Controlled Separation

[rkb800]

My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for the past year and it really hasn't solved our problems. The biggest problem I'm currently faced with right now is the fact she sees nothing wrong with going out to a country bar once a week and hanging out with single friends both male and female and she doesn't want me to come there ever!!! Of course that has raised red flags in my eyes. Every week starts an argument about her going out and the more we fight about it the more she wants to go out to get away from the fighting and turns out to be vicious cycle. About year ago she did exchange #'s with someone there who was about 10 years younger than she is, but she claims that she was only was interested in a friendship. Supposedly this person hasn't been to this country bar in over 9 months , however she doesn't still socialize with a group of people that she has even gone in their car to other country bars. I've tried all different tactics like going out and trying to make her see what it feels like and it only sparks an argument because she'll say the only reason you're doing that is to show me what it feels like and she's right. So I feel at this point I need to take a stand and move forward with a divorce mediation which takes about 3 months and try a controlled separation for a 3 month period and if the separation period doesn't stop the going out then I'll have no choice but to proceed with a divorce. However the separation in my opinion is just going to give her more freedom to hang out with these single people and not possibly bring us any closer. So I'm at witts end of what to do. On the other hand this is no way to be in a marriage with someone who is attending nightclubs 1-3 times a week after 18.5 years of marriage and 3 kids. By the way I'm 45 and my wife is 40 and very attractive and knows it. I have felt like a doormat for the past 18 months that this situation has been going on. I tried taking the approach of acting like it was ok for a little while and started going out also in hopes she would get the hint, but unfortunately that plan just back fired and she just went out more. If anyone has any helpful advise I'm all ears!!!

[Bryanp]

Going to bars up to 3 times a week and hanging with single people is simply unacceptable. The fact she refuses to allow you to come with her says it all. She is acting like she is single and totally disrespecting you and your marriage. Her attitutde indicates that she does not care how you feel at all. I think you are being forced to divorce her. Her priority is not you but rather her single friends and she has deliberately excluded you. I hope you find a good attorney.

[Cobra_X30]

Hmmm... any chance you can use that against her to get her considered an unfit parent?

 

Seriously, you don't want your kids hanging out with some pervert she drags home from the bar.

[shanny]

I hate to say this, but if she doesn't allow you to tag along, she's hiding something. My god, you are her life partner, and she doesn't want to bring you to a bar with her? Does she ever let you go out with her?

 

It sounds like you have taken all of the right steps with counseling and stuff, but it doesn't seem to be working. For marriage counseling to work, both spouses have to be committed to it. Obviously she is not committed. Now I only condone this in certain situations, but can you do some digging (trying to be polite... what I really mean is snooping) to find out who she is hanging out with and what she is doing? Can you check her email, cell phone, anything? I know this doesn't sound ethical, but if your partner of 18 years is messing around, you NEED to know about it to take the correct steps.

[twice_shy]

My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for the past year and it really hasn't solved our problems. The biggest problem I'm currently faced with right now is the fact she sees nothing wrong with going out to a country bar once a week and hanging out with single friends both male and female and she doesn't want me to come there ever!!!

 

Thats because she wants male attention, possibly even cheating, and your precense would spoil that.

 

Let me ask you, what time does she come home? Do you have kids and does she make you stay home with them so she can go out and party?

 

 

Of course that has raised red flags in my eyes. Every week starts an argument about her going out and the more we fight about it the more she wants to go out to get away from the fighting and turns out to be vicious cycle. About year ago she did exchange #'s with someone there who was about 10 years younger than she is, but she claims that she was only was interested in a friendship.

 

Ya right. It is completely unacceptable to exhange phone numbers with someone of the opposite sex unless there is a specific reason, like she is going to sell him your used car or something.

 

"friendship" is not an acceptable reason. ESPECIALLY when it is done in an environment where she doesn't want you there.

 

My man, this is the exact same situation as my marriage and I can tell you exactly where it is headed, with her in bed with other men.

 

 

Supposedly this person hasn't been to this country bar in over 9 months , however she doesn't still socialize with a group of people that she has even gone in their car to other country bars. I've tried all different tactics like going out and trying to make her see what it feels like and it only sparks an argument because she'll say the only reason you're doing that is to show me what it feels like and she's right. So I feel at this point I need to take a stand and move forward with a divorce mediation

 

I'd say that is a good idea.

 

 

which takes about 3 months and try a controlled separation for a 3 month period and if the separation period doesn't stop the going out then I'll have no choice but to proceed with a divorce. However the separation in my opinion is just going to give her more freedom to hang out with these single people and not possibly bring us any closer.

 

There is no bringing you two closer. She wants to go party without you and there is a reason for that.

 

Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want you to go to? Simply tell her you'd like to go with her next time. If she dances around it and tries to convince you to not go, then get rid of her.

 

 

So I'm at witts end of what to do. On the other hand this is no way to be in a marriage with someone who is attending nightclubs 1-3 times a week after 18.5 years of marriage and 3 kids. By the way I'm 45 and my wife is 40 and very attractive and knows it.

 

Yup, she doesn't want you at the clubs with her because she wants to hook up with other men. I have always said thats an unacceptable situation and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

 

I have felt like a doormat for the past 18 months that this situation has been going on. I tried taking the approach of acting like it was ok for a little while and started going out also in hopes she would get the hint, but unfortunately that plan just back fired and she just went out more. If anyone has any helpful advise I'm all ears!!!

 

 

this is what I would do if I were you. Go consult a lawyer, a good lawyer. One with a reputation of a bulldog.

 

DO NOT TELL HER you are seeing a lawyer and DO NOT TELL HER you are wanting a divorce. Just go see the lawyer and make your case.

 

However, depending on the state you are in, you may have to pick from a list of "faults" and the one I think you can use is adultery. But you have to have proof first. Is there anyone you know that she doesn't that can show up at the bar and let you know what is going on? Maybe take some pictures?

 

But whatever you do, while contacting the lawyer, don't let her know. The day she gets served with divorce papers is the day she should find out. And the whole time you are seeing a lawyer, act like nothing is wrong. Let her go out without complaint and stay home with the kids. Document that you stay home with the kids while she goes out and lives the life of a single woman. This might help if you want custody.

[InLimbo2]

Hmmm... any chance you can use that against her to get her considered an unfit parent?

 

Seriously, you don't want your kids hanging out with some pervert she drags home from the bar.

 

Good lord - just because you have a social life does not mean anything. I became a single mom in 1996 (now involved with the guy I'll marry) and I had an active social life all those years. But I never brought it home to where my kids live. My ex was jealous and tried to raise it in the custody fight, which the evaluator asked the kids about it and they said "we've never seen mommy with anyone but daddy". In those 12 years, my children have met 4 men I dated, all serious relationships of 6+ months, and only two ever spent the night under the same roof as me when my children were in my custody. And I waited til my kids were older. My ex, on the other hand, had women shacked up with him on and off while the kids were there, even when they were little - including my son's teacher from the prior year.