What is okay, and what isn't?

[misterbadluck]

My gf and I have lived together for over two years and are raising our respective children (fyi-no kids together, we each have one of our own.) She works as a bartender in a busy club that is 99% males and she tells me how much she gets harassed and hit on by most of them on a nightly basis. It's been hard for me, being jealous by nature, to be with a very attractive girl who works in this sort of profession (she has only been working there for a year of our relationship, before that she taught Sunday school at church...). All of her friends are her co-workers at the bar, and they go out on a regular basis to other clubs (without me, of course), and we have gone through several rocky periods between us because of my not wanting her to go out drinking and dancing so much.

 

Currently things have been going well; she has limited her partying and focused on our relationship a bit more. But just the other day she told me that she was going down to work to hang out and drink, even though she's not scheduled to work. She tells me that she never gets an opportunity to drink there since she is only there working and that she wants to spend time with some of her patrons and co-workers, and I'm not invited. We end up getting into a bitter argument because I asked her if she would respect me enough to not dress as sexy as she usually does (seeing as she will be getting intoxicated and dancing with a bunch of guys while I'm at home with our kids). She tells me I'm controlling, insecure, and that she knows herself well enough to know what she is capable of doing. And since I obviously think she is someone else, that maybe I should remember this incident when she eventually 'leaves my jealous a**'.

 

Am I being disrespectful of her by not feeling okay with this sort of situation? Or is she being disrespectful of me by not listening to my feelings?

 

I need help because I love her and it seems everything I say or do is wrong.

[shanny]

When someone says to you, "I'm going to a bar and you cannot come along", it is ususally a sign that they are hiding something. Does she give you a reason why you can't come? You guys are partners and you shouldn't be told, "no, you can't come" especially when she is dressed provactive and going out drinking with other guys. Now, if this was like a girls night out, that would be different, but it's not. There will be other guys there so you should be able to go.

 

It sounds like you guys differ a lot in what you like to do in your spare time. It really helps things when you have more in common. But in conclusion, I think she's totally out of line, and possibly hiding something.

[Siphon9a]

It sounds to me like you've lost the lead position of the relationship and are now worried about her being truthful to you. Now she's throwing leaving you in the picture? Sounds like you guys don't have any boundaries set as to the feelings of one another. Either that, or she doesn't care that it hurts you when she does these things because her fun is more important that trying to work to understand each other. If it were me, I'd find a way to be the lead role in the relationship. Some things I have read here and on other sites have opened my eyes up alot. I actually tested these ideas last night and by my suprise, it worked exactly as it was explained. You can take the assertive role right back for yourself and be the "man" of the relationship. If she's not okay with it, I'd find someone else.

[mark982]

surprise her, get a baby sitter and show up at the bar. if she starts yelling at you, you have all the answers you need.

[Moose]

It sounds to me like you've lost the lead position of the relationship / If it were me, I'd find a way to be the lead role in the relationship.

Uh oh.....I sense a big misleading here......come on LS community.....one or the other in a relationship should NEVER, ever consider themselves in the, "Lead Position".

 

Relationships are 100/100. There is no pecking order for cripes sake......geeeezzz...

 

Topic at hand:

 

Your live in girlfriend, (I'm against this but.....) goes out while you sit with her child......?

 

Totally unacceptable.

 

Time to turn the table friend. Turn about is fair play is she wants to play this game. You go out with the boys, and leave her with your child a few times. Whether or not you enjoy these things, play it up and give her a taste of her own medicine.

[Bryanp]

Why would you wish to be in a relationship with a woman who disrespects you like this? If you do not respect yourself then who will. Her comments indicate that she is a player. Why do you put up with this? Surely you can find somebody better than this.