She Cheated On Me

[darb]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 14 months and today I found out that she cheated on me about a month ago. I really love this woman and dont wanna lose her but I dont know what to do about all this.

 

I was picking up some strange signals and I got that gut feeling that something wasnt right with her and I confronted her about it. She finally gave in and said she went out with a group of people and some guy that was in the group asked her for her phone number but she didnt give it to him but supposedly he got it from her friend and he called her. He showed up at her work with flowers and supposedly kissed her but she pushed him off her. Supposedly this was all that happened.

 

We talked a little later about things and out of the blue she said " I fxhzed a guy" I was shocked and I couldnt believe what I was hearing. She told me she doesnt want this guy and it didnt mean anything and that she loves me and wants me and the reason she didnt tell me is because she knew i wouldnt talk to her again. I had a feeling thats there was someone else involved but I thought it was something like maybe she was interested in someone else or something minor happened.

 

The past month before I found out about all these things havent been so great. She has been very distant and said she thinks maybe we should just go back to dating and possible see other people. She has two children which I get along with great and now all of the sudden they dont even seem to like me and she said she only wants to see me when the kids arent around...which I thought was odd. Earlier something happened with oldest kid and he asked what I was doing to her at night and asked If I was hurting her and she told him everything and said we were having sex and told him all about the birds and the bees and she said she felt horrible for this and from then on out she wouldnt have sex with me when the kids were home when I stayed over and this made things hard on me.

 

I have made some mistakes with this woman but I was always honest and faitfull and I really love her still. She wanted me to move in but I said I wasnt ready yet and to give me more time. It seemed like she was always pushing the issue for me to move in. Alot of times we didnt see eachother very often becuase we work alot and my job included me staying out of town. Then he brings up she thinks I have a gambling problem because I play online poker alot and she was worried about it. I play very low stakes and basically its just for fun. She was so worried she asked to see my bank accounts cause she thought I was living paycheck to paycheck. I gave in and showed her and she saw that I have alot of money saved up and she felt at ease she said.

 

I really love her and honestly thought she was the greatest woman I ever met but now it seems I dont know her at all. She says she doesnt want this guy and it only happened once but I dont know whats real and what isnt. I kinda get the feeling that this was all pre meditated and she has been seeing him for a while. She doesnt want me around the kids all the sudden, she wants to date but she still says she loves me, she says "if we date you dont ask me where I am and who I am with and vice versa"....... was this all set up to get rid of me? did her kid really find out we were having sex? I offered to talk to him about it she made me promise not to do it. She got a yeast infection and seemed to be on her periods for a long time and we would go like 2 weeks without having sex a couple of times.....she never seemed interested anymore.

 

I really love this woman and I am willing to give her another chance. I always trusted her and this really is a shock. Her ex husband cheated on her with the babysitter and she always talked about how she hates cheaters and she always asked me why arent people faithfull anymore..... she even asked me this 2 days before this all came out!

 

A few days before this came out I was having lunch with her and she told me her friend was cheating on her hubby and her hubby is supposedly an angry man and she was worried for her friend. She asked me what I would do If I caught someone cheating on me...I said I would probably go to jail for beating everyone, kidding. I think she was feeling me out on how I would react and when she said she was scared to tell me cause of what I said. Did she just tell me she loves me and still wants me to smooth things over and get me out of her house quietly so things wouldnt turn worse? I was very civilized when she told me she she cheated all things considering. I tried to call her a couple times on my way home but she never answered.

 

What should I do!!! She is my best friend and We have always got along so good and had a good relationship until a couple months ago. She said she planned on telling me Monday everything before she left for vacation...she was leaving for florida tuesday with her kids.

 

I really wanna work things out....... I love her and cant imagine life without her. I have made some mistakes with her. I didnt show I cared enough, didnt make enough time for her and kinda kept distant at times but I just take things slower then most. She means the world to me honestly. I like her kids too and I cant imagine not knowing them or them in my life.

 

I called and left a message for her to call me....do I call again?

 

Was she trying to get rid of me for good? she said she loves me and wants me and she was crying. Is this all an act because she thought I might turn violent cause I was in her home alone with her?

 

Im sorry for wrting on so long.....i am just a mess right now

[Arch]

Break up with her and don't look back.

[Bryanp]

I seriously doubt you have the whole story. She has been playing you. Find somebody else who can respect you because she certainly does not. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Get checked for std's also.

[darb]

She called up and left me a message saying that she just called and was seeing If i was OK and she doesnt expect me to call her back. I did call her back the next day because I really love this woman and want to work things out, but they have to be on my terms. She told me she loves me and wants to work things out with me and be with me. She mentioned maybe we should have a fresh start and start everything over again if thats possible.

