My fiance "joking" about stuff

[lexi29]

So my fiance and I supposed to get married in Sept. He proposed to me toward the end of Feb. so everything is moving pretty fast (since he proposed) we have been together (on and off) for about four years. He has an 8 yr old son who lives with him full time. HIs son was very excited about us getting married. I have been really stressed out with the planning-the-wedding stuff. It was his idea to get married in Sept and I love him so I agreed. He is very excited about the wedding and I was concerned he wasn't thinking much further beyond that. So last thursday I had a talk with him. I was very upset/stressed ect. I basically told him we have a lot of issues (don't know where we are going to live etc). I have to give up my apartment and we have to find a new place in the city he lives in because his apartment is too small for the three of us. We have been looking at houses for sale too. It was just overwhelming to me and I basically had a small breakdown.

 

He tried to assure me everything was going to be ok. We talked about how we will split bills etc and how our living situation would work. Talked about things about his son too. I felt better after our talk. He, however has felt like I wanted to call things off (I admit I told him "I'm not sure I can do this anymore") but I meant more of I don't really know if I want to get married in Sept. not that I didn't want to be with him at all. Previously he was very excited about the wedding, talking about it all the time and now not so much. He says he feels I'm not sure if I want to marry him and he's hurt by this. I did not spend the night at his house this last weekend (I normally do but lately his son wakes us up at 6am both days and I really need my sleep! So I slept at my own place till 10am and then go see them. Also on easter, I Had car trouble and was only able to see them once that day (we hid eggs for his son) and I was supposed to come back but then had the car trouble and didn't want to go back over there.

 

I think he feels I am pushing him away, or that I am acting like I don't want him around. I admit on saturday night his son went to a friend's house to spend the night and my fiance asked me to spend the night and I still declined because I am mentally and physically just so worn out I wanted to sleep in my own bed. so all of this is not just in his head. I just need a breather! I am still very loving towards him and we have sex just as much as usual (about four times a week). But ever since thursday its like I have to constantly reassure him, yes I still love you. I appologized for having doubts but now its like he thinks I am cheating on him or something. Yesterday I forgot to put on my rings (I normally wear four rings including my engagement ring.) I was in a rush to get to work and forgot. I've done this before but never since I've been engaged (about a month) Well he didn't even notice I wasn't wearing any rings until I went to leave last night and He accused me of doing it on purpose as to show that I'm not engaged or something. Well I didn't have ANY of my rings on, I could understand if it were just the engagement ring that I forgot.

 

He also does this thing since thursday where he accuses me of stuff but does it in a manner and then claims he's only joking. I don't even know when he's serious. He "jokingly" accused me of not being at work yesterday because he called me and I didn't answer- was away from my desk. this has happened before and he never accused me of anything. Also last night he was especially "mean" with his "joking" toward me. He kept saying things like I don't love him and I might be seeing another guy behind his back. His son's "aunt" called (not really his aunt but this 23 year old girl that used to be friends with his son's mother and she takes his son for a weekend around every holiday) last night and he talked to her while I was sitting there and he was asking her about her jobs and she is a massuese (not sure I spelled that right) as one of her jobs and he was telling her "you should come down and give me one (a massage)" and she laughed all flirtatiously and it really hurt my feelings. He then told her about five minutes later that we were engaged and getting married in Sept. I'm glad he mentioned that and if he hadn't I would have gotten up and went home.

 

 

Also last night he "jokingly" told me that he thinks all my friends hate him and that his good friend thinks I don't like him and he was going to ask him to go to a strip club with him last friday but figured I wouldn't "allow" him. Now to fiance has never gone to a strip club since we've been dating. He went to them when he was 18 years old and when he was 21-23 but thats about it. Supposedly it is someone's birthday and they are going again this weekend and want my fiance to go. He asked if he's "allowed" to go and I said I don't care but actually I am hurt because this weekend his son is at his mom's and its OUR weekend to spend together. I don't like the idea of him going to see strippers while I sit at home. So I called him at lunch time today to ask if they were sure they were going on saturday (I didn't know if this was another "joke" just to see my reaction or not.) because if he is making plans then I am going to make my own plans. I have a guy friend I haven't seen in a few months (he is one of my best friends) and he has a girlfriend he lives with and is no threat etc.) I would like to hang out with him but he needs advance notice to make sure his girlfriend is cool with it. Well my fiance is upset now that how dare I hang out with another guy (this coming from the guy who plans to go oggle naked women) This is a guy he knows and deep down he knows there is NO chance of me doing anything innapropriate with this guy. He's a good friend and I never get to see him.

