Affair revealed - obsessing still...

[NewSunrise]

No they didnt actually cheat - it was one kiss. They cheated in their hearts but not their loins.

 

I dont actually believe that is the bigger issue - I would be more worried that they dont REALLY know what its like to be together outside of work. Work fills in a lot of gaps. I agree with you it has a huge likelihood of fizzling but for different reasons.

 

Anyway New Sunrise I think this has become more interesting to us than to him.

Yeah, no kidding.:laugh:

 

Cheating of the hearts/emotions is still cheating no matter how you slice it. Whether it was ONE kiss, it's still cheating. It be one thing if he gave a quick congratulatory peck or a hug, but..."sparks" as described by him as not his wife is still cheating.

 

u91746: As an aside, I wonder if marrying young increases or decreases the chances of infidelity?

It's a poor excuse. At some point, we ALL become adults.

 

U9 you keep coming up with excuses to bide your time "in the event of". Your wife is standing by yourside despite the humility you've caused her.

 

but I have decided to make my W my priority

No, you haven't. If you did, you'd start a new thread on how to salvage your marriage. Every flippin reply you've written is about your OW. So get real, u9. As long as you think or spend the time talking about the OW are thoughts and time you purposely are taking away from your wife and marriage.

 

So don't fool yourself much less us on LS into trying to convince yourself or us that your wife is your priority. Since when?!

[jj33]

 

This is not to placate any of you lurkers or board members, but I have decided to make my W my priority. It has taken a toll on me to think about this OW obsessively over so long. We have a solid reputation as a good couple, and a role model to other couples (believe it or not!) and many friends who are couples.

 

Who cares - this is not a good reason to stay with your wife. You are NOT a good couple because you would prefer to be with somoene else, even if its unrealistic. And you are NOT happy in your marriage, because you would have left for OW had you had the chance.

 

The timing is just attrocious...like the stars aligned...in that I had really and firmly decided to recommit to my W in buying her that diamond necklace, which she now wears, and the next day I learn of the OW's divorce. If you were really committed to your W, this would not have mattered, it might have felt ironic, but it would not have sent you into a tailspin.

 

How does that sound?

 

U9 you are still acting like a man caught on the waves. This is not about your neighbors and friends and what they think of you as a couple.

 

This is not about the timing of your OWs divorce. This is about you.

 

Have you tried addressing why you cheated? Have you addressed what it is about the marriage that is making you unhappy? ANd dont say you werent your W is a wonderful woman - that is the party line but clearly untrue. If you were 100% committed to your W you would never have cheated.

 

You need to start taking responsibility and really look at the issues. Right now you are swept away by the tide of events. And its really not fair to your wife. She is staying with you, perphaps not knowing that she is second best in your mind.

[jj33]

Ive revised my opinion on this. Actually I think U9s stance is the same as many people in his situation. He is just verbalizing the internal process. There are loads of people who stay because its easier to stay and adopt a wait and see approach deep inside while their spouses think they are committed to staying.

 

In this case the distance between them and the presence of the OW in the workplace will be the wildcard. I feel for you U9, its not easy. And I feel for your wife. None of it is easy.

 

But even if you hadnt spent private time with OW you still would have had feelings for someone else. It happens. And its not your fault for feeling something that you feel. Its devastating for your wife but it does happen. Your wife knows. At this point its everybodys problem not just yours. Noone can really tell you what to do now. Its between you and your wife.

 

The person I was involved with is in the same situation to a degree. He is staying because there is so much at stake but he isnt committed to the marriage per se. If there were an easy and graceful no muss no fuss way to leave knowing that the world a he knows it would remain intact, he would. But there isnt so he doesnt, not because he is working on his marriage but because its the easy option.

[NewSunrise]

Ijj33;2096871 feel for you U9, its not easy. And I feel for your wife. None of it is easy.

 

Yet, it was soooooo easy for him to complicate the lives of those he supoosedly cares for or profess to care.

 

To say that "it is not" easy "after" the fact is another lame excuse to justify the position for even the most seemingly intelligent people for when they get themselves in a mess.

