zman Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 Say there is this guy you know, he's in his mid 30's. Never married, no kids. Has had a couple long term relationships over the past 5 years but that's it. Still rents a house with two other guys in their early to mid 30's. Everything else being equal, would you want to go out with this guy? Or would the fact that he hasn't had many girlfriends and/or still rents a house with two guys raise a red flag for you? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 The lack of relationships wouldn't bother me. Does this hypothetical guy go on dates? Still rents a house with two other guys in their early to mid 30's. I wouldn't call this a red flag, but I'd wonder why he still wants roommates when he's in his mid 30s. Roommates seem very "20s" to me, a way to save money until you get your feet on the ground. I'd wonder why he wasn't either (a) renting his own place, or (b) owning a place by this point in time. But I'd probably still go out with him--it's a minor pink flag, but nothing horrendous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted July 14, 2003 Author Share Posted July 14, 2003 Originally posted by clia The lack of relationships wouldn't bother me. Does this hypothetical guy go on dates? He goes on dates but not a lot, and for the past year or so they haven't gone past the second date with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 they haven't gone past the second date with anyone. Why not? Did hypothetical guy (HG) decide not to call the girls again for whatever reason? Were the girls not interested in HG? Is HG too picky? Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 A couple long term relationships over the past 5 years, okay, that's fine. Are these the only 2 long term relationships he's EVER had? The fact that he's renting a house w/ roommates. Hmmm. To be perfectly honest with you, I myself generally don't invest much time getting to know a guy who's in his 30s who doesn't live on his own....for several reasons: a) I myself am a very independent gal, I love my own space, having my own home, not having to answer to anyone...I'd appreciate finding a guy who felt the same way b) Why does he have roommates? Is it because he's not financially stable enough to support himself? If not, why not? Cuz you'd think by that age, the guy would have something to show for himself...if nothing else, his own place (whether it be a rental or one he owns) c) Is he still back in his early 20s, back in the "party with the boys" stage....like the Frat house kind of deal.......I guess for some reason I always immediately envision this big party house when I think of a guy that age living with other guys..... I'd likely date him, though, if we had enough other things in common/on similar wavelengths in other regards....but I'd definitely want to know what his long term goals were and if he was "satisfied" to not live independently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted July 14, 2003 Author Share Posted July 14, 2003 Originally posted by clia Why not? Did hypothetical guy (HG) decide not to call the girls again for whatever reason? Were the girls not interested in HG? Is HG too picky? Good questions, probably a combination of all the above. Sometimes, he decides he's not interested, other times, the girl's not interested, sometimes it's mutual. I'm sure the girls he's not interested in would say he's too picky, but not the other ones. So is it better for a guy to not be picky at all, just to go out with lots of women, and show them a good time so he will get a reputation for being a good date, or is it better if the guy is picky and only goes out with women he thinks might lead to long term relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 So is it better for a guy to not be picky at all, just to go out with lots of women, and show them a good time so he will get a reputation for being a good date, or is it better if the guy is picky and only goes out with women he thinks might lead to long term relationships? Depends what your objective is. If you enjoy dating just for the sake of dating and getting out and meeting new people, then go for it...but if your underlying hope is to meet someone special that you click with, to hopefully pursue a meaningful, long-term relationship with, then I'd think it a huge waste of time to just "settle" and not exercise your right to be choosy! :-) Quality vs quantity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zman Posted July 14, 2003 Author Share Posted July 14, 2003 Originally posted by Just A Girl2 Are these the only 2 long term relationships he's EVER had? No. I myself generally don't invest much time getting to know a guy who's in his 30s who doesn't live on his own....for several reasons: b) Why does he have roommates? Is it because he's not financially stable enough to support himself? If not, why not? Cuz you'd think by that age, the guy would have something to show for himself...if nothing else, his own place (whether it be a rental or one he owns) He could get his own apartment but he would get less space for the money, or devote a higher percentage of his income to rent. He has a new car and is paying off student loans from grad school. He could probably buy a house