Affair revealed - obsessing still...

[u91746]

jj33, as usual, perceptive...she was pretty serious about things when we were together, and I took her words and actions at face value. Perhaps naively I suspect I didn't just expect that she was not totally honest, or was but changed her mind, and spent SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY trying to figure that all out.

 

The anger I feel stems from that lack of communication. At first, I understood and supported it as a means of coping with the breach of trust in her marriage, making it work, so on...I had a hard time respecting boundaries, but it made sense, but didn't make sense that she seemed to be into me???

 

Finding out the husband wasn't part of the equation and well if she meant those things, why wouldn't she contact maybe it was out of respect for MY MARRIAGE and ME?

 

But alas, much simpler than that: she was back with her old flame from 17 years previous, busting up his marriage (which I'm sure was troubled too, just like mine??? curious) and oh so vulnerable.

 

A call, text message or even a note through a friend as simple as this in the first bit, or one of the few times we did talk: look, I do like you, I made a mistake and I'm trying to make my marriage work, nothing personal, but gotta do this. Okay. Then, you know, well, I'm seeing someone else and I don't want to hurt your feelings...

 

Is that too much to ask? Tap her out emotionally to say something so simple to someone who was a friend?

 

I mean, and you folks see this here...I fretted about this so much! I thought she NEEDED me and WANTED me and I had to HELP her.

 

I was played for a fool...live and learn...and oh my poor wife. I have a lot of work to do!

[jj33]

I could be totally offbase here but I think you may have seen what you wanted to see.

 

Unless I misunderstand, she was "serious" - it was never more than a kiss right? for a very short period of time and then she cut it off COMPLETELY.

 

And she NEVER gave you any reasons or answers just told you she couldnt do it she was married etc. and there was nothing at all after that. Is that right?

 

If that is right, then I think that she filled such a need for you that you carried the torch alone. You were married, as you can see very often married men lead women on or say I love you I love you - but they are married (as you are).

 

She cut it off shortly after it started. Yes the kinder thing would have been for her to say something but did she owe you anything? no. She has cut you off completely.

 

While it would have been kinder she didnt really owe you any explanation of why she ended it.

 

If she had told you she was divorcing, you would have taken it as a sign of hope. If she had told you that she wasnt interested in something long term you would have been furious as you have strong feelings for her.

 

She is very closed. I think that is one of the things that you liked about her. You hardly knew her other than at work. You never spent any real time with her outside of work and a few drinks after work during a very short space of time. She was all good things on the outside but you never knew what she was really thinking or what was going on in her life, what she was planning, you only knew the little bits she showed you.

 

At this point you are focusing on the wrong thing. She hasnt allowed you into her life for over a year. She has never given you any encouragement since she cut it off. You are still hanging onto the fantasy of what might have been with her.

 

You are married to someone else. Time to let go of the siren that broke your heart and start focusing on your long suffering wife who has stood by you for the past 1+ years while you were emotionally absent.

 

What do you want to do? Marriages go through ups and downs peaks and valleys but lets look at it from her side...

 

You are living with her as if you are a young man she is looking after - raising your children, running the house etc etc etc.

 

While YOU spent the last year in love with someone else, pining away, and now are sulking because she did not make her lack of interest clear and Oh gosh now you are going to have to stay with your wife...

 

I dont mean to be harsh but Im not sure how your wife lives with this. You are acting like she is your mother or auntie, or big sister (aside from the sex).

 

You have taken her for granted in the worst way. And all I can take from this is that you dont love her as in she is the only one for you, she has your heart. The romantic love seems to be gone from the relationship.

 

Sure you can buy her a diamond necklace and sure you can take the family on nice vacations but really you are seething that this MW preferred someone else. Your wife is plan B. And that is SO unfair.

 

You dont have to apologize for how you feel - it is how you feel. But you can look deep in your heart and ask yourself, do I want to be married to this woman. Can I love her the way she deserved to be loved?

 

I think you and your wife need serious MC. And you need IC. Otherwise you are going to be ripe for another affair.

 

And who knows your wife might decide that being plan B isnt good enough. That she swallowed it for so long but its no longer acceptable.

