Need and want.

[Cov]

I have read a number of threads and posts on this forum and almost all of them use the word need and not want and this has gotten my scattered brain working away into overdrive.

 

Why do human's feel they need to be with someone? Is it human nature to need to be with someone or is it a case of human's being scared and deemed as a failure by society, or do human's feel they need to have someone in their life through better and worse?

 

When I think about all the things human's need I think of water, food, shelter, oxygen and sunlight/darkness.

 

When I think of what human's want, I think of love, relationships, friendship, clothes, a successful and happy existence, but ultimately human's will not die without any of these things, unlike the above.

 

I have a different take on love and relationship's to most, whilst a number of people feel they need to have someone, need to be loved and need to share themselves with someone, I don't feel I need to have any of these things.

 

Instead I go down the road of perhaps someday wanting these things, as opposed to needing them. I'm not going to die if someone isn't there for times in need and I'm not going to die if I do not get married or settle down with someone. So why do you people rely so heavily on finding someone, their soulmate? That special someone who makes your hid spin, your stomach feel knotted and who makes the world a better place?

 

I'm probably naive, but I could more than happily go through on my own, without anyone there for me when I wake up in the morning and when I close my eyes at night.

[Starla]

people use the word need without thinking it through i think...you just have to look at love songs to see how the word is used as a way of saying they love someone. but the fact is, no one NEEDS another person - they aren't going to drop dead on the floor or go up in a puff of smoke if a relationship breaks down, or they lose someone.

 

i do a lot of work with the children and young people in my care (i work in a children's home) on self esteem. i run programmes to help them develop coping skills, and classes where they can really achieve things....to try to build their confidence and help them value themselves. people with confidence would never place their chance for happiness on external things or other people - they would be happy and content whoever was in their life, and if they had a partner or not.

 

it's all about self worth and confidence.

[Cov]

I agree with you with all that you say, but I do generally feel there are people who feel they need to have someone, anyone in their life for a whole range of reasons. It's very disappointing to see people rely so heavily on another person isn't it? My friend Kevin is only with his girlfriend because he is afraid she will go over the edge if he leaves her. They have been together since they were thirteen, they are now twenty. The relationship lost its spark about two years ago and he is just with her because she relies on him so much.

 

I find it quite disheartening that people feel they are some how a failure if they do not have a special person in their life. I was always told that your life is measured by the friendship's that you make and the good that you do, not having the perfect nuclear family or finding the 'one'. I would also like to add that I would feel offended if a girl was to be with me, because she feels she needs to be with me as opposed to wanting to be with me, if this makes sense.

 

Cov!

[Starla]

yip it does, perfect sense!! :):) i would feel insulted and annoyed if someone was with me out of pity, or fear of being alone. and i want the people i love to be strong, and independent, and not feel the need to rely on other people. i would want for them to only invite people into their lives who they WANT to be there - so many people seem to stay in destructive relationships out of fear. and that's no way to live.

 

i'm 34, and can honestly say i can't care much if i get married or not. i plan to be happy whatever happens.

[Cov]

Thirty four is still young and I'm sure there's a lot of things you want to do in life, travelling and such? Are you a person who lets fate and nature takes its course instead of trying to force things together?

 

I often wonder why people spend so much of their time and energy worrying about the love/relationship aspect of their lives, because I feel they are missing out on other joyous chances in life. There are people who feel that being in love, having a relationship with that special person is the ultimate human fulfillment in life and I have to disagree. There's a lot of things I want to do with my life and if a special person enters the fray at some point, then wonderful, but at the tender age of 19, I've decided to let life follow naturally instead of spending my time trying to pursue woman, after woman trying to find the one and at 19, I am still young and should be enjoying what's left of my teenager period. Thanks for reading.

[Starla]

your attitude is fantastic - at 19 that is exactly how you should feel. there is a whole world out there for you to enjoy!! :):)

 

i've travelled quite a bit - i lived in se asia for years during my twenties, and am pretty ambitious career wise. i think if i were to meet someone then brilliant, but i would never force it. i suppose i do have the attitude about relationships that whatever will be, will be. :)

[somedude81]

One thing you have forgotten is that people DO need other people. If babies are not frequently held and spoken to, they will die. In older couples 70ish when one dies, it's not uncommon for the other to die soon after. Every seen the movie Castaway? Tom Hanks literally goes insane from a lack of contact with other people. So yes human contact is a need.

 

Lets narrow it down to relationships. How happy do you think a man or a woman would be if they've never had somebody in their life? The desire to have a partner is common to all humans. Nobody wants to be alone. A life of lonesomeness is not a happy one.

 

Narrowing it down to my life. I'm 25 and I haven't had a single relationship. Because of that I have low self-confidence, low self-esteem and depression. 90% of my thoughts are about me wanting a relationship or about a specific girl. Will I die if I don't get a girl? Probably not. Honestly I don't plan on being a 30 year old virgin. If I ever get that old and have made no progress I'll know that something is very wrong and it might not be worth continuing on.

