Dont know where else to go.

[ash97470]

My wife left me literally about 5 hours ago. I am so confused, and i dont know what to do, or who to turn to. We have been married almost 3 years, im 25 and she is 24. We met online, she lived in california and was moving to oregon to start a new job. She wanted to meet new people and i so we set up a date on the first day she was here. We met, and fell madly in love and she never left me after that first night. She quit her job (it was 2 hours away from where i lived) and since then we built this beautiful life together. We had the occasional yelling argument every 6 months or so, but nothing that didnt end in make up sex.

 

Well last week was her dad's 60th b-day party. She flew down for 4 days to visit down there, and i couldnt go because i had to work. Well when i went to pick her up from the airport, she started crying on the way home. I asked what was wrong and she just said she was depressed. I thought it was home sickness mixed with sadness because we hadnt had sex recently. Which sex always seemed to make us feel closer. Well this whole week she has been depressed and, irritable, and i know something is wrong and its been tearing me up inside. A few days ago i asked what made her so sad, and she said she was happier there. So i told her i would move down there with her, but she said it wasnt just being there, it was being there without me that made her happy.

 

So up until today she said she had been trying to push the gloomy feelings aside, and just focus on getting happy and us being like normal, well it hasnt happened. And i got tired of pretending everything was ok. So we got into, well not an argument, but a big mess. We both left the house, and when i got back, she said she was leaving for california, tonight. So she has been gone 5 hours or so, and i dont know what to do. I get waves of thinking i could be ok, to utter break downs. My family is trying to help, but there isnt much they can do or say.

 

Ive called her and talked to her, and i got the its not you its me speach. She also said that she still loved me, and cared for me. So i dont know what to do. She makes it sound like she is going to try this for a couple weeks and maybe things will change, but i dont see her doing that. honestly right now im just scared, really scared. I lived at home until i met her, then we got our own place, and now im facing doing everything alone. I still love her, and i want her back so bad, but i cant make her do what she doesnt want to do. Im just confused because she says that she cant see herself being with anyone else but me, that our marriage was great, and if she couldnt make it work with me, then she couldnt make it work with anyone. How do you respond to that? what do you do? no one understands what happened. We were like the ideal happy couple, and now ill be divorced by the end of the year. I know there is nothing i can do or say, i just miss her so much. And life just seems so scary right now.

 

I know im not the first and i wont be the last to go through this, but i could use advice, something, anything. I feel like my life is over, and i dont feel like if i did have to find someone else, that i ever could. Especially if she still has feelings for me. She keeps telling me that its not the same love that we had in the begining of our marriage, but i keep telling her that its there, just now we have to deal with work, and responsibility and bills, and romance gets pushed to the side sometimes. I just dont see how leaving me and living in a small cramped bedroom in her dads house is better.

 

Sorry to ramble, i just am trying to make sense of everything and i cant.

[Arch]

lol so typical, When people get married they have to realize that they wont feel the same as they felt when they first met the person.

 

I am sorry man, all I can say is marrying young seems to never end well as one party always seems to go Paris Hilton.

 

You will be fine - you will get another girl.

[Gunny376]

Whayever you do? Don't call, send long love letters, cards, flowers gifts, beg, plead, try to reason with her ~ zlich, nothing, nada! She wants out ~ let her be out! She wants to be gone ~ let her be gone!

 

Give her the gift of "missing you?" If she really loves you? She'll be back! Its really hard ~ as in extremelly hard to be an adult that's out on your own for awhile ~ to move back in with your parents ~ no matter what age! Bam! You're sixteen all over again!

 

Not only has she gotten use to not living with her parents? Her parents have gotten use to her not living with her?

 

This is very much a game of "blinkmanship" and whoever blinks first? Loses!

 

You can believe me or your lying eyes ~ but a more likely scenario? She got back home and hooked up on some level with an old BF?

 

I'd read ilms's thread ~ mind you? It ran for a year and a half, but he and his wife are back together! Here's the link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/?highlight=ilmw

 

Also Wolfe's he and his wife are back together, here's his link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t95838/?highlight=wolfe

 

And PWSX3's thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96821/?highlight=PWSX3

 

Anyting by LadyJane is outstandingly GOOD! She doesn't post too much ~ she gotten too busy campaiging for Obama!

