My Live in Fiancee of two years Has been Gone Since Thursday 3/20/2008... I feel sick

[cruizintt]

Hello everyone,

I feel so thank ful to have found a forum that might help me in my time of need. My problem is with my fiancee of two years. We have lived together for nearly a year and a half, and we are on the lease together. I am Kevin, a 22 year old successful sales manager for a car dealership. She is Destiny, a 19 year old non high school graduate currently working as a Denny's waitress. I grew up in Mesa, AZ in an upper middle class home and family, always had what I needed, although the family had problems. My folks are still together. She grew up in West Phoenix, AZ in a rough neighborhood, poorly, with a filthy home and dangerous people surrounding her. Her dad has been in prison her whole life. Her mother has always been with deadbeats, and she had harsh childhood.

 

Our relationship began online in January of 2006, we found eachother through a dating site. We were looking for a "friends with benefits" relationship at the time. I had just gotten over a previous 2 year relationship and several dates with uninteresting women. She was unhappily in a relationship with a guy who she's been with for a year. We saw eachother on several occasions often finding the drive in movies a great place to talk and have sex (as we both were living at home). She showed a greater attraction for me and that grew to me having the same for her. She left him for me. We began having almost the high school sweetheart romance all over again. We agreed to be steady, boyfriend/girlfriend. Than I found out she was only 17, worried about statuotory rape, I confronted her. She expressed no concern and wanted us to be together. Our feelings were strong, so I agreed.

 

We dated up until May when her Mother had a sudden change of heart and said she was moving to Conway, AR. We panicked! So I agreed to take care of her and that we would get our own place. I promised her to give her the life she never had. I was our sole-provider my first time on my own in the world. We had everything we needed, love, a financial foundation, and our dreams...

 

A couple months into the apartment I found some letters her and the ex she left for me were writing. He had left into the military and she was at home all day, without a car, on the opposite side of town. She admitted writing to him as she felt bad for doing what she did to him, but we had more in 6 months than she thought they ever could have had. We agreed that there would be no more contact with him. I on the other hand thought I had the world by the balls, so I sought out to conquest more women (terrible, I know). She found emails and confronted me, I never actually slept with any of them therefore I never confessed to cheating. But the evidence was there to support I had interest in infidelity. She retaliated when I returned home once and found an instant messaging implying she was at the movies with a guy. I snapped! calling her and bringing her home. She asked if it felt good on the other end, I said no.

 

I than knew I needed to be the man I promised to be. I did love her. I was just very ignorant and ruined her trust. I asked her to forgive me and that I would spend my whole life making it up to her. Things were and than in December of 2006 I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We agreed that we would not actually tie the knot until we were able to financially support a family and have children.

 

Over the next 3 months we had arguments in which she always resorted to bringing up my past "dates" as whores and was always asking if it was a whore calling me or when I had to stay late for work, was I with a whore. I finally couldnt take it and told her to leave. I got in my car and backed out of the garage, her all the while crying, screaming, throwing things, just wanting me to stop. I had tried to re earn her trust and felt as though she shouldnt be doing this to the man who supports, loves her, and gives her all of his time. So I just kept going. She sent pic messages threatening suicide (she is bipolar by the way), which I knew she was bluffing and I just wanted to blow off some steam. Turns out I got what I asked for. After several of her pleas she sends me a pic of the plane's wing and she's off to arkansas. I couldnt stop her. I arrived at the airport just as the plane left.

 

The next three months we called and said we were sorry and that we loved eachother still. She than began to grow distant. I went on a couple of dates, and than the sickening feeling set in. What had I done? I ruined what was a pretty normal relationship that was going somewhere. I called and she says she knew of my dates with another whore, suspecting I slept with her in our bed. I dint but begged for forgiveness nonetheless. It was my fault she'd left in the first place. I bought her a plane ticket and she returned in June. She was quiet and not quite herself. She seemed tortured by the false idea that I had slept with another woman in our own bed. We tried to make ammends. Than on June 27th, she said she had to go see her grandparents for a couple days. I kissed her goodbye. She was gone again for Arkansas which I didnt find out till 3 days later. That next month was filled with desparate cries to reconcile and salvage our relationship. She said she still loved me but couldnt live with that image in her mind of another woman. We came to the realization that things could be fixed. But we needed the money to get her back here. A mutual friend sends me an ad from craigslist, she was offering "erotic massage" in Arkansas. When I confronted her, she said it was to make the money to get back to me. I told her I would take care of everything, and never again should she lower herself to that. She returned here July 25th via Greyhound Bus.

