Gad and a new relationship

[jeepers31]

I am once back here again, seeming to deal with the same issue that I have dealt with before. This time though I have more insight and think it might not only be an emotional thing, but a chemical/ neurotransmitter thing.

 

I came upon an old post (from 5 years ago) in another site and it sounded so eerily familiar, it almost sounded like the the questions that I have now. It asked about being needy and getting into relationships. That relationship ended and I have spent the last 5 years doing my own thing

 

I have been single for many years since that relationship ended and have really been doing well. I havent had many problems doing my own thing, and have come to relish my singleness. For the most part I am actually quite centered.

 

Well, the time has come again and I have met another potential suitor. I enjoy his company and the relationship was going well until I started having stronger feelings for him. Thats when the trouble began.

 

I was diagnosed with General Anxiety disorder and depression 8 years ago. I am compliant with all my medications and seek counselling/ therapy with my Dr. every month.

 

Anyway back with my story. I have dated a few times since that message on the board from way back then, and have realized that there is a pattern here. I am fine on my meds when I am single but when I start to get into a relationship, I get anxious and my anxiety causes me to question everything, from whether I like the guy i am dating as a potential BF/ Suitor or even as just a friend. Then I get clingy.

 

This current guy, has not really given me a lot of things to worry about, he's actually stuck through me when I was going through an initial bout of anxiety when I met him, which was completely unrelated to him. I haven't gotten clingy with him yet, but the anxiety that causes me to go there is rearing it's ugly head.

 

Now as I get attached to him, those same old anxieties are back I'm currently taking paxil cr at 75 mg to function. But the anxiety is back. That's the highest I can go on this medication. While talking to my pdoc we are going to change the medication and the new bf is currently away out at sea for 6 months, which gives me the time and helps me take care of my issues.

 

This has been an ongoing issue for many years for me. My first relationship was codependent, but I have been single for many many years since that relationship and I hope I have learned a new way of relating. Since then I have never been in a relationship that has lasted longer than 4 months, most of the times the guys breaking up with me. Now you would think that I would learn from each of these experiences and I have (on paper) but in the situation the anxiety takes over and I can't control the obsessive thoughts. They literally suck the enjoyment of the newness of the relationship out of me. I don't know what to do.

 

I know what a healthy relationship is and that is what I want. I know what balance is. While I have been burned before, more often thatn not the relations that I have had up until now have not really included this anxiety factor, which I take in part to the relationships not lasting too long.

 

I don't want to be single forever. What the heck is going on?