Guilt and forgiving yourself... especially for former OWs/OMs

[Gwyneth]

If you feel guilt about a pregnancy, then it is normal. You can't help feelings -- anything you personally feel is normal for you. (That is different than "acting" on feelings, which may not be normal. But in this case you are already pregnant so the action part doesn't really apply.)

 

It sounds like you have a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm sure that's normal both for someone who is pregnant and for someone who has had an affair (I certainly have conflicting emotions and I'm not pregnant ). Have you considered seeing a therapist so that you can talk this all out to someone besides MM... who is partly responsible for all these negative emotions in the first place? I'm just asking you because I've found it really helpful personally.

 

I've considered it. I take yoga and that calms me down. Soon I'll go into prenatal yoga. Talking to him does help--so far. I think sometimes I am guilty about being pregnant with MM's baby, but not about being pregnant. I am happy I am pregnant--just wish it was a little different. He is not feeling bad--so he claims. We are getting along A-okay right now. For that I am grateful.

[nadiaj2727]

When I asked my therapist about telling the husband, and pressed the issue to a rdiculous point - the therapist called it triangulation.

 

There was a relationship between my xMW and her H

There was a relationship between my xMW and me.

But there is NO realtionship between her H and me. (a triangle)

 

If I told the H and started a catastrophic problem beyond what already is bad enough ...

It would be nothing more than MORE CONTACT with my xMW.

Even BAD contact is still contact.

 

Imajine, with one phone call to the husband, I could reach across the universe and create havoc for the bitch that hurt me so badly. I want to call! I WANT to!

 

And afterall, it would only be doing the KIND thing the golden rule.

 

Well, both you and xMW made it a triangle to begin with. Her husband was an innocent third party who didn't want it to be a triangle -- he wanted it to remain a circle, or whatever. And I'm pretty sure that telling her husband would make sure it's NOT a triangle anymore. And I don't see how you telling him equals you still having contact with her. Again, I think it would pretty much ensure that there is no more contact. I know that if I told xMM's wife, he would hate me and never want to talk to me again (unless it was to yell at me, in which case I would just ignore him even more than I already do LOL).

 

But I see what you mean that if your motivation is to create havoc for her life because she hurt you, that's not the best time to tell her husband. Perhaps it's never the best time. Does your therapist think it's best that her husband remain in the dark? I guess he is not focused on that because he's there to treat YOU and he doesn't think it would be good for you personally to tell.

[findmyway]

I agree with your first paragraph. I am very well aware of my actions and their consequences, and that, I guess, is why I feel so much guilt.

 

I don't agree with your second paragraph. There are a few OW here whose posts ooze selfishness. Most OW remind me of how I was when I was an OW: yes, I was selfish and I was a wreck... but I did think about other people and I did feel bad for his wife. For a time I justified my actions and listened to/ believed HIS justfications (they had already decided to get divorced, she verbally and emotionally abused him, she will be happier without him, etc.). I think a lot of the OW on here are not bad people, they are just stuck in the phase where they are letting MM do all their thinking for them and they are so caught up in the fantasy of being with MM that they feel their "love" justifies their actions.

 

One day I woke up. It was a slow process but I began to look at the facts instead of listen to his excuses and justficiations. He may have separated but he wasn't getting divorced anytime soon. He wanted to put all the blame on her and not take any of his own. I began to see how he lied and manipulated me, and blew anything I said out of proportion and thought "no wonder he says SHE verbally abuses him, if my saying what's on my mind made him react like I almost killed him, because he didn't like it." I began to think about things from her point of view and realize that I had to have more respect for other women and for myself.

