me understand: GF's overbearing mom

[Jellyhead]

I'm having a serious problem with my girlfriend's relationship with her controlling mother. I hope someone here can help me understand and accept the situation I find myself in!

 

We're in our mid-20s and have been together for about a year. For the most part, it's a fantastic relationship - we get on great, have an active sex life, love each other very much and have talked about getting married. But the one thing that's driving a wedge between us is my feeling that I'm always second-best to her mother's demands.

 

This issue has come to a head when I got a new job recently and moved to a new apartment about an hour's drive away. My GF, who lives with her parents, was supposed to come with me and live with me part-time - you know, two or three days a week. I knew that her mom - who apparently wants her daughter to stay locked in her bedroom until the day she's married - would have a serious problem with this. I warned her that her mom would flip out the first time she tried to spend the night with me.

 

In the face of this, my GF was adamant. She said she would stand up to her mom no matter what and assured me I wouldn't be moving on my own. "I wouldn't do that to you," she said.

 

Well, guess what? Yep - the first time she tried to spend the night here, her mom flipped out, and my gf caved in. That was two weeks ago. She's not tried to stay over again, and she admits she doesn't know when she will have the courage to try again. Maybe in a couple of months(!)

 

(For most of our year-long relationship, I lived on my own in an apartment near to my gf. During that time, she wouldn't spent the night with me at my apartment, because she feared her mother's reaction. She did it a few times, but only after lying to her mom and saying she was staying elsewhere.)

 

I'm having a real hard time with this. I can get over the fact that she let me down by promising to come with and failing to deliver, but I'm really bothered by the fact that she's can't stand up to her mother and lives under her thumb. Frankly, I've lost an awful lot of respect for her. She's a 25-year-old woman who allows herself to be treated like a child. I'm an adult, and I want to have an adult relationship with another adult, FFS!!!

 

Please help! I don't necessarily need advice - just insight. Anyone here who has lived with an overbearing and controlling parent and who can help me understand what my gf is going through? I definitely don't want to break up over this, but I'm so angry, bitter and fed-up. I don't understand why she finds it so difficult to just do what she wants and not care if her mom's mad...

 

Thanks for reading.

[E90Kitz721]

Okay, not giving advise here, but I must say that the "problem", if you can call it that, lies with your gf, not her mother. Your gf just needs to move out. I was like her when I still stayed at home, having to lie to sleep over because my parents were both protective. I slowly tried to "train" them to let me stay over by coming home really late, say at 4am, but they kept calling me and lecturing me. Then I got fed up and moved out when I went back to grad school. Let's just say I'm SO glad I did. Things are SO much easier now, and my parents don't monitor or find out my whereabouts at all. We can freely take weekend trips without having to report to anyone. It actually improves my relationship with my parents because I feel I'm treated like an adult

 

I think as long as your gf lives under the same roof as her parents, she's gotta live by their rules and sleep in her own bed, or at least not in a guy's. So if your gf is able to move out (financially), she should definitely consider it. It's about that time anyway. Her mom may resent it at first and think you're the reason, but they can't do anything about it and eventually will give in. If that's the only reason that makes you think her mother is controlling, there's not much you need to worry about. Out of sight, out of mind.