Disappointed in my father

[Lynz]

My name is Lynsey, I'm 19 years old, and I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am disappointed in my father. For years I thought of him as an idol, as a very complex but great man, but now I have finally seen that he is a disappointment.

I don't mean to be hard on him. He did a good job of bringing me and my brother up, but as a person I have issues with him.

For a start, he is exceedingly immature. He is approaching his 54th birthday and he still acts like a child. He has always been immature, but it is only now that I have grown up I can actually see it properly. Obviously when one is a child themself they cannot recognise someone else being immature, but I see it in my father. He likes to make jokes at the expense of others, he frequently belittles my mother. He doesn't mean it in a nasty way, he just means it as a joke, but when we mention that it upsets us he just brushes it off that we are overreacting.

He does have emotional issues. He has hardly ever shown his emotions. He internalises everything, and it is because of this that he has been on and off anti-depressants for most of my life, although I only discovered that recently. He has immense difficulty in showing his emotions. The only time which springs to mind that he has ever said he was proud of me and he loves me is at a family meal on my eighteenth birthday in which he was on the brink of tears. (I was already crying), But he only made this little speech because my mother practically forced him to.

He also has no motivation to do anything. He works full time as a careworker, he enjoys his job but it doesn't earn us enough money so my mother has to work many hours to be able to afford to do things, and she is diabetic and overworks herself. I've tried telling him to find a better job, but he has no qualifications. I also tell him to apply for some home-learning courses, but he just turns his nose up at the idea. He has never studied in his life, the only O-Level he got was one in Art. He was going to go to art college but decided against it at the last minute, even though his uncle said he would pay all of his fees. He is a very talented artist, but he hasn't painted anything in years. I think I've inherited a bit of his talent, but when I ask him to teach me how to paint he promises he will, but I'm still waiting for him to come up to me one day and say 'Lynsey sit down I'm going to teach you how to draw something.'

I try and get him involved in the things I do. I'm very much into drama, singing, and theatre. I'm also very into reading books and things, I asked him one day if I gave him a book would he read it, he said no, and I said 'dad why don't you take an interest in the things I am interested in?', he replied with 'I do take an interest in what you like but I'm not going to start reading bloody books.' All he likes to do with his free time is play computer games, which is an endless cause of arguments in our house.

I don't blame him somewhat for his lack of encouragement. He is one of five children and he was born into a relatively poor background, my grandfather was a retired second-world war soldier, and my grandmother a young Italian woman who spent most of her time bringing up all the children and learning English. She hardly ever worked because there was so much stuff to do, my grandfather had a full time job working at the docks but times were hard in those days. I don't think my father was ever shown any encouragement in anything he did.

I don't mean to be unfair. He has been a good father to me and my brother and I know I could have been landed with a lot worse. He doesn't drink, smoke, beat my mother, beat us, steal, cheat etc.

But I just wonder if I can change him in some way. To take an active interest in what I do, to show his emotions more, to not be afraid to turn around and say 'Lynsey I love you and I'm proud of you.', to try and get qualifications so he can get a better job so my diabetic mother doesn't have to get up at 5am every morning to go to work, to stop being immature, and to just be a better person. I think about this every day. I love my father very much, of course I do, otherwise I wouldn't get so upset and write messages like these on an internet site because of it. But at the same time I am disappointed in him, and I don't want to remember my father in that way.

 

Lynsey.

[whichwayisup]

Accept your dad for who he is. Seems he has a zest in him, and he is young at heart. Love him unconditionally, like he does for you and your siblings. He is who he is and sorry to tell ya this, he shouldn't have to change because he embarresses you. You're 19 years old, live your life and focus on you.

 

Another thought, I lost my father due to cancer in 1993, I'd give ANYTHING for him to come back. Just keep that in mind..You have a father who does love you, yet he is just a unique person and set in his ways. He won't change and yeah, he can do minor adjustments, but you can't ask him to change WHO he is. All you can do is put up with quirks or if you can't, then don't spend time with him.