[u91746]

Thanks for the splash of cold water. I needed that.

 

In fact, the reason I turned to LS was for an objective opinion. Looking back, I was holding my heart in reserve and hoping that what she confided in me was true and more than what it was. I can't say she was blameless, but the OW did tell me to shut that door and I never could.

 

It took a long time to figure out that the person I do love has been here the whole time. There was never anything really wrong with her, or our relationship, except that I made some bad decisions, crossed a line and felt what I shouldn't feel.

 

I thank you for the harsh and frank assessment, which I'd read before but shook my head "no" at, wanting to believe that she would come back around, this OW who was so lost and injured and needing my support.

 

Yeah, the woman I do love has been here all the time. I do love my wife. The romance of the "in-love" portion of a relationship can't compete with years of married life, but frankly the solid, lasting love of years of marriage are so much more important.

 

I am *so* thankful to have this family and these kids. Talking to a counsellor this past week, he reminded me: family is most important! Work, friends, material things all pass away, but these kids, and this lovely woman, are, or must be, the centre of my life. The counsellor reminded me he normally deals with men who have lost the kids, lost the wife, and are very, irreparably sad.

 

I have a lot of work to do.

 

Why was I so ready to give everything to this OW?

[taylor]

Hi U9,

 

Thanks for the update but wish the "news" was a little different.

 

You have lost over a year of your life pining for this other woman. In the meantime, your wife is carrying on in a farce of a marriage all by herself.

 

You know if the other woman gave you one small sign that she still wanted you, you would be at her side in a heartbeat. She is still your plan A.

 

Your wife continues to be your Plan B.

 

Every time you get wind of the other woman moving on further from you, you remind yourself how great your wife is. But you still aren't convinced. Your head is telling you one thing, your heart, another.

 

I think you were a stepping stone for this other woman as she made her way out of her marriage and into the arms of her former lover. You played a role in the drama of her life, but it was a minor role.

 

Unfortunately, you allowed her to play a leading role in the drama of your life for the past 1.5 years, while your wife is but a mere "walk-on."

 

You rejected your wife and your OW rejected you.

 

So...where do you go from here?

 

Either recommit to your wife and get yourselves into MC/IC or walk away.

 

IMO, I doubt you will ever be truly happy with your wife because you haven't been able to recommit to her in 1.5 years. You have not CHOSEN her. You are only with her by default. She deserves more...she deserves better.

 

Out of curiosity, how does your wife feel about your inability to shake your obsession with this other woman after 1.5 years?

[taylor]

Does this even compute?

 

Jan - Feb - fling with me

 

Sept - leaves husband

 

Oct - hooks up with old flame

 

Is this a girl with an agenda or just a lost soul? Really.

 

This is a woman running from an unhappy marriage. She's looking for something better but hasn't found it yet...and she won't as long as she keeps running into the arms of married men.

[taylor]

So do I have any right to feel angry? Part of me thinks it would have been totally fair, given that she knew I was pining for her, to let me know (a) she was getting divorced and (b) she was in a new relationship???? Or am I wrong?

 

I don't think she felt like she owed you anything, U9. She ended her relationship with you and moved on with her life..a life that didn't include you. She didn't owe you any "updates" on what she was doing with her life.

 

You, on the other hand, never ended your relationship with her..at least in your mind. You never let go. You never moved on. She is still as much a part of your life as she was when you and she had the affair.

 

But you are merely a part of her past. She has moved on. Your life is of no concern to her. And her life should be of no concern to you, but it still is.

[u91746]

You are smarter than you first let on.

 

How does my wife feel? About as you might expect. She knows all of this. I know all of this. What do I say?

 

Do I feel like **** that I've been written off and forgotten by OW? Yeah, still.

 

Does my wife feel like **** that I've been preoccupied by this OW? Yeah, still.

 

Do I feel like crap because I still think about this woman, beyond all reason? yeah, still.

 

Why does soemone get so "stuck" or hung up on another person? The candy you can't have? Some insight would be appreciated. I've tried to block this out so many times.

