Affair revealed - obsessing still...

[u91746]

This is a bit complex, but probably not unusual.

 

I got into an emotional affair with a co-worker. We are both married and each have children. We became very good friends, met privately after flirting in a pub together with other co-workers, and confided feelings for each other that extended beyond friendship. We met in secret several times over the course of a month. I gave her small presents (candies) and cards, and a nice Valentine's gift. Lots of e-mails at work, flirting and checking in with her. She had self-esteem issues, and I felt like I was making her feel better.

 

We took things beyond friendship once after Valentine's, parked and made out. She told her friend I was an awesome kisser, and we were very, very happy. I was pretty caught up and didn't know where this was all going, but it was terribly exciting.

 

One of our co-workers phoned her husband and told him to look into me shortly after Valentine's. He did, and accessed her work e-mail - she had given him her password a long time ago - and printed everything off. He interrogated her first w/o disclosing the e-mails, and the next night, after she'd e-mailed me to say he knew and we'd shared some final thoughts, confronted her with everything.

 

He left but is back, and she's determined to make her marriage work. He came by my house here last week and showed my wife the e-mails. I'd told her most everything, but the nasty bits from the e-mails...I don't even remember what I wrote.

 

Anyhow, the affair is over, and we're all paying the marriage and personal counsellors our not-quite-divorce penalities. We haven't really spoken much, except that she's saying she needs to make her marriage work and I'm doing the same. The kids don't know; neither do the others at work. She has a confidante friend at work, and I have another, and they are keeping quiet.

 

I am feeling many things, not the least of which enormous guilt towards her husband, who had started to be a friend of mine, so the betrayal is double. I feel horrible guilt every time I see my wife and we cry often. It's been a full month since the rupture with her, but I still think of her often and wish we could be friends, but know that won't really be possible - or will it?

 

She's gone on a holiday with her husband - part of the fixing, I think - for a couple of weeks here and then I'm taking some time off and going away with my wife for a week. I've lost 15 pounds over this and I am trying to relieve stress through exercise, but I am continuing to think about her often.

 

I know we didn't sleep together, but there was real intimacy between us. She has quite readily gotten over the fling, but I have not so much.

 

So my questions are these:

 

(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?

(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?

(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?

 

Thanks.

[privyet]

As the wife of someone who had an emotional affair which sounds very similar to yours, can I just say, I think you're asking the wrong questions.

 

Your FIRST concern right now has to be making things up to your wife. you should have NO other worries, least of all about what kind of relationship you'll eventually have with the other woman. She's gone back to her marriage and you should do the same, given that that's the commitment you all decided to make.

 

In fairness to your wife, you shouldn't even contemplate any kind of relationship - even if "just friends" - with her. You should make it clear to your wife that you messed up and all you want is to feel close with her again, and work at that. Figure out why you went elsewhere - to get your ego fed? Because she made you feel good and your wife wasn't? Whatever it is, get to the bottom of that, and forget worrying about her. It's the only way this will work out for you. And forget about apologizing to the husband; it's moot. That's his wife's responsibility.

 

My husband has spent too much time trying to patch things up with the woman with whom he had an emotional affair (in his office) and it never fails to anger me that he didn't put that much effort into normalizing things between us. I eventually ended up leaving him. He did come after me and we're now seeking counselling, but you could avoid a lot of hardship by simply paying attention to your hurting spouse right now - your pain should be secondary.

[LucreziaBorgia]

(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?

(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?

(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?

 

1. By having as little contact with her as possible. The less you see of her the better off you will be. Put that emotional energy toward your own marriage.

 

2. No, don't do that. Not for a long time. He does not want your apology. He wants you to drop off the face of the earth (probably worse, as well).

 

3. None. Period.

[smartgirl]

I have experience with both EA and PA, but the damage to the marriage can be just as bad with both -- depending on how the WS behaves.