 

I think a lot of OW here are at that stage or they will get there. They need to think for themselves and be strong enough to not depend on MM for their every thought and action. Honestly I think a lot of them are just hurting and suffering, and I was once there so I can't call them selfish and mindless. They are just in a bad situation and they have to realize that they put themselves there and they can get themselves out of it. They have to be self-reliant enough to not get or remain involved with a married man. I believe it will come for most of them, it just takes time. And calling them selfish mindless wrecks is not going to help. I'm not sure of your story or maybe I would understand why you see them this way. Yes, I do see a few who are so messed up emotionally that they purposefully try to mess up other peoples' lives. But mainly I see OW who are hurting and I care about them because I was once there, and I am not competely healed from it either.

 

 

Well put Nadia, I think what you say here is very true. I can see the remorse in your own posts, but can tell you probably went thru alot of hurt and suffering to get to the point you are now. I think I am following a similiar path of emotions you took, though i am a few steps behind as my pain is still pretty fresh.

 

Speaking for myself, in the past, in all aspects of my life I have always cared about other people's feelings. Certainly one reason I was amazed to find myself in the situation I was in. In the beginning, I guess I was fed so much about the marriage being over etc etc etc (and yes at that pt i am sure some naiveness) I let myself spend just enough time with xmm to the point that I hit the point of no return- that is a scary, scary point that you dont know exists until you get there. I know I do need to accept the blame for being in the situation in the first place. But the truth is, alot of decent woman, for one reason or another fall for the wrong guy. They don't go looking for a married man- not at all- but for one reason or another they do end up in that relationship and have hit the point of no return. Often, at this point, they feel the guilt, they feel the pain that could come about, but the emotions and love are so overwhelming they dont know how to get off the rollercoaster ride and reclaim themselves. I think alot of women on this site are either at this point or the point just thereafter where for one reason or another the relationship is ending and they are trying to come to terms with it.

 

These women on the boards need support. Many of them are ridden with guilt (and no-not all, and for those they are not i would like to know how) but a large number are. They come to this board trying to work through several emotions. Heartbreak, guilt, worthlessness, regret, confusion, anger and on and on and on. Many of them are at a very fragile point (i know I still am although I do feel myself getting stronger as the weeks progress). Many of them are trying to find their way out of the fog and endless cycle of hurt, pain, guilt and just a flat out bad relationship. But it takes time. In my IC appt last week we were discussing the relationship and I was identifying myself as I remember me prior to the relationship.... my counselor made the comment "you walked into a losing situation" and I just looked at her and said "how in the world did that girl I knew 4 years ago, the "good" girl her whole life walk into that situation?? I still have no answer for that, i simply dont know what did it for me at the time. Low self esteem, perhaps... lack of love, perhaps... but today do I see those as reasonable excuses??? Hell no... However, oftentimes unfortunately mistakes need to be made for us to realize them.

 

As I reflect on who I am today- i see myself as a much different person than i was 4 yrs ago prior to all this. One thing that hasnt changed though is the way I feel about hurting people. That is why at this very moment and likely for the rest of my life my soul is broken by what I have done. I can absolutely say I will NEVER be involved with a married man again, EVER. Prior to this I never knew love could be so powerful and strong and I certainly never knew the pain it could cause. I didnt know how dangerous it could be. I will strive never to let something or someone gain that much control over my life again. Its a huge lesson learned, of course too late for all that has happened with this xMM, but the wrong actions I took will certainly impact every choice I make the rest of my life.

 

This post is getting long... but I guess what I am trying to say is not all OW are selfish, not at all. But alot of them here on this board are grieving or hurting or just stuck at that point of no return and cannot find their way out. The have hearts though, they have souls... they just need help.

Edited March 25, 2008 by findmyway

[nadiaj2727]

Well put Nadia, I think what you say here is very true. I can see the remorse in your own posts, but can tell you probably went thru alot of hurt and suffering to get to the point you are now. I think I am following a similiar path of emotions you took, though i am a few steps behind as my pain is still pretty fresh.

 

Right, we both experienced pain and we both recognized that that pain came from our own decisions. We both feel guilty about that now. Therefore I don't think we're very different, just because I ended my affair and you didn't end yours. We both learned from it and know we will never get involved with a married man again. And I think there are a lot of women on this board feeling the same way.