[jany]

u91746: When you told me that you are experiencing something similar, I looked up your posts and I guess we are both in the same boat. It's so hard trying to get over this obsession. The harder I try, the harder it is. It's almost unbelievable that we are still able to work together without any awkwardness. But of course, to my OM, he would think I'm fine too, working well, etc but inside, I'm miserable. It has been six months!! So mad at myself.

[u91746]

Well, it took some time, but I'm really out of the fog and done with this one. It really hit home when I found out she was in another relationship; part of me didn't want to let go for fear that she was still holding on, and hoping that she was, and really thinking it was much more than it really was.

 

There were, as I've documented here, lots of weak points. I am fortunate to still be with my wonderful wife, who is not perfect, but no one is and I'm pretty far from perfect myself, my kids, who I think are really perfect, and add in a few bumps at work, but nothing that won't pass.

 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, she is separated and likely divorced, a year on now this month she's been out of her marriage, and sees her 3 kids most of the time. I heard this past week, however, that she has been suspended from her work as a teacher for fooling around with a student (a rather serious no-no) and that would be, for her, a mortifyingly public acknowledgement that something wasn't right personally.

 

This last bit of news brought sadness to me, because I do still care about her, and because I would not wish that kind of turmoil on anyone.

 

But it also brought enormous relief. I never understood so much of what went on, and came here looking for answers. I think now there was something deeply wrong in both of us, and I've taken steps to try to resolve that. I don't know if she has, but it seems like she has been on a path of self-destruction.

 

I don't know much of the specifics. Maybe she fell in love with this (adult) student and they are going to make things work. But I see that I was a small cog in a bigger machine, and understand now that it was never love, never even personal...she was just out of control.

 

Sadly, part of this most recent development re-affirms for me that feeling of self-worth or lack thereof for me: now, I believe that I am not that attractive to women, and it confirms my doubts about my appeal (ego boost vs. ego bust)...even though I have had others say the opposite, including my wife. But I don't know that being more attractive, smarter or wealthier would have made a difference here. This was a step for her down a path of self-destructive behaviour that has led to a divorce and now suspension from her work.

 

It's been an epic journey for me...midlife sucks! And yes, you haters out there, it's an awful thing, a very destructive thing to engage in the fling. Hard to really judge without having travelling that roadway, but having been there, glad to be back.

 

Insights? Comments?

[HUFI]

Well, it took some time, but I'm really out of the fog and done with this one. It really hit home when I found out she was in another relationship; part of me didn't want to let go for fear that she was still holding on, and hoping that she was, and really thinking it was much more than it really was…I am fortunate to still be with my wonderful wife…Unfortunately, or fortunately, she is separated and likely divorced ... I heard this past week ... This last bit of news brought sadness to me, because I do still care about her, and because I would not wish that kind of turmoil on anyone…It's been an epic journey for me...midlife sucks! And yes, you haters out there, it's an awful thing, a very destructive thing to engage in the fling. Hard to really judge without having travelling that roadway, but having been there, glad to be back…Insights? Comments?[/quote

 

Hello u91746;

This is my first and hopefully last post on this topic. I feel a bit over-qualified to speak on this subject as my affair is a result of my carrying a torch for my first love for 33 years and so, yes, I know a bit of what you talk about... I know about the pain and indecisiveness and anguish of obsession but I also know firsthand the hurt and damage that this obsession resulted in.

 

1 - IMO, from what I have read, you are STILL not over this OW. You are still carrying a torch for her in your heart and you are still romanticizing her and the affair. It’s a shame because I can tell you that you can continue dreaming the “what if” scenarios for another 30 years and it still won’t help. I feel like shaking you and yelling at you that I wasted 30 years and it didn’t work out for us. All it did was create more pain for everyone. Stop it now. Go and get IC now and create indifference to the OW or else you will be repeating my mistake in another 29 years.

 

2 – Yes, you are fortunate to still have a wonderful wife. Lucky you! I have to tell you that if your wife had been like mine, you would have been on your ass 1.4 years ago when you failed to make a decison and committ to your marriage. You might think you are fortunate to have your wonderful wife but I have to wonder if she's lucky or happy to have a two timing cheating son of a bitch as her husband anymore?

