Might have a baby for the wrong reason.

[shanny]

OK... this one is a doozy, but I would love to hear some opinions. I haven't posted about my situation in awhile because things are getting somewhat better. This situation is not something I ever talk to my boyfriend about, but it eats me up inside.

 

I'm 28, my boyfriend is 41. We've been together for 10 months, and he is still in the process of divorcing his wife of 20 years. He left her, but I can tell he still has feelings for her. He texts her all the time, talks to her, etc. I asked him straight up if he still had feelings for her and he said "what do you expect? we have kids together". They have three girls, 13, 16, and 19. I know that bringing a new person into the world with someone is special, but why does he still feel such a strong bond with her over this?

 

I absolutly don't want kids. Period. Not for me, but I am starting to want one just so he can have that same "we had a baby together" connection that he has with her. I feel like she will always be the important one is her life and I will always be just a girlfriend.

 

Now my questions...

 

1. People who are divorced with kids... do you still have a special bond with your ex because of the kids? I thought when things go sour, you still love your kids, not your ex. He has even said that this is a special kind of "love" that will never go away.

 

2. Can someone be as special to you without having a child together?

 

3. I love this guy and want to mean as much or more to him than his ex. Should I have a baby with him?

 

4. Will I always be second rate to him because I didn't pop out his baby? We have a dog together and I mother her like a child, but apparently this doesn't count for him.

 

I'm torn up about this. It hurts me every minute of every day. Please share your opinions.

[blind_otter]

 

Now my questions...

 

1. People who are divorced with kids... do you still have a special bond with your ex because of the kids? I thought when things go sour, you still love your kids, not your ex. He has even said that this is a special kind of "love" that will never go away.

 

My SO has a son from a previous marriage and he is not on good terms with his exW. They are at odds on everything, from the amount of child support he pays her to how to raise their son. He grits his teeth when they have to talk on the phone. They have been divorced for almost 5 years now, and they still don't get along.

 

2. Can someone be as special to you without having a child together?

 

Of course!

 

3. I love this guy and want to mean as much or more to him than his ex. Should I have a baby with him?

 

As opposed as you are to having a child? NO WAY.

[JamesM]

Yes. Yes. No. No.

 

Based on your post, don't go ahead with having a baby.

 

Best case scenario, he feels connected with you for now, but if that is all he has, you will end up on the list with his ex-wife. Having feelings as he has for his ex does not guarantee a happy relationship...as is noted by his relationship with his EX.

 

Worst case scenario, he does not feel connected and leaves you. You then have a baby with him that you resent for tying you to him. The baby suffers, you suffer, and he suffers.

 

Actually, there is one slim best case scenario, but the odds for that happening would make the riskiest gambler cry "no Way!" There is the slightest possibility that you would love the baby, the BF would love you more than he ever loved his ex based on the reality that he has a baby with you, and the three (or more) of you will live happily ever after.

 

Love is based on feelings towards one another. It is not based on mutual love for a child.

 

So, hence my answers...yes, yes, no, no.

[blair08]

Maybe wait and have a child with someone who can give you and a child their undivided love and attention. I'm not saying it can't be done with this guy because he has kids with someone else, but he cleary told you he still had feelings for her. People can have kids and share a bond with their kids without having "feelings" for that person. I think he is still invested in her. I would want someone who was invested in me and my child, even though they might have kids with another but not have "feelings" for another.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I went back to read your posts. All I can say is that the last thing you need to do is bring a child into this relationship. It will not make him love you more, if he even really does love you at all. You said yourself that it was a crap relationship and that you can't trust him. I can't for the life of me understand why you think a baby will help anything. Having a kid under these circumstances would be grossly unfair to a child who will have to grow up with the grim aftermath.

 

Having a baby with him will not make his family mean less to him. Having a baby with him will not replace his exW or their children. Having a baby with him will not make him love you or value you more than he does the family he already has. Having a baby with him will not give you the same connection that he has with his exW. Why? Because you are not his exW. That sort of connection can't just be transferred to someone new.