[Starla]

hi dude....the OP i feel was just talking about relationships, and how people often use the word need instead of want, which is closer to the truth. but listen...why do you feel this way?? my sister was chronically shy and didn't have her first relationship until she was 30, and he is the man she married - a wonderful man!!! there is nothing wrong in being 25 and not had a girlfriend....sometimes i wish i had waited.

 

are you going to places where you can meet women? i don't mean bars - i mean maybe taking a night class, or joining an activity group, or a theatre company...something like that.

 

if you have confidence, it shines through, and people will be drawn to you!!

[Cov]

Human's need social interaction, that's evident, however human's can get on with their lives just as well with limited social interaction, a human won't die without much social interaction and a human won't die because they hasn't had a relationship. A baby and a small child is different, a baby and a small child won't suddenly get into a relationship, which is what I'm talking about, so your point is a nonentity.

 

There are people who do go through life without ever loving someone and there are people who go through life without ever having a relationship with someone, everyone's case is unique and different in its own way. It also depends on the person, some people go through numerous partners in their lives and lose all hope and reside to being on their own. Some people spend much of their life on their own and then one day meet that special person. Happiness is a loose term and depends solely on each person's view point. Some people are happy being on their own and have no desire to get into a relationship, whilst for other's a relationship is a key part of finding their happiness and fulfilling themselves.

 

You're right the desire is there in all human beings to pursue relationship's with the same sex or the opposite sex, but in some people's lives there are happenings that diminish this person's want/need for a relationship, it could be temporary or permanent, I cannot say. As for the saying no one wants to be alone, that's not entirely true is it? My Uncle is alone, single, has never been married, has no children and he is generally happy with his life. He has a fantastic career, fantastic friends and a fantastic family and he has so much more going on for him then searching for his special partner. You on the other hand are different and it's not wrong to want a relationship, it's not wrong to want to be loved and treasured, but I do feel it is wrong to feel the need to be loved and the I do feel it is wrong to enter a relationship with a person because you feel the need to, or you feel that you need to have that person. With the loneliness part of your post, you are entering muddy water's, as there's different types of loneliness. The type of loneliness you have is specifically geared towards relationship's.

 

Here's some food for thought, you say you have low-confidence, low-self esteem and suffer from depression. These feelings are major red flags and when a human being feels like this they portray these emotions strongly and any girl that probably has liked you before has been scared off by the problems you have with yourself and until you gain some confidence, improve your self-esteem and try to battle depression, you will have many more years of loneliness. Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude, but that's the truth. When you love yourself and become at one with yourself, at peace with yourself is when a woman will walk into your life.

 

Please correct me, if I am wrong, but it seems as though you feel having a woman in your life will make it so much better and that your low-self confidence, low self-esteem and depression will disappear and if you truly think this, then you are naive. Sure, having someone who loves you is fantastic, but if you do not love yourself it effectively means little. And being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed about, it's natural we are all born with virginity like we are born with two eyes and a nose. It's your decision when you choose to have sex, just because the Government cogs place an age limit for consent doesn't mean you to have sex then. And if you are that worried about being a virgin until you're dying day, then I suggest you visit some brothels.

Edited March 29, 2008 by Cov

[Milan721]

Cov...I wish I had your point of view when I was your age!

 

It would do a lot of people a lot of good to realize at an early age that they don't "need" anyone but themselves in order to be fulfilled.

 

Too many of us get into a cycle lust/love/heartbreak/loss when we are teenagers that we waste a lot of time obsessing about someone else rather than getting to know who we are as a complete and non-dependent person. This cycle sometimes never ends for a lot of people.

 

We end up in a lot of terrible relationships just because we are afraid to be alone.

[Lucky555]

wow very insightful to want and or to need......hmmm

 

At 19 you are very very smart. Great writer too.

 

There are some people who do thrive off from relationships because they do not ever want to be alone. I totally agree with you with the notion that you want them to be with you because they want to and not because they are alone. It does not feel very good if they need to be in a relationship because then its really not fair to you or anyone else in these types of situations.

 

Want is much more validating to a person than need. I believe you have the right perspective here.

 

But if you see something you like then don't be afraid to pursue it. Don't be a mat for girls to walk on but have confidence in yourself.

[somedude81]

As for the saying no one wants to be alone, that's not entirely true is it? My Uncle is alone, single, has never been married, has no children and he is generally happy with his life. He has a fantastic career, fantastic friends and a fantastic family and he has so much more going on for him then searching for his special partner.

Is your uncle truly single as in he's not dating anybody? Has he had girlfriends in the past? I wouldn't be surprised if he's dated several women and just hasn't found one he wants to commit to.

 

 

You on the other hand are different and it's not wrong to want a relationship, it's not wrong to want to be loved and treasured, but I do feel it is wrong to feel the need to be loved and the I do feel it is wrong to enter a relationship with a person because you feel the need to, or you feel that you need to have that person. With the loneliness part of your post, you are entering muddy water's, as there's different types of loneliness. The type of loneliness you have is specifically geared towards relationship's.

