than anything I have also phoned her everyday but she is so confussed at the moment that we end up rowing, and my reason for staying away for 2 weeks is because she said it was a good idea it is breaking my heart not seeing my wife or my baby but my wife said if i broke my promise to stay away there would be no chance whatsever of us getting back together, you see one of the problems my wife has said she left was that she really enjoys going out to clubs and pubs she is only 23 and I have not enjoyed this but I have said that I will start to enjoye things like that as long as we are together..

 

This is all confussing me because I thought if you loved someone you worked at your marriage If my wife said she no longer loved me it would seem easier but she is still wearing her wedding rings and says she does love me but we have too many problems for it too work. I am in a desperet state I walk around like a zombie cant manage to eat and feel sick all the time. please HELP!!!

Hi! Does she go to her family's when she leaves you? It can be very hard for you if her parents are coaxing her to stay away from you. Or if they are willing to take care of the baby and give her some free time. It won't do a lot of good to tell her that you'll change. And you won't be able to if you really don't want to. And it won't help to offer to give her a couple of weeks away from you to give her some freedom to decide. What she wants is loving attention right now. And I know it's hard for you too, if you have to work to support your family plus deal with the negative ideas from her family. You need to do things to show her that you miss her and want her to share your life with you. If she's staying at her family's, then use that to your advantage. Show up on their doorstep with a flower and ask her for a date. Pretend that you are just dating again. Women love that type of attention, no matter how old they get, or how long they've been married. Don't talk about problems for awhile. Call her everyday, and talk about fun things. Flirt with her. Take her and your daughter to the park. You will enjoy this just as much as she does.

 

 

 

[Totally Confused]

Hi,

 

I know I'm not Shirley, but I thought I might try to give a bit of advice.

 

You have to understand that this girl married you at a very young age, when she was still trying to figure herself out. At one point she may have really thought a marriage with you was what she wanted, but now it seems to have changed for whatever reason. I'm not saying that because she's young it can't work out, but something happened in her mind to make her really want to leave. If you can, think back to any of the fights you two were having, did you actually listen to what she was telling you? OFten people tend to be so caught up in what they want and the demands that they have and

 

need, that they tend to not listen to the other person. By not listening to the other person and what they're saying, they end up confused once their loved one left them, questioning "why? I don't understand...what did I do to make you leave?" If they had only listened the other person did tell them over and over and over, but what they were saying was never heard. If they had only listened, they could have worked things through.

 

Now go back and listen to what she has told you was bothering her and what she had asked you to try to do to resolve it and to make the relationship work. Were you over-controlling? were you possessive? were you lazy? were you unattentive? Did you ever compromise with her and do some of the things she wanted you to do? You have to realize that when you are married or dating another person, they are in fact their own person who has wants, needs, feelings, desires and dreams, just like you. When that is taken away from them, they will slowly die inside and become absolutely miserable. When they hit their pain threshhold...they'll leave. It's an attempt to try to find themselves again. They want to get to know who they are all over again, w/o someone taking that and stifling who they really are. You say you don't like to go to a club. If that makes her happy (and she is still young) go with her. Why can't you do that for her. You don't want her to resent you, which is what it sounds like she's doing. Marriage is constant work. If she doesn't want to work things out, it's because she's probably tried many times in the past (and you've maybe tried too) and it always goes back to the same old same old (temporary change). she's sick of it and she knows with all your promises, you won't change or compromise. Actions speak louder than words, so what I'd suggest you do is to make an appointment for a couples councelor. You both need it. She needs to talk and you need to start listening to her. You need to talk and she needs to listen to you. If you both love each other, you'll both want to do it, because it's the only option I see. Otherwise, any promises you tell her you'll make, she'll only look at them as empty promises. After the couple's counceling, I would also suggest a private councelor for yourself. It's something that will keep your head clear and make you feel better. If you have insurance through work, it should help pay for it or even if you go to a local church, they usually have a inexpensive counceling. Your wife will not believe you've changed until you show her you've changed and you have to stick with it, otherwise you really will lose her for good...and she's not kidding. So stop walking around like a zombie and start doing something about it.

 

Good luck and I hope it works out.

[Shirley]

hI AGAIN THANKS FOR YOUR LAST RESPONSE yes you are right my wife has gone back to live with her dad and i already have sent flowers explaining that i love & miss her more than anything I have also phoned her everyday but she is so confussed at the moment that we end up rowing, and my reason for staying away for 2 weeks is because she said it was a good idea it is breaking my heart not seeing my wife or my baby but my wife said if i broke my promise to stay away there would be no chance whatsever of us getting back together, you see one of the problems my wife has said she left was that she really enjoys going out to clubs and pubs she is only 23 and I have not enjoyed this but I have said that I will start to enjoye things like that as long as we are together..

 

This is all confussing me because I thought if you loved someone you worked at your marriage If my wife said she no longer loved me it would seem easier but she is still wearing her wedding rings and says she does love me but we have too many problems for it too work. I am in a desperet state I walk around like a zombie cant manage to eat and feel sick all the time. please HELP!!!

Hello,

 

I wish I had a magic cure that I could just pull out of my pocket right now. Your wife is having a very hard time with her own feelings. The reason she wants you to stay away for 2 weeks is because she doesn't want to deal with those feelings right now. Going to the clubs is fun for her, and she probably thinks that if she can have fun, she will be happy. And I believe she loves you too. And that's why she's having such a hard time. She knows that she's hurting you, and she feels guilty. So in her mind she thinks that if she's not with you, those guilty feelings will stay away. Sort of like saying out of sight, out of mind. So just keep calling her everyday. Don't try to have any sort of a discussion about getting back together. Just call her and ask her how she's doing. Tell her you love her. Ask her out. If she says no, don't try to convince her to go. Just call her back the next day and ask again. This may take a while, but love is worth every minute of it. The two of you need to go out alone and have some fun. So right now, that is what your goal is. Going out with her. Start with that small goal first. And you need to make sure that you don't talk about being together as a family. I know, that that is waht you want, but there has to be smaller steps before you get to that point. So please try to achieve that goal first.