but it would stretch him financially at this point and he would probably get roommates for the house anyways to help pay the mortgage. c) Is he still back in his early 20s, back in the "party with the boys" stage....like the Frat house kind of deal.......I guess for some reason I always immediately envision this big party house when I think of a guy that age living with other guys..... They have maybe 2-3 parties per year. Don't women like to go to parties? These guys aren't frat boys. They're educated and have good jobs. I'd likely date him, though, if we had enough other things in common/on similar wavelengths in other regards....but I'd definitely want to know what his long term goals were and if he was "satisfied" to not live independently. He basically thinks buying a house is something to do together with a woman he would be married to or planning to get married to. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 So is it better for a guy to not be picky at all, just to go out with lots of women, and show them a good time so he will get a reputation for being a good date, or is it better if the guy is picky and only goes out with women he thinks might lead to long term relationships? Interesting question. I think oftentimes it's hard, if not impossible, to see the "real" person on a first or second date. I mean, most people are on their best behavior and are trying very hard to be "proper." Add that to being out with a new person who you don't know at all, don't know their likes, dislikes, sense of humor, etc...and it's a huge pressure situation. I've been out with guys who I had little to no interest in after date one, but they pursued me, so I went out again, and again, and realized that we *did* have a lot in common and I really enjoyed them, even though that wasn't quite so apparent on the first or second date. I think sometimes people don't give others enough of a chance. (Of course, with major red flags, it's reasonable to not want to see someone again. But if no major flags, I think it's worth it to go it again.) Being picky is fine--being unrealistic is not. If a guy is looking for a Ph.D Supermodel, then forget it. It's one thing to see some potential character flaws in early dates, but everyone is human and has flaws. Pickiness, nonnegotiables, such as certain age ranges, no drug use, maybe height requirements, size, education, whatever are fine. After all, you are looking for your future spouse! But being too picky early on I think works against some people. There are a lot of people out there who have a lot to offer who simply may not come off well on a first or second date, but after getting to know them may be phenomenal people. And I personally think dating a lot is a good thing--that's when you figure out what you really want. Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 He could get his own apartment but he would get less space for the money, or devote a higher percentage of his income to rent. He has a new car and is paying off student loans from grad school. He could probably buy a house but it would stretch him financially at this point and he would probably get roommates for the house anyways to help pay the mortgage. Paying off student loans is a decent reason to have roommates, I think. That shows some financial responsibility/prioritizing. Nothing wrong with that. Good, too, that he realizes that having a home right now would stretch him financially...better to look ahead and be cautious than impulsively jump into something that could get him into financial hot water. This guy doesn't sound too darn bad. Sounds like he has quite a few of his ducks in a row. He's single, you say? Link to post Share on other sites
Curt on High Horse Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 Not trying to be a pain in the butt here but, given her previous response... I myself generally don't invest much time getting to know a guy who's in his 30s who doesn't live on his own.... and the following tidbit... Paying off student loans is a decent reason to have roommates, I think. That shows some financial responsibility/prioritizing. Nothing wrong with that. Good, too, that he realizes that having a home right now would stretch him financially...better to look ahead and be cautious than impulsively jump into something that could get him into financial hot water. This guy doesn't sound too darn bad. Sounds like he has quite a few of his ducks in a row. He's single, you say? ...what "Just A Girl2" has just proven to us once again is: There are MANY valid reasons for why a person is in the living circumstances s/he is in at a certain point in time, and these reasons should not be used as judgement on either that person's character, or suitability as a mate. In other words, this very intelligent guy probably DESERVES more than an initial glance. Judge not, lest ye be judged... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 I'll be the contrarian. I suppose one can 'figure out what you like' by dating a lot, but I don't think that you can know that without living with someone for quite a while, which you can't really do with lots of people. I date very few people; mostly because I don't want someone becoming attached to me that I may not get attached to. I prefer becoming friends with people to dating anyway; to me dating is a waste of time; it sets up too many expectations and too much impetus to be false. I also think that one should not make snap judgments. That a fellow in his mid-30s lives with roommates can mean many things; yes, he could be a party boy but not necessarily. It does mean that he can live with other people and get along with them which tends to be a very helpful trait in a potential partner. In fact, I've met guys who've lived alone who have gotten extremely quirky all by themselves. I think living with other folks helps people be grounded. Sounds to me like this guy might be a good catch - he's making well thought-out financial decisions which is always a plus. Guys who have to have a house and car a year after getting a full-time job are often NOT that wise fiscally and more prone to instant gratification. A man sensible enough to make some sacrifices in order to get his fiscal affairs in order is one to hope for, IMHO. I know a married couple (high-end professionals) who lived in an unfurnished one-bedroom apartment and slept on mattresses on the floor for a couple of years. At the end of that, they had saved up enough of their combined salaries to put a huge down-payment on a house. I think they were brilliant. Link to post Share on other sites
screemer Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 ...Wow. This thread totally shocked me. I will be 35 tomorrow and I am considering moving in with a male friend also in his mid 30's. I didn't realize that there was such a stigma attached. I bought my first house at 21 and, yes, at times it was a party house. I always had 1 or 2 single male roommates and frequent visitors. But, as someone said earlier in this thread, that's more of a 20's thing. I sold the house when I moved to a new city 6 years ago. I have been renting since. I have had 3 long term relationships in the past 12 years. I am just coming out of a 6 year co-habitation. My girlfriend has decided to go her own way. I was laid off from my IT job last year and have been attending technical certification training this year. I have never lived in an apartment and don't really plan to. I have little to no income at the moment and I am currently living on what was to be a house down payment. I have a large dog who requires a yard. I have several single male friends who would welcome the added income of a roommate. Someone earlier said something about "red flags" and "not dating a guy who's not on his own by now". Life ain't always the most predictable of creatures. There's a reason for everything. I was a single guy living in his own home at 21 years old and at the time I found that was of great attraction to women. I was of the impression that most people (women and men) get wiser and less superficial with age. I wasn't expecting the detailed discussion of this thread and definitely agree with the "small pink flag" theory. I do not like the idea of living as a roommate/tenant of a friend, particularly because I did it from the landlord side for many years. Living with friends can strain a friendship. But when life throws you a curve you have to deal with it in the best way possible. So the guy lives with his buddies, big deal. I'd say the only problem would be if he was living with them because he was afraid to be on his own or really stuck in some sort of "male bonding" rut. Other than that, he's probably just in a transitional state that he's working to get out of. Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 Are cases are not really similar but I know this guy who is 35, who has been married and divorced, has 2 kids that he never sees, on social security, unemployment stuff and has been living at home with mom and dad for several years now. Does this guy sound like a catch or what? Plus, he goes after younger women who are 18 or so. Now, what totally turned me off is the fact that he does not work and can work with his disability, and how his daughter is close to age with me, how he does not talk to his daughter or son, and he lives at home with his parents. This guy is 35. He thinks he is gods gift to women but with the fact that he does nothing with himself is really a shame. Now you, maybe the 30 something year old guy who lives with roommates is all he can afford right now. AT least he does not live at home with his parents. I am more turned off with the fact that the guy who I have discussed is a dead beat losser then the guy that rents and never been married and has no kids. Maybe he can't afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Ummm...I would give it a go if he was really hot, but I would keep a close eye on how friendly he was with his friends. Maybe he's just not a lady's man...or maybe he's gay...who knows? But if he's really hot it's worth a try. i mean at the worst you'd get a good friend out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 I'd say go for it...but as you date him, I'd watch his spending habits. Maybe the reason why he doesn't have his own place is because he is a big spender, which may create a lot of problems and friction later on if the realtionship gets serious (not to mention tons of late or unpayed debt). Link to post Share on other sites
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