 

Meanwhile? From a post by Lady Jane on Wolfe's thread:

 

You asked for the 180's list, so I'll print it for you here. This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting:

 

Quote:

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her.

 

180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Right now, you don't have to worry about going to NC (no contact). You're nowhere near needing that yet.

 

On the side? Don't be a fool ~ get yourself back into school, Google

 

Divorcebusting

Marrigebuilders

John Gray

Women's Infidelity

Light Her Fire

 

Books:

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need A New Pair Of Shoes"

 

"When Mars and Venus Collide" John Gray

 

"Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" John Gray

 

"Light Her Fire" Dr. Hellen Kriedman

 

"Divorce Busting" Weiner-Davis

 

"The Five Languages of Love"

 

"Love Must Be Tough"

 

"Romance 101"

 

"1001 Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1001 More Ways To Be Romantic"

 

"1000 Things To Do On A Date"

 

"The Mystery Method"

 

"Double Your Dating" David DeAngelo

 

"Secrets of The Alpha Male" Carlos Xuma

 

You should know? The divorce rate for men that marry under the age of 25?

 

90%! So don't go beating yourself up about this? You only had a 10% chance at making it work with her or anyone else?

 

Now? Now is the time you should be spending getting your life straight for the rest of your life? And since success in romance and personal finance go hand in hand?

 

Mary Hunt and Debt Proof Living

 

Dave Ramsey;s "Compledte Money Makeover"

 

Now? Now is the time for you to get out debt, go back to school (so to speak) and learn everything you can about not only personal finance, but romance, seduction, women and the differences between men and women, relationships,etc!

 

Now is the time for you to put one years worth of income in the bank for those "rainy-days" ~ and its going to rain! Now is the time for you to find out what's on your credit report and what your FICO (credit score) is and how to improve it?

 

Now is the time to put back serious bucks toward not only eradicating debt? But putting back some serious bucks toward:

 

Transportation

Car Repairs

Tires

Tune Ups

Scheduled and un-schedules maintenance

 

Housing

 

Downpayment on a house

Closing Costs

Maintenance

Improvements

Property taxes

 

Getting back to your original question? And back on topic?

 

FORGET HER!

 

GET BUSY LIVING YOU LIFE!

[tinke]

Gunny---glad you're back!

[Ladyjane14]

Anyting by LadyJane is outstandingly GOOD! She doesn't post too much ~ she gotten too busy campaiging for Obama!

 

Campaigning for Obama?!

You should be glad this is cyber-world Guns... because even such a pretty compliment wouldn't keep me from sticking your head in a bucket 'til you come back up sputtering with better sense on your lips. We'll call it 'waterboarding ala Ladyjane'. :lmao:

 

(I'm teasing a buddy, Ash. Not to worry, we rarely get violent around here. )

 

Gunny's told you exactly right. If you don't make a stand about how you're going to be treated by this girl... she's going to treat you any old way she pleases for as long as the marriage lasts. Better for you, that you let her go now, then to be going down this same road 15 years from now when you've got a house full of young'uns.

 

People will treat you like you let them. So, your best bet is to be CLEAR about what kind of treatment you're willing to accept.

 

....Well last week was her dad's 60th b-day party. She flew down for 4 days to visit down there, and i couldnt go because i had to work. Well when i went to pick her up from the airport, she started crying on the way home....

 

....A few days ago i asked what made her so sad, and she said she was happier there. So i told her i would move down there with her, but she said it wasnt just being there, it was being there without me that made her happy....

 

....So i told her i would move down there with her, but she said it wasnt just being there, it was being there without me that made her happy....

 

....She makes it sound like she is going to try this for a couple weeks and maybe things will change....

 

....She keeps telling me that its not the same love that we had in the begining of our marriage....

 

I'm sorry, Ash, call me a cynic... but it kind of looks like she's got something going on back in California. Unless she's got some REAL grievances with you that would cause this kind of disconnect, there's something else which is driving her back there. And it's NOT her 60 year-old Dad.

 

Assuming you two are on the same contract, contact your cell phone company and get a detail statement on her phone record. You can do that online or by phone. Find out who she's been talking to. Also, if you've been sharing the same computer, start looking through the cookies and temp files. Most folks will think to clear the history, but often you can find enough leftover info to at least know what websites she's been visiting. Sometimes our spouses are careful with their passwords... but alot of folks write it down and leave it somewhere near the computer until they've remembered it. Then... they forget they've left it there.