 

I told her on the phone that if we go forward I need to know everything now and to just let it out and get it over with and she said she told me everything and that it only hapened once and it didnt mean anything and it was with the person she told me....but how do I know what to believe?

 

I really cant imagine life without her, she is my best friend. She always seemed like such a sweet and loving girl. Just 2 days before she was talking about how her ex cheated on her and asked me why cant anyone be faithfull anymore....then this comes out.

 

Im just losing it here, I blame myself for some of our problems.... I wasnt there for her alot of times and didnt treat her like I loved her alot of times...I got relaxed in the relationship. She told me she didnt feel like I wanted her....but I really do

[Cobra_X30]

I really cant imagine life without her, she is my best friend. She always seemed like such a sweet and loving girl. Just 2 days before she was talking about how her ex cheated on her and asked me why cant anyone be faithfull anymore....then this comes out.

 

Im just losing it here, I blame myself for some of our problems.... I wasnt there for her alot of times and didnt treat her like I loved her alot of times...I got relaxed in the relationship. She told me she didnt feel like I wanted her....but I really do

 

With this attitude you hand her all of your power. That friend is the opposite of attractive to most females.

 

When you respect yourself... she will respect you as well. Otherwise, how will she ever know that your someone who is worth staying faithful to?

 

Blame yourself if you wish. Every relationship goes through ups and downs... right?

[underpants]

Dude,

 

If you take her back she will learn that cheating is a way to cope with insecure feelings. You, by forgiving and taking her back will reinforce that behavior. Especially, if no time or real loss is felt by her to provoke her to 'learn' from her own bad choices.

 

Just tell her that because of her actions you need some time apart from the entire relationship to re-evaluate where and with whom your trust should be invested. Give yourself that gift of time and distance and use it wisely. Otherwise even if you two 'start over' there will be some nagging doubt and eventual resentment that will come out.

 

It is odd that she was hurt by cheating to go on and do it to you. That seems to be something that alot of people do. I don't understand that and I hope that you don't cope in that manner. Whether with her down the line or another girl in the future.

 

Not everyone cheats, my friend. The best thing is to not put up with it, move on and adjust your attraction to match your principles.

Edited March 24, 2008 by underpants

[Bryanp]

She can't understand why people are not faithful and then she goes and has unprotected sex with someone behind your back? What is wrong with this picture? Did she even have the decency to be checked for STD's? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Allowing her to immediately come back and be forgiven sends a message that you are a doormat and nobody respects a doormat.

[Cobra_X30]

She can't understand why people are not faithful and then she goes and has unprotected sex with someone behind your back? What is wrong with this picture? Did she even have the decency to be checked for STD's? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Allowing her to immediately come back and be forgiven sends a message that you are a doormat and nobody respects a doormat.

 

You realize that people who get cheated on often respond by becoming cheats themselves.

 

Crap rolls down hill friend. When I hear a woman say her last BF was a notorious cheat... my ears perk up and I pay attention to details.

 

I'm not interested in being the whipping boy for someone. I have a low opinion of those who take out their pain on innocent people. It's cowardly.

[norajane]

She is my best friend

 

No, she isn't. Best friends don't hurt each other and deceive them and lie to them.

 

You are being a doormat if you take her back. She already has minimal respect for you since she cheated behind your back and hid it. If you don't let her know that you are upset, and angry, and that she has broken your trust to the point that you don't know if you can ever rebuild it, then she will know it's ok to cheat on you in the future and nothing will happen - you'll just forgive her and beg her to stay in your life anyway. Doormat. She will lose all respect for you.

 

You are a person who deserves to have a woman who treats you with kindness and respect and love. Do not simply forgive her and try to get things back the way they were. Personally, I would break up with her and not look back. But, at the very least, tell her you need time to reconsider your whole relationship and whether you can really ever forgive her and on what terms. She needs to know that you aren't just going to accept whatever crap she dishes up for you.

[shanny]

Whether it was premeditated or not, cheating is cheating. It is rare that couples can rebound from one member cheating. You may say that all is good and you forgave her, but you are always going to wonder, and that is going to put a huge stress on your relationship. Some couples have recovered, but I'm sure it's a very low percentage.

 

It's up to you... but I would find the strength to leave her. What she did was very serious and shows a huge amount of disrespect for you. Plus if you forgive her, you have given her the message that she can get away with it. When people figure out that they can get away with something, they generally do it again. With her excuses to not have sex with you, she may be bored, which is another sign that she may do it again.