 

Our life seemed like a dream again except for one thing. All these guys from Arkansas texting her at all hours of the night whom she claimed were friends, yet I never read one of these text messages. Than I saw that she had talked to an ex boyfriend who was now a bigshot dope dealer. I forbid her from seeing him, I had done so much for her to be involved in that enviroment again. I noticed strange things about her reactions when I'd be around her if she was on the computer. I started suspecting. Than I placed a program on my computer that captured keystrokes and screenshots. While I was at work she was talking to them again. I bit my lip.

 

Than things were okay again and in November 2007, my father and I bought her a car, her first. She had just began working since the economy and car business is down. We needed extra transportation as we had moved to central phoenix and worked 20 miles away and had conflicting hours. She was great for the next few weeks. But than began always wanting to go out, without me. She wanted to be with her "friends from work". I didnt want to seem like I had a leash on her so I didnt argue.

 

Now she has begun hanging out with a new girl, a former coworker with a 3 year old son who had just broken up with her father's son. Two weeks ago I wake up at 3 am and Destiny walk into the bedroom. She says Kevin I have to take my friend to Kingman, AZ (250 miles away) so she can be with her family, her ex is trying to take the kid away. I agree and she is gone for 5 days. I called her several times while she was gone, just worried about her well being, and her transportation as I would not have typically trusted it for this extensive of a trip. When she returned she complained of feeling smothered while she was gone. Than things are fine for another week and a half.

 

Than on Thursday she is scheduled to work from 10pm to 6am, a graveyard shift. We kiss goodbye at 9pm and she goes. We text and laugh until midnight. I go to sleep. I have nightmare and call her after waking up in a cold sweat at 4 am. She insists everything is fine and she'll be home soon. I left for work Friday morning before she is supposed to be home. When I get home she is not there. She stays gone. I call and text her on Saturday repeatedly wanting to know whats happened to her. She ignores me for half of the day. Than I get one text. She claims she is with friends and having fun, Not to worry. She will be home soon. This has repeated until this moment at 4 pm on Monday. I thought she is out with Leah, (the friend with the kid) who is the only one I think she knows close enough to stay in her home. I called Leah last night and Destiny is not with her. In fact she has been trying to reach Destiny since Saturday evening with no success. Her friend confirmed that Destiny has not commented on problems in our relationship and claims to be happy. I was nosy and logged into her myspace to find that an exboyfriend was attempting message her. He was claiming how he misses her and wants her back. He is a 20 year old stoner white boy who thinks he is black, No job, No Car, and a 8 month old baby born out of wedlock with a recent girlfriend. A LOSER! I drove to his apartment complex, ready to go to prison armed with a baseball bat. No sign of her car or her. I returned home and dug deeper. Into her hotmail account to find that from 08/23/2007 to 11/25/07 she was operating as a craigslist hooker from my home while I was at work. I feel disgusted and hurt but I am willing to forgive her as there appears to have not been anymore of that since November and I would be starting problems over old news.

 

But I am very insecure about our relationship. A woman that always wanted us to get married, had transformed into a prostitute, and than back again, but than now has been gone for several days without giving me the simple respect of saying when to expect her home. She says she still loves me and wants us to be together.

 

I feel so messed up inside and like I'm going to have a heart attack any second. We've had so many problems, but always seemed to overcome them despite whatever the cards were stacked up against us. Her mother is jealous and spiteful of the life I've provided for her. And it was tough taking her out of the ghetto and into the articulate, cultured, society I call normal. She left her only family to be with me including 3 little brothers she helped raise. I have taken her to places she never wouldve seen. Disneyland, six flags, etc. Before me she'd never been out of the state.

Have I spoiled this girl to the point of disrespect? I dont know.

 

What do you people think she is doing? good or bad, cheating or just trying to get a point across?

 

How do you think I should react? Should I give her a chance? or assume the worst?

 

thanks people,

Kev

[LucreziaBorgia]

She'll be back when things stop working out for her, and she needs more support or money, you can bet on that.