Start searching your house for clues.

 

I'm not saying that it's not possible for her to have picked up and left without another guy in the wings. But this business of "let's give it a couple of weeks" sounds like a 'test-drive', whereby one explores a new relationship all the while holding onto the one they have. Breaking down in tears upon eye contact sounds like 'guilt'. Making a firm delineation between being back home without you as opposed to being there with you makes me wonder what's back home that she doesn't want you to see.

[Gunny376]

Like I said? She's good! Real GOOD!

[jmargel]

Well, if she's not cheating then I wouldn't exactly use the 'tough love' approach that I tell others.

 

What I would say to her is something along these lines: 'I love you, and really want you to goto counseling with me, that I have setup (and do so this week). I know the puppy dog love stage has worn off, and it will happen with all couples, however as long as you don't drag me through the mud I will be there to help us get over this.'

 

Then let her reply. When she does there are two words that you need to use quite a bit which are 'I understand'. By saying those words (and biting your tongue when you feel that you are a disappointment to her) it will allow her to open up more to you. It will put down her defenses. Good chance she is depressed, or something else is going on that you don't know about. Does she have any ex-bfs where her dad lives? Just seems weird that she came back from this trip acting like this.

 

Your live isn't over, we've all been where you are at right now. I know things seems really bad, but once the fog clears you will get to the root of this problem. Don't make decisions based on emotions, and don't hound her. Let her come to you.

[Gunny376]

Gunny's told you exactly right. If you don't make a stand about how you're going to be treated by this girl... she's going to treat you any old way she pleases for as long as the marriage lasts. Better for you, that you let her go now, then to be going down this same road 15 years from now when you've got a house full of young'uns.

 

Lady Jane is right! We teach people how to react, behave around us? Its called R E S P E C T! Learn what it means to me!

 

They may not like you? But they will respect you! And give you "your propers" due?!

[Gunny376]

Well, if she's not cheating then I wouldn't exactly use the 'tough love' approach that I tell others.

 

What I would say to her is something along these lines: 'I love you, and really want you to goto counseling with me, that I have setup (and do so this week). I know the puppy dog love stage has worn off, and it will happen with all couples, however as long as you don't drag me through the mud I will be there to help us get over this.'

 

Then let her reply. When she does there are two words that you need to use quite a bit which are 'I understand'. By saying those words (and biting your tongue when you feel that you are a disappointment to her) it will allow her to open up more to you. It will put down her defenses. Good chance she is depressed, or something else is going on that you don't know about. Does she have any ex-bfs where her dad lives? Just seems weird that she came back from this trip acting like this.

 

Your live isn't over, we've all been where you are at right now. I know things seems really bad, but once the fog clears you will get to the root of this problem. Don't make decisions based on emotions, and don't hound her. Let her come to you.

 

Outstanding posts Jmargel and Lady Jane!

 

But come on! You know! I know! She's out "Scrogging"

[Darth Vader]

Darn it! I was gonna say "who's the other guy she's seeing" but, others got there first. Anyway, to the poster of this Thread, Do you really want to take your wife back knowing that she's probably screwing some other man!? I wouldn't if I were you, contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row and serve her with divorce papers, protect your house, your assets, your children, and ask the lawyer about going for Abandonment, and change the locks on the doors too.

[Gunny376]

LOL!

 

Vets KNOW Vets! :lmao:

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you?"

 

"What's the name of the guy your scroggin?"

 

"Its not you? Its me!"

 

"What's the name of the guy your scroggin?"

 

"I've got to find myself?"

 

"What's the name of the guy your scroggin?"

Edited March 24, 2008 by Gunny376

[LakesideDream]

Just a wild guess..but Methinks your wife "re-connected" with someone from her past in cali. Check the current phone records and look for something that would give you a clue.

 

It's sad that you have to go through all the drama ahead of you. good Luck.

[ash97470]

wow, i didnt expect anyone to really care, let alone this many people. Everyone thank you for the advice, im going to re read it after this, and think more about what to do. Im lucky in that we dont own a house, we both dont have really any money to our name (couple grand in checking) and no kids. So besides maybe some arguments over some possessions, i think it will be ok if we do get divorice.

