An Unorthadox Discussion

[EmotionallyYours]

Logistically it just works out better with a MMF threesome. PLUS, women are so much better at multi-tasking!

 

This is just out of curiosity...OP, have you had any threesome experiences in your past, or is this something you've always wanted to do?

 

I ask because I have, at least MFF threesomes. Every single one was pretty disappointing. Reality is so much more complicated than fantasy.

 

And to be honest, my SO and I have joked about getting him another girlfriend. I also used to joke about this with my exH, but the difference is that I have had relationships with women in the past. But having been with a woman, I also know the reality of dealing with a woman is much more....unsavory....than the fantasy. So I joke about it, occassionally, but we both know (SO and I) that it would never happen.

 

Pluswhich I regularly exhaust him with my sexual demands, so we've pretty much established that he would not be able to keep me and another woman happy unless she was frigid.

[JerseyShortie]

When exactly, did I say anything about dropping my kids off with a flourist? Reading comprehension and Composition are your friends. Please refrain from further comment as you could not possibly have anything constructive to add to this conversation. I would greatly appreciate it.

 

Yes, reading comprehension and composition are YOUR friends. I said nothing about your children being dropped off at the florist.

 

And I'm sorry you dislike my comments but if you post something on a public message board, be prepared for responses that you might not agree with.

 

 

Please refrain from further comment as you could not possibly have anything constructive to add to this conversation. I would greatly appreciate it.

 

This isn't Iran my friend. And I'm not wearing a burukka. I'll respond were I would like to respond.

[norajane]

Help around the house, and with the children, especially while I am out to sea, are good points that she has thought about.

 

These 'good points' do not benefit the other woman in any way. This is the sort of thing people pay nannies and housekeepers for. I doubt you will easily find a woman who is willing to care for someone else's 3 children, and help around the house for free. Especially when you are away since OW wouldn't be benefiting from your company, if your company is the OW's benefit. There is nothing the OW gains from that.

 

This other woman might also have her own children already. Would your wife be ok with bringing more children into the house? How would you explain that to your children?

 

And whether she does or does not have children, what happens if OW gets pregnant? Birth control is not a guarantee. Are you able to financially take care of an additional family?

 

What seems to be her only fear about this is she thinks i may like the other girl more and leave her.

This alone should stop you in your tracks. This fear of your wife's will only grow and grow the more you start to care for the other woman, and the closer she becomes to you.

 

Also, imagine how your wife will feel if she sees that her children are growing attached to the other woman in the house caring for them. Do you believe your wife could handle seeing them turning to another woman for love and attention? Especially when you are also turning to another woman for love and attention?

 

How do you think your wife would be able to handle seeing you flirting and being affectionate with this other woman right in front of her? Kissing her good morning or good bye? Hugging her? What about the children - how will you explain that to them?

 

she is also afraid she would not like the GF, as she rarley can get along with women. This would make it even harder to find someone.

Once again, this is another disaster waiting to happen. If your wife can't get along with women who are her friends now, how will she handle a woman in her house with whom you are dividing your attention and affections? When you are away, there will be no one there to prevent any arguments from getting out of control. What if other woman does something that upsets your wife while you are gone, or even when you are there? Whose 'side' will you take in a disagreement?

 

She gets very deppressed when i am out to sea, and sometimes at home, due to the unending problems with our children, making messes, crying, fighting, and ect. All three of my children are very young, the oldest is only 5. My children are not worse than normal toddlers, my wife has some emotional problems that do not help with the situation.

These issues are better resolved with, as you said, psychiatric care and medication, and hiring a nanny/housekeeper to help her with the children.

 

So to sum this up, to me, the GF would be another love in my life(not a housekeeper,or a "piece of meat" as I'm sure some of you would think)I feel that i could handle this emotionally.

You say love, but you've spoken primarily of child care, housekeeping, and sex. I'm not seeing the love part. And how do you propose to find this person to 'love'? Love isn't easy to find under the best of circumstances, and this situation hardly qualifies as the best. Generally, people meet, date, get to know each other and fall in love. Real love, not 'in love' or infatuation or lust, also take a long time to develop.