 

So, u9, rather than wasting anymore time, why don't you just do what you're used to doing---flee, indulge in self-gratification and hurt people around you? Hell, why stop now? You're already doing it, right? The destruction on your marriage by your own "easy" decision has already made its grave mark. Buy, hey, why bother caring for anyone else, especially for your wife. After all, you've been feeling the entitlement services as provided by both the illusion of OW and your ongoing contact with her plus a wife on the sideline. Why get off the wagon now? Especially when its rewarding you the best of two worlds.

 

So, go. Chase your rainbow. She's there....waiting for you all in the flesh. I'm sure you've been dreaming her in the flesh. Hell, you've already kissed her. And you know you want more of her and just dying to find out if it could be more.

 

All you have to do is leave everything behind...yep, wife included. That shouldn't be hard. Hell, you're halfway out the door. Why bother stretching your neck just to peek what's on the other side of the fence. All you have to do is carry the other foot out and you're home "free" from "HOME".

 

And don't forget the knight shining armor in your closet. I'm sure in your mind that your OW may want you to wear it when you to waltz into her life to scoop her off her feet. Then you two can ride off into the sunset happily ever after.

[jj33]

People develop feelings. Granted its not good but hes there and hes confused. Thats why hes posting.

 

It may not be fair to his W but its how he feels.

 

I was not justifying his position. Just saying I can understand how it would be difficult to make a choice. He is NOT thinking of his W. He is thinking of himself. You dont have to agree with it, but that is how it is.

 

So if you start from that premise, its difficult, because he has no guarantees on either side, which is obviously what he is looking for. There are none. So he is drifting.

 

And he doesnt have to make a choice because his W isnt making him make a choice. Again I am not condoning it, just saying hes allowed to float. If his W had kicked him out saying dont come back until you are committed to the M we would have an entirely different story.

 

It takes two to create this situation. No I am not bashing his W for trying to save her M, just saying it is what it is.

 

But who knows she may be happy hes going away. No way I would want my SO pining over someone else in my own home.

[NewSunrise]

People develop feelings. Granted its not good but hes there and hes confused. Thats why hes posting.

You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel emotions. He's posting because he can't come into terms with decision making. Just look at how many people have clicked on his soap box---well over 8000 readers.

 

He claims he's been passive most of his life. Granted. But he did not mention anything about being abused. So he doesn't have any excuses for what he has done. At some point we all become become adults and have to make adult decisions.

 

People who are passive usually let others, circumstances and time make decisions for them. Their biggest fear is being blamed for what might be an unfavorable outcome.

 

You dont have to agree with it, but that is how it is.

My argument has nothing to do whether or not you and I agree. It's a matter of perspective.

 

So if you start from that premise, its difficult, because he has no guarantees on either side, which is obviously what he is looking for. There are none.

Life offers no gurantee. But I tell you what, cheating does. Cheating guarantees a wrecked marriage. It reaks havoc to those betrayed, sometimes leaving long-term and life-long emotional scars. Those with children, it affects their perspectives on relationships, marriage, and trust in the opposite sex. And it affects children's relationship with the cheating parent.

So he is drifting.

And yes, people who are passive, "drifts" endlessly like a log down the river.

And he doesnt have to make a choice because his W isnt making him make a choice.

And WHY should he? He's got the best of both worlds. He's got a wife who is standing by his side. And an OW who gives him the willies every time he talks to her or thinks of her. Why rock a good thing? And as long as both women are in the picture, why destroy a perfect picturesque fantasy? He's not a fool.

 

It takes two to create this situation.

Huh? What situation? Did I miss something? The formula for cheating is it only takes ONE person to do the cheating. It takes TWO for cheating to materialize.

 

No I am not bashing his W for trying to save her M, just saying it is what it is.

No, you're not. It's him who is bashing his W by virtue of his actions.

 

But who knows she may be happy hes going away

If she were, she would not have stood by him this long. But hey, maybe there's more to the story than what he's leading us to believe.

