The Ex Factor

[sonsofdisaster]

Hey everyone, I am brand new to this, but thought to try it -- I need some help and feedback. As the title reads, it is about ex's...well here it goes.

 

I am 21 yrs old, and met 'H' while in University. We immediately hit it off, and after one month of dating, went to Cuba since we got a last minute deal. It was fantastic. We bonded like no other, and it was like a fairy tale. We have been dating for 6 months, and she proposed to me during this time, and are engaged. Yes, it was fast, but I cannot explain the connection and chemistry we have. Our parents and friends were thrilled and could see the love and knew we were destined to be together. We hung out everyday for 6 months and I have never been happier. We were inseperable and went together like spaghetti and meatballs.

 

Now, H dated her ex, '+' for 2 yrs, and broke up with him 2 months before we met. I thought rebound, but she had a few guys before me -- rebounds. However, + and H maintained contact thru Facebook, secretly, because she knew I would be upset.

 

She hid it once, and I found out, and she admitted to it. Now, it's been 4 times she hid it -- and told me she is going to meet with him to bury the hatchet. The hatchet being the fact they broke up on bad terms and she hates the fact that they arent civil and friends. + in his msgs stated how much he misses her and she was the first person he ever really loved. He also wrote some acoustic songs for her, which he wants to play for her.

 

I found out again, tonight, that she was hiding this. It is my birthday this Friday, and she was planning to meet him Thursday (!!!). However, once I discovered this, she told me she wont go since in fact it is my birthday the next day. Instead, she is meeting him on Sunday, at his work (SportChek), to talk with him on his lunchbreak. I then said, well, it will mean she won't hear the songs (which she wants to hear btw), and she said she can see them hanging out once a month to have a few drinks, catch up, and whatever.

 

I am furious.

 

H went from telling me she hates him, to wanting to be his friend, to never wanting to see him, to know burying the hatchet and being his friend.

 

Details to add;

- they dated for 2 yrs, and + cheated on her, which she forgave

- she was pregnant with his child, but had a miscarriage

- + treated her like garbage and was a ladie's man

- they lived together

- they broke up 2 months after her miscarriage, b/c she couldnt take his lies and him treating her like a doormat

 

Now, my understanding and logical thinking tell me this is not right. H explanation is that they dated for so long, and it is hard to just cut someone out of your life and they confided in eachother. She doesnt want to lose a friend, and they were best friends for 2 yrs and then went to not talking at all, to the occasional facebook msg.

 

Other details to add;

- H tells me how much she loves me and how she needs me in her life

- H tells me i treat her like a queen and she never wants to lose me

- Our wedding date was in 2010

- we were moving in together this May 2008

- he goes to college, we go to university

- she lives close to the college, since they lived together

- she only saw him once in 6 months, at his work, where she bought some clothes

- he called right after that time at work, and talked for 45 mins on the phone

 

I am in need of dire assistance, and if there are any details needed, i will gladly share them.

 

Thanks in advance,

Trouble in Paradise

[Flor]

hi, I am also new too but I am 19 years old so hopefully from what I experience may help.

See, before meeting my current boyfriend, I was going out with a guy for almost 5 years...yea I was young maybe I didnt know what love really meant when we were 12 but we went out from middle school to the beginning of senior year. We were in love we had broken up and after about a year I meet my current boyfriend and hes one of those guys who tells me who to talk to or not..not in a bad bad way but my point is that My ex was my first love and I was his and we always promise each other to be friends really close friends no matter what...and when he came back to my life when my boyfriend and I had about months together he gt frustrated he had found out that we were talking. I would tells him there was nothing to worry because hes my ex and I am with him. my b/f wanted me to stop talking to him and I would lie to him when we would talk. I guess your girl will always have her ex in her heart but just as a friend, just like I have for my ex. We grew in love together and I understand her when you had said she dated him for so long, and it is hard to just cut someone out of her life. She doesnt want to lose a friend. Thats exactly how I am right now. Is she says she loves you, then she loves you and about her ex, she will always have that feeling for him as a friend, someone whom she cared about and doesnt want to lose. Believe me I understand her and you shouldnt worry. I am sorrry if I didnr=t help out I tried...lol I am new at this so yea.

[Bryanp]

Save yourself some heartache and break up with her. She has shown you her true colors. You are engaged and she continues to lie to you about contact with her ex and is determined to continue the friendship. You do not want to marry a woman who continues to pine away for an ex that treated her like garbage. Get a reality check. If she is doing this to you while you are engaged; just imagine what she will do after you are married. She does not care about your feelings and has no boundaries. It is absurd.