 

When and how are you going to do that? While, at the same time, having this requirement that she accept your wife, your children, and the housekeeping/childcare duties while you aren't even there?

 

Also, would you do background checks on this woman to make sure she is safe to care for your children and wouldn't rob you blind? Because that's what nanny/housekeeping services do for you. They don't send some woman they met in a bar over to have responsibility for your children and house.

 

 

I'm thinking this could either be really good, or really bad, and honestly i think that depends on the type of person i find. The wrong one would lead to alot of problems to say least.

I'm thinking it would be really bad no matter who you found. If this woman is really wonderful, I could see your wife's depression and emotional issues spiraling out of control when she sees you falling for the other woman and she sees her children bonding with the other woman. If this woman is, let's say less wonderful, the day-to-day problems in the home will escalate into catastrophic levels.

Of course, from my wifes point of view, the woman could either be a great help around the house and with the children, and with me for when she gets a "headache"(though I realize, and so does my wife, no woman is going to hang around waiting for my wife to get a headache),

Again, I'm only seeing housekeeping, childcare and sex, here. I'm not seeing what the OW would get out of this arrangement, and why she'd go for it, unless she's desperate for a house to live in.

 

or the GF could be a homewrecker(though I would never let this happen.)

You are mistaken if you think you have control over this. Bring another woman into your home, and you have let the genie out of the bottle. It's damned hard repairing a marriage once it is broken.

 

I'm mainly looking for answers from the ladies on the forums on this question....do you feel that it is possible to pull this off? and how would i handle dropping a bomb like this on a prospective girlfriend?

No, I do not feel it is possible to pull this off, for all the reasons I mentioned above.

 

You must drop the bomb as honestly as possible, as quickly as possible. Do not lie to her or deceive her about anything. And, as I said, make sure you do MAJOR background checking, because someone who would agree to this without being paid probably has some nefarious reasons of her own for doing so.

Edited March 24, 2008 by norajane

[luvstarved]

She has told me many times that the problems she has, have very little to nothing to do with me or the children. When I say emotional problems, I mean problems that she has had for a very long time, well before me, and that she has sought help for. These normal life things stress her out alot more than she should, though she has been much better since she started medication(to my relief, and chagrin, for I feel all psychiatrists to be quacks). This has all been confirmed by her family. These problems kind of run in the women on her moms side. You raise some good points regardless, and I'm sorry if I misconstrued your statements. Perhaps you are right, and I should put the kibosh on this idea, if only for the fact that that finding the right woman that would make things better, rather than worse, would be next to impossible. Not only that, would probalby have 100 times the failure rate of a normal relationship. though this is nowhere near new ground. Men have had more than one wife far back in history.

 

I am genuinely trying to give you useful feedback...but the more I read the more convinced I am that this is a bad idea.

 

It is not about judgments or morals or being society's sheep. I had an open marriage in my past and that was a DISASTER but I didn't go into that because it seems pretty different...

 

But - you say your wife has emotional problems outside of all else, chemical imbalance and whatnot - but don't those AFFECT her life and those around hers? She can't handle "normal" stresses, and you seriously think that sharing her husband and children and tussling over repsonsibilities with another "wife" are even within the normal that she already is challenged by?

 

Also - I am not being hostile at all - but you leaped to the conclusion that I was being...and say that ALL psychiatrists are quacks, and got angry when a poster said something you did not like...so it also seems that there is some...judgmental nature in you that could play ill in such a scenario. As in, YOU'D get to decide which wife was "right" in a conflict? Oh man, the complications throw me into a tizzy. What happens when they disagree on how to discipline the children or what they are allowed to do? What happens when they start blaming each other for stuff and you don't know who did what? Or you actually realize that you agree with wife 2 but issue really does belong in wife 1's domain? EEEEYYYAAAGGGGHHH!!!

 

If you want to just explore the thought, do the old standby pro/con list. Do one thinking of yourself, and another thinking of your wife. I think if you are really honest, neither one of you will have pros that outweigh the cons...

 

And again, having multiple wives has occurred in history, but I really should not have to spell out the obvious points about how different that was from what you are talking about now...but I will if you insist!!