 

I hope I'm wrong for your sake. As far as I'm concerned, if someone cheats on me, no matter how much I love them, or how good of a person they are otherwise, it's done. Period. No looking back. There are plenty of great people on this earth that don't cheat. No sense wasting your time with a cheater when you could be on a path that leads you to someone who respects you. Good luck.

[darb]

Ok I admit I made some mistakes by wanting her back and calling her and I learned from it. She called me last night and we talked for a while and she still said she loves me and wants to be with me and I told her I dont know about anything and I said I would need alot of time. I then brought up the cheating part and asked why she told me the way she did by saying "I fghked him" and she said she was MAD at me!! She said I never trusted her and thought she was doing it anyway and she said she might as well do it if she is gonna get accused which isnt the case AT ALL. I told her I always trusted her until she gave me a reason not too. Why does she seem so mad at me for this?? Why doesnt she seem to take on the blame for this?

 

I asked her about some of the past weird things that have happened concerning men and she said they were nothing and that weird things happen to her.....then she said something I couldnt believe. She said things are just gonna get worse when it comes to other guys. She said I am not staying in this house anymore alone and I am gonna be more social! And she said she gets along better with guys and she says its easier to make friends with guys but she also said she wants more girlfriends also...why the hell would she say this now!!

 

I said its late and we would talk tomorrow..... I called once and it went right to voicemail, called again and the same thing but I left a message saying we still need to talk about some things.

 

Never called me back

 

Why in the hell did she say she loves me and wants me back and wants a new start with me then doenst even call me back?

 

Anyway I guess its really over...I wrote her an Email and It wasnt all nice things that I said. I really let it all out this time...good and bad. I just dont see why she would be calling me saying she loves me and she wants me still and wants a fresh start then doesnt call me back??

 

Dam this girl was always the sweetest girl and very kind....this is just a shock to me

[Siphon9a]

Ok I admit I made some mistakes by wanting her back and calling her and I learned from it. She called me last night and we talked for a while and she still said she loves me and wants to be with me and I told her I dont know about anything and I said I would need alot of time. I then brought up the cheating part and asked why she told me the way she did by saying "I fghked him" and she said she was MAD at me!! She said I never trusted her and thought she was doing it anyway and she said she might as well do it if she is gonna get accused which isnt the case AT ALL. I told her I always trusted her until she gave me a reason not too. Why does she seem so mad at me for this?? Why doesnt she seem to take on the blame for this?

 

I asked her about some of the past weird things that have happened concerning men and she said they were nothing and that weird things happen to her.....then she said something I couldnt believe. She said things are just gonna get worse when it comes to other guys. She said I am not staying in this house anymore alone and I am gonna be more social! And she said she gets along better with guys and she says its easier to make friends with guys but she also said she wants more girlfriends also...why the hell would she say this now!!

 

I said its late and we would talk tomorrow..... I called once and it went right to voicemail, called again and the same thing but I left a message saying we still need to talk about some things.

 

Never called me back

 

Why in the hell did she say she loves me and wants me back and wants a new start with me then doenst even call me back?

 

Anyway I guess its really over...I wrote her an Email and It wasnt all nice things that I said. I really let it all out this time...good and bad. I just dont see why she would be calling me saying she loves me and she wants me still and wants a fresh start then doesnt call me back??

 

Dam this girl was always the sweetest girl and very kind....this is just a shock to me

 

Man I'm alot like you, trying to rationalize things and make them make sense to you. In your situation, I would flat out be done. No calls, to emails, no I'm sorries. She screwed up big time. Even if you were having problems, it could have been something that she could have tried to talk directly to you as an equal about. Not screw some other dude. And even if you were at a point where you didn't think talking was necessary she could have just broken it off with you and left it at that. There is never any reason at all to cheat on someone in that way. It shows that they don't care and reveals the true colors inside themselves. You'll be much better off in the long run just turning your back and walking away. Try to not communicate with her for a couple weeks and go back and re-evaluate how you feel. The reason I say not to talk is to give your mind a chance to process all that has happened to see what's really going on without all the emotional stuff blocking your mind.

[twice_shy]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 14 months and today I found out that she cheated on me about a month ago. I really love this woman and dont wanna lose her but I dont know what to do about all this.

 

I know how you feel, but ask yourself, "why in the hell do I want someone that cheats on me?"

 

I'm not going to say what I'm about to to hurt you, but rather to get you to see what it is. She obviously didn't love you to keep her legs crossed to another guy. She obviously didn't love you enough to keep from cheating.

 

I understand all the feelings that come with cheating. I had the same ones you did, but when I calmed down and thought things through with clarity, I came to the realization that there was no way I was going to spend the rest of my life with a cheater.