 

I had a moment of weakness last night after posting and called her. Well first i tried texting (figured that was a little less desperate) and just said that i would like it if she could call me and let me know she is ok, she left at 5pm, for a 9 hour drive to fresno. Well i didnt get a response, and so i tried calling, nothing. Well her mother and I (her mom and dad are divoriced and in seperate parts of california) are at least i think on good terms, and i know that she hasnt told her mom anything about what has happened, which is really really odd. So i texted her mom, and just said i was sorry, i was just worried about her, and i just needed to know she was ok before i could sleep. Its been really hard for me, i cant just turn my love for her off like a light switch. Well right after the text, my wife called, and she was returning my call / text. Her mom called right then, and she said she would call me back. Well her tone was different when she called me back. I asked her if there was any part of her that could see us being together again, and wanted to save our marriage. She said yes. We agreed to call each other on thursday, giving her a couple days to think clearly. So that gave me some hope.

 

Well today i checked her email folder (i have the password) and she is opening up a bank account. So i kinda of lost it for a second and texted her, telling her if its over, to just tell me. That it is tearing me up inside. I told her that i was thinking of just getting smashed with liqour. Which i know to some might be the thing to do, but ive never drank a drop in my almost 26 years of being alive, so for me to even consider it is a big deal. Also i told her about our dog (well more my dog). I got him 6 months before i met her, so he is mine, but he loves her alot. Every noise last night he thought was her, and he hasnt really eaten, and has had dihrea. Then today i noticed that there was blood in some of his dihrea. So i thought she at least might care about that. Well all i got back was a kind of angry reply that we will talk on thursday, and she feels she has made her feelings known.

 

So im sure i didnt help anything today. Now im getting to the stage to where i think it might be someone else. That is what everyone, both here and in my family thinks. I can check her phone logs and there is a number i didnt see before, that she has only called on her way down there. I did a reverse directory, and its a land line near washington DC. I dont know of anyone at all she knows down there, thats on the complete opposite side of the country, and she has never been there. Im not opposed to the idea of she might of seen an old boyfriend. My moms boyfriend called the number (after blocking the number) and couldnt get any info out of the guy on the other end. I dont know if it is her dad's house number (which i dont know), or what. I think he more fed her some crap when she was there. Him and i have a rocky relationship. He hired me like 7 months after we got married to do some programming work for him that i told him i didnt think i was qualified for. But he and his wife talked about hiring my wife and i, giving us big salaries bonuses, etc. So the whole trip home, we are decidiing if we want to move down there or not, because it sounds like an absolute sure thing. So we come back, i tell my entire family we are moving. Then a week later after apparently what im doing isnt what he liked (even though it was exactly what i described) he says it was never a sure thing, and could take years, and probably wont even work out in the first place. So the next year when we go down, its hard to be like super duper happy and talkative. But apparently she says that is one of the problems, that i act different around her family (her dads side). Well ive seen them like 4 times, and they all talk about things i dont know about, plus im a shy quite person as it is, i dont say much. But apparently that is reason enough to leave me.

 

Im not sure what to say on this call on thursday. I dont know if things will change, and she will want to come back. I have hope, but im sure that she will want to stay. So if she says that, i just want the truth from her, thats all, is there another guy, why cant we be together? how can she just stop loving me so quickly. Things like that. Im trying to prepare myself for the worse, but any suggestions on what i should say or do would be appreciated. You have no idea everyone how much just having this outlet to talk to and interact with people helps. I am so thankful i found this site, and thank you everyone for your postings. All of it has helped alot. Im sorry for this long post, its almost more for me to just get my feelings out, than for anyone else, but i can always use some advice. Thank you everyone.

[jmargel]

First, you can't assume there is someone else, and I would HIGHLY recommend that you do not accuse or ask if there is someone else. By you asking her, you are showing weakness and you are showing her that you don't think there are problems in the relationship, only that there is another man involved. Also, if there is another man she is going to deny everything and just re-justify in her head on what she is doing is right. So stay away from that subject!

 

Second, do not contact her, let her make the next move. She might not even call you Thursday, depending on the frame of mind she is in. We don't know anymore than you do and to the people saying on here that she's cheated is just guessing. Of all the people I have helped that were in your situation, there were cases that the other person was not cheating. Yes, there are alot of threads on here about cheating spouses, but that's not always the case.

