Affair revealed - obsessing still...

[icham]

You have to have been there, Reggie, to understand how it feels. To wish the best for your wife and recommit yourself to her does not take away the pain of loss.

 

In my case I fell deeply in love with a co-worker whom I worked closely with. We were never overtly more than friends and we never touched, but I felt a sense of connection with her which was far stronger than any I had felt in my life up to that point. I knew I was losing it and encouraged her to apply for a position (an upward move for her) which involved a move away, but I cherished every moment we spent working together until then, and when she left I cried for the first time in 20 years.

 

I never told her how I felt for her until in an email a month after she moved away (a mistake), after which I immediately confessed to my wife and cut off contact.

 

That was 8 months ago, I'm working on our marriage, it's improving, but there is never a day which goes by that I don't think of the OW. I'm sure healing will come in time, but I think there will always be something there.

 

Call my obsession selfish, call it whatever you like, but the feeling I'm getting over was very powerful and real. To lose that involves a grieving process every bit as real as when you lose a loved one through death. I recognize the stages of grief in much of what I've read in this forum.

 

Before my (one-sided) EA, I believed affairs were wrong and destructive, but that didn't stop me from falling into one. I still believe that, but I will never again harshly judge someone who falls into one. I know now by experience how strong the pull is once you enter the gravitational field.

[pretty professional]

You should be thankful that you were caught, because according to your above statements, it was definately on the path to a nearby motel near work.

 

Why are you so focused on her now. What about your wife? Shouldn't all your energy focus on your wife and fixing your marriage instead.

 

This man hasn't really stated he regrets the EA and also he hasn't stated that he wants to even fix his marriage. It sounds like he's in love with the coworker, not in love with his wife anymore, he needs to divorce his wife and move on. He isn't in love and life is too short, whether it works out with the other woman or not, he doesn't love his wife, so why waste her time?

[Reggie]

These things do not just happen. You cultivated it and were not honest with your wife. I expect that had she known of your affair, she might have moved on or had her own. But, your keeping this secret deprived her of the opportunity to direct her own life. How do you justify the theft of some of her time on this planet, time that is every bit as valuable as yours? Or, do you feel you deserved fulfillment that she did not ? Do you view your life and time as more precious than hers? Presumably , she was abiding by the contract you tow entered into. She was depriving herself of opportunities that may have been every bit as fulfilling as yours. How is that fair?

[pretty professional]

Hey she knows now what a d**k he is so she can move on NOW.

[taylor]

These things do not just happen. You cultivated it and were not honest with your wife. I expect that had she known of your affair, she might have moved on or had her own. But, your keeping this secret deprived her of the opportunity to direct her own life. How do you justify the theft of some of her time on this planet, time that is every bit as valuable as yours? Or, do you feel you deserved fulfillment that she did not ? Do you view your life and time as more precious than hers? Presumably , she was abiding by the contract you tow entered into. She was depriving herself of opportunities that may have been every bit as fulfilling as yours. How is that fair?

 

 

Life isn't fair. Never has been.

 

U9's wife could have left him 7 months ago when she learned of the affair. She obviously decided to stay with him. She had a choice then. She has a choice now. No one is forcing her to stay or depriving her of finding her own happiness. She is free to do what she wants to.

 

U9 won't be able to put 100 percent of his heart back into his marriage until he is completely over the OW. That's the reality. She can accept it or reject it.

 

"Getting over" an affair is no different than getting over a normal relationship. You still grieve the loss of the person you were involved with. You go through the same healing process. And that takes time.

 

Standard advice to someone grieving the loss of a relationship is don't start a new relationship until you are healed from the broken one..you won't be ready..you don't have anything to give a new person.

 

This goes for anyone following a break-up, regardless of whether it's an affair or a normal relationship. It's hard for a WS to jump back into the marriage relationship while they are grieving the loss of the affair partner; just as difficult as it would be for a single person to jump right into a new relationship following a break-up with a SO.

 

There is a period of time following the break-up...any break-up...where this just isn't possible. The heart can't turn emotions on and off like a light switch.