 

3 – Your sound proud to state that you are really out of the fog and done with this one. WTF? Why could you not come out of the fog earlier? How come it took this long to come out of the fog? Is it a coincidence that you’re out once you found out that your precious OW was just human after all? Passive is just another way of saying Cake eater!

 

4 – I cringe inside when I read that "You heard, you still care, you don’t wish" blah blah .. You know, those are words that I used and said to justify and expalin away my obsession to my OW and you know what? It only shows that you have not created indifference to her in your heart and that’s why I say that you still carry a torch. Throw the torch away before it burns your soul and destroys your marriage.

 

I know what you mean about the “haters” who seem so quick to jump all over top of you and judge. I’ve personally posted a few vents about this but you know what?

 

I have come to appreciate a simple fact. The “haters” are only there because they have had their hearts ripped out of their frikin living chests as a result of some affair and they’re just expressing strongly held opinions as to the validity of affairs and the consequences thereof. It's not good to wake up one day and understand that one of those “haters with strong opinions” happens to be my wife. The tears on her face and the pain in her voice remind me each day of the callous decision that I made to destroy her happy marriage. My wife hates cheaters too!

 

I am/have learnt that my actions simply don’t add up. Thirty years of torch carrying did not equal a fairy tale ending; it resulted in 30 years of lost opportunity.

 

Good luck.

[imagine]

Thank you for the regular updates.

 

I hope that you understand that there are no such thing as soul mates. I think that neither you nor your wife are supplying response to your partner's emotional needs. I recommend that you read the "articles" at the Marriage Builder site and give us a call.

 

Download their EN test questions. I suspect that you and your wife must learn new interactions.

[brook]

your getting some very good advice from the members here that should put you back on track if you follow through. i can particularly appreciate what privyet had to say. stay focused...things will work out for you.

[WalkInThePark]

I find it very worrying that the moment you thing the OW is available, you seriously consider leaving your W for her, and as soon as you know that the OW is involved with someone else, you tell us that you are out of the fog and that your W is the greatest.

 

Something is not right. You need to make serious work of IC to have a long hard look at yourself. That's the only way to find out who you are. And once you know that, you can decide whether you want to be married to your W or not.

 

I am a woman in my forties, single, never married. Over the last years I have met a lot of men my age who married young. Those people who seemed to have their life in order (compared to me with my sad single life) but actually now seem very confused. Some divorced, others are still married but looking for something else. It seems like being married young prevents people often from evolving further as a person. There is a structure and noone dares to shake the structure. There is no real communication, whereby you really talk about what's going on, what you feel, who you are. I feel that the fact of having been single quite often (something I was not happy about) has somehow allowed me to grow as a person.

 

I definitely and strongly believe that being together with someone for many years should not mean having no passion and fun in life. But it seems to me that it is a big challenge to maintain the passion in a long marriage. It somehow sad that when people marry they want kids and a house. And then when the kids and the house are there, they feel stuck.

 

U9, IC is your solution and asking yourself honest questions. If your marriage was really OK, there would not be room for an affair to develop. If you truly love someone and are in love someone, then why would you want to be involved with someone else?

[brook]

lets be fair.

 

I definitely and strongly believe that being together with someone for many years should not mean having no passion and fun in life. But it seems to me that it is a big challenge to maintain the passion in a long marriage. It somehow sad that when people marry they want kids and a house. And then when the kids and the house are there, they feel stuck.

 

we all have experiences,moral, values. sometime things we thought we would never be a part of we find our selves in the middle of. we feel tremendous guilt which further inhibants our judgement. we slip further and further into it. obviously something was lacking and it might not have totally been u9's fault....really. what i've learned through the years is that people marry early...sometimes for the wrong reasons and grow apart. does that mean that they should stay miserable for the kids sake? many people do. and then divorce once the kids leave. does that make sense? children are very intuitive and pick up on things not being right in the household no matter how much you try to hide it. in todays society....should couples stay together for the sake of the kids even when the kids see their parents unhappiness? i have heard kids being devastated by breakups. other do fine and are much happier because their parents are much happier.