 

Well he was basically an ass to me on the phone, "joking" that I must really miss my guy friend because I am in such a rush to see him this weekend (if my fiance goes to the strip club). He would prefer I go with him (no thanks!) or that I sit at home and wait for him to return. Again no thanks, not like I will get any benefit of him coming home all horny after seeing naked women all night (bad week).

 

He is not normally like this. he is usually a very attentive sweet guy. he has done somethings in the past that weren't great (left me for his ex) but we seemed to resolve all that and he is 100% committed to me. I think all of this was triggered by me telling him about my insecurities about getting married so soon. He looks at it as if I don't feel as strongly about him and marriage then I shouldnt' have any doubts. and if I do then it MUST be because I am interested in another guy. (marriage is a HUGE step for him as he's never proposed to anyone before and even though about three of his past relationships wanted to get married to him he REFUSED and left them.) His mom even told me that she told one of his exes if she wanted to get married she was dating the wrong guy because her son would NEVER get married. So if he has decided he wants to get married I know he is in this 110%. So I can see how it would be scary and frustrating to him that I'm not 100% sure. He thinks I want to be with someone else and that is the reason for my uncertainty.

 

I wish I could take back what I told him on thursday and maybe we wouldn't have this problem. I'm tired of his "joking" about accusing me of cheating on him, seeing other guys etc. I am hurt that suddenly now he wants to go to strip club (this is the same guy who didnt' want to have alcohol at our wedding reception!). It feels like he is deliberately trying to hurt me or make me angry with him. WHY is he doing this and what can I do to ease his fears etc? Is he insecure or just being an A$$?

[curiousnycgirl]

You had legitimate concerns you needed assurances on and are now regretting sharing them with him? That is absurd. It is also absurd that he is now questioning your commitment to him.

 

What else did you say? There has to be more to this story. did you tell him you want to postpone the wedding? that things were moving too fast?

 

Otherwise his reaction really doesn't make any sense.

[lexi29]

I told him that looking at houses with him scared me because I realized how much we hadn't discussed yet. I was also overwhelmed by trying to deal with looking at houses, his son acting out, and planning this wedding. If you look at my side, this is moving very very fast- he left me in Oct- just broke up with me out of the blue after maybe two weeks of off-behavior. He left me for an ex from 11 years ago. Started dating her immediately and then not even three weeks later was calling me telling me he missed her and bitching about he couldn't stand the new girl. I told him not to call me again and he dumped her the very next day. Took him two months of trying to win me back before I decided to give him a chance. SO even though we were together for four years total we've only been dating about four months since he left me (was six months ago). I think he is in such a rush to get engaged etc because he realized what he lost and he's afraid to lose me again.

 

I did tell him that I didn't think I could do this anymore (get married, plan a wedding) and he took it as I was doing what HE did to me back in Oct. that I was breaking up with him. And of course since HiS reason for breaking up with me and not wanting to be in a relationship anymore was becasue he thought he wanted to be with his ex he thinks no matter what I say that the only reason I would want to leave him is for someone else! I did tell him he should try to get his money back that he paid for the reception hall. (this was all last thursday) We finally sat down and talked about it after I calmed down and I thought everything was ok. He says he is now afraid every day that I"m going to drop that bomb on him again (that I'm not sure if I want to get married) I've told him I do love him etc and that I DO want to marry him. I decided to keep the sept date and he agreed to trim the guest list and told his mom is up to US who we invite and if SHE would like to keep adding people to the guest list she can pay for their dinner! So that problem is taken care of.