 

It's up to U9's wife to decide if she wants to give him time to get over this affair or not. She has a choice.

[taylor]

You have to have been there, Reggie, to understand how it feels. To wish the best for your wife and recommit yourself to her does not take away the pain of loss.

 

In my case I fell deeply in love with a co-worker whom I worked closely with. We were never overtly more than friends and we never touched, but I felt a sense of connection with her which was far stronger than any I had felt in my life up to that point. I knew I was losing it and encouraged her to apply for a position (an upward move for her) which involved a move away, but I cherished every moment we spent working together until then, and when she left I cried for the first time in 20 years.

 

I never told her how I felt for her until in an email a month after she moved away (a mistake), after which I immediately confessed to my wife and cut off contact.

 

That was 8 months ago, I'm working on our marriage, it's improving, but there is never a day which goes by that I don't think of the OW. I'm sure healing will come in time, but I think there will always be something there.

 

Call my obsession selfish, call it whatever you like, but the feeling I'm getting over was very powerful and real. To lose that involves a grieving process every bit as real as when you lose a loved one through death. I recognize the stages of grief in much of what I've read in this forum.

 

Before my (one-sided) EA, I believed affairs were wrong and destructive, but that didn't stop me from falling into one. I still believe that, but I will never again harshly judge someone who falls into one. I know now by experience how strong the pull is once you enter the gravitational field.

 

So true, and eloquently said.

[2sure]

I've been following this thread and havent replied previously because I felt I had nothing positive to add. My husband cheated on me, it wasnt emotional, which I think I have found easier to get past. Your A was very emotional - for me that would be much more difficult.

 

It also sounds as though your emotions were much stronger than OW's.

To be the betrayed wife of an emotional affair and to know that the OW has moved on but that her spouse really hasnt - would be not only hurtful but degrading. You may not think she realizes how much you have not moved on - but her instincts will tell her. For me, your attachment to this woman, which continues inspite of her angry rejections, puts you in a pathetic light. I understand you love her, and that unrequited love is by nature pathetic - and you are trying to heal. But honestly, to see my spouse lovestruck with another woman who doesnt want him would make him seem so ....small and needy.

 

Like I said, I know what I am saying is not positive. And here is some more. Your own feelings are such a priority to you that on more than one occassion you have made the OW uncomfortable while she is trying to put the A behind her. Your own feelings are so important to you that in asking how to repair your marriage - you ask not what you can do for your wife - but what you can do for yourself.

 

You sound empathetic, you sound sensitive, you sound insightful. At the same time, you cant seem to get past the fact that what you feel is not the OW's or your wife's responsibility. You need to stop putting yourself first.

[MegaMags]

I For me, your attachment to this woman, which continues inspite of her angry rejections, puts you in a pathetic light. I understand you love her, and that unrequited love is by nature pathetic - and you are trying to heal. But honestly, to see my spouse lovestruck with another woman who doesnt want him would make him seem so ....small and needy.

 

This isn't about being pathetic or small and needy. Its about suffering pain and low self esteem. U9s feelings are not optional for him. The pain he is in is real and intense. His feelings towards the OW are so strong as to overwhelm everything else including his reason. It will take time, NC and going through the grief process.

[Reggie]

In addition to overwhelming his reason, it seems to have overwhelmed his compassion for his wife.

U9 got himself into this and completely ignored the pain it would cause his wife. If he is i pain, it is of his own making. Most of us have been through the grieving process of a failed relationship. It does not even begin to compare with the pain caused by infidelity, IMO.

[Angel1111]

U9, you fell in love with this woman and it is very hard to get past that. I know a year seems like a long time but it isn't when you really loved someone. Love is very mysterious and trying to apply logic to it never gets us anywhere. When we connect with someone, we connect. It can happen in a matter of seconds, and it's like being hit by a bus. I can totally understand your need to say goodbye, to get closure, to simply understand. But sometimes we just have to fill in the blanks because there's no one who can or will give us answers.

 

I'm so sorry for all your pain and I hope you will start to see light at the end of tunnel very soon. My thoughts are with you.

