I'm too shy, and I need to stop it.

[Roselein]

I'm 13, and I'm really shy with strangers, and it's been happening for too long and I just want to fix it once and for all. I'm not shy at all with my friends, I'm completely open to them. But especially when I meet older people, I tend to be more shy than meeting people of my own age, because somehow I have this belief that 'older people are more mature and their status is 'higher' than me'. Inside, I know this is so untrue, but I don't know what to do to fix that.

 

Besides that being the big big problem, I also just can't TALK. Like to boys for example, I can talk to the ones in my class pretty much fine, but for guys in my orchestra who I've been seeing every week for two years, I just can't TALK to them. Like, they ask me a question, and if it's a yes or no I just shrug and for other questions, I can't reply. Inside my head I have a comment/reply to make, but it just doesn't come out. I try saying to myself, saying that I WILL talk next time, but it never happens...

 

One thing is sure though, I get along fine with chattery people. They chat a lot to a lot of people (even strangers probably), and sure, that gets me into the mood and I'm with them too. But then that doesn't work with other shy people like me, or really, anyone who doesn't make many comments or talk a lot to people they don't quite know.

 

ANOTHER thing is that I can't look at people in the eye. Yes, of course to my friends, and people in my class (once again) but not to strangers, people in my orchestra, even my piano teacher. It sucks like hell. Again, I don't know how to fix this...

 

I think the reason for this shy-ness thing is partly because I depend a lot on social networks like Facebook and Bebo to talk to other people, so I pretty much end up talking to them through Facebook online, and not talking to them at all outside in real life. I mean, that's so pathetic, it just makes me feel so ashamed. And I don't WANT to feel like that. I've already deleted my Bebo two months ago, but just to experiment or something should I de-activate my Facebook acount, and see if that makes me talk more?

 

I need to solve this problem because I play the piano and violin, and am planning to be a violinist/pianist when I grow up and I can't afford to be shy when meeting new people, OR to any people in my life now, even to boys

 

It's just irritating, and I just want to stop it right now, but I don't know how. My mom considers to take me to a therapist specialized in hypnotism, and I have no problem with that at all because I want to stop it so badly. Please...help

[Storyrider]

First of all, don't be too hard on yourself. You're only 13, and there is plenty of time. Some confidence will just come naturally with life experience.

 

Some of your shyness comes down to having a more introverted personality. You can't change your personality, but you can change how you respond to your emotions and anxiety when you're talking to someone. Just note to yourself, "Aha, I'm feeling anxious now. I recognize that feeling, but it is OK." As you gain confidence with practice, your anxiety will lessen.

 

One thing that helped me tremendously when I was younger, was learning how to ask people questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, so you can lead the conversation to be about them. When you learn how to do this through practice, it will make things so much easier. Ask people any little thing about themselves, where they go to school or where they work, what they had for lunch, what kind of music they like, anything.

 

Lastly, try not to over-think every encounter and conversation. It sounds like you're analyzing and being hyper critical of yourself to the extent that you're shutting yourself down. Focus on the other person, making them feel comfortable, and learning about them. Imagine you're doing a research project that requires you to learn about others. This takes the focus off you.

[carhill]

Is a quiet, reserved demeanor a female cultural norm in Hong Kong? My experiences with Asian women during my travels have been such, at least with myself as a stranger. I actually find the behavior attractive and a little mysterious

 

As someone who was very shy as a young person, my best advice is to immerse yourself in society. Purposely put yourself in situations where you'll be meeting new people. Don't overwhelm yourself. My bet is you can size up people pretty well, so use that gift and cherry-pick a few who strike you as comfortable.

 

Personally, I'd be fascinated to learn more about your music and skills and future, so, when you meet people who express interest in you like that, don't be afraid to gush a little about your passions. The combination of their interest in you and your passion for what you're talking about will have you looking right in their eyes in no time whatsoever. It's called connection. When you have it with a boy, all the work will pay off in spades.

 

BTW, older people are more mature. "Status" may not be relevant, but wisdom and life experience is, and you'd be smart to pay attention to those aspects of "older people". You'll learn a lot and they can help you with your shyness.

 

Good luck!