 

It is easy to judge, but I judge myself harsher than other people sometimes. Honestly I would rather feel this guilt than go about hurting others with no remorse. The guilt shows that I'm a good person who made a bad decision and stopped, instead of a bad person who continually makes bad decisions. So whenever I feel really guilty I tell myself, "It's over, you've learned from it, and you are doing the right thing from now on." I have no reason to be smug because I've made bad decisions. At the same time, I do have a reason to be proud for finding strength and integrity and not continuing to justify my hurtful behavior. And so do you.

[Cagney]

Does your therapist think it's best that her husband remain in the dark? I guess he is not focused on that because he's there to treat YOU and he doesn't think it would be good for you personally to tell.

 

The therapist agreed that the husband should know the truth, but not from me. And yes, the therapist is concerned with me not the husband.

 

So it's a dilema, even one that I participated in. But the therapist was convinced that my own problems would increase afterward and I would not feel better, but worse, for having caused the additional pain.

 

I don't see this as protecting some innocent child as in saving a baby from a fire. REGARDLESS of ones motive, saving a baby from a fire is a noble thing to do. But that analogy doesn't really fit.

 

I'll tell you what I did do though.

In my case, the husband suspected me all along.

Now I don't know if he knows about the new guy or not.

He's finaly divorcing his wife ... for excatly what ? I don't know, he may even suspect that I'm still the guy.

 

But I had a friend ask him id he would want the truth if he could learn it?

His answer was "I don't really know".

 

I hoped for a different answer ... but I was hoping for a green light to get it over with.

 

I haven't done told, and now I think I never will.

 

The one big thing that keeps me from it is this:

The husband has suspected all along that she's cheating.

The marriage has been on the rocks for 7 years.

He has held on to her, in desparation, hoping she'd one day turn her love back to him. I really would be afraid that the honest truth mught even destroy him now. And I'm one of the two people who f*cked him over. I'm afraid that what I know (that he doesn't know - for sure) might really devastate him.

 

If there is any of THAT in your situation ... well, you'll make up your own mind ... I'm sure.

[Lookingforward]

Well yes ... but humers help too.

 

think you left out an m = )

[nadiaj2727]

The therapist agreed that the husband should know the truth, but not from me. And yes, the therapist is concerned with me not the husband.

 

So it's a dilema, even one that I participated in. But the therapist was convinced that my own problems would increase afterward and I would not feel better, but worse, for having caused the additional pain.

 

I don't see this as protecting some innocent child as in saving a baby from a fire. REGARDLESS of ones motive, saving a baby from a fire is a noble thing to do. But that analogy doesn't really fit.

 

I'll tell you what I did do though.

In my case, the husband suspected me all along.

Now I don't know if he knows about the new guy or not.

He's finaly divorcing his wife ... for excatly what ? I don't know, he may even suspect that I'm still the guy.

 

But I had a friend ask him id he would want the truth if he could learn it?

His answer was "I don't really know".

 

I hoped for a different answer ... but I was hoping for a green light to get it over with.

 

I haven't done told, and now I think I never will.

 

The one big thing that keeps me from it is this:

The husband has suspected all along that she's cheating.

The marriage has been on the rocks for 7 years.

He has held on to her, in desparation, hoping she'd one day turn her love back to him. I really would be afraid that the honest truth mught even destroy him now. And I'm one of the two people who f*cked him over. I'm afraid that what I know (that he doesn't know - for sure) might really devastate him.

 

If there is any of THAT in your situation ... well, you'll make up your own mind ... I'm sure.