 

Who knows, maybe he's getting a kick out of all the attention he's getting aside from having two women vying for him. If his OW didn't want anything to do with him, she wouldn't have answered his calls.

 

I don't about you, but if I guy I have no interest in connecting with calls me:

 

1. I'd tell him that I wasn't interested.

2. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

[SidLyon]

I can't tell you how scared this thread makes me - one year now!

 

S

[jj33]

I agree with you New Sunrise. What can I say. It is what it is. Everyone handles things differently. Personally I am not passive and although passive people tend to be attracted to me, they are not a good match for me. But everyone is different.

 

As you say there is probably more going on than we know.

[NewSunrise]

As you say there is probably more going on than we know.

Gut feeling there is.

 

Notice how seldom he replies much less directly answered those who've hit him right betwen the eyes?

 

And then, notice how he latched on to you?

 

Perspectively, IMO you have offered the softest approach or "most understanding" in such a way that you might even have helped vindicate his wishy-washiness, petal picking thought process. Like you said, every one is different with different approach, and perspective. People who are caught in a situation deemed awkward, inappropriate, unfavorable, even one that is crime related, seek those whose thought process allign with theirs to support their cause. That's probably why he gravitated towards you mostly. You offered the support he needs or wanted to hear.

 

Over 9000 hits on his soap box and counting---kinda odd, don't you think?

 

At least with LakesideDream who had as many hits, he finally found his closure. This dude (u9) hasn't---like a log that keeps drifting down a river. He is no closer to saving his marriage as he first initially intended to do. In fact, he's FAR from it, contrary to his thread title. Wouldn't surprise me if he sits at his computer mesmerized by the amount of attention and follower he's getting. Yours and mine included.

 

Personally I am not passive and although passive people tend to be attracted to me, they are not a good match for me. But everyone is different.

That's great that you're not passive. Often, those who are passive don't feel confident enough to make decisions. So they lead their lives like the log drifting analogy waiting, drifting, waiting until something or someone pulls them out of the water. If not, by the time they make up their minds, it's usually too late. The river has run dry and the log lays marooned on a bed of dry silt to wither away until the tide rises again and the saga continues. Sad, yes, but it's true because those who've led their lives this way don't know any different until they sit back, assess and figure out why they keep drifting to nowhere and can't seem to get ahead.

 

And yes, everyone IS different. While we ALL have the same basic yearning for a WELL-BALANCED place in spirit, mind, and physical presence, it's rare and often difficult to achieve because everyone approaches the same situation DIFFERENTLY. But that doesn't mean it can't be done. It can be done.

 

We are ALL given the same gift in common sense, but often people don't apply them because it doesn't suit their immediate needs at that moment. They deviate and allow fear, selfishness or impulsive emotions to decide for them.

 

Infidelity is ONE "decisive" action in which common sense is NEVER applied much less considered. And the consequences? Universally the SAME---infliction. A bullet right straight in the heart. ONE angle. ONE shot. That's all it takes.

 

u9 has already shot one bullet at his wife. He's about to reload and take another shot at her and has no qualms about doing it.

[u91746]

Thanks NewSunrise for offering that objective assessment I was seeking by coming here to LS. Your impatience/frustration/anger are obvious, and I appreciate the honesty.

 

I think, finally, you have hit the nail on the head, that I've been drifting and not being able to decide, letting things hit me rather than me hitting them. I never did think of myself as a passive person, but in this case I have been.

 

Your comments, all of you, have been helpful. There are no easy answers. Bottom line for me: is passion enough to sustain a relationship, and when passion is gone from a relationship, is it reason alone enough to leave?

 

Does that make sense? Do you pick up and leave a relationship, kids and a home, with all the financial consequences that decision entails, and the public scorn from friends and family, to pursue a relationship, or a prospect of a relationship, that has more passion?

 

I have heard many people casually throw around an easy yes, but I know from friends and reading here that throwing away a marriage for passion is hardly easy.

