Falling out of love with an abuser

[VZ2561]

I recently had to break up with my abusive boyfriend. He has threatened my life on multiple occasions and man handled me. He is emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive.

 

Before I started dating him, I cherished my independence and respected myself. Now, I feel so lost. I feel like I need him in my life.

 

How can I make myself stop loving him? How can I make myself not care. I have read many articles and believe that he truly did not love me--he was just controlling me. I know the facts, but how can I change how I feel? I still feel like this is the guy that I love. Why do I love someone like that? He still begs me to come back to him and promises he will change (which I know he wont).

 

Help! I am desperate for advice, and I am an emotional wreck. My strength and independence have vanished. What can I do to prevent myself from going back to this self-destructive relationship and make my HEART (not my brain) realize that he is not the one?

[carhill]

The answers lie within yourself. Is this a pattern for you?

 

Can you participate in individual counseling? I think such would be an enormous help to you.

 

Also, try journaling. Write down your feelings and remembrances (both positive and negative) about the relationship. I often find the act of writing/typing and later reading the words brings clarity.

 

Call a friend

[underpants]

How long were you two together?

 

How long has it been since you have been broken up?

 

Honestly the only thing that can clear your head (remove those unhealthy attachments) is time away from him. No contact and ignoring him (even if he contacts you). Just be determined to 'be done'.

 

Once you get some true time and distance away from him you will get back to the person that you were. One day you feel and think (what was I thinking?).

 

Research some articles on abusive relationships and inform yourself. Self knowledge of how you came to become involved in a bad situation should help you become self aware and more clear about how to emotionally remove yourself from a toxic relationship. Maybe even how to seek a healthier one in time.

 

No one should put up with being abused, and you know that...your heart has to catch up...and, it will. The key is time and distance combined with some introspection.

 

Stay strong and be gone.

[Precious K]

VZ2561,

I can tell you for a fact its not easy. My ex was mentally and emotionally abusive to me. I stuck by him for 5yrs. Nothing changed! He never touched me but he made sure to take all my independence away. I come to realize that I gave him that control. I finally stood up to him. I told him what he did to me and that he didn't love me. He came to realize what he was doing to me when I left him and someone else began to treat me with love and respect. It's like someone made him realize what he was doing to me.

You have control of your life, you cant do anything about how he is. All you can do is leave him for your well being. You need to learn to love yourself again and be strong enough to see that he isn't healthy for you.

He wont change, my ex didn't. He just found a way to still abuse me in a whole different manner. I still love this guy so can you fall out of love with your dude, no! It takes time a lot of time. You may go back and still have that glimpse of "maybe" or the "what if he does mean it this time". You need to stop yourself and see what he has really done to you. Respect yourself to not take it anymore!

I've learn to see it as "he doesn't really love me because he puts me through all of this misery. He will never change, but I can change who I'm with"

[Lizzie60]

WOW....

 

He has threatened my life on multiple occasions and man handled me. He is emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive.

 

Before I started dating him, I cherished my independence and respected myself. Now, I feel so lost. I feel like I need him in my life.

What happened to you??? Why did you let him abuse you? Come on.. you need to regain that independance.. RIGHT NOW!!!!!

 

How can I make myself stop loving him? How can I make myself not care.

 

That should be easy.. just reread the first part of your thread.. This guy is a jerk.. he will only bring you pain and suffering.. he's not worth it. NO MEN/WOMEN on earth is worth it..

 

I have read many articles and believe that he truly did not love me--he was just controlling me.

 

You're right.. he's NOT loving you... he loves to control you..

 

He still begs me to come back to him and promises he will change (which I know he wont).

 

You're a smart girl... he WON'T change.. this type of jerks (losers, abusers) know what kind of women they can abuse.. and they will always abuse them.. if you get your confidence back .. first.. you won't feel anything for this 'worm' plus he won't abuse you... they don't abuse strong women.

 

What can I do to prevent myself from going back to this self-destructive relationship and make my HEART (not my brain) realize that he is not the one?

 

Lock yourself up if you need to.. give your head a shake.. get someone to kick your butt.. but please move on..

 

If you stay with him.. knowing what you know... and being the smart woman you are.. then you deserve him.. don't complain!

[Queequeg]

Hey, I've been in a similar situation.

 

It's very admirable that you had the courage to leave him, because some victims of abuse cannot. You are also very fortunate to not be married to him, or have children together. Makes it a lot easier to escape every realm of his control.

 

Educate yourself as much as possible on abusers and their distorted ways of thinking. Work on realizing that you are powerless to change who he is, but you can change yourself, and hopefully you will get the courage to do it! But be prepared for him to try and sabotage your plans. He might feign illness, or he might "hoover" you by asking you to marry him. He wants to keep you isolated and dependent on him.

 

This is an awesome website on abuse: http://www.drirene.com/. Lots of useful information, and a very supportive message board ("CatBox") where there are lots of other people who have been through, or are going through the same thing.

 

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book on the subject of controlling, abusive men. I have read it myself, and was very dumbfounded by just how much my ex had manipulated me to think that everything was my fault.

 

Don't feel guilty for loving him, it is very normal. The objective is to realize how sick he really is, and that the person you loved isn't who you thought he was.

 

It's going to be really hard right now, but your strength will build up if you actively pursue recovery. Take care and keep busy!

[mistie03]

Hey, I've been in a similar situation.

 

It's very admirable that you had the courage to leave him, because some victims of abuse cannot. You are also very fortunate to not be married to him, or have children together. Makes it a lot easier to escape every realm of his control.

 

Educate yourself as much as possible on abusers and their distorted ways of thinking. Work on realizing that you are powerless to change who he is, but you can change yourself, and hopefully you will get the courage to do it! But be prepared for him to try and sabotage your plans. He might feign illness, or he might "hoover" you by asking you to marry him. He wants to keep you isolated and dependent on him.

 

This is an awesome website on abuse: http://www.drirene.com/. Lots of useful information, and a very supportive message board ("CatBox") where there are lots of other people who have been through, or are going through the same thing.

 

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book on the subject of controlling, abusive men. I have read it myself, and was very dumbfounded by just how much my ex had manipulated me to think that everything was my fault.

 

Don't feel guilty for loving him, it is very normal. The objective is to realize how sick he really is, and that the person you loved isn't who you thought he was.

 

It's going to be really hard right now, but your strength will build up if you actively pursue recovery. Take care and keep busy!

 

Excellent advice, Queenqueg. Those books and websites are a good place to start.

 

Being bonded and in love with someone that is abusive usually comes from our childhood experiences (our family of origin). Were you treated badly as a child? There is a book, "Betrayal Bond" written by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. He explains how people become bonded to abusers. Most of them have abuse in their past of some sort. He talks about how to free yourself from an exploitive relationship. If you can get an understanding of what is happening, that could help prevent you from getting into another abusive relationship. Sometimes the patterns can repeat over and over.

 

Good luck to you. You don't deserve to be treated so badly. Your bf has issues and he needs to work on his himself. They are not your problem. He won't change. If anything, he will only get worse. He sounds dangerous. Be careful! Leaving is the most dangerous time. Some abusers become stalkers after you leave them.