[Lookingforward]

I think most wives at some point wish they had a "wife" - please note a 'wife' for her, NOT for you LOL

[Touche]

Many great points made, so I don't have much to add except to say that this is probably one of the dumbest ideas I've heard of in a very long time.

 

No offense but you sound like a cad and your wife sounds like a doormat. I feel sorry for her.

 

Oh and....get a maid!

[EmotionallyYours]

Many great points made, so I don't have much to add except to say that this is probably one of the dumbest ideas I've heard of in a very long time.

 

No offense but you sound like a cad and your wife sounds like a doormat. I feel sorry for her.

 

Oh and....get a maid!

 

I agree.... get a maid. Thanks Touche! The sensible solution.

 

PS - One concession for metalfan... a HOT maid...lol

 

PPS - How do you get past the hang up of cleaning BEFORE the cleaning person gets to your house? I never could get past that... so I stopped having the cleaning service come. By the time I tidied up, it was almost done anyway.

[Touche]

I agree.... get a maid. Thanks Touche! The sensible solution.

 

PS - One concession for metalfan... a HOT maid...lol

 

PPS - How do you get past the hang up of cleaning BEFORE the cleaning person gets to your house? I never could get past that... so I stopped having the cleaning service come. By the time I tidied up, it was almost done anyway.

 

You're hilarious! Oh and I could never have a maid over to clean my mess. My mother always cleans before the maid comes though. I never got that concept. It would have to be all or nothing for me..and it's nothing.

 

As for metal getting a hawt maid, even THAT might pose a problem unless he's not around when she cleans the house.

 

Basically, he sounds like another garden variety bored husband looking for a way to cheat. Only he thinks his way is novel (well it IS!) and I guess he thinks it's ok if his wife is ok with it. I have my doubts about her being ok with it though.

[norajane]

I agree.... get a maid. Thanks Touche! The sensible solution.

 

Considering how many people here immediately suggested hiring a nanny/housekeeper, I really wonder why the OP and his wife haven't tried it or even thought about it.

 

Hire some help to ease your wife's stress, work with the therapist to make sure she's getting the right medications for her depression, give her some tender, loving, romantic care when you're home, and see if that helps to make things better.

 

WHY NOT try that approach and see if it works? Why immediately jump to finding another so-called wife??

 

Ah, the sex part. That's the trump card, isn't it? It seems that this second wife is really more for the OP, than for his wife. Otherwise, a maid/nanny would do just fine - just like it does for all the conventional/orthodox married couples out there.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm still not seeing what benefit, if any that he thinks the OW will get out of it. She will be expected to share a home (and a bed), and responsibilities around the house with her boyfriend's chemically imbalanced and depressed wife and her children and to do this for stretches of time when he isn't there. What does OW possibly get out of this besides sex during marital dry spells?

[Mr. Lucky]

What does OW possibly get out of this besides sex during marital dry spells?

This and countless other angles indicate that the OP really hasn't thought this all the way through. I think his brain froze when it happened on the thought of two women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mental_traveller]

I'm still not seeing what benefit, if any that he thinks the OW will get out of it. She will be expected to share a home (and a bed), and responsibilities around the house with her boyfriend's chemically imbalanced and depressed wife and her children and to do this for stretches of time when he isn't there. What does OW possibly get out of this besides sex during marital dry spells?

 

Why, she will have the honour of being his 2nd woman, she'll be graced with his presence, she'll experience the divine bliss of getting shagged by him whenever he feels horny and his wife is not in the mood, she'll get to cook and clean his wonderful house. What's not to like? Surely any sane woman would jump at the chance!

[SnapCracklePop]

I don't mean to sound like I am poking fun at this topic - but really, why would you want two wives. I have one and often think that is too many. You are WAY better off finding someone who is truly compatible in all aspects, and if extra help is needed to get things done, then hire it. $20 bucks an hour for someone to do a certain chore... $100 per week for a maid to clean house... costs WAY less than lawyers and dividing/rebuilding - so I am told.

 

I may sound a little bitter... I guess the weekend gives a person a lot of time to think. I really doubt I'd get married again if this one does in fact go south.