What is up with moms?

[Shellz937]

Alright, i've read so many postings on here and I've found most of our issues come from our mothers.

 

Can someone explain to me why do mothers cause us the most grief?

[Touche]

Alright, i've read so many postings on here and I've found most of our issues come from our mothers.

 

Can someone explain to me why do mothers cause us the most grief?

 

What a crock! Please grow up and take responsibility for your own issues and stop blaming your mother, ok?

 

I'm sure your mother did her best. If you're an adult now, it's up to YOU to make your life what you want it to be. Stop blaming your mother, who I'm sure did her best, whether you think it was good enough or not.

 

Are YOU a mother? Can you, or have YOU done better? Until you can answer those questions, stop it. Get on with your life and do the best for you now, ok?

 

It's not attractive to play the victim when you're an adult and responsible for your own life.

[Shellz937]

What a crock! Please grow up and take responsibility for your own issues and stop blaming your mother, ok?

 

I'm sure your mother did her best. If you're an adult now, it's up to YOU to make your life what you want it to be. Stop blaming your mother, who I'm sure did her best, whether you think it was good enough or not.

 

Are YOU a mother? Can you, or have YOU done better? Until you can answer those questions, stop it. Get on with your life and do the best for you now, ok?

 

It's not attractive to play the victim when you're an adult and responsible for your own life.

 

I haven't blamed my mother for anything. I was just wondering why most of the posts on this site are about their mothers.

 

I'm not a mother, because I don't believe I would be a good mother. I'm not playing the victim because I walk on my own two legs, and make the best out of what I was given.

[Kamille]

It's because mothers won't allow us to criticize them, as Touche pointed out.

 

Shellz, I was thinking about the impact my mother had on my life. I never used to, it was basically a taboo subject for me, but a therapist forced me down that road.

 

I'm still trying to figure it all out. Don't really know what to post about it just yet.

[Shellz937]

I have taken a look at what a mother has to go through. It's not an easy job with everything they have to do. Yes they have life experience but they should take a step back and take into consideration and actually talk to their kids or siblings and see how they can improve. No one is perfect, and we all can find a way to improve but there are somethings that mothers do that have a major affect on their children. I just wish they could accept the constructive criticizm and not fly off the handlebars.

[Touche]

I have taken a look at what a mother has to go through. It's not an easy job with everything they have to do. Yes they have life experience but they should take a step back and take into consideration and actually talk to their kids or siblings and see how they can improve. No one is perfect, and we all can find a way to improve but there are somethings that mothers do that have a major affect on their children. I just wish they could accept the constructive criticizm and not fly off the handlebars.

 

Well first of all I haven't seen that many posts blaming mothers but ok...if you say so.

 

What you said here is reasonable. But if your mother doesn't accept your "criticism" let it go. You haven't walked in her shoes. You don't know how difficult it is or what sacrifices she's made for you. You're not likely to know that until you're a mother yourself, if you ever are.

 

I think it's counter-productive for therapists to force feed people to think about this stuff. I mean it's ok to think about it for a little while but then what good does it do? Move on. We're adults.

 

My sis chooses to blame my mom for everything that has gone wrong in her life. I don't. It's not all her fault. I accept my part in things. My mother wasn't perfect. I get that. It's what you decide to do with your life that counts. Crying over our past does no good at all.

[Kamille]

I think it's counter-productive for therapists to force feed people to think about this stuff. I mean it's ok to think about it for a little while but then what good does it do? Move on. We're adults.

 

My sis chooses to blame my mom for everything that has gone wrong in her life. I don't. It's not all her fault. I accept my part in things. My mother wasn't perfect. I get that. It's what you decide to do with your life that counts. Crying over our past does no good at all.

 

Well it's actually help me question a lot of the beliefs I took for granted, and help me tackle my anxieties and fears. Basically, the therapist thought that I had internalized a very critical inner voice, in part caused by my relationship to my mother who would break down in tears and tell me I was never amount to anything when I spilled a glass of juice.

 

My mother has had a hard life and this isn't about blaming her, but about realizing why I fear failure so much and always feel the need to control everything and to have everything be perfect.

 

It's actually proving to be quite helpful. And has improved my relationship with my mom.