 

When you talk to her, use the words 'I understand' it will put down her defenses. It will also allow her to open up more. Don't get into any agruments about the new checking account, or ask her if she is going to stay in this marriage. This is not a question she is ready for. What I would recommend is that you set up a marriage counseling session next week and invite her. Let her know that you want to get through this together, however you will not allow yourself to be dragged through the mud. You have to use a sort of tough love. You need to project confidence and live it. Don't confuse this with arrogance. Don't be clingy or needy, let her come to you, however make it known that you will not allow yourself to be mistreated.

 

In the meantime don't call her, doesn't matter what the situation is. Any reason you give, is an excuse. Don't let on that you know her email password, use that as a tool. Keep checking the phone logs. Were there any other red flags? Does she use any sort of instant messenger, where she may have been chatting with some guy?

[smokiejjj]

Sorry to hear about the situation. My ex-wife and I met when she was 21 and I was 29. We got married and to make a long story short we got divorced when I was 34 and she 26.

 

I used to think it was the age. But that is not an excuse for people. I think about my grandparents. My grandfather, from Canada, met my grandmother during world war II while he was stationed in England. The fell in love and married. She moved to Canada at the age of 20. She knew nobody except for my grandfather, she left her family behind, had no friends. Moved to a whole different country. And in those days there were no passenger planes flying across the ocean - it took at least a month to go across the ocean by boat. They made it and are still married today. She has Alzheimer's and relies on my grandfather and others for total support. Maybe my grandfather right now should just say - he's unhappy, no longer in love and divorce her. But that's not what he's about or how he grew up.

 

I think it is how spoiled people have become in this society.

[ash97470]

I did a whole day without calling, emailing or texting her. A good friend of mine came and kind of talked me down a little bit to where today was bearable. Ive started to make plans and just kind of come to accept that when i do talk to her, she is probably going to say that she wants it to be over. I dont know what else i can do, or say that would change anything. I still dont know about her maybe hooking up with someone else. Im not dismissing it, just unsure about it. I really want to ask her, when she says its over, what caused it, and just find out what caused everything to go so horribly wrong so quickly. My friend says i dont want to do that, that i may find out someday, and that it would just hurt me right now.

 

Another idea i have and i dont know if it would even work, or if im just crazy. But i want to talk to her about, i dont know being friends. I mean not like best friends, or even good friends, we will be hundreds of miles away. I just dont want to never talk to her again, never know what happens in her life. I dont know if thats crazy. this is my first marriage, and of course ive had other gfs and such. But they always ended badly and i dont see or talk to them. Even if we arent married, i will still love her i think for a long time, at least part of me will, and even if that fades, i will still care about her. Even though all of this has been hell, and im really getting screwed over. I dont know if its a crazy idea or what.

 

Im trying not to anticipate thursday. I dont know if i should call her, or let her call me. Today i changed the bank account log ins and passwords, so she cant get to any of the money (this was something we agreed upon before she left). She of course changed her email password once she realized i was looking at it. And she didnt change it to any of the other passwords she uses.

 

Ive kinda started a list of what needs to be done when the big D word is an absolute. I wouldnt be suprised if on thursday night im asking for divorce tips. Again i just want to thank everyone here, this forum gave me back some of my sanity after this all happened.

 

I dont know if anyone is still reading this anymore, if not thats ok, but ill update soon. Thanks.

[Ladyjane14]

Personally, I wouldn't want to "be friends" with someone who had done me dirt. And I think until you find out for sure what the situation was, you'd do well not to commit yourself. You don't want to end up as some kind of "safety net"... because that's not love, that's use.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but if this doesn't work out, and you eventually move on with your life... you're not going to want your ex up your butt, bringing her childish problems into your next relationship and into your life.

[jmargel]

If she decides she wants a divorce, then you must use the tough love approach. I highly recommend getting the book 'love must be tough'. With this, I don't say to be mean to her or be arrogant. However, you can't hold onto her, you can't try to be her friend, you can't try to win her back. What you need to do is show/live in confidence and open that cage door as wide as possible for her. Be distant and let her know that you are moving on with your life.

 

What this will do is pull that safety net that she has over you, it will make her face the consequences for what she is doing and more importantly make her really think about all of this. Treat her like a scared cat, if you pursue her then she will run further. Run the other way and good chance she will follow.