 

In a way, I know how he feels because after we got back together, I was gun shy and every time he said "we need to talk" or he seemed distant I freaked out and was terrified that he was going to end things again. It took me about a month of him being totally loving and understanding and everything for me to feel "safe' again. So maybe this is something he really really wants and I've shown doubts- I basically had a complaint about everything- of course I was upset by planning a wedding that is just going out of control, we hadn't discussed how we were going to handle finances recently (We talked about this a long time ago but I didn't know if he still had the same ideas). the thing about where to live was stressing me out, the thing about his son not wearing a seatbelt and jumping around in the car made me upset, his constant pressuring me to hurry up and get everything together for the wedding was bugging me and even little things like some of his habits (ones that didnt' bother me before) were brought up. So after that discussion I felt better because I had unloaded all of my worries but i just created all these new concerns for my fiance. He's most concerned that I'm going to leave him.

[lexi29]

To sum that up- yes I originally told him I wanted to CANCEL the wedding. After talking to him about things I changed my mind.

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh no need to give me a recap of your story - I remember it well and have read it all as it was unfolding. Firstly how dare he put that kind of guilt trip on you? You have never been anything but loving and faithful. Just because HE walked on you, does not mean you will do the same and frankly you do not deserve to be painted with that brush.

 

I completely understand all your fears. Firstly because he has a son you have always bent over backwards to do for him (them). You run to his house all the time, he doesn't come to yours, etc. I totally understand you possibly wondering if at any point anything will be yours. You have every right to wonder, ask etc.

 

I am also one of several voices here on L/S that was stunned at how quickly you are moving. He dumped you in October, was with the ex for a few weeks, so let's say you go back together in November. You then say you were gun shy for 2 months - that brings us to January, he proposes in February and you are getting married in September - look at that timeline, it is very accelerated!

 

And you are a people pleaser, so you are bending over backwards to make sure he is happy. And when you express your concerns he makes you feel guilty?! Lexi that is just BS. Is this how you are going to spend the rest of your life? Always walking on eggshells? Bending over backwards to always make him happy? Afraid that if you question anything he will make you feel guilty?!

 

Sorry but if I were there I would beg you to let me smack him upside the head! He needs to understand that if anything these baseless acusations are going to push you away. You did not at any time say you were leaving him, you said expressed your frustration at being overwhelmed that everything was going at lightening speed.

 

Please stand up for yourself. Go into this whole thing as partners - both as happy as the other at everything that is coming.

[lexi29]

That is why his "joking" is bothering me so much. He laughs and accuses me of this stuff (which I think are his real fears) and if I get mad and tell him that its bugging me he says what you can't take a joke? I don't really think that stuff so why are you getting upset? He will act like he is just messing with me and acts all innocent when I get upset. Its like he wants answers but feels the need to "joke" about his concerns. I've never done anything to him (cheating) but I did leave my fiance (we were together five years) to be with another guy. Of course we were engaged for 3 years before I did so and there were many many other issues in play back then. Also it was like 8 years ago. But in that respect yes, he does have legitimate concerns because the one time I've been engaged I freaked out and left the guy for someone else. Not defending him because personally I'd invite you to slap him upside head at this point, but he does have some legit concerns because of my past.

[curiousnycgirl]

No he doesn't, that was then and with a different guy. It has nothing to do with him and nothing to do with now.

 

Tell him that as a matter of fact on these topics no you cannot take a joke and if he has something to say just say it. It is neither cute nor funny and frankly it is alenating and offputting.

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh and if I recall correctly you wanted to cancel the wedding because of all the pressures being put on you (either by yourself or others). You are concerned about your parents' future, you are concerned about your own financial future, you've never wanted a wedding, you would prefer to use the money on a house, etc. etc.

 

In all your many posts I do not remember you ever saying you did not want to marry him, however I have read plenty that tells me you have concerns with exactly how this is all unfolding.

 

See I've been listening - but I don't think he has been.