[pelicanpreacher]

I've been following this thread and havent replied previously because I felt I had nothing positive to add. My husband cheated on me, it wasnt emotional, which I think I have found easier to get past. Your A was very emotional - for me that would be much more difficult.

 

It also sounds as though your emotions were much stronger than OW's.

To be the betrayed wife of an emotional affair and to know that the OW has moved on but that her spouse really hasnt - would be not only hurtful but degrading. You may not think she realizes how much you have not moved on - but her instincts will tell her. For me, your attachment to this woman, which continues inspite of her angry rejections, puts you in a pathetic light. I understand you love her, and that unrequited love is by nature pathetic - and you are trying to heal. But honestly, to see my spouse lovestruck with another woman who doesnt want him would make him seem so ....small and needy.

 

Like I said, I know what I am saying is not positive. And here is some more. Your own feelings are such a priority to you that on more than one occassion you have made the OW uncomfortable while she is trying to put the A behind her. Your own feelings are so important to you that in asking how to repair your marriage - you ask not what you can do for your wife - but what you can do for yourself.

 

You sound empathetic, you sound sensitive, you sound insightful. At the same time, you cant seem to get past the fact that what you feel is not the OW's or your wife's responsibility. You need to stop putting yourself first.

 

WOW! I've never read a response that so succintly covers the downside of an affair and its effects on those standing around watching this fool's parade so well. Anyone can have their head turned at anytime as long as they want to turn their head so, as a friend once told me, ya get yourself out of what ya got yourself into. He also reminded me that if I do figure my way out of whatever mess I started I shouldn't be too shocked and surprised to find myself standing in a parking lot when all the dust finally settles. Such is life, que cera cera, et etcetera etcetera etcetera!

[2sure]

U9 -

 

Your feelings are valid, you are heartbroken. You are here for support, as I am. I think sometimes I get sooo tired of hearing people use as an excuse (in many different words): "The Heart Wants What it Wants". Honestly, its the most selfish and stupid thing to say, even to yourself. And I've said it.

 

You sound like a good man - but I cant help but feel you need a good shake!

[taylor]

to know that the OW has moved on but that her spouse really hasnt - would be not only hurtful but degrading. You may not think she realizes how much you have not moved on - but her instincts will tell her. For me, your attachment to this woman, which continues inspite of her angry rejections, puts you in a pathetic light. I understand you love her, and that unrequited love is by nature pathetic - and you are trying to heal. But honestly, to see my spouse lovestruck with another woman who doesnt want him would make him seem so ....small and needy.

 

All dumpees grieving the loss of a relationship appear small, needy, and pathetic. Of course, he brought this on himself, as do all people who choose to take the risk of falling in love.

 

 

 

Your own feelings are so important to you that in asking how to repair your marriage - you ask not what you can do for your wife - but what you can do for yourself.

 

Because he needs solutions and suggestions on how he can heal and ''get over" the affair partner BEFORE he can focus on repairing and healing his marriage.

 

A drowning person can't save another drowning person.

 

You need to stop putting yourself first.

 

Focusing on getting over the affair (grieving it, coming to terms with it, uncovering the driving forces that led to it, and putting the affair partner in the past) may sound selfish, but it is the first step to putting his wife and marriage FIRST.

 

Why? Because unless he does that, the marriage is doomed. U9 needs time to look within himself, face some truths, and get to a totally new mindset (and heart set) that is essential to his ability to salvage his marriage. If that is selfish, so be it.

[2sure]

I get what other posting are saying about time and healing and self awareness. I really do. I wish all WS would do the same introspection this OP has. Its necessary.

 

But I really do believe that my point is also valid. Or least bares bringing up.

An affair is a selfish thing - all agreed, the OP included. It is a reflection of some kind of narcissism, even temporary, to have the A to begin with.

 

What I suggest is that this behavior, and all that goes with it, still seems central to this poster. Even though he loves the OW, he has been unable to get past his own feelings to give her the NC she has requested. His feelings are still in the way of going in one direction or another with his marriage. So, yes , his feelings have to be worked through.