 

There is a reason to all of this, you haven't found why she is doing this and good chance she is not going to tell you. However using the tough love approach will stop you from being pulled through the mud and be given false hope. Women love confidence in a man, its one of the qualities they seek in us and if anything will make her snap out of this, it would be this.

 

Trust me, it works.. It's worked for me and for the others that have followed this advice. There is no guarantee that you will get her back, but what it will allow you to do is find resolution.

[Ssheena]

Ash,

 

You have found yourself in a very supportive place. Someone is always here for you to reply to your postings and there are a lot of people here who have gone through the hell you are starting to go through and come out the other side.

 

It's not pretty where you are now but with the help of LS, you will get through anything.

 

As far as the dog, my bets are on he/she is picking up on your emotional state. They are very sensitive to our feelings. Give the dog lots of loving and accept what it has to give you. Nothing like a warm puppy (old Charlie Brown quote - Happiness is a warm puppy)

[jmargel]

When my ex left my german shepherd would sit for days near the window, just looking outside waiting for her. It just completely broke my heart. She would scratch her ears til they bleed, and bite herself. I took her to the vet 3 times, they thought it was an allergic reaction or mange. I told them, that it wasn't that. After the third time they came to the conclusion I did and she had anxiety.

 

They gave her a shot that should have mellowed her out for 3 weeks, it only lasted two days. At that point I realized not only was my shepherd missing her, but she was also feeding off of my sadness.

 

For weeks I then put my energy into her (my dog) and would excerise with her all the time. It really helped, it made her realize that I was staying even if my ex left her.

 

I wish people would take lessons from these animals. You can't get more of a unconditional type of love.

[ash97470]

Well, woke up this morning. No phone call. Checked my email and sure enough an email from kim, telling me she wants a divorce, and then listing off all the things i need to do. Im in shock right now. Not so much from the fact that im getting a divorce. Ive kind of been building myself up for that the last few days. But my love for her, the time we had together, my feelings. They mean so little to her that she can break up with me, over the internet. She talks about not wanting to come back and "fix things" because she knows in her heart that she would want to go right back. Fix what? What was wrong with here. Nothing changed here. She loved me one day here, and then the nex t didnt. This has gotta go down as one of the most ****ed up ways to deliver the news that she wants a divorce. Im starting to think this was planned for a very very long time.

[john30]

Happy marriage to divorce overnight! Man, I know how that feels! Telling you she wants a divorce through an email is a s***y way of doing things.

 

What gets me is, why can't people just have the B***s to sit down with the one person that has loved and respected them for years and tell them what the problem is, doesn't matter if it's not what we want to hear, just the TRUTH will do fine!

 

Sorry about your situation,

 

John.

[jmargel]

Sorry that she did this to you. Re-read my post on here and follow it. Do not give her a safety net to fall on. When you talk to her, let her know that you deserve a truthful answer on why she decided to take this route.

 

Her doing this by email really shows her immaturity. It shows that she is still hiding something, and that she refuses to accept the consequences for her behavior.

 

Give it time.. Things will get clearer on what is really going on and why..

 

Don't give her the luxury of replying to the email. Be distant from her, don't answer her calls for a few days. Let her wonder what is going on..

[Gunny376]

Sorry you're going through this ~ but you kinda-sorta knew it was coming? And you had a couple of days to brace yourself for it

 

jmarge's dead on! Don't reply to the email, don't call, don't a.nswer her phone

[THEBIGARC]

A lot of us are going through the same thing. My W and I just built a 3000 sg ft house and were moving into it when she dropped the bomb on me. There was a OM in her life. Your story sounds a lot a like. There sounds like there is OM with your W. Just try to be strong and don't give in to her. We have a 4 y/o son and I have to have contact with her everyday. I just try to keep it short and only about him and the sale of our new house, and now the divorce process. Any info you get about what she is doing will only hurt you. I tell me STBXW that I don't want to know about anything about what is going on in her life. She tries to act all nice to me. She wants to be friends! P.ss on her. We can be friends when I am over her and ready for that. I hope you take care of yourself right now. She doesn't care about you. You need to care about you!

Good Luck and hang in there! I am over a month into this and I still have highs and lows. I am going on my 1st date tonight. Life is too short to waste it on another person that does not love you like you should be loved!