 

I don't know much about their situation. I only know it from his point of view and I give 0% creedence to that. All I know from the FACTS is that they have been married for 17 years. He says it's been a bad marriage and that they live totally separate lives, but I guess they all say that. I had no idea he was married for quite some time (I did know he was married by the time our EA turned into a PA), because he never talked about a wife or had pictures etc., he didn't wear a wedding ring, and no one else at work talked about him like he was married. No one at all acts like they're married and they don't seem to do things together as husband and wife; he has interests he does on his own and started to do with me after our affair started, and she has interests that she does on her own. This tends to give credit to what he said, that they have not had any kind of a marriage for a long time. But from the time I met her, she wears her rings and talks about him so obviously she sees it differently. I guess perhaps HE feels distant and HE has viewed the marriage as over and wanted out, but I can't say anything about her views or what she wanted except it became obvious to me that she wanted to stay married to him. At that point I wanted out because it was never my intention to "steal" someone else's husband. I had honestly yet stupidly believed that they were in the process of getting a divorce that they both wanted.

 

I also know they separated. He moved out of their house a couple months into our affair. A bit after he did that, he showed me a book she had given them about working on their issues and told me that she had "changed her mind" about wanting a divorce and was now urging counseling. That's when I started to feel guilty. Again, I felt okay when I thought she wanted a divorce and had even suggested it, which is what he told me. Looking back, she probably had no idea they were supposedly getting divorced. When he moved out it was probably pretty out of the blue and she probably wondered what was going on. (Not only do I feel guilty but I also feel really stupid for taking his word on everything when later I found out he's a huge liar. I have never met someone so deceptive and I was way too trusting and naive.) I'm sure knowing about me would clear up a lot of her suspicions and make her feel less crazy. But again I doubt I'm the person who should tell her so that it all makes more sense.

 

I do wish I knew whether she would *want* to know. In a way you're lucky you had a friend to ask him because sometimes I just wish I could give her a hint and let her come ask me if she feels she wants to know the whole truth. I can't imagine not wanting to know what it was that prompted my husband to move out and start talking about divorce (if he in fact ever did talk about divorce), and then move back in. But I am not her. I realize this.

[Lookingforward]

I forgive myself for being naive enough to think separated meant the same thing to him as it did to me (I separated as a first step towards divorce - go figure)

 

Apart from that, no, no guilt at all

[nadiaj2727]

I forgive myself for being naive enough to think separated meant the same thing to him as it did to me (I separated as a first step towards divorce - go figure)

 

Apart from that, no, no guilt at all

 

Do you feel guilt about his wife? Or, no, since you were under the impression that he was separated with the intent to divorce and she was already aware of that?

 

(I'm sorry, but I forget your story: did he separate before or after he met you?)

[Lookingforward]

Do you feel guilt about his wife? Or, no, since you were under the impression that he was separated with the intent to divorce and she was already aware of that?

 

(I'm sorry, but I forget your story: did he separate before or after he met you?)

 

He was separating (moving out the same week) when we met but was separated before we got together and it was totally out in the open. Why would I feel guilt towards his wife ?

[nadiaj2727]

He was separating (moving out the same week) when we met but was separated before we got together and it was totally out in the open. Why would I feel guilt towards his wife ?

 

That situation was quite different then. I feel guilt towards his wife because I know I had a lot to do with him moving out. We were not out in the open, we were hidden because he was still married despite how he said he was getting divorced and despite the fact that they were separated. He never told her about that he was seeing someone else so obviously they weren't really that separated or that headed towards divorce. I feel like I took part in deceiving her and I helped him to cheat on her. That makes me feel icky.

[imstunned]

I havent read all the replies - but just wanted to add that I dont feel a shred of guilt - but I know my situation is a litte different in that I didnt know he was married!

[frannie]

I feel guilt towards his wife because I know I had a lot to do with him moving out. We were not out in the open, we were hidden because he was still married despite how he said he was getting divorced and despite the fact that they were separated. He never told her about that he was seeing someone else so obviously they weren't really that separated or that headed towards divorce. I feel like I took part in deceiving her and I helped him to cheat on her. That makes me feel icky.

 

Nadia, do you think there's an extent to which you're OVER-exaggerating your effect on this man? Did you tie him up and make him do any of these things? Or did he move out, and is he now divorcing (? I think that's what you said) because you insisted? Personally, I think you're taking far too much responsibility for HIS actions, which is leading to all this guilt.