 

Kev, to be perfectly honest based on what you posted I don't think you have a snowball's chance in hell to have a solid and happy future with this girl. You and she both have a long way to go before either of you are ready for marriage - much less to each other.

[Touche]

Marry her and you'll be miserable, no ifs ands or buts. She's clearly not ready for marriage and I don't think you are either.

 

Also, you're not a match.

 

Cut your losses and try to move on from this disaster of a relationship.

 

Sorry, don't mean to be so harsh but I'd hate to see you make one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

[Viper973]

Kev,

You sound like a mature level headed individual who expresses his feelings in an intelligent aritculate manner. I want to first say that I am sorry for what you are going through I can imagine the anxiety and thoughts racing through your head. I went over your post carefully and one thing stuck out in my mind. Your girlfriend (not to be mean) does seem bipolar. Her actions in my opinion are not of a mentally balanced mature individual. I know you say you love her but when push comes to shove it is all about actions and trust. What kind of trust is there when she is selling her body for money and having intercourse with strangers and unsavory characters ? That in itself puts you at risk for STD's and a whole myriad of other problems. The whole to and from Arkansas situation shows the ups and downs in her personality which is not healthy for you emotionally. You are most likely and emotional roller coaster experiencing many different emotions. Your best bet in my opinion is to cut your losses and move on maintaining strict no contact with her. Nothing good can come of pursuing a relationship with her, I am not saying she is a bad person I am saying she is not the one for you. I wish you the best.

 

Viper

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but you would have to be out of your mind to be with her. She had no problem being a prostitute out of your apartment. You are a total fool to be with her. She will destroy you. Seek some therapy before she destroys your life. Why do you wish to settle for so little in your life?

[Legend]

You could do better man. Ditch the trailer park trash.

[cruizintt]

Well she has till yet to come home, but I have a feeling she is gonna try to tonight.

 

In there last 2 years I have gone through what would end most marriages with this girl. I miss her, love her, and want her so much... despite everything that has happened. In the last 5 days I have suffered severe panic attacks, and just collapsed to the ground because I feel so weak and sick. I wonder if I have Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?

 

I have never gone to the doctor for antidepressants but I feel like I may Need them. What kind of doctor would I need to see? Is it generally covered by health insurance?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wonder if I have Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder?

 

I have never gone to the doctor for antidepressants but I feel like I may Need them. What kind of doctor would I need to see? Is it generally covered by health insurance?

 

1. I'm not sure about that, but it would seem that you are very codependent.

 

2. Look in your phone book for your local Department of Social Services, the mental health division. That is probably your cheapest option. Let them know your problem, and they will take it from there. I think you would benefit greatly from talking to someone about this, combined with some drug therapy to get you through the worst spots.

 

3. It varies by company. Call your agency and ask.

[Bryanp]

You were a whole person before you met her and you will be a whole person after. Clearly she is toxic to you and everybody else. She was prostituting herself from your apartment for God's sake. Why would you love someone who treats you like garbage? Wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who treats you with love and respect? You would have to be a masochist to want to be with a woman who no doubt will give you an STD. Is she the only woman on this planet you must be with? Please seek therapy why you wish to be such a punching bag. Is this why you were born?

[Touche]

Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder? Are you serious? Is there even such a thing? If so, then maybe there's also Adult Wimpy Man Syndrome because I think that's what you have.

 

Look, we all get really really down when we're rejected or had our heart broken. You should really try to grow a spine and realize that she's messed up and was using you. She didn't love you the way you do/did. If she did she wouldn't be hurting you like this.

 

Stay with her and it will only get worse. But I can see you won't listen. And by the way, why do you point out with such pride that marriages have broken up for less. You should really be sort of embarrassed by that. It's another indicator that you need to grow a set and get rid of her once and for all.

 

Most men, (operative word here is MEN) wouldn't put up with this.

[cruizintt]

First I need to say that I think online scrurmishes are dumb,

But Mr. Touche you really ought to keep the whole thing about growing some nuts to yourself. Lets say you had a wife who had a different addiction such as alcoholism, and chose to do it despite knowing that it hurt you. If you invested two of your hardest worked years, gave up your college years of fun, not to mention spending easily $50,000+ in those 2 years living together. Wouldnt you wonder if things were salvageable? Is it worth giving up such a large investment?