 

I understand that you still have feelings for your OW because you can't just flick a switch and turn that off. But understand this -- it is OVER. You have no choice but to act like you never even became friendly with one another. The most important reason is because that will be an absolute necessity for both marriages to heal and for you and the OW to move on. But in addition, you need to understand that there is no future for you and OW -- not as friends or anything else -- you both forfeited the right to your friendship when you let things go too far. You blew it and this is the consequence of that.

 

What you are longing for is a fantasy life. A place where you feel wanted, that nothing is asked of you, that your every thought is interesting, that you are involved with a person who embodies your ideals, that you have found your soulmate, blah, blah blah. You and thousands of others. Affairs give you that beginning of the relationship high, but on steriods. That isn't real life, and that is what was so attractive.

 

I recently suggested that many men get involved in affairs because of the friendship. They long for a friendship where they are not judged, but admired and where they can divulge all their insecurities and unhappiness. But most men will never say those things to another man. They feel more comfortable saying them to a woman who gives them the "poor baby, let me make it feel better" treatment. That creates intimacy and leads to the desire for more intimacy.

 

You are looking for something you need, but you won't find it with OW.

[TheRain]

We took things beyond friendship once after Valentine's, parked and made out. She told her friend I was an awesome kisser, and we were very, very happy. I was pretty caught up and didn't know where this was all going, but it was terribly exciting.

 

You should be thankful that you were caught, because according to your above statements, it was definately on the path to a nearby motel near work.

 

Why are you so focused on her now. What about your wife? Shouldn't all your energy focus on your wife and fixing your marriage instead.

[u91746]

Thanks for all these comments. Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.

[whichwayisup]

Consider seeking some counselling for yourself to help you cope and decide what it is you want to do with your marriage. Has the MW replaced the feelings of love for your wife?

[u91746]

First of all, thanks to the posters since March...I had been away and hadn't been checking this post...your thoughts are especially appreciated and, given the time and distance, fully on the mark.

 

All of your comments are bang on. I did not make any contact with the OM, and am glad for that. I have been keeping NC for some time, with a few incidental contacts which confused me.

 

Just this week, I had a bad incident, however; I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.

 

She sent an angry e-mail reply, making it clear while we were friends, we can't be any longer, and the door should not be left ajar, b/c there can't be anything more.

 

I am sad at being a schmuck, breaking NC and leaving it with a sour taste. On the other hand, she is very reserved, and she hasn't been that clear before about how this would go, except that I knew it, and now I have that clarity and it has helped me finally shut that door.

 

I am still a bit confused; I don't know why she opened this door in the first place if she didn't want it open, and I blame myself for allowing it to open at all...in a different time or place I would have slammed it shut, but it was a difficult time for me.

 

I have been spending more time and communicating very honestly with my W, and that is paying dividends. We made some honest talk about why we ended up where we were, and we are no longer.

 

Thanks for the (harsh) advice and honesty, folks.

[Infinity888]

 

I have been spending more time and communicating very honestly with my W, and that is paying dividends. We made some honest talk about why we ended up where we were, and we are no longer.

 

 

Really? Did you tell your wife about this:

 

"I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar."

[taylor]

 

Just this week, I had a bad incident, however; I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.

 

She sent an angry e-mail reply, making it clear while we were friends, we can't be any longer, and the door should not be left ajar, b/c there can't be anything more.

 

I am sad at being a schmuck, breaking NC and leaving it with a sour taste. On the other hand, she is very reserved, and she hasn't been that clear before about how this would go, except that I knew it, and now I have that clarity and it has helped me finally shut that door.

 

U9 - You reached out because you are still hanging on to the OW and were looking for some hope. The OW is a step ahead of you. She has let go and has shut the door. You now have the closure you need to do the same.

 

I am still a bit confused; I don't know why she opened this door in the first place if she didn't want it open, and I blame myself for allowing it to open at all...in a different time or place I would have slammed it shut, but it was a difficult time for me.