 

Ask yourself what use is this guilt, to you or anyone? Will it change anything? Is it really all that is separating you from doing the same thing again? No. You are not a person to indulge in an affair because it's fun and 'she deserves it' or any of those reasons. You're beating yourself up unmercifully in a way you wouldn't do to another OW...

 

... so why are you doing that? Don't you deserve as much forgiveness of yourself as you extend to others?

[nadiaj2727]

Nadia, do you think there's an extent to which you're OVER-exaggerating your effect on this man? Did you tie him up and make him do any of these things? Or did he move out, and is he now divorcing (? I think that's what you said) because you insisted? Personally, I think you're taking far too much responsibility for HIS actions, which is leading to all this guilt.

 

Ask yourself what use is this guilt, to you or anyone? Will it change anything? Is it really all that is separating you from doing the same thing again? No. You are not a person to indulge in an affair because it's fun and 'she deserves it' or any of those reasons. You're beating yourself up unmercifully in a way you wouldn't do to another OW...

 

... so why are you doing that? Don't you deserve as much forgiveness of yourself as you extend to others?

 

Thanks for the thoughtful points, Frannie. You are right, I didn't insist that he move out. From the beginning he told me he was separated and getting divorced. At first, when he got upset that I would do things on my own/ with friends instead of with him, I did say "well, that's because you still live with your wife even though you claim to be 'separated', that is not my fault." After that, he moved out, and I guess it had something to do with me but I certainly didn't make him... I just wouldn't have stuck around much longer if I realized he had no plans to be physically separated.

 

And once he was physically separated but I realized that he was taking no action to get divorced and his wife didn't want to get divorced, I broke it off because that situation was never my intention. So yes, when I look at it that way, he was the one who lied to me (and his wife, no doubt) all along about their divorce being mutual and coming soon. Maybe he really thought that but it didn't turn out that way and when it didn't, I left. I acted (very naively) on facts I thought I knew to be true, and when I found out that the facts were diffrent, I acted a different way, even though my heart was still caught up in it at the time.

 

When I look at it that way I do feel better. I never meant to wreck a home. Looking back, there were things I should have done differently, signs I should have seen if I was paying closer attention to anything but my heart going bump-bump-bump for him and that incredible attraction I had for him , but when the big idea hit me that he was not going to get divorced unless perhaps I insisted or forced the issue, I got myself out of the picture. I did not want to be strung along and I did not want to be a party in his getting divorced from her.

 

And now who knows what they are doing. He moved back in with her and that makes me think, good, I'm glad I got out of the way because he obviously did not want to stay separated or get divorced. He tells me they're getting divorced and he still wants to be with me and now he's doing it the "right" way by making sure it doesn't work with her... but he's told me he's getting divorced since day 1 and all of these new developments make no sense to me, I think he is just totally BS'ing. Plus I don't even want him to talk to me, so I try my best NOT to talk to him and NOT to know what's going on with his marriage. I do not want to be with him even if he gets divorced because I've realized what a liar and manipulator and weak person he is. And yes there is always that stupid attraction but I think I do well at hiding it and not giving him the impression that I am waiting in the wings, because I am not. So I'm not doing anything against their marriage at this point and I never meant to. You're right, HE's the one who presented it to me in a different light from the beginning, and now I've learned a lesson not to listen to married men when they complain about their miserable marriages that are supposedly in the midst of divorce. (Barf!)

 

Thanks Frannie, that was a big help.

Edited March 25, 2008 by nadiaj2727

[OldEurope]

Nadia,

 

 

In this kind of situation, I think the ultimate test of knowing whether a person is out of your system once and for all is to ask yourself how you would act/react--honestly--if the MM were to show up, either personally or via a heartfelt message ("heartfelt" to the extent you can ascertain that), saying that he is proceeding with divorce and you are the one that he wants. "Proceeding" as in he can give tangible evidence that it is in the works.

