Help I miss my ex

[ladylove]

I really need some advice.......My husband of 10 years left mr for another woman in 1996 and he married her 5 days after our divorce was final,after he married I moved an old flame from high school in with me to ease the hurt.....the problem......he is still here but I still miss my ex.....I think I must feel some sort of love for my boyfriend cause I have put up with allot...allot of it is I do not want to be alone....How can I put my feelings for my ex aside and move on....I have ne ver loved ne 1 the way I love him............

[Shirley]

I really need some advice.......My husband of 10 years left mr for another woman in 1996 and he married her 5 days after our divorce was final,after he married I moved an old flame from high school in with me to ease the hurt.....the problem......he is still here but I still miss my ex.....I think I must feel some sort of love for my boyfriend cause I have put up with allot...allot of it is I do not want to be alone....How can I put my feelings for my ex aside and move on....I have ne ver loved ne 1 the way I love him............

Hi!

 

The best thing you can do right now is to be single again. And after ten years of marriage, this will be very scary. It's like starting your life over. And it's fine to keep your boyfriend as a roommate if he is your friend. But try to start going out with other people. And don't try to look for men with certain qualities. Go out just to have fun. And don't limit yourself to one man at a time. You're not looking for a relationship right now, you are meeting people, and going out with the ones who seem interesting to you. And if at any time during the date, you decide that you don't like a guy, then don't go out with him again. It is possible for you to love again. But don't try to look for it. Meet people, and just have fun.

[Totally Confused]

Wow, you've been through a lot. I know how hard it can be to get over someone that you've put so much time, love and committment into - only to get a slap in the face. It's someone that you love so much and you think is always going to be there for you, only to have him walk away.

 

It's been five years and you still can't move on. Obviously there is a reason why you don't want to move on. Do you hope he'll realize that he made a mistake and will want to come back to you one day? Moving on is the hardest thing. There are supposed to be five stages you go through...

 

1. denial

 

2. realization(pain)

 

3. anger

 

4. resignation

 

5. acceptance

 

Did you maybe miss a stage? What also might help is if you look at your ex for what he really is, not for the person he was. He hurt you. He left you for another woman, after taking a vow of committment. He married her five days after your divorce. What kind of insensitive person is he? This is the kind of man you want? You'll have to ask yourself why? The funny part is if he was able to do this to you, he'll be capable of doing this to his new wife. She will always wonder - believe me. She didn't get a prize that's for sure. She got a man who took a vow with another woman, and broke that vow, unwilling to work it out. He's a quitter and he lied when he took his vows. That's nothing to admire. You have to stop looking at that man with love and passion and know him for the way he really is. The way he is, is certainly not admirable. Let her deal with him. You should be happy you don't have to - he's her problem now.

 

Another reason you are probably unable to let go, is because of your self-esteem. Of course it's low, whos wouldn't be after what you've gone through. Rejection is the worst and that's how you felt and still feel. Your present boyfriend takes all those feelings of rejection away. You've never given yourself time to deal with those feelings. You've covered them with a band-aid. When someone has a stomach ache, they cover the pain with an antacid, rather than going to the root of the problem, which may be an ulcer. They want instant relief. The problem with instant relief is the pain from the ulcer will never go away and will keep reoccurring, because you cover it temporarily instead of going the source of it for a total cure. Maybe it was the stress that caused the ulcer, but that's too complex and will take a lot longer to deal with rather than just to find instant cure for the pain. You ran to this other man for instant relief, rather than dealing with the pain on your own. It's not going to go away, until you deal with the pain head-on. By doing that, you are going to have to be alone for a while. You may even need a therapist to talk to about the pain that you've supressed for so long...that's why you can't move on. You may also be blaming yourself. You've probably put a lot of what your husband did on your shoulders. As if you had everything to do with it. You probably sit and think "if only I ..." - it's not your fault and you have to realize that too. You may also want to start reading self-esteem books, because it sounds like that's the root of all of your problems. Once you start to like yourself again and boost your esteem, you'll start to realize what a creep your ex-husband was, and then you feel sorry for him and his new wife. You'll become more attractive to everyone around you and eventually you will attract a nice decent guy. Because you'll be healthy, you'll start surrounding yourself with healthy people who will be possitive influences in your life. Remember, it's all about you and what's good for you. This man you are living with, may be a nice guy, but he's bringing you down, cause you don't love him and he's preventing you from dealing with the real issues. Well-you don't need him anymore and this man needs to move on too. You aren't in love with him, though I'm sure you love and care for him very much. It's time to start working on you and your wants and needs. The first step is the hardest, kind of like a drug addict going through his first stage of withdrawal. But if you are strong,you'll take the first step and over time, I PROMISE YOU, you will get stronger and stronger and become happier and happier with yourself. You'll be so proud of yourself, because you've found strenght that you never knew existed. Your ex-husband will then look differently to you, and so will that whole situation. You will finally be able to stop being in the victim mode and finally you will totally (100%) be able to move on.

 

Good luck and I hope you end up happy.