[Saxis]

My SO has a son from a previous marriage and he is not on good terms with his exW. They are at odds on everything, from the amount of child support he pays her to how to raise their son. He grits his teeth when they have to talk on the phone. They have been divorced for almost 5 years now, and they still don't get along.

 

:lmao: I feel his pain.... Even worse now that my X has changed her mind about divorcing. I won't take her back and she told me that she will wait forever for me to change my mind.

 

 

No, not a good reason to have a baby. I would think 20 years is a lot of investment to get over, but I seriously doubt he has any need to contact her on a consistent basis. I could see contacting his kids every day....

[SeraBella]

I definitely don't think you should have a child with him for the reasons listed. Also, if you don't want a child...why would you even consider bringing one in this world just to bring you closer to him? It's such an irrational thought...'I don't want children, but I want to be closer to my boyfriend so I will have a baby and in turn deal with the 18+ years of intense responsibility required to raise him or her.'

 

Plus, having a family with you is not going to make the rest of his family go away. His children are going to be around FOREVER.

 

At age 41 with 3 teenage children, are you even certain he would want a baby now?

 

He's not going to stop talking to his ex-wife; they have to raise their children. He left her and is in the process of a divorce so is it insecurity on your part, or do you really feel that he still wants to be with her?

[JackJack]

I have never really understood why it is, some people want to have a child in hopes of saving something they feel might already be over, or to get that person to hang on and love them etc.

 

However, here is my take on your situation. I feel, you should not try to have a baby with this man. Don't have have a baby in hopes of hanging on to him or to get him to feel for you what he may or may not feel for someone else. It more than likely will not work out the way you hope it would.

[shanny]

I know I shouldn't have a baby for this reason... but here are a couple things to consider... Although I'm not itching for a baby like most women my age, I'm not an uncompassionate person. I'm sure I would fall in love with my child. I mean, having a baby is the highlight of most people's lives... why would I be different?

 

Also... I know me and Sean (that's his real name... I called him John earlier as an alias... he's not gonna read this so who cares) have had our problems. Many people tell me to dump him and I know I should for some of the things he has done. But when I look at him... I see the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I would die happy with him. He's so different... just a unique individual that pulls at every heartstring I have. I've been in love before but not like this. That's why the thing with his ex hurts so bad... I've been around the block and I know what I want and don't want. My problems in relationships past is that I'm in love for the first year and then get bored. I will not get bored with Sean. Usually at ten months the boredom is setting in. With him, I just want more. I'm scared I will never feel this way again.

 

As far as him wanting to have a baby... he said he would for me if I wanted it. The big problem is that he is "fixed". We would need to have some sorta procedure to make it happen. Maybe it's not in our future, but as much as I say I don't want kids, I always imagine what a little Janet and Sean would be like! He is the first person in my life that I would ever consider this with. I was even married once and never considered children with him.

 

Am I just stupid in love, or do I really want a freakin kid?! I don't know... The connection that he has with his wife kills me... I just want him to feel the same way about me.

[whichwayisup]

The connection that he has with his wife kills me... I just want him to feel the same way about me.

 

But that isn't a reason to have a baby.

 

Somehow you need to deal with those feelings of jealously, just on the expense of a baby that you're not really sure you want.

[JackJack]

"The connection that he has with his wife kills me... I just want him to feel the same way about me."

 

 

People who share kids together, but that arer no longer together, can be nice and civil towards one another and have that bond with their kids. However, you have mentioned before these "feelings" he has for his wife.

 

I'm trying to understand exactly what kind of feelings you are talking about. If he is that close to her still, and still has "feelings" for her, wouldn't you want someone who feels that way about you, and you alone? Not a shared "feeling?"

 

I highly doubt if he feels the way you say he does about her, he can give your relationshiop the love, care and attention it needs.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I mean, having a baby is the highlight of most people's lives... why would I be different?