[Touche]

Well it's actually help me question a lot of the beliefs I took for granted, and help me tackle my anxieties and fears. Basically, the therapist thought that I had internalized a very critical inner voice, in part caused by my relationship to my mother who would break down in tears and tell me I was never amount to anything when I spilled a glass of juice.

 

My mother has had a hard life and this isn't about blaming her, but about realizing why I fear failure so much and always feel the need to control everything and to have everything be perfect.

 

It's actually proving to be quite helpful. And has improved my relationship with my mom.

 

Wow, interesting Kamille. My mom also instilled some very negative messages but I still don't blame her. I mean it's helped me to understand some things about myself but in the end it's changed nothing really.

 

I don't buy all that about fearing failure and needing control and wanting to have everything be perfect. Sorry, I don't. I don't think those things are a product of your upbringing. I had a very critical mother and I don't fit that profile at all. Did you have a dad in the picture?

[Kamille]

Wow, interesting Kamille. My mom also instilled some very negative messages but I still don't blame her. I mean it's helped me to understand some things about myself but in the end it's changed nothing really.

 

I don't buy all that about fearing failure and needing control and wanting to have everything be perfect. Sorry, I don't. I don't think those things are a product of your upbringing. I had a very critical mother and I don't fit that profile at all. Did you have a dad in the picture?

 

My dad was a lot less involved in our upbringing, which explains why my mom would sometimes lose it.

 

You know what, I stopped going to that therapist because I thought like you, that my anxiety and fears had little to do with my upbringing, that I'm an adult now and am responsible for myself.

 

But it's slowly starting to make sense to me that thinking through the darker side of my upbringing is helping me understand why I have the fears that I do. And like I said, it isn't like I am blaming my mother. I'm just making links between situations that instill fear in me and how I internalized my upbringing as never being good enough.

 

My grandfather, who physically and mentally abused my mother died when I was six. She went into a severe depression. Meanwhile, my dad was working half of the time in another city. I am not saying she had it easy nor am I saying she did an altogether bad job. Hey, I think both my sistr and I turned out all right. However, I acutely remember how inadequate, judged and criticized I felt as a 6 year old kid. The glass of juice incident? Those kinds of event happened dayly. I've seen been around 6 years old kids, and I know they don't all feel inadequate and scared of doing the wrong thing all the time. I also realize that kids spill juice, and that it doesn't warrant screaming at them every single time and telling them how clumsy, irresponsible and stupid they are.

[Touche]

My dad was a lot less involved in our upbringing, which explains why my mom would sometimes lose it.

 

You know what, I stopped going to that therapist because I thought like you, that my anxiety and fears had little to do with my upbringing, that I'm an adult now and am responsible for myself.

 

But it's slowly starting to make sense to me that thinking through the darker side of my upbringing is helping me understand why I have the fears that I do. And like I said, it isn't like I am blaming my mother. I'm just making links between situations that instill fear in me and how I internalized my upbringing as never being good enough.

 

My grandfather, who physically and mentally abused my mother died when I was six. She went into a severe depression. Meanwhile, my dad was working half of the time in another city. I am not saying she had it easy nor am I saying she did an altogether bad job. Hey, I think both my sistr and I turned out all right. However, I acutely remember how inadequate, judged and criticized I felt as a 6 year old kid. The glass of juice incident? Those kinds of event happened dayly. I've seen been around 6 years old kids, and I know they don't all feel inadequate and scared of doing the wrong thing all the time. I also realize that kids spill juice, and that it doesn't warrant screaming at them every single time and telling them how clumsy, irresponsible and stupid they are.

 

Aww, you know what Kamille I'm really not judging you. We all respond differently to such things. My mother used to call me a dunce.

 

We can understand our backgrounds but then we can get beyond it, right? Our past doesn't have to define who we are now.

 

I apologize for being a bit harsh. It's just I guess you brought out some things my sis and I have talked about. I think we should try our best to rise above what we've been through. Our moms didn't mean to hurt us. They love us.

[Trialbyfire]

I think both Kamille and Touche are right. In order to move on, it's best to understand the negative impact created by your mother. Once you've done that, you can deconstruct the negativity and move on with your life.

 

I also agree that as an adult, you are now responsible for yourself. You can change if you're unhappy with yourself. Do so. Otherwise, own it.