 

I reconnected with a friend this week who is living away from his W and has for over a year. He had the same chance I do to move back to where his W is and she said she wasn't much interested. They haven't had sex in years. Easy call, outside looking in: get out; I even told him I suspected she was having an A on him w/o any proof, but he is staying in the relationship. Why?

 

My W is a great mother, and does love me dearly. Your insight here has helped me to realize that I have to decide to love her and be with her, or decide not to be with her and still love her, perhaps love her more by being true to my feelings, but I think - and thank goodness we're still on topic here - that it is very hard to live true, and *many* marriages are half-truths, some are outright lies, but are kept alive for so many reasons.

 

JJ33 - I think this is close to your issue?

[taylor]

U9,

 

Maybe it all comes down to what level of happiness do you need in your life.

 

Will you look back at your life in 10 or15 years and regret that you did not seek out a greater happiness? Will you look back and regret that you settled for something less than what you wanted in your life?

 

I think alot of people reach a point where they tolerate their marriage. Some are perfectly happy tolerating the way things are in their marriage. Others reach a point where they just can't tolerate it any more. Everyone has a different tolerance level so while one person in a marriage may be perfectly happy in it, the other isn't.

 

With that said, the question becomes can you be happy tolerating a marriage that lacks passion? Some people can and some can't.

 

Other marriages lack other factors such as affection, stability, security, companionship, civility, etc. Some tolerate these deficiencies; some cannot.

 

Let me ask you this: Did you ever have passion in your marriage? Is there any way to get that back? Have you and your wife discussed it? Is she perfectly happy tolerating the lack of passion in the marriage?

 

Passion is a funny thing. I think most people would say passion fades over time. It is easy to see passion between a young couple in a new relationship. Much harder to see it between two people married 20 years.

 

But you know, the other day I met a couple...he was 78 and she was 76. She had just come home from the hospital after having surgery. They sat on the couch together holding hands and smiling intermittently at each other and I swear I saw a twinkle in his eye when he looked at her. They've been married 43 years.

 

I think your OW woke this desire in you. The thing you have to figure out is where you are going to get this desire fulfilled..at home or elsewhere. But be aware that passion can fade over time. It's up to you to keep it alive.

 

Question, because I am confused...are you still with your wife? Your post above makes it sound like you have already moved...or am I missing something?

 

And a sidenote: Your situation doesn't sound anything like the situation your friend is in. His wife is not interested in him anymore..she has probably moved on. Your wife still seems like she wants her marriage. This friend and his wife have been away from each other for over a year...that probably killed the marriage if it wasn't already dead. You haven't been away from your wife that long..but if you do move away...your marriage will most likely follow the same route as your friend. Do you want to be in his shoes in a year? Seriously, think about that. You have the choice.

[NewSunrise]

There are no easy answers. Bottom line for me: is passion enough to sustain a relationship, and when passion is gone from a relationship, is it reason alone enough to leave?

 

Does that make sense? Do you pick up and leave a relationship, kids and a home, with all the financial consequences that decision entails, and the public scorn from friends and family, to pursue a relationship, or a prospect of a relationship, that has more passion?

Passion IS created whether it is within oneself OR with the person you are with. It is NOT handed to you on a "silver platter". It is NOT to be expected. Nor is it to be taken for granted.

 

A friend of mine (no infidelity involved, but H got caught online porn) was going through similar emotions with her marriage where the marriage had lost its passion. They have a 11 year old daughter. Like most "long term" marriages, they hit a block. She and H constantly were at odds about what to do to ignite their M and figure out what to as a family. Doing things together wasn't fun and when they did things together, no one were really happy---always had something to complain about. Fair enough because everyone don't like the same things.

 

I suggested that they each take turms to be trip/social director per week on family outings or dates. She called me a few days ago to tell me she took my advice and it brought them closer. When it was her daughter's weekend to be the director, her daughter chose skating. My GF hates anything that has to do with "sports". It turned out she had such a great time learning how to skate.

