2 months out 2 months nc

[mtndew]

It has been 2 months since I moved out of the house away from my W and kids to figure out where to go from here. Some things are much clearer, some are still as iffy as ever. Short recap, had an EA with a great OW nearly a year ago. Tried for 6 months to salvage M only to move out for a fresh perspective. W and I are on relatively good terms communicating quite clearly. OW and I have had NC in over 5 weeks with no attempts on either side in the works. She has gone totally quiet as I have gotten on with the work at hand.

 

Now the questions, I still don't know if I can find the spark in my M to make it fly. It never really got that far off the ground in 19 yrs of M. I have put OW as far out of sight and mind as possible, but she still creeps in. Too many reminders, too small of a big town. My oldest kid is also struggling, not 100% due to this, but I know it doesn't help.

 

1) How do you find the spark, the will, the desire to make your M work?

 

2) How do you get OW out of your head?

 

3) W has said she does not want me back in the house for the sake of the kids, or the budget, or anything, only when I am 100% ready to commit to her, but do I suck it up and go back to where I was before striving to make everything better?

 

4) Do I maintain the solo pursuits of "fixing" myself and then in time, make the proper decisions.

 

Man, I wanted to awaken to feel life for the first time in a long time, to ride the rollercoaster, not the merry go round. Looks like I got my wish.

[LadyDi]

I don't have any good advise but I hope things work out for you the way you want. You only go around once in life, I hope you can find happiness and peace of mind!

[Mrmojorisin]

It has been 2 months since I moved out of the house away from my W and kids to figure out where to go from here. Some things are much clearer, some are still as iffy as ever. Short recap, had an EA with a great OW nearly a year ago. Tried for 6 months to salvage M only to move out for a fresh perspective.

 

Tried for 6 months? It takes on average 2 years for a marriage to heal from an affair. After 19 years, you did not give it a fair shot. Your wife and kids deserve more than a 6 month attempt at fixing a problem you created.

[Owl]

1) How do you find the spark, the will, the desire to make your M work?

 

- You find the spark by 'starting over' with your wife. Dating (WITHOUT any relationship talk), spending time with her, etc... Marriagebuilders recommends a MINIMUM of 15 hours/week of time spent recreationally, together. That's dates, conversations, activities...its NOT sitting watching the TV, etc... It means interaction during those times.

 

You both need to relearn how to show each other love again as well. Take a look at the book "His Needs/Her Needs"...there's an emotional questionairre in there that you can both fill out as a new starting point for figuring this out. The bottom line is that both of you need how to meet each other's emotional needs...and start doing that, ESPECIALLY during that 15 hours/week.

 

Its courtship, all over again. The two of you need to start courting each other again. Right now, you don't "feel like it". Not at all unusual for someone who's just gone through an affair. Between the withdrawl at the loss of the relationship with OW, and all the serious lovebusting (arguing, fighting, finger pointing, etc...) that took place when the affair came out in the open, that's hardly surprising. What IS surprising is that the love very often DOES come back...its often amazing to the WS that it does so. It did in my situation, even though my wife was convinced that she "hadn't been in love with me in years!".

 

2) How do you get OW out of your head?

 

- Maintain absolute NC. Do not contact her again...ever. Unless your wife requires a final communication that indicates that you're working on your marriage, and will NEVER contact OW again.

 

Then spend that time that I mentioned above working on rebuilding your relationship with your wife and your family.

 

You'll find that most WS's have to "fake it til you make it" on this for a while. But again...OW will fade from your mind, and your W, who is hopefully now working on meeting your emotional needs and rebuilding your marriage just as hard as you are, will begin to regain her place in your heart and your mind.

 

3) W has said she does not want me back in the house for the sake of the kids, or the budget, or anything, only when I am 100% ready to commit to her, but do I suck it up and go back to where I was before striving to make everything better?

 

- Can't blame her for this. Standard response to someone moving out after being busted on an affair. The trick is to show her that love and committment BEFORE you move back in. Stay where you're at for now. Plan on being there a while. Don't move back in until after you're no longer 'faking it', and are finally 'making it'. By that time, you'll have shown your wife the 100% commitment she's asking for.

 

4) Do I maintain the solo pursuits of "fixing" myself and then in time, make the proper decisions.

