knudsj01 Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 If a breakup was mutual, ended peacefully and both want to work towards being platonic friends is no contact necessary to do that? I'm in this exact situation and trying very hard to move from my romantic feelings to just friends. This kind of breakup is very new to me, I'm not used to a non-confrontational ending where the guy still wants to talk, hang out and be friends. It's been 2 weeks since the breakup and we still talk every day or every 2 days, even if only briefly. I usually feel good when talking to him, but the feeling only lasts for a few hours then I just feel sad again knowing that we aren't together, even though I know this is the right thing. He wants to be there for me during this time, but I'm starting to wonder if it's actually making it harder to move to friendship. I'm not sure what to do. I'm worried stopping all contact will ruin any friendship we could have but I'm also worried that if I don't I won't be able to stop my romantic thoughts. Should I just ween myself off of him rather than stop contact all together? We have many of the same friends and hang out in the same social circle so cutting off contact completely is almost impossible unless I want to give up my friends and social life. Anyone been in this situation before? Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) NC... NC is up to you. A lot of LS members advocate NC because at least from our experience, as hard as doing NC is it's a lot more helpful with helping us move on with our lives. It's hard to say goodbye without having a real period of goodbye and then just jumping into being platonic right away. This is kind of cheesy, but it's quite true that sometimes we have to say goodbye so we can say hello again. Also: I usually feel good when talking to him, but the feeling only lasts for a few hours then I just feel sad again knowing that we aren't together, even though I know this is the right thing. He wants to be there for me during this time, but I'm starting to wonder if it's actually making it harder to move to friendship. I got tired of feeling that sadness, which is why I chose to go NC. Personally, two weeks into a break up is too soon to jump into a friendship, no matter how mutual this break-up is. That's why whenever I see friends who are able to do that with their exes, I wonder at their steadfastness; but as it always seems to be so, nothing is what it seems... It's good to see that there's a mutual willingness to work a friendship out. If you're that determined, then constantly remind yourself that he's just a friend now, he's just a friend now, he's just a friend now, and mean it. That you're thinking that working out a friendship this soon might be a hindrance to your healing process is something that merits a lot of thought and consideration without factoring him. I'm assuming that this isn't necessary, but yes. Going NC is hard. It hurts. I still miss him after all this time. Good luck! I hope things work out for you. Edited March 26, 2008 by 0hpenelope added more stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Starsky Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 If the two of you do truly want to be just friends, then NC isn't required. However, if you or your ex have a hidden agenda (staying friends in hopes that you will reconcile one day), then it is best to go NC. Best of luck, Starsky. Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I read your other post yesterday, so I understand a bit of the background. It's a mutual break-up, you know in your head that it's the only way, but you've fallen for this man. I think that it's not possible for you to just be friends with him at this time. Being with him must be bittersweet because you want to spend time with him, but you want it to mean more than it does. Plus the fact that he doesn't seem to be bothered by the situation must also be painful. What happens if he starts dating someone else? Do you really want to be there to watch that? Maybe it's possible to be friends in the future, but you hav to get over this first. I don't think it's possible to wean yourself gradually away from him. That said, I'm just speaking from my own experience. I know that I couldn't just be friends with him, although it would be the toughest thing in the world to cut off contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I think it is a huge risk to stay emotionally close with someone that has a free pass to date other people - that's kinda something that ya don't necessarily want court-side seats for! If you know the person and honestly think that staying friends gives you a better shot than NC, then roll the dice. The big problem here is logic... The kind of person that is still getting a lot from you as a friend is probably that rare case where NC would bring him sprinting (then crawling) back to you? Not much help on this I know, but this one is a real toughie! Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 It seems like it's only hurting you to stay "friends," hoping for something more. NC might be the best thing to do to heal yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 Initiating NC depends on how emotionally attached you were to the person. In your situation, you're still emotionally attached, while he has completely placed you in the friendship zone. I think for your sake, it's best to go without contact for a few days to distance yourself emotionally from him. It's easier for him to still stay in contact with you because his mind set is already platonic, while you still hold on to the fact that you might reconcile with him. I think you could be friends with him, but at this moment maintaining too much contact with him is only hurting you more than it does him. Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I think you could be friends with him, but at this moment maintaining too much contact with him is only hurting you more than it does him. Good point ~ maybe they could have a trial NC? I don't think it would be unreasonable to set aside a month of NC for the sake of setting up grounds for a friendship. It might serve one of the (hopefully not both) purposes - he might miss you enough in that time to to want more and/or it may provide enough space to take the sting out of being his friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author knudsj01 Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 I have no intentions of trying to get back together with him. Knowing that we don't want the same things makes getting back together a unwise decission I think. Right now I'm trying to focus on changing my feelings about him and moving to friendship only. That is the only logical choice I think unless I want to breakup all over again later down the road. Having children someday is not something I will change my mind on, nor will he change his on not wanting them so I think its best for us to move on and work on being friends only. He knows this as well which is why I doubt he would come crawling back although I'm sure he'd be up for FWB something I'm just not ok with doing and he knows that. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to move from romantic feelings to platonic. Very hard to just shut it off. Believe me, I wish I had a magic switch. It's hard to all of a sudden act differently when for the last 4 months I've acted like his girlfriend. I know I can switch to friends eventually, just not sure how to go about doing it. And while I'm a little worried about how I will feel when he starts dating others it's something I know I have to accept as we just aren't right for eachother. Patience isn't something I'm very good at and I know its only been 2 weeks, just trying to figure out the best and fastest way to do this without losing him as a friend in the process. Maybe no contact is the way to go, at least for a while. My problem is how do I do that when we hang out in the same social circle and have the same friends? It makes having no contact very hard. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to move from romantic feelings to platonic. ... Maybe no contact is the way to go, at least for a while. My problem is how do I do that when we hang out in the same social circle and have the same friends? It makes having no contact very hard. I think that when most of us advocate NC, we almost always refer to not initiating contact with the ex and not responding to text messages / e-mails / IMs / phone calls / snail mail (does anyone still do that nowadays?) sent by the ex, especially for requests to hang out together w/o other friends around (Not assuming he's done that to you, of course). No, that totally slows down the "getting over" process - their mere presence is a hindrance in itself. Of course you can't avoid the ex when you're hanging out with mutual friends, so keep things light and distant with him when you guys are around each other. In general, being around who was once your romantic interest is not conducive to your ultimate goal - which is to shut off those romantic feelings. So go NC. That's the general perspective around these forums, I've found. To anyone who's able to shut off the feelings while staying friends, well... more power to them. Yes, we believe you that if there's a Magic Switch you would've used it. But there isn't one, as you've said - that's why a lot of us are on LS. Good luck, ok? I hope things go well with whatever you decide to do and above all, take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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