[Touche]

I think both Kamille and Touche are right. In order to move on, it's best to understand the negative impact created by your mother. Once you've done that, you can deconstruct the negativity and move on with your life.

 

I also agree that as an adult, you are now responsible for yourself. You can change if you're unhappy with yourself. Do so. Otherwise, own it.

 

Thanks, TBF. It hurts to think about this sometimes..and even now, my mother can be cruel but yes, we must get past it as adults.

[directx]

Thanks, TBF. It hurts to think about this sometimes..and even now, my mother can be cruel but yes, we must get past it as adults.

 

 

Yes, I can trade stories as well, but I wont out of respect for ones parents.

Honor thy mother and father is one of the hardest commandments to follow, no doubt.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks, TBF. It hurts to think about this sometimes..and even now, my mother can be cruel but yes, we must get past it as adults.

((hugs))

 

Your mother does love you. She just doesn't realize how much she hurts you with her negativity.

[Touche]

((hugs))

 

Your mother does love you. She just doesn't realize how much she hurts you with her negativity.

 

Awww, thanks sis. You're a real dear. (((hugs))) back.

 

X, you're so right about honoring our parents. But you should be able to vent here. It doesn't mean you're not able to honor them.

[Woggle]

It is clear to those who know my strory why I have issues with my mother but I do try and not let it stop me and affect me too much in a negative way. I don't always succeed but it is a big reason why I am the way I am. I don't think it always mothers though because a few posters on here have horrible fathers that are a reason why they have issues.

[j_hunt_12]

Of course everything is the mother's fault, good and bad. For most people mothers are the #1 thing throughout a child's early development, and they continue to be a huge part of someone's psychological development until much later. Mothers can ruin there children with stuff they say without even really realizing it. There is the whole Oedipus (however you spell it) complex thing too that most children get to go through. Mothers are very important and I've noticed how ****ed up people can get when they have a really strange, cotrolling mother, or if the mother dies at certain ages sometimes. It is all very complicated and I'm no pshychology major, but that it why people blaim there mothers...

 

My mum was perfect though so I am usually not too messed up. But my father didn't help much as I grew up and I blame everything on him, even he wasn't a bad father by any means... just not that good.

 

Scientifically, who else would you blame it on? But when it comes down to it, it is YOU now so you truly cannot blame it (whatever it is) on anybody but yourself. You just have be be aware of how your upbringings effected you so you can improve yourself..

[Lizzie60]

I have to say that not only mothers are to blame in a lot of situation but for women my age (over 40) it's, most of the time, the father...

 

The fathers back then were 'absent' no emotions, cold authoritarian figure. The mothers were doing all the work regarding the children.. they were doing nothing, except to provide money for the household.

 

I don't know how old you are.. but in those years, most mothers were staying at home to raise the kids.. then the mother wasn't to blame..they did their best with what they had.

 

But I would say that these days, it's 50/50.. both parents work outside the home..

 

It's not easy for anyone these days to raise children... with the competitive society we live in.. the work, the enormous bills to pay, the stress, the children, etc... it's easier now to find 'not-so-good-mothers' than it was years ago.

 

Just my 2 cents..

 

Try to look at all sides..

[Kamille]

Aww, you know what Kamille I'm really not judging you. We all respond differently to such things. My mother used to call me a dunce.

 

Exactly. The therapist didn't want me to blame my mother but to focus on how I responded and therefore internalized the responses. The theory was that we learn thought patterns really young. I internalized those actions as: if I make mistakes, people will love me less. That's certainly not what my mother intended, but that's how I lived it. I can own up to that part and realize how I let it affect my adult life.

 

We can understand our backgrounds but then we can get beyond it, right? Our past doesn't have to define who we are now.

 

I couldn't agree more. But my way of dealing with it was to to avoid delving too deep in my background, which meant I would still let it affect me in negative ways.

 

I apologize for being a bit harsh. It's just I guess you brought out some things my sis and I have talked about. I think we should try our best to rise above what we've been through. Our moms didn't mean to hurt us. They love us.