 

You BOTH opened the door because both of you were having a difficult time in your marriages. You were both in the "right" place at the "right" time" to reach out to each other for needs that were not being met in your marriages. You made her feel better and she made you feel better which led to the affair. You both have now made decisions to work on your marriages and that means the door that led to the affair needs to be closed permanently.

 

I know it is hard to do. You will have setbacks like this for some time to come, even if you never contact her again (hopefully you won't). Every time you long to see her or talk to her, remember two things: your decision to recommit to your wife AND your OW's decision to recommit to her husband. Respect both.

 

I know what you are going thru. I am going thru it, too. Good Luck.

[torranceshipman]

My GOD, you're asking what relationship you could expect to have with her 'once this has all blown over'?? I cannot believe how you are disrespecting your W here - I literally cannot believe you put her through this, then complain mostly about your own stress and about a future R with the OW. Unbelievable.

 

I think that in your case you are 100% taking your poor W for granted and I dont think you have ANY conception of how miserable you have made your W - no understanding at all. You used up a lot more of your post complaining about how badly this had affected YOU. I think you are the type of man that would benefit from a separation to see how it would feel to live without your W and to understand how much you probably rely on her...maybe some of those major romantic feelings you have for the OW will be replaced by some longing for your W if you ended up losing her. And if you think to yourself 'I dont have feelings like that for my W', then D her and let her find a guy that'll truly love her in a way that you can't.

[u91746]

Taylor, thanks for the thoughtful post. You're bang on again...the door has been shut and I have to think of that recommitment to my marriage / her marriage.

 

Thanks for the harsh and welcome words; I know I've been selfish through this and needed to hear this. Part of getting past it, really. I am not normally selfish; usually the contrary, sincerely.

 

I have been unhappy, however, and when you're unhappy, you don't see things the same. Much happier every day, though.

[whichwayisup]

You need to retrain your brain to not think about the MW. ANYTIME you start thinking about her, missing her or wondering - Replace those thoughts with your wife and how you can recapture the love between you two.

 

The MW is no longer a part of your life - Except at work...Which leads me to my next comment. Is it possible for you to transfer to another department or find another job? Another thing, the co-workers who know about you and MW - Don't talk to them about MW or affair at all. Those two people were your confidents and they were enablers. I have an aquaintance who cheated on her husband, a woman she worked with knew about it and kind of was her 'cover' at times, when D-Day came around not only did she have to leave her job, she had to end the friendship with the woman as well. Her husband asked her to, and she did.

 

Has your wife asked you to leave your job or have you offered to? I'm sure just knowing that the chances are good that you and MW WILL run into eachother at work, sends your wife up the wall.

 

If you want your marriage to be fixed it takes you both to put in 100%.

 

Also, BE an open book to your wife.

[Infinity888]

How come you didn't answer my question?

 

Did you tell your wife about this:

 

I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.

[whichwayisup]

I reached out and discussed some professional things with her, and we chatted. I sent a (long) thank you note to her afterwards, thanking her for what we shared and keeping the door ajar.

 

Yeah this was a big no-no. Don't reach out again. You got your closure so keep that door shut and locked. Throw away the key.

[u91746]

First of all, thanks again for the helpful and honest replies.

 

Which way - I agree with you about retraining the mind and so forth. Part of this has been that I have been trying to keep something from the relationship; going from close friends (EA) to NC is harsh, but necessary; part of it was also that I was trying hard to help her feel good about herself, and work through her unhappiness. Rightfully, we might have been able to continue to be friends, but that was ruined, and this is where we are left.

 

I am in a different headspace about this now completely. I was holding out some hope, but the door is quite shut now. Yeah, it's what had to happen, and perhaps I've been slow in figuring it out, but I'm there.