 

- Do both. Work on the "fixing you", and work on rebuilding your relationship with your family and your wife at the same time. Do you know what it is about you that you "need to fix"? What are you doing about it?

 

Start thinking about the changes that need to happen in order for a happy relationship to have a chance to rebuild between you and your wife. Changes on your side, and hers. Make your changes, outline the ones you think she needs to make. Discuss all of this with her...see what she feels needs to change on YOUR side for recovery to begin. Work out whatever compromises/etc... that needs to happen.

 

Additionally, you should consider finding a marriage counselor who can be a neutral third party to help your wife and work through the issues that you CAN'T agree on right now. Preferably someone who will also know how to guide the two of you through rebuilding a relationship and healing the emotional trauma caused by your affair with OW. Find one who has a good track record for this kind of thing...ask them what their success rate has been so far. Ask them what "plan" they use to work through all the issues. Go take a look at the marriagebuilders website for some good, free material that can help a lot.

 

And here's the thing...recovery from infidelity is a MARATHON...not a sprint. It takes two years under textbook conditions for some marriages to heal...most take longer.

[mtndew]

First off, I will take my portion of the blame for putting us in the situation. I will not take all of the blame. If things were a bit different with W thru the ages leading up to this, I could have sidestepped the advances made. I have sidestepped opportunities on numerous occassions before. However, as in the case of so many A's, it seems especially EA's, there was a connection that filled so many voids left by a W that I won't get into here. I finally had enough and grabbed the spark offered by OW. Oh what a powerful drug it is. On another note, I have tried for 23 years total to make this work, not just 6 months. It's been a long hard road. Some great, some horrific and all points in between.

 

Owl, thanks again for as always useful words of wisdom. I will expand later. And yes we have been thru enough MC and IC to buy a new house and get out of debt, I guess we were both to stubborn to do what was discussed and suggested.

[openingup]

Mtndew . . . wow.

 

I think you've done all you should do. You've been unhappy on and off for 23 YEARS?! Please give yourself a break and get out. From my perspective, your marriage sounds toxic and you may just have become addicted to the drama of it. Endless stints with counselors aren't going to help a relationship like this. Trying to fix it is like putting $500 perfume on a pig. Your OW was just the catalyst for you to finally end it.

 

Do you want to be miserable forever? Be honest. I can see you going through this for years, mired in guilt and self-recrimination, overthinking every move. What I'm not able to see clearly is whether this gives you satisfaction in some way.

 

Obviously to stay or go is your decision to make, but what are the advantages?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Mtndew . . . wow.

 

I think you've done all you should do. You've been unhappy on and off for 23 YEARS?! Please give yourself a break and get out.

 

Obviously to stay or go is your decision to make, but what are the advantages?

 

I agree. I'm sure you love your wife but it doesn't sound like you love your marriage very much. If you were unhappy for so long, why return? If you have been in marriage counselling and independent counselling why is it so important that your marriage works now? Haven't you already exhausted every avenue on trying to make this work?

 

Returning to your marriage. Is it because of your children? Or because you preferred the merry-go-round to the rollercoaster after all?

 

I was an OW, now ex-OW as my MM left his marriage. He also returned for a number of months after a seperation to make sure he did all he could do to ensure his marriage didn't work anymore. It didn't. It's very difficult because he did balance his individual happiness versus his childrens happiness. But he's working through that now very well.

[Lookingforward]

I agree. I'm sure you love your wife but it doesn't sound like you love your marriage very much. If you were unhappy for so long, why return? If you have been in marriage counselling and independent counselling why is it so important that your marriage works now? Haven't you already exhausted every avenue on trying to make this work?

 

Returning to your marriage. Is it because of your children? Or because you preferred the merry-go-round to the rollercoaster after all?

 

I was an OW, now ex-OW as my MM left his marriage. He also returned for a number of months after a seperation to make sure he did all he could do to ensure his marriage didn't work anymore. It didn't. It's very difficult because he did balance his individual happiness versus his childrens happiness. But he's working through that now very well.

 

Don't mean to t/j, but were you in NC during the time he returned to work on it?

[Owl]

First off, I will take my portion of the blame for putting us in the situation. I will not take all of the blame.

