Self-love? Independence? Can I get it?

[feelingalone43]

I have recently gone through a separation with my boyfriend of only 7 months because I need to find myself... gain independence... control my emotions and mood swings... learn to love myself... be a better person... and all alone.

 

I really don't have any close friends... No one to talk to about this, or do things to get me out of the house...

 

I just graduated from college and don't have a steady job or daily routine, I am living at home with my parents because I can't afford to move out yet... I just have no motivation. I did do some job applications, but the rest involves me getting out of this house, which I just can't seem to do.

 

I know, this is a good thing for me. I have never been independent, I have never loved myself or had self-confidence, but I cannot find motivation to do anything. I feel so alone. I sit in my room all day, sleep way too long, don't do anything.

 

Does anyone have any advice on...

 

Learning to love yourself? Finding independence? Making more friends? Getting over the need to have a guy in my life 24/7? Anything to just lift my spirits.

 

The sad thing is, I really don't want to lose this guy, and I know I need to focus on me, but I can't stop thinking about what a failure I have been in this relationship... goodness knows, he's told me that I ruined it.

 

Any words of encouragement would be greatly appriciated!

[Arch]

lol, Why do you want to move out so badly?

 

Live at your parents house for as long as you can as it gives you the ability to quickly acquire wealth, IE no need to pay for food, utilities or housing.

[feelingalone43]

lol, Why do you want to move out so badly?

 

Live at your parents house for as long as you can as it gives you the ability to quickly acquire wealth, IE no need to pay for food, utilities or housing.

 

haha, yeah that's true... but I feel I just need to get out and do things on my own... I did live with an ex-boyfriend for about a year... and just think I need to do that again. But you are right about aquireing wealth... that would be the only reason I would stay.

[Arch]

haha, yeah that's true... but I feel I just need to get out and do things on my own... I did live with an ex-boyfriend for about a year... and just think I need to do that again. But you are right about aquireing wealth... that would be the only reason I would stay.

 

Then do it, but I don't think getting your own apartment and partying will cure your problem tho.

[feelingalone43]

Oh, I am not a party person at all! I rarely have any friends so I don't think that would affect me. I guess learning to take care of myself is something I thought an apartment could solve... but you're probably right...

[Arch]

Oh, I am not a party person at all! I rarely have any friends so I don't think that would affect me. I guess learning to take care of myself is something I thought an apartment could solve... but you're probably right...

 

Well you can try it but I am just not sure if thats the primary issue.

[feelingalone43]

Yeah, if I do it, it probably won't be for a while, I don't have much money.

[Queequeg]

I have to say, I am in the same place as you right now! I have no friends, or a job, and after going through a terrible break up, I too, am wanting independence more than ever.

 

I have one question for you: Do your parents spoil you?

 

I've realized for myself why I'm like this. My Mom totally enables everything I do. I've been unemployed for a few months and she might nag me about it, but that doesn't stop her from paying my phone bill, etc.

 

My counselor called me a "Poor Paris Hilton", which totally made sense. It was such a perfect way of looking at it. I'm not a materialistic skank, but seriously. There are no consequences for any of my actions. My Mom is always there to pick up the pieces of my failures. I might not have expensive clothes or a lot of money, but it's there when I need it.

 

Motivation? I have none. I don't feel too good about the way I live, I'm pretty much a degenerate freeloader. But it's comfortable, and I don't have to do anything. So why the hell would I want to change?

 

I'm not sure if your parents are the same way, but you just have to think about this. How are you going to grow up and become a responsible adult if you keep living the way you do? I'm not putting all the blame on my parents. Honestly, my Mom didn't know any better, and I know that. But now that I'm an adult, I have to deal with it by myself. Sorry for telling you my life story, but I think it is relevant.

 

 

Basically, master of the obvious here, but only YOU can do it. You have to want it bad enough. Easier said than done I know, but if you don't, where does that leave you? Exactly where you are right now. Is that what you want? For myself, my first step is finding a full time job. Once I've got that I have no reason not to move out shortly afterwards. You just have to keep it in your head that you have to be your own Drill Sergeant for life.

 

Perhaps you could keep a journal of your journey towards independence, just to remind yourself when you hit those inevitable slumps, how far you've gone. How much you've done. Kind of like someone keeping a journal at the gym, noticing the progression in strength.

 

So, personally I don't think you should stay at home and "save up money" because you have to be honest with yourself and think, would it really be like that? Would that seriously be the reason why you would continue to live at home? Could it be you're just further avoiding real life?

 

Wow that was a lot more than I was planning to write, I must be in a motivated mood right now, haha. This might be totally inaccurate for your situation, but I think I have some valid points.

 

-Queequeg

Edited March 24, 2008 by Queequeg

[Arch]

Why go the hard way if you can go the easy way?

 

I don't get it.

[mface]

I feel like I'm in the exact same place you are. I'm just about to graduate, but I have no jobs lined up and I'm feeling this overwhleming need to get out of my house. Unfortunately, getting your own place is not the first step. The first thing I would suggest tackling is the friends/job thing. Get a job. A job you think you might really enjoy. Not just a job to make money. And if you like your friends at all, try to get closer to them. If that's a problem, then make some new friends. The only reason why people aren't close to you is because you're not trying to get close to them. I'm sure things will start falling into place once you give your life some meaning in those ways. You might not even feel the need to leave home so strongly, but I still advise it.

[Covonia]

It's a period of self discovery, we all go through it at some point in our lives. You need to control the situation, that's what I did and I'm much more prosperous and happier in life. It's fine talking about it, but turn those words into action.

 

Start with small changes and you'll notice a steady change of fortune in not time at all.