 

Would you: a) Feel indifferent ("Thanks but no Thanks")

b) Be secretly, though cautiously, excited at the prospect of

being with him, and moving tentatively back into the

relationship,

c) Having the strength still to say, "You must be completely

divorced for me to see you" and still keeping the door

closed although you might "fear" you've been too strong.

 

How you answer this kind of scenario now is the gauge, to my mind, of where you really are in your mind with this man. "Most" women--rational, reasoned women--if they are still attracted would hover around Option B. The best choice, of course, even if somewhere in your mind you are still attracted, would be "C". It is why so many women get upset when NC is broken, when they are holding their own end up well, because they can get "trapped" into "B" type scenario, which still entails risk but often shows a "movement" they think they can believe in.

 

I think that if you--outside of the guilt issues and all--truly assess where you might stand in the hypothetical case above, you can then know if the man is truly out of your heart and mind. Or if you'd leave the door--even a crack of a bit--open for him, after all is said and done.

 

xo

OE

[nadiaj2727]

Nadia,

 

In this kind of situation, I think the ultimate test of knowing whether a person is out of your system once and for all is to ask yourself how you would act/react--honestly--if the MM were to show up, either personally or via a heartfelt message ("heartfelt" to the extent you can ascertain that), saying that he is proceeding with divorce and you are the one that he wants. "Proceeding" as in he can give tangible evidence that it is in the works.

 

Would you: a) Feel indifferent ("Thanks but no Thanks")

b) Be secretly, though cautiously, excited at the prospect of

being with him, and moving tentatively back into the

relationship,

c) Having the strength still to say, "You must be completely

divorced for me to see you" and still keeping the door

closed although you might "fear" you've been too strong.

 

How you answer this kind of scenario now is the gauge, to my mind, of where you really are in your mind with this man. "Most" women--rational, reasoned women--if they are still attracted would hover around Option B. The best choice, of course, even if somewhere in your mind you are still attracted, would be "C". It is why so many women get upset when NC is broken, when they are holding their own end up well, because they can get "trapped" into "B" type scenario, which still entails risk but often shows a "movement" they think they can believe in.

 

I think that if you--outside of the guilt issues and all--truly assess where you might stand in the hypothetical case above, you can then know if the man is truly out of your heart and mind. Or if you'd leave the door--even a crack of a bit--open for him, after all is said and done.

 

xo

OE

 

OE,

This ultimate test happens to me all the time. I work with xMM and he is always finding reasons to break NC. He will "need" to talk to me about a supposed work-related issue but then he will sneak in something personal. He continues to tell me he is getting divorced and that he hopes I will date him when I'm single. I used to get upset and tell him I don't want to talk about that. But he would use that as an excuse to send me a follow-up email or text message saying "The last thing I wanted to do is upset you..."

 

So now I just ignore him. In a way, his constant attempts make it easier for me to realize he is kind of pathetic. I mean, he's been saying he's getting a divorce for over a year now. Does he really expect me to believe him?! I think he says that just to see how I react and to try to see if I still have a flame going for him on a back-burner somewhere. I guess I can see why he did this at first because it used to work. I would say "I can't believe you anymore, don't tell me that until you're actually divorced" or "don't say you love me until you're divorced." Well, that just showed him I was still interested in the event he got divorced. Eventually I realized I was missing the whole point -- it was *wrong* of him to try to re-kindle our affair or keep me hanging on while he was still married. It's wrong to do to his wife and it's wrong to do to me. I realized I don't want a man like that so it became a lot easier to convincingly tell him to leave me alone and just flat out ignore him.

 

I guess if he would have actually gotten divorced on his own accord and then came to me and told me he loved me, then yeah, at first I would have still had a flitter of hope and love in my heart and I would want us to try to work it out despite our nasty beginning. But it is way too late for that, he has already strung me along and lied to both me and her for far too long. Now I know he will never come to me with divorce papers, and on the slight chance that he would, I would figure it was because his wife found out or got tired of his ways and kicked him to the curb for good. I wouldn't blame her and I wouldn't want him. I guess that sounds cruel to say about someone I once thought I loved, but I have seen his true colors. I am mad at myself for ever falling for such a snake.