 

Less than a month ago, you defended your 'childless by choice' position. You have said you have been in this relationship for less than a year, that is is crap and that you don't trust him.

 

Now, you want to have a baby and everything is all rosy?

 

Give it a few weeks.

 

You are not wanting a baby for appropriate reasons. He doesn't even want a baby with you. He only agreed to it. That is entirely different than him planning children with his wife, and bringing them into a family because they wanted children - not because they wanted children to manipulate each other's emotions.

 

You want a child for manipulative reasons. When your manipulations don't work like you want them to, you will be stuck for life with a child that neither of you really wanted.

 

No child, and I mean NO CHILD deserves to be brought into existence for such selfish and futile reasons.

 

If you want some highlights in your life, then get out of this dismal relationship and make some highlights for yourself that don't include having babies you don't want in order to emotionally manipulate someone else.

[JackhammerGemma]

I haven't read what people have responded but my answer is no, don't have a baby with him, mainly because you didn't really want one.

 

It's too strange how our situations keep paralleling each other. The baby issue just came up for me too because my bf asked me to get off the pill the other day (however, I think he had been drinking when he said it.) A couple days later I asked if he was serious and he said that he is. A few months ago before I found out he was cheating and texting and a heavy drinker I was soo excited at the thought of having a baby with him and we talked about it. But now as it stands my more logical side tells me, Do you really want to end up a single mother because this guy couldn't stop cheating/drinking/whatever.

 

So, because our situations are similar, maybe you could ask yourself that question too. Babies do change lives but not always for the better or the way the parent thought it would. IMO I don't think having a baby will stop his behaviors that you don't like, any more than it would stop those of my bf.

 

Shanny, as much as it would be cool to be your bud in person I don't want us to be sitting in a park pushing our kids on swings and talking about how dumb we were for thinking this would change things.

[shanny]

Hey Gemma. It is creepy how similar our situations are. The only thing is that deep down I know I don't want a baby. I even did a childless by choice post not too long ago! My God, what am I thinking? That is how much this guy gets to me. And I am freaking out because I'm gonna be out of town for a week next month (in your neck of the woods... Scottsdale!) and I don't trust him at all. I'm thinking some crazy things here like putting a secret keystroke monitoring this on his computer so I know what he is doing. This guy is turning me in a freakshow...

 

So what's new with you? I'm gonna check and see if you've made any posts lately.

[JackhammerGemma]

What's new with me? Wellllll...nothing really. There are things I wouldn't say on this forum about stuff I've been through with this guy mainly because I know what people will say about it but wish I could tell you. (Guess neither of us have PM privileges yet.) I haven't posted anything recently because, as someone on here said, advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't. That is so true for me. I already know what I need to do but I keep on trying to put the square peg in a circle hole and it just doesn't fit but I keep trying. If I had to speak objectively I'd say I probably just don't want to accept that this relationship is a failure and that I couldn't save him and save this relationship.

 

A friend pointed something out to me though- that I should stop complaining if I'm going to stay in the relationship despite the messy circumstances. So now I don't complain, I just feel sad and angry depending on the day.

 

Saw your thread about the ex being out of the country-so what happened, did he stay there the last night?

[StartingOver07]

My ex, with whom I had two children, claims to still love me. I like him and have done everything possible to maintain a good relationship with him (in the best interest of the children) but I can't honestly say I love him.

 

I suspect this varies from situation to situation and there is no way you can generalize about it. Your bf may indeed still love his wife, but not be in love with her, particularly if he is the one to end the relationship. (I dont know your backstory obviously).

 

The reasons your bf may feel connected to his wife are likely because of the circumstances that existed when those children were born -- they were starting a life together, in love, committed, etc. They may have had many years together in which he observed his wife give her all to the kids, etc.

 

That said, no, you should not have a child with this man. Your reasons for doing so are all wrong. Children do not act like glue in a relationship If anything, they have the opposite effect. Any fissures in your r/s will open that much wider with baby on the scene.