 

But at some point the narcissism has to stop. Or at least be recognized as still continuing. Possibly if the OP begins thinking of others first...it will be a step in the right direction. As it stands now, his A selfishness has not changed.

[icham]

It's called, "stop picking the scab". Never mind being selfish vs unselfish, narcissistic vs considerate. It's only that U9 will be happier the sooner he stops trying to negotiate his loss and makes his way through to acceptance.

 

U9, I think part of the problem in your marriage is that you did not really want to end the affair - the decision was forced on you by circumstances. This makes you ambivalent toward your wife. Repentance made under duress rarely sticks. I know nothing about you, but if you're the passive-aggressive type, you may want to check your motives very carefully to make sure that you're not doing these things to make your wife "pay".

 

The other part is the closure issue. I suspect that you would have gone all the way if the OW had been up for it. The fact that she wasn't makes you feel abandoned and wondering if she really had any deep feelings for you at all. Your continued efforts to contact her are an attempt to sort that out. You want an answer, but you know, sometimes no answer is an answer. Do you really think that OW cries in the shower over you as your wife does? I think you already know the answer to that, it's just a matter of coming to terms with it.

 

The bottom line is that it won't be over for you until you truly want it to be over, and until that happens you won't be any good to your wife. If you can reach the point where you can look in the mirror and say to yourself, "OW didn't really love me after all" then perhaps you'll be getting close.

 

Until then, the prognosis is more pain for both you and your wife. I wish you both the best.

[u91746]

Hi folks. I checked back here on my lunch and I was surprised to see how many thoughtful posts there had been. I've been preoccupied with the move, and that's not a bad thing. The new job is a new challenge too.

 

Listen, I want to say thanks for the comments here. I came here in the first place b/c I needed an objective assessment and I was very confused...IC has helped a great deal with that, something I haven't been able to keep up b/c I'm in a somewhat remote area now.

 

I think the other reason I came here was b/c I was seeking answers; I recognize now that some of these answers I will never get from the OW, and I simply have to move past it. It's easy, truly, to assess these things as very simple matters of "you were wrong, grow up and make it right." I know that, and I think we all do, but it's the can of worms that opens up when you take the lid off your emotional box (sorry, terrible metaphor!) and shoving all of those things back into your emotional box. You question what is true, what is the truth.

 

For example, we both knew what we were doing when we started down this path. We both felt things for each other, acknowledged them, and made a conscious choice to do so. In her words, there had been other advances made on her, but those were purely sexual and easier to brush off, but "this was different." This was when she disclosed her hidden feelings to me in private. She cautioned me about leaving my e-mail up at work, and warned me about paying for our tab with a card rather than cash. She knew. I asked myself for a long time whether this was something I made up and pushed on her, b/c this is how it appeared in the e-mails afterwards, but it wasn't. When this all broke, I questioned myself about my role in it all, and was confused. I'm not so much now.

 

The truth is that we did connect on an emotional level, and we both knew what we were doing, at least to start. She tried to slow it down or break it off what have you, and we did once on mutual agreement...my words were that going down this path "only leads to tears either way", meaning if we pursued it and found love, we'd cause heartache breaking from our families, which wasn't really on the table ever, or if we pursued it and split, we'd be saddened for it. There were a couple of moments of rational thought in there, but they were in fact overcome by a strong attraction to one another.

 

So what was the truth, that we were both unhappy in our marriages somehow, or that we truly found love in each other, or were we confused or bored or what? For a long time, I didn't understand; I think in reflecting and with the posts here, I've come to understand that those feelings were there for her, but the family, the kids and the marriage were never on the table...or they were put back on the table when, as a poster stated, "the bubble burst."

 

I've said it before, but if this had purely been a physical thing, or if I didn't care so much for her, her self-esteem, her happiness as a whole, it would have been so much easier. I got pretty wrapped up in making her happier that I was ready to gamble everything for her....to do this in such a short amount of time is odd, to say the least. You know, when you meet someone who is so starved for attention, and despite being quite a strikingly beautiful person, has such a low opinion of herself, you...well I...wanted so much to make her realize how wonderful she is.