[hotgurl]

Lexi,

It is really unfair of him to "joke" like that it is a manipulation tatic. so he can say what he wants but when you get mad he can always say can't you take a joke.

 

If he does that agin I would say yes I can but you weren't joking you were taking veiled jabs at me and it is disrepectful.

 

again postpone the wedding a year and go to pre martial counseling

[lexi29]

In all your many posts I do not remember you ever saying you did not want to marry him, however I have read plenty that tells me you have concerns with exactly how this is all unfolding.

 

See I've been listening - but I don't think he has been.

 

 

i totally agree!

[stillafool]

I hate it when people are "joking" while all the time telling you what they really think. He was serious about everything he said and is trying to make you crazy. The next time he says something to you in a "joking manner", ask him flat out if he is joking or making a statement. If he says he is "joking" just laugh it off and don't give him an answer. If he asks again tell him a joke doesn't require an answer but if you want to talk to me in a serious manner I will talk to you.

[laRubiaBonita]

i think you both are acting as mature, or less, as the 8 year old; which could be why the 8yr. old is acting out now... you two do it.

 

you want to do your thing, sleep in your bed, hang with your friends..... but it is not ok for your fiance to do some things he wants to do on HIS free weekend from HIS son?

 

you both need to start acting as a team, you BOTH have made a promise to do that, you say you want to do that- get married. just because you aren't married YET does not give the both of you the liberty to act as if you are single still.

 

yes you can each have some free time, down time, but right now it as if you each are choosing your free time to spite the other. how long will this be an acceptable option?

 

i do not doubt that you love this guy, but i would feel a sense of rejection if i was told i do not want to marry you now. you say it is more of a financial issue on your end, but you are not acting that way.

look at it through your fiance's eyes... you say yes, then you say wait- not now, then you (in the same week) start seeing him less frequently, you forget your ring(an extension of him- even if it was an innocent mistake).

i would, if i were him, feel some hostility, especially because your actions are not matching up with your words, and i would ger sarcastic too.

 

in fact ever since you have gotten engaged, all you have done is complain or state your doubts, fears and frustrations.... and it is good that your are, cause it would suck to get married only to get a divorce.

 

i feel worse for the kid, he has had to watch all this, he gets shuffled around, he wants you to be his mom, but you do not even want to spend easter with him? i would act up too.

 

get counseling.

[lexi29]

i think you both are acting as mature, or less, as the 8 year old; which could be why the 8yr. old is acting out now... you two do it.

 

 

 

you want to do your thing, sleep in your bed, hang with your friends..... but it is not ok for your fiance to do some things he wants to do on HIS free weekend from HIS son?

 

you both need to start acting as a team, you BOTH have made a promise to do that, you say you want to do that- get married. just because you aren't married YET does not give the both of you the liberty to act as if you are single still.

 

yes you can each have some free time, down time, but right now it as if you each are choosing your free time to spite the other. how long will this be an acceptable option?

 

i do not doubt that you love this guy, but i would feel a sense of rejection if i was told i do not want to marry you now. you say it is more of a financial issue on your end, but you are not acting that way.

look at it through your fiance's eyes... you say yes, then you say wait- not now, then you (in the same week) start seeing him less frequently, you forget your ring(an extension of him- even if it was an innocent mistake).

i would, if i were him, feel some hostility, especially because your actions are not matching up with your words, and i would ger sarcastic too.

 

in fact ever since you have gotten engaged, all you have done is complain or state your doubts, fears and frustrations.... and it is good that your are, cause it would suck to get married only to get a divorce.

 

i feel worse for the kid, he has had to watch all this, he gets shuffled around, he wants you to be his mom, but you do not even want to spend easter with him? i would act up too.

 

get counseling.

