Dazed & Confused Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Hi everyone, i joined and posted back in November when me and my wife initially split http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t136052/ To cut a long story short after going to MC i thoght that i was getting over her, MC didnt really work as it caused more arguments. I had started getting on with my life meetingup with old friends etc. then one day she came to my house pleading for me to go back, she realised her mistakes etc. anyway agreed to give her a chance and moved back in - that was mid december. Things were amazing for 4-6 weeks but slowly the old 'her' came back and after countless arguing and my wife making lots of broken promises, i had enough and moved out - that was just under 4 weeks ago. The thing is, this time I am really not coping that well, I never thought last time that we would get back together or anything, but this time I know it is for real. It aint helping that she told me last sunday that she has been texting and meeting up with someone else, and after telling me when it started, was just 9 days after US splitting up!! Also about 2 weeks after me moving out she has initiated solicitors to srat divirce proceedings - although she is making out that i had 'unreasonable behaviour' because she doesn't want to wait the 2 yrs required for 'breakdown of relationship'. I really am at rock bottom at the moment, Im trying all the things i done before, exercise, going to gym more, meeting up with friends, but when im back at home I cant stop thinking about her. The wierd thing is, i dont want her back and know we are not right together, she has even said to me that i deserve someone that can treat me nicer than she ever has but i just cant seem to pick myself up! I have an 'overactive' imagination anyway, now coupled with the thoughts of her and this new bloke, my mind now wonders if it had all started before hence all the constant texting going out etc.. Sorry to have gone on, but like i know many people on here talking about it and sharing emotions does ease it - even for a little while? Has anyone else been in similar situation, where the second time round things were much harder. Although i had an amazing time over christmas and new year and it was really good to have spent it with my two little girls, part of me wishes that I had never gone back because i was on the upside and finally moving on!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 Your addicted to her! To the relationship? Your simply are going to have to go "Cold-turkey" with her and the relationship ~ the sweats the works! Go absolute NC with her Just because you love her, doesn't make her right for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazed & Confused Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 Your addicted to her! To the relationship? Your simply are going to have to go "Cold-turkey" with her and the relationship ~ the sweats the works! Go absolute NC with her Just because you love her, doesn't make her right for you? That is the problem - i cannot no completely NC as we have 2 little girls! They are my world and tbh the one thing that really keep me going!! I know its like an addiction, she has been my many firsts!! Its just wierd that this time i find it soo hard! For now i have just said that we only make contact when its regarding our kids! I do not want to know anything about whats going on in her life. I do wonder whether this OM and getting the divirce in early is a way of spiting and hurting me for leaving her? I know time is a great healer, but it doesn't help with dealing with the present! Link to post Share on other sites
melusine71 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 D&C, Try the third, fourth time... talk about pain. They string us along as a back up. There was never anything wrong with us, how we loved them. I was so willing to do absolutely anything to keep my family whole. He even shook me and said, "Why can't you get it through your head??!! I DOn't want you anymore!!" And after that I still went back. And again. It really is like being sick, addicted. I have nightmares about him every night. We have two kids. I understand about your girls but you just have to keep it all strictly business. I can't handle him being interested in my life or being kind to me. And he can't handle me telling him that I don't want to talk to him and that if he wants a woman to mollycoddle him, he can do that **** on the shoulder of his 'ho. If you back away and really get over her, she'll wonder where you went. Every time I have broken away he has come back. But I feel better and he is much easier to resist. Just let go, see her clearly and you'll be disgusted. Good luck to you and your daughters. BTW, you need to spend time with your kids. Fight for them, sounds like you were the stable parent. Get them back, at least part time. Link to post Share on other sites
onmyownagain Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 Hi Mate, I took my wife back like you and lasted another two years until I left this January. We have daughter so, like you can't go into NC. But we only contact over text and only about our daughter. I don't know if she is dating and she doesn't know what I am doing and this is the best arrangement. You need to tell your wife not to contact about anything but the children or legal things. We are leaving the divorce for the two years, did think about the unreasonable behaviour route but this would cause problems and only makes the solicitors money so best left if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 It might be the first time in the back of your head you knew there was a chance you would get back together even if you really didn't want to. Like Gunny said; you are used to the marriage not the relationship so this time you are trying to get the relationship