 

 

 

U9, IC is your solution and asking yourself honest questions. If your marriage was really OK, there would not be room for an affair to develop. If you truly love someone and are in love someone, then why would you want to be involved with someone else?

 

none of us really knows what went on here. hopefully through communication they can work things out if its what they want. obviously the ow made it clear what her goal was.

[u91746]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

 

I'll just touch on the last bit for now. Room in the relationship and why would this happen in the first place?

 

I agree to a certain extent. I married young and somewhat inexperienced. I was always very comfortable in our relationship, but at midlife there is that "is this all there is" impulse - I'm not the first or last to have felt it, and this opportunity was given to me, and I bit. I've said elsewhere, that opportunity was thrust at me many times before, and I've fended it off successfully, but this time my ego, my selfishness, my desire, whatever, I lept.

 

I know I'm vulnerable...I think we all are. I do love my wife. I don't agree that it was just when she wasn't available that I decided to love her...this was the angst that brought me here: how could I be so smitten with the OW and still love everything in my life?

 

What this step is, and why I'm saying I'm out of the fog, is just that I realize that so many of the questions I had: was it love, could we still be friends, what was it about me, did she really have feelings for me or whatever...well, they are resolved by this action and, perhaps I didn't emphasize this enough, the feeling I have now is that placid indifference.

 

She's a troubled gal, with a tough row to hoe right now. But it's not my problem and I am glad to be out of the equation. I have come through scathed, as has my relationship with my wife, but the rebuilding has been good and we are doing very well, thanks. We talk often about many things, and care deeply for each other.

 

A big part of this resolution was that her close friend and others (including her ex) believed that *I* pushed this on her, and I chased her, and that bothered me. I didn't . She dropped in my lap. And so her recent spat of trouble is testimony to that. She's trouble.

[WalkInThePark]

A big part of this resolution was that her close friend and others (including her ex) believed that *I* pushed this on her, and I chased her, and that bothered me. I didn't . She dropped in my lap. And so her recent spat of trouble is testimony to that. She's trouble.

 

You are now doing what I see so many MM doing here: the only way to get the OW out of their system is to paint a negative picture of the OW. Yes, it seems the OW was not sincere and open with you but hey, you weren't with your wife. Why do different standards apply to you than those you apply to the OW?

 

There are many people out there who go through a midlife crisis, who question their existence, their relationship. Not all of them solve this with an affair. Some actually start IC, try to communicate better with their spouse, buy themselves a Harley Davidson, etc... I think an affair proves that both the wayward spouse and the marriage have flaws. Can't help it but you seem to convince yourself of the value of your marriage the whole time. If your wife and your marriage are so great, I don't think you would have so many doubts. Seems to me that you were only convinced that your marriage was OK, once you learnt that the OW was no longer available.

Would the solution for you not have been a trial seperation from your wife, with no alternative in the picture? I think that you, like so many guys, are incredibly scared of being alone.

[FreezorBurn]

1. By having as little contact with her as possible. The less you see of her the better off you will be. Put that emotional energy toward your own marriage.

 

2. No, don't do that. Not for a long time. He does not want your apology. He wants you to drop off the face of the earth (probably worse, as well).

 

3. None. Period.

 

 

I agree mostly. I am the Betrayed Spouse of a Emotional affair that my wife had.

 

These are my fellings to my wife.

 

1) Absolutely no contact with that douche again ever. This is absolute

*If contact must be made becuase of work tell your spouse everything in advance. This may be hard at first but it will JUMP START the rebuilding of trust.

 

Point 2 is only where i differ. I new the guy (Very little) and I would have felt better, even if it was bulll***** if I got a email or letter from him.

 

Saying Sorry, No sex happend and a very honest promiss to stay away from my wife forever.

 

Don't do this until a little time has passed. Becuase I went threw a stage I detested his lived on this planet and I wanted his very existance erased.

[jj33]

U - I am struck by your statement that there might not have been a different outcome if you were more attractive wealthier etc.

 

That is your self esteem begging for a boost. Its cliche, but you need to look deep within until you see that you are enough. And that this is NOT about you. Its about her. As much as you wanted it to be about you.

 

And the fact that it was not about you doesnt mean that you arent enough. It just means that this was not the woman for you.

