Lima Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 (edited) I've been dating a guy for 2 years and living together for the past year. We've had some ups and downs but overall, I've enjoyed the life we've built together... Due to some trust issues of my own, I had taken to looking through his phone from time to time. I think I was doing it to validate the trust that I felt for him (I didn't think he was doing anything and would look through the phone to continue to validate trusting him). I would find text messages from various girls that were flirty but nothing that caused me concern. One day I saw A LOT of text messages from a person that I had never seen in his phone before. Something about the number of text messages and the how comfortable they seemed to be with each other made me "flag" it to come back and look the next day (at that time I would look maybe once or twice a month). Guess how shocked I was to see a picture of her in her bra and panties with a responding text message from him indicating his d--- was hard!!! I confronted him. He gave me a LAME story about her being a friend starting a lingerie business and she was asking him about one of her products and he was simply responding like a boyfriend would respond to seeing his girlfriend in this outfit. I let that one go....at some point, I got his password to his email and read the chat sessions with this same girl. All day, every day they were chatting. Sometimes about innocuous things and sometimes very EXPLICIT sexual things. There was no evidence of him consumating anything with her and it appeared that it stopped after I confronted him (and her) after finding the picture so I never said anything further about it. Months go by and I find some flirty conversation between him and a co-worker (not sexual but sexually suggestive). She sends him a text message about keeping him warm which he never responds to. So, I respond (from his phone) that "sounds great but I don't think my girlfriend would like that". She responds "Congratulations! I guess that's a nice way of telling me you have a girlfriend". WTF! Why wouldn't your co-worker know you have a girlfriend if you all are just friends??? So, the last straw....I looked at his phone bill (I know snooping is bad) and I see where he is talking to this number I don't recognize for HOURS at a time. This is a person who usually doesn't go over 250 minutes per month and all of the sudden it's 200+ minutes in ONE weekend. I get his phone to find the name and I ask him about the name. We have a HUGE blowout but it comes out that it is a "friend" he met when he went out with his boys the week before. He also lets slip that I've pushed away all of his friends..(I was totally bewildered because I've never discouraged hanging out with his friends, I am always friendly with his friends...even went to the hospital when one of their moms was in the hospital and brought them all food because they had been waiting all evening and hadn't eaten). Then he says, he's not going to be like his boys when they break up and have no "friends". It then dawned on me what he meant. I had pushed away his "break glass in case of emergency" friends. By saying that statement to me, it sounds like he is ALWAYS going to have a "friendship" on the side that I know nothing about that he could easily jump to if we broke up. I'm done. My question is....do I have any ownership in this situation? I know the snooping is wrong but when you find out information from your snooping, it's hard to tell yourself that you are wrong. I just don't want to play the victim...woe is me but I want to acknowledge to myself if I have some ownership in this.... Edited March 28, 2008 by Lima correct spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Pikaia Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 You know my dear, I'd love to know the answer to this question. I did the same thing as you, snooping through emails and myspace messages. I DID find things and it lead to me finding out my boyfriend was cheating on me. My boyfriend was livid that I had snooped on him. He told me snooping is wrong and he'd never, ever snoop on me. Then again, he would never accuse me of cheating unless he had PROOF! My boyfriend and I have since worked things out, this girl he had started talking to, they shared a kiss, but that was it. That was about six months ago and we've been working to rebulid the relationship ever since. I've been told that there is no excuse for snooping, but I had a gut instinct and I had to know if he was trustworthy. He left mypsace wide open and I took a gander. That is when I found out. So, yes, I'd love to know when is a little snooping okay, if ever?! Link to post Share on other sites
Kiss Dont Miss Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 "Validate my trust"... Hmm.. Sounds weird. I think you never trusted your BF that's why you were checking his phone from time to time. Talk to him, tell about all your findings. If that guy isn't faithful, maybe it's better for you to break up? I dunno. Decide for yourself. But think twice beforehand. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I'm done. My question is....do I have any ownership in this situation? Hell no!! You have no ownership for the fact he is a dog that likes to hide his flirtations with other women AND hide the fact that he doesn't tell any of them that he has a girlfriend. You don't even have ownership for chasing away these "break the glass in case of emergency" friends, because I am assuming you mean female friends that he has an interest in as a backup in case you two split. I know the snooping is wrong but when you find out information from your snooping, it's hard to tell yourself that you are wrong. When people snoop, there is usually a good reason. When things don't seem right, they usually aren't. Go with your gut. I just don't want to play the victim...woe is me but I want to acknowledge to myself if I have some ownership in this.... You are a victim. A victim of a dog. He is one of those guys that gives the rest of us a bad name. Question, do you believe he has been unfaithful? Does he go out with the guys alot and come home at 3 or 4am? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lima Posted March 28, 2008 Author Share Posted March 28, 2008 Twice Shy....thank you for your post. It made me laugh. Yes, the "break glass in case of emergency" friends are females that he strings along... I don't have reason to believe he has been unfaithful. Even my snooping hasn't turned up evidence of physically cheating. He pretty much is a loner and stays at home. He will occassionally go out with the boys but I've never felt distrustful of that. Pikaia....glad to know that the two of you have worked things out. I'm not sure that I could ever trust him enough to not snoop so it really doesn't seem to make sense in my case to even try. Thank you for your comments! Link to post Share on other sites
amor est vitae essen Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 I've been dating a guy for 2 years and living together for the past year. We've had some ups and downs but overall, I've enjoyed the life we've built together... Due to some trust issues of my own, I had taken to looking through his phone from time to time. I think I was doing it to validate the trust that I felt for him (I didn't think he was doing anything and would look through the phone to continue to validate trusting him). I would find text messages from various girls that were flirty but nothing that caused me concern. One day I saw A LOT of text messages from a person that I had never seen in his phone before. Something about the number of text messages and the how comfortable they seemed to be with each other made me "flag" it to come back and look the next day (at that time I would look maybe once or twice a month). Guess how shocked I was to see a picture of her in her bra and panties with a responding text message from him indicating his d--- was hard!!! I confronted him. He gave me a LAME story about her being a friend starting a lingerie business and she was asking him about one of her products and he was simply responding like a boyfriend would respond to seeing his girlfriend in this outfit. I let that one go....at some point, I got his password to his email and read the chat sessions with this same girl. All day, every day they were chatting. Sometimes about innocuous things and sometimes very EXPLICIT sexual things. There was no evidence of him consumating anything with her and it appeared that it stopped after I confronted him (and her) after finding the picture so I never said anything further about it. Months go by and I find some flirty conversation between him and a co-worker (not sexual but sexually suggestive). She sends him a text message about keeping him warm which he never responds to. So, I respond (from his phone) that "sounds great but I don't think my girlfriend would like that". She responds "Congratulations! I guess that's a nice way of telling me you have a girlfriend". WTF! Why wouldn't your co-worker know you have a girlfriend if you all are just friends??? So, the last straw....I looked at his phone bill (I know snooping is bad) and I see where he is talking to this number I don't recognize for HOURS at a time. This is a person who usually doesn't go over 250 minutes per month and all of the sudden it's 200+ minutes in ONE weekend. I get his phone to find the name and I ask him about the name. We have a HUGE blowout but it comes out that it is a "friend" he met when he went out with his boys the week before. He also lets slip that I've pushed away all of his friends..(I was totally bewildered because I've never discouraged hanging out with his friends, I am always friendly with his friends...even went to the hospital when one of their moms was in the hospital and brought them all food because they had been waiting all evening and hadn't eaten). Then he says, he's not going to be like his boys when they break up and have no "friends". It then dawned on me what he meant. I had pushed away his "break glass in case of emergency" friends. By saying that statement to me, it sounds like he is ALWAYS going to have a "friendship" on the side that I know nothing about that he could easily jump to if we broke up. I'm done. My question is....do I have any ownership in this situation? I know the snooping is wrong but when you find out information from your snooping, it's hard to tell yourself that you are wrong. I just don't want to play the victim...woe is me but I want to acknowledge to myself if I have some ownership in this.... To be fair, if he has a gf that has to snoop on him to 'validate her trust'! then is it any wonder he flirts with other people in anticipation of you breaking-up? Don't get me wrong, he sounds like a bit of an idiot, but to randomly snoop isn't right. Have you done that in previous relationships? I'd say you have some ownership, yeah! Link to post Share on other sites
MusicMan72 Posted March 29, 2008 Share Posted March 29, 2008 Hey Lima, I hear you loud and clear. I too just found out my GF has been chatting to another guy in a way I find unacceptable. I too found out by snooping, and, like you, was using it to "validate" my trust. I broke it off immediately, as I find this kind of behaviour abhorrrent and totally unacceptable. Snooping is wrong, but I'm glad I did, and I'd do it again. Otherwise I would have been in blissful ignorance. You deserve someone better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
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