 

 

Thanks for the response. I appreciate your opinion even if I don't agree with all of it. I've only been engaged a little over a month and my fiance seems to think a wedding can be totally planned in a month so thats why I've been so stressed out. I do see his side (feeling insecure because of me saying maybe we need to slow down or not get married in Sept.) but at the same time there is no reason for him to be "joking" with me all the time. The other thing about me wanting to do my own thing, sleep in my own bed etc. - I go see him EVERY day after work. I drive 1/2 hr to his house, spend time with him and his son and then go home every night. On Easter, I DID see him and his son. I spent time with them and hid eggs for his son. I also helped him color eggs the day before. I was supposed to go back to their place after I did some stuff at home (Sundays we normally don't see eachother at all as it is our one day to spend time with family or friends or for me to catch up on housework at my place (My fiance is not allowed there as my roommate who owns the house I live in does not like kids and does not allow them in her house.) I do WAY more than his son's own mother does for him. HIs mom did not even call him on Easter or send him a card or anything. Unless it is her weekend of FORCED visitation she does not act like he exists.

 

There is also a BIG difference between me wanting to not spend the night in order to sleep in my own bed and catch up on some sleep and my fiance wanting to hang out with his friends and go to a strip club!! BIG DIFFERENCE. And I don't ever see my friends unless my fiance is with me. My mom visited the other day and I brought my fiance's son along with me because he didnt' have school. So I rarely ever get any free time to myself and in my opinion my fiance should want to spend his free weekend with ME not with his buddies at a strip club.

 

Anyway for the most part everything has calmed down. My fiance has stopped making "jokes" and we met with the caterer yesterday- Great lady! So other than some problems with his son everything is going pretty well- oh and he agreed he won't be going to see any strippers with his friends. So everything is going pretty well compared to earlier.

[laRubiaBonita]

good, glad things are better.

 

i too am getting married in sept. and have been engaged since the beginning of feb. too!

 

all i have done is my first dress fitting, which was yesterday, so see y'all are doing good with your planning!

[lexi29]

good, glad things are better.

 

i too am getting married in sept. and have been engaged since the beginning of feb. too!

 

all i have done is my first dress fitting, which was yesterday, so see y'all are doing good with your planning!

 

 

Congratulations! I bet you are excited. Do you feel stressed at all planning the wedding in the short amount of time? I know I do! I haven't even picked my dress out yet so you are ahead of me. We just have the reception hall, dj, caterer, bartender etc. done so far. And the guest list. Good luck with everything!

[laRubiaBonita]

Congratulations! I bet you are excited. Do you feel stressed at all planning the wedding in the short amount of time? I know I do! I haven't even picked my dress out yet so you are ahead of me. We just have the reception hall, dj, caterer, bartender etc. done so far. And the guest list. Good luck with everything!

 

i have the dress, that is about it... and my pastor, and the church. we are having the reception at my parents house, so they are in charge of home improvement items, and my guy and i are going to be doing yard work most week ends....

 

we are struggling to get save the date's sent, and i do not even want to think about the invitations yet.

 

but yes, i am feeling a little stressed. but i was feeling it more.

 

we also are in the process of upgrading his home, because we want to move- but that is in the further future

[Mary3]

Do NOT marry this guy right now ! He is operating on fear , has in the past and can you imagine marrying this insecure, mentally abusive man ?

 

When he says :" I french kissed Sheila last night ~ Oh Just kidding " He's really not kidding . Thats what they say about people who fear saying something and adding ~ Just Kidding ! behind it...

 

Thats how he is pushing you out now and punishing you with shocking words that hurt. He is ending this thing because he thinks you want it over , that you are cheating , that you don't want to be married and all the stuff that was said Thursday.

 

It matters * not * that you were tired and overstressed. You said it to someone who's not mature or stable enough to understand you were just stressed and over tired. You will spend the rest of your days now trying to convince him......

 

I say take a break and let him miss you........

[sb129]

Lexi, I think you are moving too fast.

 

Your R has had so many stressors placed on it recently, whats wrong with slowing things down and just reconnecting and enjoying the relationship?

 

You have posted so much about your doubts and fears- I am getting married at the end of the year, and so far it has been plain sailing.

We also live together, and I know some other people disagree with this, but I think living together before you get married is really important.

 

I think you should aim to move in together by September, and maybe plan the wedding if that goes well.

 

You shouldn't go through with it if you have this many doubts.