 

The red flags are right in front of your face. She has never gotten over this guy and your are mr. safetynet. She may love you but she still loves him. She has put his priority over you. Why do you want to be with a person who continues to hide things from you? Open your eyes.

[Cobra_X30]

SOD, Flor,

 

Listen, dragging your old relationship into the new one is disrespectful and rude. If you are too insecure to just walk away from your last relationship... you have no right to be in a new one.

 

In regards to controlling types. As a guy... you should not be constantly telling her who to talk to! It tends to make them rebell against your percieved authority anyway, so it won't have the effect you want.

 

If she can't let go of her ex and your not comfortable with it... You let go of her! Do you really want to be some stupid rebound guy?

 

Oh... and SOD, please keep in mind that many girls who get cheated on... become cheats themselves. Imputation sucks.

[vivrantflo]

I would dump her man..

 

Lets flip the script for a minute..

 

"+" Is doing the right thing in terms of winning her back.. which he eventually will..

 

He got their relationship from her hating his guts and dating you.... to her wanting to hear his music, and solidifying plans to meet up with him once a month.

 

What utter crap.

 

She maintained contact with him SECRETLY through Facebook.. she never admitted it to you.. you caught her.

 

That sneakiness should not be tolerated.

 

I do believe she has feelings for you.. but.. you were the rebound. There's no set rule that someone only has one rebound.

 

+ is playing it right cause now he's got his foot in the door.. and they will be hanging out.. Notice she never asked how YOU would feel about them meeting... you know why?? Cause she's selfish.

 

IF you stay with her, you're gonna get her acting weird and distant in about two months from now... then you're gonna get "THE SPEECH" About how she loves you, but she needs "time and space" away from you..

 

Then a week later she's in bed with +...

 

Save yourself the pain and walk away. Rebound relationships move fast.. and you guys moved fast. I'm sorry man.. these situations really suck for the reboundee

[Flor]

Me being a female and kinda went through it. I honestly dont think is wrong to keep in contact with an EX. I tell my current boyfriend that we are just friends, he was someone very important in my life and cant let him out of my life. Its just a true loving friendship. I love my current boyfriend he made me fall in love again when after my EX and I broken up. I honestly didnt think I was able to fall in love again. I felt lonely and meeting him I knew that people can fall in love again. I was so furious at the fact that he had told me he didnt want me to talk to my EX, so like I said I would lie to him, I respect my boyfriend and I wouldnt doubt my feeling for him. For instance I remember one night at I was at a family party and after the family party I was suppose to go to my boyfriends house to watch the UFC fight with him and his friends, my Ex boyfriend brother had text me saying that my EX was in town, since after high school he moved, so since I hadnt seen him in so long I decided to stop by his house and hang out with with him and his family and so I did. When I went to my boyfriends house I had gotten a text from my Ex brother saying that my Ex's girlfrind had found out that I was over and they had broken up. I felt bad because she should know theres nothing going on between us and she knows I have a boyfriend so what can possibly happen. So my boyfriend wanted to see the text and I had to tell him that yea I went to his house. He got so mad at the point he broke up with me that night but I didnt want to leave his house without getting him back. I knwo I didnt do anything wrong. I just simply went to say Hi. He would tell me that if I wanted I can go with him hes single now and blah blah blah and I toldf him that I dont like him like that anymore, hes just a friend, I feel in love for a reason and he should undesrtand that I have no feeling for my Ex anymore I love him. Sorry I may had gone off topic but just wanted to add some stuff. Its hard for me, and now that I have no contact with my Ex because of my Ex and my Ex girlfriend it sucks because they both shouldnt get mad and tell us who to talk to or not. We both are in a realtionship, we love of partenr and were just simply friends. I guess someone would have gone through this to understand me.

[lexi29]

I am friends with two of my exes (one was a very long relationship) and I can honestly say I think your girl is up to no good. If she truly just wanted to be friends with this ex, she wouldn't have been secretive. I'm not sure if I read this correctly but it sounds like you caught her talking to him, got upset about it, she probably promised she'd tell you the truth, then she hid it from you some more and you caught her again. Now she wants to go see this guy!! If all she wanted was friendship she would have told you about her plans, even asked if it were ok. She would have asked you to come along the first time to meet her ex. Thats what I do with my exes when I start dating someone. They are introduced like my female friends. Your girl is putting her ex in the #1 spot in her life, by lying to you about him. She isn't considering YOUR feelings. Do you want to be with someone like that. Obviously whether she wants to admit it or not she still has feelings for this ex. If I were you I wouldn't tolerate this behavior.

 

 

I was the one who ended things with both of my exes and no one was cheated on so I'm not sure how it would feel to be friends with an ex who cheated on me, mistreated me and left me. NOt sure I'd be able to be friends with an ex like that.