 

Now, each of them can't wait for their weekend. On her birthday, her H ran by her what he had planned for her birthday before he spent the money. No surprises. They went wine tasting in a limo and...yep... made out in the back which they've never done before. I'd say, that's passion.

 

My point? Passion IS part of the equation in order to sustain the ANY relationship. I is NOT the only reason.

 

So here's the OTHER bottom line: What makes you THINK you won't have the same problem in your next R IF you're using this as an excuse to leave the one you are in? And you know damn well that's just an excuse.

 

Look deeper from within. To be passionate, YOU must also have a passion for life. You seem to depend or think that passion should be handed to you in order to feel whole.

 

Entirety of your post, you repeatedly mentioned how your w is an excellent mother and wife. It's obvious she wants the marriage to work. That's passion in her which you have are gravely missing. Know why? Because you've been so self-absorbed in fulfilling this ghostly "passion" to which you seek from this OW whom you think will fill it for you. The sad part is that you THINK she is the answer. And the truth is, you've taken your wife and marriage for granted.

 

You have no passion for you wife, much less respect for her. Even if you try to create any passion or your wife willing to go to end of the rainbow for you, it won't make much difference.

 

Unitl YOU make the decision to move on from this fantasy of yours, there is NOTHING your wife can do. Marriage requires TWO people. YOU have not been in it for awhile. So either get off your aZZ and chase your fantasy OR repair the spokes in your marriage. No more excuses!

[Owl]

Unitl YOU make the decision to move on from this fantasy of yours, there is NOTHING your wife can do. Marriage requires TWO people. YOU have not been in it for awhile. So either get off your aZZ and chase your fantasy OR repair the spokes in your marriage. No more excuses!

 

And this IS the bottom line.

[jj33]

New Sunrise why do i feel like you are fighting with me or somehow blaming me for validating U9s feelings - right or wrong, its how he feels. We all have different ways of responding. this isnt so far as I know a forum meant to tell people to stop cheating and be fair to their wives. Its a forum where people can vent their feelings. We all help in different ways.

 

U9 I dont really have a situation. But yes many marriages are kept alive for reasons other than love for the spouse. I am glad if the thread clarified things for you.

[NewSunrise]

New Sunrise why do i feel like you are fighting with me or somehow blaming me for validating U9s feelings - right or wrong, its how he feels. We all have different ways of responding. this isnt so far as I know a forum meant to tell people to stop cheating and be fair to their wives. Its a forum where people can vent their feelings. We all help in different ways.

JJ-sorry you feel that way. I don't see it as a "fight". As I stated previously, it's just a matter of perspective or viewpoint delivered differently. Nor have I referred to your views as "right" or "wrong". I agree that people come on LS to vent while others seek answers and guidance. And there are those who just want to peek and crawl.

 

While there are no right or wrong answers to most issues, in this case I think there is a subtle one (my views). It ties to a "moral" one. Has nothing to do with being righteous. It comes down to "What IS the RIGHT thing to do". After everything that has gone through during the "pretense" of u9's M, it comes down to "WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO?"

 

u9---you've already done enough damage to your M and humiliated your W. A year later, you still haven't changed your position---still obsessing over the illusion of the OW. Do you know what the problem with illusions? They have no flaws.

 

In the meantime, you continue to humiliate your already emotionally battered wife. Question is how low must you go until you realize that what you are "KNOWINGLY" doing to another person who happens to be your W is NOT right.

 

You don't get it much less see it because your obssession IS in control. And the reason why? Because YOU have ALLOWED it to take control. You can always get off that ride, man up and take control, but you won't because you KNOW you have to GIVE UP someone and something. What is required in giving up is having to make a DECISION. So what do you do? You keep drifting, looking for excuses to bide your time as long as it suits your needs all the while in denial. By passively "drifting" it allows you to AVOID having to make any decision---status quo of one with passive behavior. I also think they call this selfish, immature, and a me-me thing.

 

You claim you've always been passive. Fine. But you can't continue using this as an excuse no more can an abuser keep abusing someone else by virtue of their past. You can't keep using your passivity to avoid making tough but right decisions. This won't be the first nor last decision you'll ever make. At some point, we ALL have to start making grown up decisions. At some point, we have do some behavioral modifications so that we can learn, grow, and move on.