 

I hope you realize I don't blame my mom. I love and adore her, and as an adult I can reason and see why she was sometimes so overwhelmed. But as a child, I couldn't. She was mom, the centre of my universe, and the ultimate authority. Now I realize that she was severely depressed, also very sick, that my dad wasn't as present as he should have been. Hell, I have tears in my eyes and considering the situation I am actually proud that she managed to pull through. That's why it's good to revisit the tough times with the reasoning skills of an adult. Not to blame but to understand.

[Citizen Erased]

The majority of my childhood, my father was at work. So was my mum, but she was juggling work, home and night school. She did this for 15 years. They were not in love, they married because of my sister. Why they had 3 more kids I have no idea.

 

After the 15 years, she met someone at work and left our family. I lived with her and her new bf. He was an abusive alcoholic who used to walk in on me changing when I was 15, hoping to catch a nice juicy shot . She never protected me from him, and I ended up leaving home before I had finished school.

 

Yet, I am far more close to my mother than my father. In fact, I have cut him out of my life. I love my mum, she has made some mistakes sure, but I can also see the sacrifices she made.

 

I am working on fixing whatever emotional issues I have caused by my parents. As an adult, it is pathetic for me to start blaming any faults or shortcomings of myself as a person or my life on my mummy or daddy.

[Lizzie60]

The majority of my childhood, my father was at work. So was my mum, but she was juggling work, home and night school. She did this for 15 years. They were not in love, they married because of my sister. Why they had 3 more kids I have no idea.

 

After the 15 years, she met someone at work and left our family. I lived with her and her new bf. He was an abusive alcoholic who used to walk in on me changing when I was 15, hoping to catch a nice juicy shot . She never protected me from him, and I ended up leaving home before I had finished school.

 

Yet, I am far more close to my mother than my father. In fact, I have cut him out of my life. I love my mum, she has made some mistakes sure, but I can also see the sacrifices she made.

 

I am working on fixing whatever emotional issues I have caused by my parents. As an adult, it is pathetic for me to start blaming any faults or shortcomings of myself as a person or my life on my mummy or daddy.[/quote]

 

I agree that nothing can be changed by blaming dad or mom.. but, bottom line, THEY are the ones to blame for any 'f*ck up' in the children.

 

I did some mistakes too.. but did huge sacrifices for my kids.. am I to blame for my son.. yes I think I am.. the huge mistakes I did was with him.. not with my daughter.. she has no problems.. but he does. The father is also to blame.

 

A lot of people tell me to just leave him alone, once he'll touch the bottom he will change... but I just can't.. I feel so guilty that I tell myself that he is STILL my responsibility... and will be until I just can't afford it anymore (emotionally, financially, etc.)

 

Kids DO NOT choose to come into this world.. but WE, as parents, choose to put them in it... so we have to deal with it.. it's a lifetime commitment.

 

You have the right attitude though.. good for you.

[Shellz937]

Awww, thanks sis. You're a real dear. (((hugs))) back.

 

X, you're so right about honoring our parents. But you should be able to vent here. It doesn't mean you're not able to honor them.

 

Well said Touche. You all are correct in your postings. Our parents do the best they can and don't mean to hurt us...sometimes. But you are right Touche at the beginning, you said as an adult we are responsible for what we do. We can not control our childhood; however, as adults we can't keep blaming mommy and daddy for every right and wrong. We have a great set of legs we may as well get up and use them.

 

The good book says we must honor thy parents, never said anything about liking them. Besides as children we have to listen to our parents, but once we turn 18 we can do what ever we want as long as we are able to stand up and face the consequences of our actions.

[wierdmunky]

I don't think mothers are "to blame" I know while I grew up mostly later teens and early 20's that my mother blamed me. I know its venting on her part and I think that its obvious that she just doesn't pay attention to exactly what she says and how it affects me when she says things, but its hard not to be critical when she asks me to be 10x more then what she is when were dealing with eachother. I've just learned not to respond sometimes!

[Shellz937]

Another good observation. This could possibly be true that mothers don't see how they hurt us and then they wonder why we're pissed at them.

[Never_Again]

Alright, i've read so many postings on here and I've found most of our issues come from our mothers.

 

Can someone explain to me why do mothers cause us the most grief?

 

My mom has always been an amazing mother my entire life. I aspire to be just like her.

 

I think that my issues stem more from my father than anyone else.

 

That being said, I don't think either particular gender has anything to do with it, I think it depends on the individual.