 

Thats what she is, a cheater. Why would you want that?

 

I'd just say dump her. Let her find someone else to cheat on.

[twice_shy]

Ok I admit I made some mistakes by wanting her back and calling her and I learned from it. She called me last night and we talked for a while and she still said she loves me and wants to be with me and I told her I dont know about anything and I said I would need alot of time. I then brought up the cheating part and asked why she told me the way she did by saying "I fghked him" and she said she was MAD at me!! She said I never trusted her and thought she was doing it anyway and she said she might as well do it if she is gonna get accused which isnt the case AT ALL.

 

Ok, I've heard enough. I don't care how much you say you love this girl. I'm just gonna come right out and say it. She is nothing but trash. If you think she is using that as an excuse now, oh boy!! I'd love to see what she does when you two have REAL problems. Probably go out and f##k an entire football team.

 

dude, she is trash, put her out on the street where she belongs.

[KidEternity]

Ok, I've heard enough. I don't care how much you say you love this girl. I'm just gonna come right out and say it. She is nothing but trash. If you think she is using that as an excuse now, oh boy!! I'd love to see what she does when you two have REAL problems. Probably go out and f##k an entire football team.

 

dude, she is trash, put her out on the street where she belongs.

 

Basically what he said only less offensive

 

My advice is just get out of there man, despite your feelings for her, she treated you like crap and you don't deserve it. Get out of there, just imagine a few years down and the same thing happens, do you want that?

[norajane]

Why in the hell did she say she loves me and wants me back and wants a new start with me then doenst even call me back?

 

Because she lied. She doesn't love you. Her "new start" includes other men.

 

The question is, why do you keep calling her?

[underpants]

I asked her about some of the past weird things that have happened concerning men and she said they were nothing and that weird things happen to her.....then she said something I couldnt believe. She said things are just gonna get worse when it comes to other guys. She said I am not staying in this house anymore alone and I am gonna be more social! And she said she gets along better with guys and she says its easier to make friends with guys but she also said she wants more girlfriends also...why the hell would she say this now!!

 

I said its late and we would talk tomorrow..... I called once and it went right to voicemail, called again and the same thing but I left a message saying we still need to talk about some things.

 

Never called me back

 

Oh my,

 

She is not done with you.

 

If you ignore her, she will contact you again. Probably in some vague form such as a hang up or a text. A test (even if unconscious) to see if you are still on a hook.

 

Why are you asking "why?" and please just don't call her again, even tomorrow, or for a few weeks. Let things chill for a while.

 

That is why I said to give yourself the gift of time and distance. Only with some of both can you objectively wrap your head around her actions and what that means for you. You will begin to see her for who she is. Despite her 'sweetness', she chose a course of action that is not only disrepectful to you and the relationship, but hyprocritical to the hurt she was exposed to. In time you will adjust your outlook and seek/be a better partner to someone more deserving.

 

She can't even acknowledge what she did without excusing it and from what I quoted above she is warning you that it will happen again. No personal accoutability = no lesson learned = she will do it again. The only control you have is to not let it happen to you again, by not reacting to her on any level.

 

Just read around here some and you will get some answers and gain some wonderful wisdom.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. However, it is better to know now what one is capable of then further down the road.

 

With some time away you will be able to move forward, with wiser more discerning vision.

[darb]

I am trying my best but it is just so hard right now. I have so many thoughts racing in my head! I guess I really need to not talk to her anymore......I need to face the reality that if she really wanted me and loved me she would be calling me like crazy but that is not the case.

 

I just thought I found someone special..... I have basically had 4 serious relationships in my life and this one was the longest so far and I have been cheated on every single time! I really thought she was different and that I broke the pattern but I guess I was wrong.

 

WOW........ we talked on messenger for a few and she said that she feels ashamed of herself and she probably cant even look at me. But she also said that maybe what she did she did it for a reason. She said she we will work on things but then said "but honestly I dont want to work at it" "I want it to work out on its own" "I dont wanna be unhappy and I dont want you to be unhappy". She also said she cant imagine life without me and said she is emotionally involved with me.

 

She also said she likes this other guy but cannot see herself in a relaionship with him at all. and she said "maybe by the end of this week you will decide--we will decide how we want to go about this.

 

I dunno....im trying my best to deal with this all

[underpants]

She also said she likes this other guy but cannot see herself in a relaionship with him at all. and she said "maybe by the end of this week you will decide--we will decide how we want to go about this.

 

I dunno....im trying my best to deal with this all

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. However, I'm glad you found your way here. Heartbreak is a process, you will get through it and go on to love again (I know you don't want to hear that ...but you will).