 

I know what you are all saying, and yes I married my wife for all the same reasons. She is still my best friend and a wonderful woman, and her confidence has been rocked by this whole thing. The earlier comment about her "knowing" how much I'm distracted, well that's bang on and my wife has frequently surprised me with how insightful she has been into what I'm feeling, why and rationally telling me how she's feeling.

 

Recently, our discussions have come to a head, with her confronting me on "going through the motions" with the family and with her. True, I believe, to a certain extent. I do believe that sometimes you have to fake it to make it, and I'm not going to throw away 16+ years of marriage and ruin 2 children's lives b/c of wavering feelings which will pass. Or at the very least I'm going to be sure. Don't get me wrong, we're working on this, and we're pretty open about where things are, but as was previously mentioned, feelings don't have reasons, and I am not choosing this path...would be much easier just to feel less.

 

Interesting in IC how my counsellor suggested it takes "DOUBLE DIGIT" months to get over this. Indeed. We are at 10 or so, and just now starting to get past it. There are many days I wish OW had never disclosed her feelings for me, or that I'd never met her; I have rebuffed suggestions such as this in the past several times out of duty and committment. I didn't with her. I regret that. This year has been $hit b/c of it.

 

Thanks again...sorry this is long.

[u91746]

It took a year, but I'm out of the fog of this relationship. Thank God for all the patience of friends who knew about it, my wife and the small circle aware of this transgression.

 

What it finally took, the piece that was missing for me, was the immeasurable hurt I caused. I had a good chat with my wife recently and she made me aware of a few things: (1) this woman was downright mean to her in our contacts as families together, showing her that she knew me better than my wife for a short period, and (2) how truly awful I must have seemed to her husband, and of course (3) how horribly hurt my wife was by this betrayal.

 

I know this seems common sense and second nature to most of you out there...but those who have been in this cloud likely know what it was like. It helped to explain many things for me, finally understanding this point of view: I was always perplexed by how easy it was for her to distance herself from me, and interpreted that as rejection. It was, but there was also a very good reason for it: her husband was physically sick at learning of this. He left, and came back only because he missed his kids too much. She obviously and completely wanted to fix that hurt, which was visible and palpable.

 

My wife hid the hurt from me, and I can't blame her, but it left me confused: naively, okay, stupidly, I thought I could patch things up and move on like nothing happened, it was just some kissy kiss wasn't it? An apology and a handshake and everything would be back to normal, right?

 

In hindsight, stupid, stupid, stupid. Part of the reason I came here in the first place was to get that perspective.

 

It has taken a year. A lot of regret and soul-searching, however. I think I really fell for this gal, and I had no idea what I was doing or where it was going. Not thinking at all. I lost a friend, deeply hurt a nasceant friendship, and forever damaged my wife's trust in me and my marriage. It's not even so much the hurt, as the uneven balance in the relationship...all for what?

 

It would have been so much easier to rebuff the proposal, as I had often done...

 

It took a full year to realize that.

[jj33]

Congratulations bittersweet as the ending is... for finding your bearings again. I hope you and your wife are able to get back the ground you lost.

 

If I may impose, I started a thread a few days ago here on the infidelity board (asking why men come back to the OW again and again even if it cant go anywhere) and would value your response.

 

Take good care

[u91746]

Well, I really need some perspective here, and let 'er go boys and girls.

 

Two nights ago I found out she was changing her name back to her maiden name. I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she has been going through a divorce for the past SIX MONTHS! He apparently decided to have an affair and did everything he could to get kicked out of their house and is living with some woman from HIS work.

 

She had kicked him out and has been going through divorce proceedings since before I left for this new job. She never once mentioned it to me.

 

I was positively ashen when I learned the news and called her at her home. We talked for about 1.5 hours, about the break-up, what he has been doing, and how she is coping. She has 3 busy boys whom she loves dearly. He has been smearing her name with his contacts, and she is trying to take the high road in all of it.

 

I told her I was a bit hurt that she didn't let me know...she says she was pretty tapped out emotionally and still is, and she didn't want me to do anything rash. (Like leave my wife and kids for her to pursue a relationship as she is ending a marriage of 17 years?)