 

Understood. You BOTH are to blame for the situation your marriage got to...just as it was in my situation. Lack of

 

You are the only one responsible for the decision to have an affair. You need to own that choice, and the outcome of it as well. There is NO JUSTIFICATION for cheating. Your spouse does NOT share the blame for YOUR CHOICE.

 

I realize that you may not agree. Let me ask you this...do you think your wife will ever accept the blame for your choice to sleep with another woman? REALLY?

 

I refuse(d) to accept any blame/responsibility for my wife's choice to have an emotional affair with another man. And honestly, this is something that it took a long time for her to come to grips with too...that the choice to cheat was HERS alone. I was in the same marriage, going through the same issues...my response to it was different than hers.

 

I'm interested in hearing your response...and I'm still hoping for the best outcome possible for your situation.

[mtndew]

Yes, I will take full responsibility for becoming toooooo involved with OW, but it was and remains such a powerful drug. But why did I give in this time? There have been at least 4 other perfect opportunities in the past to have an A both E and P. In all of those cases, as in the current, they have been with incredible attractive ladies involved in work projects where a good amount of time is spent side by side. I'm not a player, but I know when the opportunities were there and I let them slide. This one was fantastic, attractive, brilliant, classy and made it and life fun. A happy place. A place where I thought only existed in the movies. I felt more alive than at any time in my life! I was driving an already motivated woman even higher and she was enjoying driving me to excel. We made a great team and had great discussions about building great things in the future. So yes, yes, yes I made the decision to cheat, to deprive my W of my emotions and my love. I am guilty, hang the dog.

 

I did have about an hour and a half conversation with W last evening. I was at the house taking care of the yard, playing catch with my 9 year old, etc. Stayed for dinner, a couple of drinks and the conversation. Started out good, then progressed a little out of control with her steering that way. We discussed how things had progressed over the last 10 years, how things had gotten away and how we lost "we". We then discussed things that had to change like "acting our wage" for a change so that I don't end up working 80 - 100 hours a week to support bad habits. Starbucks daily... eating out too much... etc. etc. In my IC the other day, my C told me that I was on the threshold of the door. I had gotten there fairly quick. Now was my choice. To walk thru the door, engage life with some new tools and with confidence, or step back into the room and slip back to old ways. By going thru the door and knowing how I want life to be led, to the best anyone knows, and adhering to it. To set parameters for those who are in my life and enjoy those that work, and tolerate but don't let those that don't rule your life.

 

Now the crux as in the opening post. Can I man up and do the job? I am owning up to decision to stray, but it was a decision that forced a 51 year old to either grow up, face the music, face life and LIVE life... or muddle thru existence. It also made W face the music and make changes and adjustments in her way of doing things as well. So out of the EA, some positives have been made. Maybe not fully realized and at the full potential yet, but it will get there whether we are 1, or whether we are 2.

 

I will not be someone other than who I am, I will fight to make my stand. Cause what is living if I can't be free, what is freedom if I can't be me. I will not be broken.

[Owl]

You post screams of the battle cry of the wayward spouse...

 

 

 

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEE, MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

That's fine for you if you want to live like that. It'll be your wife and your family who will truly pay the price for your decision(s) more than anyone else will.

 

If you're good with that, then there's not really much more to discuss.

[Owl]

In my IC the other day, my C told me that I was on the threshold of the door.

 

BTW...this is why IC that's not balanced by an equally effective MC is a danger to the marriage, rather than giving it a chance to heal.

 

The IC is only concerned about the person they're counseling, with NO obligation or consideration to the marriage in any fashion or form. They're often a bigger bane to marriages than nearly anything else.

 

He's focused only on you...and so you now focus only on you. It justifies focusing on you...it gives you that excuse to do so, in fact.

 

It alleviates you of your marital/familial obligations...which is why its so much more attractive to WS's than MC is when there's been an affair.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Don't mean to t/j, but were you in NC during the time he returned to work on it?

 

We were in NC for a while and then LC. It was my decision to return to the relationship after he asked. I knew it was different though, he had cemented the idea of leaving and returning did not make the M work. I think he exorcised a few demons.

 

Saying that, I hated that time. It was painful and extremely difficult. I would never wish it on anyone.

[ufo8mycat]

Long time listner, first time caller. I have followed this story from the start and curiosity.Cat.outcome - I felt compelled to respond

 

What do you want from your wife? It seems as though she will never meet your standards - in that case do both of you a favour and call it day.