out of your head. They say when people try to quit smoking it is always harder the second time so maybe it is the same when you are trying to get rid of a poisoned marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazed & Confused Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 D&C, Try the third, fourth time... talk about pain. . Yeah it does seem like that - when i seemed concerned and worried about her she shut me out and would come accross as quite nasty. Now i dont bother her at all never ask anything except about the girls and i can tell it gets to her! As said above i think its more that i am/was addicted to the relationship - she was the first person i have ever loved, so Ive never felt any of this before! Hi Mate, I took my wife back like you and lasted another two years until I left this January. money so best left if you can. Thats how we are going - NC unless about kids! I said about leaving it 2 years, but in her words "dont want to be married to you any longer than i have to". I have seen my solicitor today, who says that I have a good case to fight against her acusation that i was unreasonably behaved, and on the plus side i qualify for legal aid! On the flip side, when i went to see the girls last night, my ex has said she is instructing her solicitor to stop current proceedings and that she is more than happy for her to come accross the one that was un reasonable! BUT until i see the letter im carrying on as normal! The fact that 10 days after we split she has started seeing someone i think supports this - the OM has already met some of her family too! I dont think from speaking to the OM ex partner that she was involved with him before we actually split up, but she seems to be rushing things - i said they are both on re-bound and should slow down as he has recently split up with his missus for constantly 'playing' away', but she just said "well we're not making plans to get married". It might be the first time in the back of your head..... you knew there was a chance you would get back together even if you . Yeah i wondered that - perhaps deep down i knew the 1st time there was a 'chance' we would give it another go! This time it really has to be final as over the last 5&half yrs there have been sooo many broken promises and i think that my head would not handle it again! For some reason I'm feeling a lot better today, I know it's a rollercoaster of emotions though so just taking everyday as it comes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazed & Confused Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 just as i was having a good day..... had to contact Ex to see what i was instructing my solicitor to do as when we spoke last night she said she was telling hers to stop proceedings as she was more than happy to accept being 'unreasonable' to get divorce over quickly. She says that after a visit today, her solicitor has told her to carry on as normal - and the Ex said that i should just sign and get it done with! NOT a chance, I am not saying i have been a perfect husband or partner but have been FAR from un-reasonable thoughout our relationship! and there was me thinking it was going to go reasonably smoothly..... just hope she dont throw in blackmail now in the form of the girls!! She has certainly got a fight on her hands - I have been nothing but patient and forgiving over the last 4-5 years there are a lot of things i can bring in to prove just how un-reasonable she has been but wanted to leave it all as thinking about how 'stupid' i have been hurts!! Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I would just go ahead and file on whatever grounds would make it easier for all. It is clearly the end of the relationship especially with a third party involved. You have children with her, so try to get on with her for their sake. This will show her that a) you are a reasonable person, b) you refuse to stoop to her level and most importantly, c) you are a good father who cares about his daughters. Let her get on with her life. There will probably be many OMs. They will come and go like seasons judging by what you said about the type of person she is. Show her that you are indifferent. She clearly thinks that it bothers you and this gives her power over you. You need to adopt unshakable confidence. All you should care about are your daughters and their well-being! Take care man Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazed & Confused Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 well tbh the thing to make it easier on all would have been to leave it 2 years then it would of been just a simple few signatures.... SHE is the one pushing for this which either means she has alterior motives OR that it is spite. The last 6 months or so of marriage have obviously not meant alot to her so why not wait - its only a piece of paper its not as if we are tied to each other or anything. As i have said i have not been un-reasonable and certainly not going to sign a legal document saying i was - even 2 of her 'best friends' have said i deserved a medal for putting up with what i have, and my own friends have noticed the kind of 'weight' that no longer seems on my shoulders!! I am letting her get on with her life, we have agreed not to know what is going on in each others lives and to only think of the girls, she is the one that is throwing spanners in the works all the time and seeing how much she can try and hurt me! If we could do it that we are both to 'blame' then yeah TBH i would just get it signed and done, but that obviously aint going to happen. Think the best thing now is to let the legal eagles sort it out, i have a meeting next week with my solicitor so will take it from there - as long as my 2 little angels kept out of it I'll just deal with it as it comes! Link to post Share on other sites
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