 

I offered to support her as a friend. She needs time and freedom to build herself up and end her marriage.

 

I haven't slept. I was away when I got this news and just got home yesterday to a wife who loves me, and two children who were so happy to see me and who are positively beautiful.

 

Ask me whether I should drop all of that to pursue the chance of a relationship with someone who is recently separated and getting divorced. My head says no, my heart says otherwise.

 

I could use some help here.

[jj33]

Its pretty clear that if she said yes she wanted to be with you, give her time to sort the divorce you would leave your marriage in a nanosecond.

 

So the question is, are you using your marriage as a rest stop? Are you there by default. It seems my friend that the answer is yes.

 

You have not chosen to stay with your family who loves you, you are there because you dont have a clear signal from the OW that she will pursue a future with you.

 

This is not about OW. It is about your marriage. And I think that is the problem. You love your children. You may love your wife. But your heart is not engaged with your wife.

 

You need to think long and hard about whether you want to continue your marriage. Divorce doesnt mean not seeing your children anymore. It means changes in your life but it does not mean you fall off the face of the earth.

 

Its been a year and would still go to OW if she gave you the nod.

If you have PM rights PM me.

 

Take care

jj

[imagine]

The question is ...Did you form the piece that misdirected her husbands feelings about their marriage.

 

The next question is ... Why on earth did you try phone her after the damage you've done to your own marriage.

 

Get this: NC means no contact for life!

[jj33]

I think Pelican's statement above that anyone can have their head turned if they want to turn their head is very apt.

 

The real issue for you to face is why you want your head turned? Yes it could be that OW was the picture perfect girl of your dreams but...

 

if you werent open to having your head turned, you wouldnt have noticed or you might have noticed but have not have acted.

 

Before you focus on OW and what she will want when her dust settles, you need to focus on you.

 

WHY was your head turned (other than the fact that OW is fabulous).

 

Are these issues that are fixable as between you and your wife.

 

If not, what are you going to do about it? Either you stay, despite the problems or you leave.

 

My sense is that if hte problems are not fixable, you will not be immune to having your head turned in the future. In that case it seems to me that staying married is not fair to your W or to you.

 

So look deep into the cause dont focus on the symptom.

 

If you decide leaving your M is best for you, then you can see what if anything happens between you and OW.

 

The one answer that is not acceptable;) is that you would be inclined to stay with your family if OW wasnt interested in a future. Your W is not a fallback. Your family home is not a rest stop for wayward men waiting for something better to come along. This answer means you would do the selfish thing, not fully engaging in your marriage but not leaving because the "better" option wasnt available to you.

 

You owe it to yourself and your W to be fully engaged in your M. Not just there because its the easiest choice. I am not saying it is easy. I can imagine its a very difficult choice. But as 2sure said its degrading to your W to live with a man who is greiving for someone else. And the chances are you would leave for someone else in the future if you dont fully engage in the marriage.

 

If leaving is the right thing to do, then do it. Also OW may not be exactly thrilled at the prospect of ending a marriage to run to the arms of someone with a history of cheating even if it is with her. You need to do the right thing by those who love you even if it means leaving. It will bring the right thing to you in the future.

 

I am sure you want someone to tell you what they think OW will do but its impossible to say. She sounds very grounded. She knows she cant be all things to all people right now and she doesnt want to feel pressured by a relationship with you while she is sorting out her life.

 

She is sorting hers now you need to sort yours.

 

Hang in there

 

jj

[u91746]

Thanks, especially jj33...your insight is particularly valuable but I appreciate all the comments.

 

I gathered from our conversation that the head turning had already occurred there. They were going to counselling and such, but in her words it was just for show to make an effort. Appearances are huge. He let her know that he thought of leaving 3 years previous (news to her) and was a complete ass about whether she would leave or he would...she was stubborn and forced him to make that choice to leave.

 

I don't think I was a cause, but likely more of a symptom. At least in their case.