 

You mention that you resisted previous advances from attractive brilliant classy ladies (the flipside is that you think your wife is none of these). I am not sure what this adds? What do you want? A trip to government house for not sucumbing?

 

You are not being fair on your wife. You ARE guilty and you DID invest energy that should have been spent on your marriage.

 

So what are you going to do about it? You seem to be waiting for your wife to understand her wicked ways, or at least her role in causing you to seek the fascinating company of another. But why should she.

 

What do you want?

[mtndew]

Alright, now that my scorched eyebrows are starting to grow back, I will defend me, me, me. Yes, I will admit that I AM GUILTY, that I spent time with another woman. Emotional, not physical. True, I revealed a lot that I shouldn't have. Sure everyone's going to side with my wife, the one who has been wronged. I understand.

 

Maybe the problem all along was that in her mind, I didn't live up to her standards because they were set so enormously high. Maybe she didn't know how GOOD she had it for 23 years before someone else came into my life and said Damn you are a great, fantastic person who has so much to offer. Maybe she grew up a spoiled brat who never appreciated much until it was gone and Daddy was not going to fix it this time. Maybe I got numb after years of her anger over so many situations out of my control. But who was it that took the heat? Maybe I didn't have the backbone to stand up for myself and say Kiss My Deriere. Maybe, OW is guilty of waking up the beast within me to stand up and finally live life on my terms, not everyone elses. To get the tire tracks off of me from being run over all of the time.

 

What I WANT is a mate who respects me, adores me and works with me as MUCH as I did her or do her in the future. A partnership, not a dictatorship with one person running the show while the other cowers or where fighting becomes the way to settle every little thing. I have seen a glimpse, that has vanished like a vapor, of how wonderful life can be. What I thought was true only in fairy tales and Hollywood truly can exist. I have spoken to W about how it has to be, how she AND I have to change to make it happen. Don't know if we will get there, but we are trying one day at a time. I do believe i would love to see how good we could be together as a team working and appreciating each other. I just know i cannot go back to the way it was before.

 

Now, is it so wrong, that after 50 years of living life to make everyone else happy, which I thoroughly enjoy, but at the expense of my happiness and a whole lot of things i would like to do, that I would like to continue into the so called "golden years" with the real gold, not fools gold? Do I not deserve the right to LIVE life to the fullest, a life I never really knew existed until shown it by OW. And no I am not running away from anywhere to be with her. Is it so wrong to want for ME, ME, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, now after putting up with her ME, ME, Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees for so many years.

 

I know what I did was wrong, maybe it is taking these extreme measures to get W to finally take notice and appreciate what SHE had. That she and we have to work together to maintain that. Maybe if she will listen and try, we can find the fairy tale.

[AppleV]

I think the real question here is do you really WANT to go back to your wife?

I am currently involved in an EA myself, and I know its very hard to come to terms with WHY we are doing it. I am starting to feel that I just cannot accept that I have to look elsewhere to fill an emotional void that my H was neither fulfilling or even noticed the void at all! It makes me so sad.

And while we must apportion blame mostly on ourselves for an EA - , happy, content, emotionally and sexually fullfilled people do not go out and have affairs - emotional or otherwise.

Do you think if you went back to your wife that things could really be different? I agree that I think the H/W has to play a small part in why you did what you did.......

I think the DECISION to cheat was 100% your doing.

But the REASON to cheat was not.

[Owl]

My friend, I've given you all the advice I can.

 

They say you can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink.

 

I would agree that not all marriages ARE recoverable...indeed some are so damaged from lack of maintenance over the years that they can't be saved. Yours may be one of them...obviously I can't tell that for sure from this side of the internet.

 

For every reason to do something and suggestion I can make, its very simple to justify and rationalize a counter to it...I could do the same from your angle, I'm sure.

 

Good luck to you, whatever your choices are going forward. I hope that it all works out the best possible way for everyone involved.

[BettyBoop]

Maybe she didn't know how GOOD she had it for 23 years before someone else came into my life and said Damn you are a great, fantastic person who has so much to offer. Maybe she grew up a spoiled brat who never appreciated much until it was gone and Daddy was not going to fix it this time.