 

The common denominator from ALL of us on LS is that YOU need to get off your aZZ and make a decision one way or the other and not string your wife along. I may be more blunt in delivery, but in the end it's all the same.

 

You havent done right by your wife and in your M all this time. You just "pretended". You have an opportunity to MAKE and DO something right out of something wrong. Still, you choose to do nothing.

[blueintheface]

New Sunrise why do i feel like you are fighting with me or somehow blaming me for validating U9s feelings - right or wrong, its how he feels. We all have different ways of responding. this isnt so far as I know a forum meant to tell people to stop cheating and be fair to their wives. Its a forum where people can vent their feelings. We all help in different ways.

 

i wanted to quote NewSunrise's post to keep forever in my inbox because it gave such clear perspective. he didn't criticize you at all jj33. what i got from it was that u9somethingorother was hiding behind your empathy to the situation instead of using it as insight to make a change in his life one way or another. just an objective viewpoint.

[NewSunrise]

i wanted to quote NewSunrise's post to keep forever in my inbox because it gave such clear perspective. he didn't criticize you at all jj33. what i got from it was that u9somethingorother was hiding behind your empathy to the situation instead of using it as insight to make a change in his life one way or another. just an objective viewpoint.

Your objective viewpoint is dead on.

[kakui215]

The reality is...EMOTIONS FOLLOW ACTIONS. The act of sharing your feelings/thoughts/dreams LED you into falling in love with your affair partner. The emotions followed the action. That's why it's not a "mistake", but a CHOICE.

 

And it works the other way to recover as well...if you change your actions first...your emotions will follow.

 

I saw it in my wife, I've seen it in numerous other circumstances as well.

 

Hope this clears your confusion up a little, PKN.

 

 

Yes! Right on Owl! Love as action turning our hearts to love... We really can "make love".

[kakui215]

Though I'm still in the midst of trying to do this (and encourage my wife to have faith in this), I really do believe that we must do things that help to increase love for each other, that in a LTR, we should not expect that feelings of love (romantic love) will just be there. When we don't just feel it, we've got TO DO things, we've got to ACT WITH LOVE. By doing so, the feelings of love will come along.

 

The same is true with passion. When relationships are new, a certain amount of passion is just there. But if we hope to have passion in our LTR, we typically have to be active and work to have it. When we don't feel love and passion (or passionate love, I could say) in a LTR, we should not just throw up our arms saying, "Oh well! I just don't feel it!", and we shouldn't be surprised when it comes more easily, more automatically, when we meet another, a person with no baggage (at least none connected to us) who is not tied into all the very personal daily stresses we've felt for years.

 

And that brings me to one thing I kept thinking everytime I read posts from the OP: what has he done to bring love and passion back into his marriage? On a daily basis, how has he acted with love toward his wife, even when he didn't necessarily "feel" it? If he is serious about truly recommitting to his marriage (still a big "if"!), does he realize that he needs to perform acts of love and passion (in words and deeds) toward his wife whether or not he is actually feeling any sort of romantic, passionate love for her at the moment?

 

Through acting with love and passion toward our spouses, we restore the promise of actually feeling that love and passion deep inside.

[NewSunrise]

And that brings me to one thing I kept thinking everytime I read posts from the OP: what has he done to bring love and passion back into his marriage? On a daily basis, how has he acted with love toward his wife, even when he didn't necessarily "feel" it? If he is serious about truly recommitting to his marriage (still a big "if"!), does he realize that he needs to perform acts of love and passion (in words and deeds) toward his wife whether or not he is actually feeling any sort of romantic, passionate love for her at the moment?

 

Through acting with love and passion toward our spouses, we restore the promise of actually feeling that love and passion deep inside.

This is the propbem with affairs---a self absorbed, selfish, thoughtless, and irresponsible action. WS don't think about the emotional impact on their BS. It's all about the addiction of the A they get from their OP. Kinda like the highs drug addicts get. Illusions are their realities.