 

You still dont seem to have determined whether your W is the woman for you. And that is troubling.

 

Your wife is still bobbing in the waves. She is a patient woman and must love you VERY much.

[MistyK]

You are now doing what I see so many MM doing here: the only way to get the OW out of their system is to paint a negative picture of the OW. Yes, it seems the OW was not sincere and open with you but hey, you weren't with your wife. Why do different standards apply to you than those you apply to the OW?

 

 

It's pretty natural. It's what people do when the feel rejected. OW paint a negative picture of the MM when it ends, BS's paint a neg picture of the H and the OW if he leaves for the OW, or just the OW if he stays. It's just what people do in order to cope. *shrugs*

[inhindsight]

I have just finished reading this very long exhaustive thread.

 

u9 - if you're still out there - I think you need to get IC to seriously GET OVER this OW. The fact that you still happen to know what is going on in her life is disconcerting to say the least.

 

You need to remove yourself from ANY thoughts concerning her. And if you DO happen to hear anything, don't analyze it to any extent.

 

Spend the time analyzing yourself and why you did what you did, and how you can improve yourself, and how that will benefit your R with you W.

 

NC doesn't just mean not emailing/texting/talking/bumping into each other/eye contact. It means letting go of her, Period, with no nostalgia or questions.

 

You don't need to know all the answers, and be upset you were played by her.

 

You just need to move on.

 

I am glad you are repairing things with your W - but you need to look harder at yourself.

[u91746]

I was tempted to "chip" a couple of weeks ago, and am feeling a bit tender, so I thought I'd drop an update here.

 

The only way out is through. It took a very long time for me to come to terms, but I'm through this now.

 

Amazing, how much I thought this was love, and how much I wanted it to be love. It wasn't. I see that now. She has undergone a divorce, and moved on with her life, and I was "stuck" for a long time.

 

Interesting how I believed that secretly, she was "waiting" for me, or concealing feelings for me out of respect for my marriage, or whatever. I don't believe that was true.

 

Very hard to accept that, despite everything that was said and done, this was for her a mistake, and I was a mistake. I never wanted to be, and am still not entirely comfortable with having been a mistake. Therefore, I sought reassurances in the sincerity of her feelings, and the "legitimacy" of what we were doing.

 

It's been a hard slog. Things are still crap at work for me, and she's in a different job now...same outfit. We haven't communicated. But I realize now too that I was placing myself in a very vulnerable position at work, even if I wasn't directly supervising her anymore, and despite the consent part of the relationship, she could easily have played a sexual harassment card and my life would be just one step worse than it is now.

 

In fact, we'd spoken about that and she said she'd never go there - not her style - post-relationship, and I guess I'm lucky for that.

 

It's hard for me to be objective given the stress I'm under at work and such, but we are certainly making things work in our marriage. I think there is some value in recognizing that no one person can meet all of your needs, and it is unfair to expect that in a spouse. What we do have, my wife and I, is a much improved communication between each other, and a depth of relationship I don't see in many other people's.

 

Easy to get caught up, feel young again, and feel immensely valued by someone. Not real, I suppose, as those feelings are quite transitory.

 

The irony I find myself in is that I had encountered this kind of proposition on several occasions throughout my life. I am not a player, rather ordinary I think, but this has happened where a woman wanted to cross a line.

 

I always took the high road, said no, and remained faithful, committed. This time, again because of the inherent risks on both sides, and likely out of some selfish needs on my part, I said "sure, let's give it a try".

 

Insightfully, I saw that this road ends only in tears, no matter which path it takes: if it is true love and you end up together, families are shattered and children scarred; in my case, someone gets hurt, feeling more strongly than the other.

 

Quite a journey. Being able to share it here has helped put perspective, and I thank you all for your insights and comments.

[ladydesigner]

I only read your first post and your last post and I too am where you are at. I did not love my XOM at all and I was his mistake and he was mine. I too realized that my M has much more depth than I thought it did and I too made the mistake of having an A where there were many times before that I could have crossed that line and did not.

 

I went through it as well and came out just fine on the other end. I know one thing that is for sure I will never walk that road again.