 

I am curious as to your past R's. Did you try to reconcile with those ladies also? Any similiar characteristics/patterned behavior from them or you that you recognize?

 

Not to add to your pain but I think your ex wants a free week to test out the new guy...and then she will bestow on you the opportunity for you to decide how this plays out. Not good. I would encourage you to not MSN her any longer and do not answer contact from her at the end of the week. Let her feel the loss of you. Just drop off of her radar. (trust me...women hate that)

 

Use this break up as an opportunity to learn to discern a better partner for you in the future and to be the guy that they might want.

 

She is not the one for you dude. Let her have her choice.

 

Chin up. It will get better.

[darb]

Well she just sent me a message saying "Got in late...alot of running..take care of yourself this week. She is leaving and going to florida tomorrow and wont return till April 1...... supposedly with just her kids and her dad but hell who knows. I didnt not reply back and I am not going to.

 

As far as past relationships goes with the cheating part they were all different and maybe they really werent worth it and I kinda knew it all along...I think I just wanted someone around. I never thought that way with this one, granted she had some baggage but she had her own home, was a nurse, and really seemed like she had it together. I really saw myself spending the rest of my life with this woman.

 

I feel like I messed all this up myself

[underpants]

Well she just sent me a message saying "Got in late...alot of running..take care of yourself this week. She is leaving and going to florida tomorrow and wont return till April 1...... supposedly with just her kids and her dad but hell who knows. I didnt not reply back and I am not going to.

 

As far as past relationships goes with the cheating part they were all different and maybe they really werent worth it and I kinda knew it all along...I think I just wanted someone around. I never thought that way with this one, granted she had some baggage but she had her own home, was a nurse, and really seemed like she had it together. I really saw myself spending the rest of my life with this woman.

 

I feel like I messed all this up myself

 

That is negative thinking. Look, I have broken it off before and have done so without ever cheating on someone. I am sure I am not the only one. There is a respectful way to end things (no matter what side of the break up you find yourself).

 

In those past relationships did you stick around after the cheating was exposed...just to have someone around. Or did you drop them and stand up for yourself a bit?

 

I know it is new and you are still reeling. I hope others' chime in and give you some confidence and new ways of taking charge and thinking about things.

 

She is going to contact you when she gets back from her trip. Get prepared for how you will (or will NOT) react to that.

 

In the mean time get outside and do some healthy physical excercise. Go and take a walk/run. Hang out with some friends. Force yourself to get outside and reconnect with other people.

[twice_shy]

Basically what he said only less offensive

 

What his gf is doing is offensive. If he sees it in offensive terms, maybe he'll wake up and better his situation by dumping her.

 

If he is coddled and doesn't hear it in plain harsh terms, he will probably justify it in his own mind that she is good for him and will give a 2nd chance to someone that doesn't deserve one.

[twice_shy]

I dunno....im trying my best to deal with this all

 

Best way to deal with it is to leave her in the dust, move on and better your situation.

 

And when you decide to date again, you will find that nothing takes a worthless tramp off your mind than a good loving woman.

 

Once you find someone that respects you, you will forget about the untrustworthy tart.

[darb]

Dam she called me today on her way on vacation and said she loves me and wants me. She said she wants to go to relationship counseling and she said there would be no more talking to guys and going out with guy friends. She said she would call the guy that she cheated on me with and tell him not to contact her anymore in front of me on speaker phone. I told her IF we get back together in the future it is going to be very hard and things arent going to be easy and she said she is willing to do whatever it takes and she knows I will be hard on her.

 

She said she made a mistake and feels so ashamed for it that she feels horrible. We really had a pretty good relationship until this all unfolded 5 weeks ago. I know everyone will say....she is a slut, drop her and move on, and I always have in the past when this happened but I really feel she is different.

 

In out relationship I definetly made some mistakes of my own. Sometimes we hardly seen eachother at all, I was distant, didnt wanna talk about the future, became very comfortable in the relationship. She told me she felt like a doormat and that I was using her she felt. Right now she is driving to Florida with her two kids and she asked me If I wanted to go months earlier.... I said no, and I really never gave her a good reason. I could have gotten off work easily and went with her and I know it would have been fun. I know she cheated on me and ther is no excuse for it but I do know I made alot of big mistakes with her and I didnt treat her like I should have.

[twice_shy]

She said she made a mistake and feels so ashamed for it that she feels horrible. We really had a pretty good relationship until this all unfolded 5 weeks ago. I know everyone will say....she is a slut, drop her and move on, and I always have in the past when this happened but I really feel she is different.

 

Ok. some guys have to learn the hard way.

 

Good luck with that.