 

So I guess on your test, for awhile I was a c) and now I am an a), or, I feel something worse than indifference... something like anger and close to hatred. I realize that that is just as bad for my emotional energy as loving him so I really want to get it to a). I just want to feel indifference, like, "wow, that was a hell of a mistake, I am so glad I woke up and moved on and now I'm happy without him." I guess what makes that indifference hard are his constant attempts to tell me he still loves me and keep me hanging. It makes me realize he was doing that all along, which makes me really mad. But, no, there is no moving tentatively back into the relationship or being excited at the prospect. I think he had me there right after I broke it off with him, but I caught on to what he was doing, and now b) is definitely not an option for me.

[Starla]

nadia...you come across as very strong. i hope to get where you are one day soon.

[nadiaj2727]

nadia...you come across as very strong. i hope to get where you are one day soon.

 

Thanks Starla. You sound strong yourself. Welcome to our unfortunate little community. (hugs)

[Starla]

Thanks Starla. You sound strong yourself. Welcome to our unfortunate little community. (hugs)

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thank you nadia!! i don't feel quite ready to tell my own story just yet - just bits and pieces - but i like contributing and sharing...i love that people here are able to write so well and so eloquently how *I* am feeling. it's weird how we seem to share so much - emotions and trouble and confusion and advice too!! i wish i had found this community sooner, but i am very happy to be here now, talking to people like you!!

[nadiaj2727]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thank you nadia!! i don't feel quite ready to tell my own story just yet - just bits and pieces - but i like contributing and sharing...i love that people here are able to write so well and so eloquently how *I* am feeling. it's weird how we seem to share so much - emotions and trouble and confusion and advice too!! i wish i had found this community sooner, but i am very happy to be here now, talking to people like you!!

 

I agree, there are many similarities. There are so many threads of sadness and confusion. I find it heartbreaking. But I find hope that some of us can be strong and get out of this mess. If there are people "happy" to be OW, I haven't found many on here, an OW "support" forum. I think it just goes to show that being OW is bad for the soul. My journey has gotten to the point of being free from my past as an OW and learning to be happy with myself despite my past mistakes. I am not strong at that yet but I'm getting there.

[Starla]

being an OW almost killed me...i was sooo mixed up, drinking heavily just to numb the pain, letting myself get treated badly in some weird attempt to morph into the kind of woman i thought he wanted, so much so i almost forgot who i was....it's no way to live!!! i miss him still, the intimacy, the hope i once had...i miss it. but not enough to ever make me want to go back to that kind of half life.

[findmyway]

Starla-

 

I know you say you aren't ready yet, but when you are I would really love to hear your story.

[nadiaj2727]

Starla-

 

I know you say you aren't ready yet, but when you are I would really love to hear your story.

 

Me too!

 

Starla, I'm glad you got out of that bad relationship. I understand what you mean about missing the intimacy and good times, yet being really glad it's over and sure you won't go back.

[Starla]

nadia and findmyway...xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

one day soon, i'll share it, i promise....i want to. i think at the minute i'm blocking thinking about it...it's sooo painful. i want to get to the stage where i can be almost detached - almost, but not quite, if that makes sense?

xxxxxxxxxxx

[nadiaj2727]

nadia and findmyway...xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

one day soon, i'll share it, i promise....i want to. i think at the minute i'm blocking thinking about it...it's sooo painful. i want to get to the stage where i can be almost detached - almost, but not quite, if that makes sense?

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

Yes, it makes sense. Sometimes I have to write out all my thoughts/ emotions in order to sort them out. (Probably why my posts are so long LOL) I think that other people have to sort out all their thoughts and emotions before they can write them down.