 

I agree about being vulnerable to this kind of thing happening again with other people, and not fixing what is at home. I also agree that it kinda turns right now on a nod or not from her, and it shouldn't. Truly not fair to her to have to make a decision for me in the midst of her divorce, and not fair really to leave that decision to someone else. I know that.

 

But it scares me on so many levels. I imagine the best way to describe it is to watch black & white TV all the time and then get a taste of colour. My wife is a very good woman, my best friend and someone who has consistently supported me, shown me that she is 110% committed to our relationship. Our family is a good family. Fighting is rare, and we are good partners for each other.

 

She is not, however, a very passionate person and it sometimes feel like we are just friends first.

 

With the OW, it was a scary kindred spirit connection, and there was passion and intimacy.

 

How much do you hurt someone though? I mean, is it not fair to be a little less happy but keep a family together? Women in all kinds of bad marriages do that. Unrepentant pursuit of the truth in love is likely a recipe for disaster. I mean, do you leave a church congregation because of a shift in values? Most people go to church for many reasons other than the values put forward by the church itself.

 

Do you throw away a 17 year journey to strike out on your own at the tender age of 40 to pursue a possibility of someone coming around to realizing that you were magic together? Or is that a fool's errand?

 

There is nothing really wrong with what I have. Is it not just time to grow up and realize that passion is small in the greater scheme of things?

 

You know it makes me mad a little bit. Mad, because I really had made a great deal of progress in putting this past me, and I'd gone so far to buy a diamond necklace for my wife this past Wednesday (which is currently in my lost luggage!) as a symbol of my recommitment to her and to our marriage. I had quelled a lot of these feelings and tucked them away in the past.

 

I am mostly mad at myself, honestly. Dammit, why does my heart leap at the remote prospect of a relationship with this woman which would mean so many sacrifices and very little chance of actually working? Why do I have these feelings surfacing?

 

It's not just any woman. There are lots of women around me. I am not an unattractive man. I could pursue any number of relationships if that were my need. It's just this gal.

 

And trust me, my head knows full well that given a couple of years, the OW and I would be likely in a similar position as I am now...

[jj33]

Yeah its a tough one. Do you say I am only 40 I have about another 40 years to live.

 

Do I resign myself to the fact that this is it? No more passion and intimacy...

 

Are you JOKING?

 

(others will disagree but....)

 

the man I was involved with its battling the same question 20 years on... I know its not easy but my oh my at 40 that is a LONG time to sentence yourself to a life without intimacy if the connection was never really there.

 

And doesnt it hurt your W to stay with someone who is there because he feels he is duty bound? Out of obligation? You dont want to find yourself in the same position as the guy I was with. The longer you wait, the more you resent your honorable choice and the things that you know you are missing out on.

 

But if you TRULY think you and OW would wind up in the same place, that is another story - that just sends you back to working on your marriage.

 

I just reread your earlier post above where you said you married your wife for the same reasons.

 

The big question is - where along the way did you and your W lose that feeling (the ones you had and now feel for OW) and how can you get them back?

 

Is it just the normal cycles of life, being together, having children, obligations etc. In that case no dont leave, if its more then youve got a big decision on your hands.

 

And yes you do leave a church do to a shift in values. But a marriage is different. If you think the new congregation will shift in the same way you dont want to be in a position where you leave every time things things feel stale. You need to find a way to keep the magic alive (easier said than done I know).

[jj33]

And by the way the question is not why did HER head turn. Why did YOUR head turn? You are still focused on her, as if your marriage is a distant second in importance.

 

Reread my posts and focus on YOU. and YOUR marriage. Why is your head turned if your wife is your best friend and you used to share this same connection.

 

What happened to make that change? And can you get it back. If you throw yourself into trying to get it back you may find that by the time OW is settled you and W are getting back on track again. But as long as you are focused on the OW first then your marriage doesnt stand a chance of making you happy. You arent nourishing it.

 

The diamond necklace is really nice - but your wife sounds like a good woman. Im sure she would love the necklace and its a great gesture, but thats not going to fix things on its own.

 

What she wants is your heart. And right now thats with OW. All the diamonds in the world wont make up for that.