 

OR maybe she never felt like she had it that good for 23 years. Or maybe she did since she never left, cheated and got an OM. Maybe she just got so caught up in everyday life she just assumed that cooking your dinner or taking care of your kids was showing her love and devotion to you. Maybe she just didn't know?

 

I believe she also is a great, fantastic person who has so much to offer...but who is going to tell her that? Because I get the feeling that you won't.

 

What you deprived in your marriage, I am sure she did as well. I don't think you want your W back.

 

Just remember in a few years OW will have shown her shortcomings as well. Maybe she's a "spoiled brat" too? Only time will tell...

[ufo8mycat]

I do believe i would love to see how good we could be together as a team working and appreciating each other. I just know i cannot go back to the way it was before.

.

 

So it seems there are two issues

 

1. An entire marriage you see as neglectful

 

2. Your EA

 

Does your wife agree with the above? Is she committed to working on the relationship.

 

If this has been the pattern for your entire marriage then why do you think it would change now? Has there been any indication?

 

I still think your sitting back waiting for your wife to realise the error of her ways over the marriage. The onus is on her.

 

Just MHO but no one is going to get anywhere in this stand off. If you have found the new you then move on and find someone who treats you fairly. You can't change your wife and she may not want to change or acknowledge her role in the marital problems pre EA.

 

So its not just a matter of deciding what you want but realistically evaluating what your going to get. I am not sure why you want to go back to your wife either. You talk about your marriage with disdain. It sounds as though you want her to know she was wrong.

 

Maybe she didn't know how good she had it? Or perhaps she didn't find it that good.

 

I don't think there is a moral victory in this one.

[mtndew]

Yes she does now how good she had it and screwed it up and repeatedly tells me so now. But she also believes that I had it pretty dang good as well, which at times it was for me. She knows she had it well, I ran things around the house.... the dishwasher, the vacuum cleaner, the lawn mower, the kids, heck when she was out of the house, I used to yell at the dog to let him know I was in charge. Just kidding... at least about the dog. But whose fault was it for letting that happen. It's the curse of the strictly raised church of christ good ol boy mentality. That's one of the reasons this decision is so tough. That and 2 kids who miss their dad incredibly, but are adjusting quite well. Actually we are probably closer now than when I was at the house. Guilt in leaving W alone, that I did not do my job as an H to develop our relationship to where it could have gone weighs in as well. W is also a great person with a tremendous amount of potential. And she has had more than her share of garbage to deal with in her lifetime. Suicide, molestation and cancer in her immediate family to begin with. I just don't know if I can get through with all of this and find the will and the attraction to make it blossom. I am working hard to get myself somewhere I never imagined a year ago, and thru this W is learning the journey for herself as well. I don't believe there is any victory to be had anywhere in this struggle other than the growing of 2 individuals, whether the 2 become 2 or remain 1.

[Alady]

I have never posted here but this thread prompted me to.

 

We are about the same age and obvious to me, going through very similar situations. I guess what I want to say is this...take your time to find the answers to your questions internally and externally. Dont' let anyone push you to make a decision to do something you are not ready for.

 

Advice is usually given with the best of intentions but is colored by the beliefs and experiences of those giving it. Take the good, throw out the bad and remember that you are unique, your situation is unique. You are the one that lives your life...you know the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

My hope for you is that you will allow yourself to make a decision, whatever it my be, that will make the rest of your life what you ache for it to be. This is my hope for myself, too.

[mtndew]

Thanks alady, I AM taking my time much to the chagrin of nearly everyone else. I haven't spoken to my F In law in over 2 and a half months. Just hear that he is highly perterbed that I didn't give him 24 hours of moving out so he could provide for damage control of W. But i didn't have 24 hours. I made up my mind in a counseling session after about 24 seconds of the opening bell so to speak. Anyway thanks for the advice about not giving in because I know he gets madder as the days go by that i CAN'T make up my mind what I want to do. Because I am trying rationally and calmly to make this all make sense for everyone. If he ever does corner me, I would hate to see him force me into a quick decision that everyone would have to live with. More than likely it would not be the popular decision. But then again, I have grown and am ready to face him and tell him on my terms, my thoughts and if he cannot handle it, thank him for the moment and walk away from him.

 

thanks for the encouragement, you sound like you live up to your name a lady, stay that way, there's not a lot of you left.