 

Growing nuts is something I did a long time ago, hence I am very succesful and mature for my age. But before you want to come in here bashing the people who came looking for some sort of comfort or advice, take a look at yourself. Are you that sad? You spend your nights just negatively critiqueing other people for asking for help. I hope you have the opprtunity to go through something similar just so you can look back and say, "you know what... this really sucks". If I wasn't lost or confused I wouldn't even be on this site. As you can see, it is my FIRST and ONLY THREAD.

 

So forgive me for asking questions, I can tell that you know everything. At least I have the excuse of having a relationship with a problem to even be on this site. You on the other hand, well... I guess you couldn't afford to do something fun like go see a movie. Give me your address and I will send you $10 just so you will keep your opinions to yourself.

 

BITE ME! and thank you EVERYONE ELSE for your HELPFUL responses

[Touche]

Wow! Maybe you're not such a wimp afterall. Why don't you act like that with your missing g/f? And I'm not a Mr. by the way. I'm a Mrs.

 

I won't respond to your personal attacks because I didn't personally attack you. I gave you the best advice I could give you. I hope you remember it one day.

 

As for this:

 

f you invested two of your hardest worked years, gave up your college years of fun, not to mention spending easily $50,000+ in those 2 years living together. Wouldnt you wonder if things were salvageable? Is it worth giving up such a large investment?

 

No, I wouldn't. I would cut my losses. It's a shame that you're going to have to find this out the hard way. She's going to bleed you dry and I feel very badly for you.

 

It's a shame you saw my well-intended advice as "bashing" and not what is was...good advice I'd give any good friend of mine who was suffering.

 

I'll stay off your thread if you want. Good luck. Hope you don't get TOO hurt, because if you wait for her and hold out hope that this will go anywhere, you will get hurt...guaranteed.

[AussieJack]

No, I wouldn't. I would cut my losses. It's a shame that you're going to have to find this out the hard way. She's going to bleed you dry and I feel very badly for you.

 

 

OK here we go again- another dumb grunt lost in the jungle with no ammo.

 

Man, I am reading your first post and I am hearing "Captain-save-a- Ho "

WHat exactly have you gotten back for all your time and money and sacrifices. What ? You have been reduced to a condition which will probably need meds and therapy.THINK ABOUT THAT !

THis female is TOXIC in the extreme .

Let me give you some advice -

"You cant make a hor into hosewife " - but no doubt you will keep trying.

[Event Horizon]

And it was tough taking her out of the ghetto and into the articulate, cultured, society I call normal.

The hard lesson I learned: You can take the girl out of the ghetto...but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl.

 

E..H

[SoleMate]

I...dug deeper....into her hotmail account to find that from 08/23/2007 to 11/25/07 she was operating as a craigslist hooker from my home while I was at work. I feel disgusted and hurt but I am willing to forgive her as there appears to have not been anymore of that since November and I would be starting problems over old news.

Look, you just cannot have a monogamous relationship with a hooker. Doesn't matter if she uses Craigslist, The New Yorker magazine or the East Podunk Penny Saver to advertise her services. And the general rule of thumb is....if email shows she's tricking from 8/23/2007 to 11/25/2007, reality is she's been doing it quite a while and is still at it. What....did she have a religious experience during Thanksgiving Dinner that made her decide to stop selling sex? I don't think so!! What other way does she HAVE to earn money?

 

Some simple advice for you....stop listening to her WORDS; instead, look at her ACTIONS. Then pretend you're giving advice to a friend and ask yourself, is this a good r/s to pursue? 2-3 months of NC and the pain of separation will be much less......I guarantee it!!

[Touche]

What do you people think she is doing? good or bad, cheating or just trying to get a point across?

 

Cheating with one or several men.

 

How do you think I should react? Should I give her a chance? or assume the worst?

 

Assume the worst given her history.

 

Oh and I agree with the last two posters.

[SidCaesar]

She'll be back when things stop working out for her, and she needs more support or money, you can bet on that.

 

Kev, to be perfectly honest based on what you posted I don't think you have a snowball's chance in hell to have a solid and happy future with this girl. You and she both have a long way to go before either of you are ready for marriage - much less to each other.

 

Co-sign...start trying to get over it, because it'll never be better with her. This drama and sadness will be your life together if you keep it up.