 

But at some point even drug addicts know they have to kick the habit in order to get their lives back on track. Ironically, the process requires another action---DECISION. Some decide, some procrastinate and some well...end up addicts their entire lfe. It all depends on their committment level.

 

For u9, he has no immediate plans on kicking the habit. It's been all about him for the past year. He sees his W and M as the "just in case" insurance policy in the event things don't work out with his OW. He has no committment to his M or W on any emotional level.

 

Passive individuals have aversions to decision making. Easier to run away from conflicts OR have someone else make the decisions for them. Including passion.

 

To create passion, it requires the ACT to create it. This is the problem with passive individuals. It conflicts with their nature---aversion to make decisions.

 

FEAR + DECISIONS = NO ACTION.

Therefore, NO ACTION = OUTSIDE INFLUENCE.

 

To understand what makes an individual passive, one has to step back and dissect his/her upbringing. For example, if a child's parents did ALL the decision making without the child's input or critcized for making decisions, then a child may likely grow up being fearful about making decisions.

 

But the bottom line is, we all grow up. No matter how dysfunctional our family's upbringing, we are not isolated from a world where we've haven't learned to socialize, develop interpersonal skills, become educated, achieved professions and success. We've done all of it. It be one thing if one was kept a prisoner in the family basement for years. But if you've made it this far, you have no excuse to NOT know the difference between right and wrong. If you haven't been in jail or have survived jail time and you turned your life around, then you DO know the difference betwteen right and wrong.

 

For u9, it's been one excuse after another. He has yet to figure out how to make things right by his M and W. And this is the excuse most passive individuals will assume. The are "trying" to figure it out. "Trying" bears NO committment. It's an excuse to NOT act.

[u91746]

Just by way of update, funny how things go huh?

 

I've been pining and wallowing over this woman, and found out today that she has - get this - been in a relationship with someone she dated prior to her marriage, who is also a co-worker and was married with children. This has gone on SINCE LAST OCTOBER.

 

Moving away was not a horrible idea. I had agonized about moving back to that workplace. This makes things so much easier. She was looking to wreak a home, and succeeded in wreaking her own, but destroyed someone else's now too...

 

In retrospect, the time and energy, all wasted worrying about her. I suspect I was just a sloppy second substitute for this fellow, who called me out of the blue at one point "my nemesis" during a floor hockey game (?!) and it all makes so much sense now.

 

So over this!

 

Thank GOD my lovely wife stuck by me, and I have her to focus on and make things right in my life. She is a wonderful, caring blessed person and I am so lucky!

 

I NEVER would have seen this coming, but this woman is fully off the pedestal and I see things so much clearer now!

[u91746]

Does this even compute?

 

Jan - Feb - fling with me

 

Sept - leaves husband

 

Oct - hooks up with old flame

 

Is this a girl with an agenda or just a lost soul? Really.

[jj33]

It sounds like you were part of her transition. She knew she was unhappy at home, she wasnt ready to leave, she was thinking about leaving.

 

But as BNB said, you really need to think about WHY you were open to it. Otherwise you are a ripe candidate for another A.

[u91746]

So do I have any right to feel angry? Part of me thinks it would have been totally fair, given that she knew I was pining for her, to let me know (a) she was getting divorced and (b) she was in a new relationship???? Or am I wrong?

[jj33]

You never left. Does she have a right to be angry?

 

You NEVER pulled the trigger. You were pining but??

 

She didnt owe you information, the EA was over more than a year ago. And the EA was over long before she separated and long before she got involved with the other man.

 

The whole thing has been odd in that she never told you anything. All along she has been very closed and she has not given you any encouragement. From that standpoint she may feel she owes you no information.

 

She probably feels that the fact that she kept you in the dark once it was over and didnt want to be in touch says it all.

 

Nonetheless I can understand why you would be angry. The kind thing would have been to tell you she was confused she likes you but she didnt see anything happening in the future.