 

Whichway - I've read lots about this need to move away, pick up your job in a different city, etc. That was, interestingly enough, the impetus behind my approaching her in the first place last week, and breaking the NC. Some jobs were coming up here, and one elsewhere, and I wanted to know how she felt about either option. She made it clear that she's a bigger person than that, and that this was a decision me and my wife had to make.

 

I have thought about it. Frankly, not easy to pick up and leave everything, but I also can't let this event dominate every decision in my life either. She has been very professional, and I am trying hard. I am in a different unit and we have minimal contact as is...this was the only time I'd seen her in over a month!

 

The friends to whom I have reached out were not enablers in the relationship at all. They have helped me through the event, and have lent patient ears. We don't discuss it often, but they are the only people who have an inkling of what she and I have gone through, and they have maintained my confidences.

 

As for my wife knowing about incidental contact with MW, she knows that might happen, and she has made it clear that we are not allowed to be friends. It's not like we're fawning over each other at the water cooler! She knows our contact is minimal; frankly, after this last incident, MW is more pissed than anything, and it's a non-issue.

 

Look, I know it's hard for people to understand, but after having a "secret" relationship, it's tempting to want to maintain something - even a secret friendship - after something like this. I know I shouldn't have reached out and I know I shouldn't have written that note...gosh, I wish I could take it back, but darnit this is my first go at this and part of me understood I didn't have much to lose anyhow by trying; we weren't going to be friends regardless.

 

Finally, I don't want to underestimate the pain of the loss...as Taylor referred to it. I took this very personally, and it was a blow to me from which I didn't recover for a long time. I know it's not all about me, but hard not to take this personally.

 

I will say that we, that is my wife and I, have been working at this, and we understand much better how we ended up here. I am a workaholic and she was filling in a lot of gaps for me while I was busy chasing my career and thinking all that stuff was more important than my family. She learned to make things run at home, and then I didn't feel needed at home. We grew apart. Don't get me wrong, I'm involved at home, and contribute more than most husbands, but she became quite independent.

 

We're working on it, and I am fully back in my right mind. This past weekend was family time and stuff around the house, and like a drug that has cleared from your system, I felt like I'd rediscovered my baseline again.

 

Does that make sense?

[twice_shy]

So my questions are these:

 

(1) How do I stop obsessing about her?

 

Don't know, and really, don't care. Maybe thats your punishment for what you did. That and the fact that no matter how much back to normal your marriage might get, your wife will never trust you 100% ever again.

 

 

(2) Do I apologize to her husband or just let it go?

 

You let it go. You have done enough to him. Any contact with him, no matter if it is to apologize, just might get you a well deserved broken nose.

 

 

(3) What kind of relationship - if any - can I expect to have with her once this storm blows over?

 

Who? The other woman? Maybe you should be worrying more about what kind of relationship you should expect with your wife if she doesn't dump you on your arse.

[u91746]

Folks, just thought I'd update. There have been other threads, but this is where it started.

 

First off, it is difficult to reach back to the time of this first post. I know it's likely been said many ways here very frequently, but being involved in an illicit relationship such as this - even just a strong EA - is intensely intoxicating and causes one to have his head up his a$$. The comments about being selfish, self-absorbed and not considerate of my wife were all bang on.

 

Looking back, I was thinking this would all just "blow over" and be done, and we could return to "normal" friendships afterwards. I know, that sounds horribly selfish, terribly naive and like I have my head up my a$$. All of the above. Trust me, there are so many days when I just wish I could hit the rewind button: I would have her as a friend, her H as a friend (we were heading that direction, which adds to the betrayal) and our children could play together again.

 

My W took this too well, and that didn't help. She is a stoic and wonderfully giving woman, and decided early that our children and appearances were more important than her pride. What I didn't see, what she kept tucked away from me, was the hurt. Crying at work, being completely unproductive at work because of this, crying in the shower, crying late at night to keep things together.

 

Having travelled this road, I have a much deeper understanding of how this kind of thing can happen. I see how people stumble into these things. But I also see how terribly hurtful these relationships can be.

 

I will just say, however, that especially in the case of parents with children - as is our case - there is so much giving that goes on every day, sometimes to the point of complete and utter exhaustion, with very little payback...at least immediately, but no guarantee of any whatsoever...as parents that personal attention is very powerful indeed.

 

I think what hurt the most, and made me realize how selfish I'd been, was when my W said that she wanted what the XOW wanted - to be loved for who she was, nothing more or less - but I was supposed to do that for her, not someone else.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

to the OP: Do you care more for the EA person than your wife? If so, then you need to tell your wife that you have feelings for someone else. Then you move on with your life and your wife can do the same (whether together or apart).

 

It's never too late to be happy (whom ever that is with).

[u91746]

I was feeling pretty good so I thought I'd post here and invite some flaming. I deserve every word.

 

Broke no contact last night. We ended up at a work social gathering and chatted, I bought some drinks for her and her friend, and we ended up at a table together after most of the crowd had left.

 

We were all quite drunk, and her friend was mostly making sure things did not go sideways, and she worked up the courage to confront me. "Are you just going to keep 'dissing' me? Are you going to keep disrespecting me and my family?" It was in another context, but the message was pointed and clear. She's made it clear that we have to abide by no contact, and we weren't. I was not respecting her explicit request to abide, be professional but apart.

 

I didn't have much to say back, except that I cared too much for her. She and her friend left quickly and loudly. I got a cab home.

 

I feel like such a heel. Truly, a buffoon. My ego, my craving to seek and obtain forgiveness, my emotions have gotten the best of me, and now I recognize that in addition to never having her as a friend - something I knew - I may have evaporated the last bit of goodwill there was there.

 

Something I suppose we should have in marriage prep, or one of those discussions someone should have with you at some point and I never got: do you know how devastating, terribly devastating, any kind of an affair is?

[Curmudgeon]

Something I suppose we should have in marriage prep, or one of those discussions someone should have with you at some point and I never got: do you know how devastating, terribly devastating, any kind of an affair is?

 

I think that most of us kinda know that instinctually. If I had ever needed the lesson driven home all I had to do was look back at the ex and her affairs. That's a big part of why she's the ex.

 

It's over. Stop chipping!

[u91746]

Chipping? I don't understand...

[whichwayisup]

You and the OW can never be friends. You both crossed the lines.

 

Focus on your wife, reconnecting with her, prioritize HER over everything and everyone else. Forget your ego - And that addiction for the OW. THAT is not love, it's lust.

 

I've never heard the expression chipping either, but I'm sure if one thinks about it long enough, they can figure it out...

[Angel1111]

I think you're very much in love with this OW and I think that if she wanted to be with you, you would be. I'm not going to tell you that you deserve all of this because these things can totally sneak up on you and, as you said, when you're unhappy, you're not thinking as clearly as normal and tend to take happiness when it comes out of the blue.

 

I don't quite understand what the OW was angry with you about when it seemed the two of you talked for quite awhile before this became an issue. I do have to wonder if she's saying and doing those things for show because she thinks it will get back to her husband. She's not giving you any signs that she wants to be with you but she may not be as mad at you as she seems. It's hard to tell, though. But, having said all that, you do need to respect her wishes and leave her alone. You really have no choice.

 

This relationship and friendship was very significant and deep for you - still is - and I think you really just need to acknowledge that to yourself. If for no other reason, so that you can be completely honest with yourself. I don't know what you and your wife share, or what is lacking but only you can decide if it's worth salvaging.

[Curmudgeon]

It's an addiction term for people thinking they can have just a drink or two or they can just use drugs on Saturday night but that's all they'll do.

 

It doesn't work. You can't have a bit of her here and a bit of her there and not get fully emotionally involved like you really want to.

 

I feel sorry for your wife. She only has a small piece of you and even that little bit is gravitating towards the OW. Obviously you don't have the courage to tell your wife you don't really love her.