Do I feel the need to be loved and treasured? I don't think so. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why I want a girlfriend so badly. I think it's the natural human desire for companionship, the craving for sex and the media bombardment about relationships.

 

Yes my loneliness is specifically geared towards relationships. I have a very large loving family. But I have never felt the special type of love that only a romantic partner can give. I want a best friend I can talk about anything with, go anywhere with and do anything with.

Here's some food for thought, you say you have low-confidence, low-self esteem and suffer from depression. These feelings are major red flags and when a human being feels like this they portray these emotions strongly and any girl that probably has liked you before has been scared off by the problems you have with yourself and until you gain some confidence, improve your self-esteem and try to battle depression, you will have many more years of loneliness. Sorry, I don't mean to sound rude, but that's the truth. When you love yourself and become at one with yourself, at peace with yourself is when a woman will walk into your life.

I feel that I'm stuck in a catch 22. I depressed because I can't get a girl, and I can't get a girl because I'm depressed. I do try hard in public to have a good time. I'm a very different person around people, and when I'm sitting at home alone.

Please correct me, if I am wrong, but it seems as though you feel having a woman in your life will make it so much better and that your low-self confidence, low self-esteem and depression will disappear and if you truly think this, then you are naive. Sure, having someone who loves you is fantastic, but if you do not love yourself it effectively means little. And being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed about, it's natural we are all born with virginity like we are born with two eyes and a nose. It's your decision when you choose to have sex, just because the Government cogs place an age limit for consent doesn't mean you to have sex then. And if you are that worried about being a virgin until you're dying day, then I suggest you visit some brothels.

I have heard that before, that I am being naive by thinking that having somebody in my life will make my life better and remove my depression. But I'm 99% sure that the reason I am depressed is because I don't have anybody. If your foot was hurting because you stepped on a thorn and it's stuck in there. Don't you think it will stop hurting once you take it out?

 

As for my virginity. I don't like the idea of having to be so low that I have to pay for sex. I want to do things the real way. Unfortunately I have already seen a real naked women when I have gone to strip clubs so I don't want to spoil my first time.

[IndependentlyAfraid]

I don't think I would ever say "need", but I do know that even the most independent of people want companionship at some point in their lives. I am one of those people. I used to say the same thing after my divorce. I got married to escape my crazy family. Not because I was in love. I stayed there for 10 years. When I finally got divorced I had convinced myself that I didn't NEED anyone. I could live alone for the rest of my life and never give it a second thought. Then I met my current boyfriend. I dated A LOT. But when I met him, it was different. And suddenly, I am in love and I realize how much I enjoy the companionship. Even more so, it made me realize now that I have felt this, that I would never be happy being alone for the rest of my life. Because I have finally realized how great it feels to be in love.

[Cov]

Cov...I wish I had your point of view when I was your age!

 

It would do a lot of people a lot of good to realize at an early age that they don't "need" anyone but themselves in order to be fulfilled.

 

Too many of us get into a cycle lust/love/heartbreak/loss when we are teenagers that we waste a lot of time obsessing about someone else rather than getting to know who we are as a complete and non-dependent person. This cycle sometimes never ends for a lot of people.

 

We end up in a lot of terrible relationships just because we are afraid to be alone.

 

Thank you.

 

To expand on your point (highlighted in bold) I guess everyone has to learn through mistakes, luckily for me I learnt those mistakes through watching events unfold in my friends lives, so it prepared me for the next chapter of my life, other people as you say aren't so lucky. As for the cycle continuing for people, I guess some people feel their life is incomplete without someone being there with them so they can share the fruits of their labour. Some of people want someone, as opposed to needing someone and of course, vice versa. I think it's okay to want someone and to want a relationship, but when a person feels they need a relationship that's when the unhappiness sets in, in my humble opinion.

 

wow very insightful to want and or to need......hmmm

 

At 19 you are very very smart. Great writer too.

 

There are some people who do thrive off from relationships because they do not ever want to be alone. I totally agree with you with the notion that you want them to be with you because they want to and not because they are alone. It does not feel very good if they need to be in a relationship because then its really not fair to you or anyone else in these types of situations.

 

Want is much more validating to a person than need. I believe you have the right perspective here.

 

But if you see something you like then don't be afraid to pursue it. Don't be a mat for girls to walk on but have confidence in yourself.

 

I agree with the entirety of your post, but I especially like the sentence I have highlighted in bold, the first sentence is one of life's most important pieces of advice, those who are successful in life and happy in life are those who pursue their dreams and puruse the things they want, that's important and probably the most helpful piece of advice you can ever offer someone.

 

I don't think I would ever say "need", but I do know that even the most independent of people want companionship at some point in their lives. I am one of those people. I used to say the same thing after my divorce. I got married to escape my crazy family. Not because I was in love. I stayed there for 10 years. When I finally got divorced I had convinced myself that I didn't NEED anyone. I could live alone for the rest of my life and never give it a second thought. Then I met my current boyfriend. I dated A LOT. But when I met him, it was different. And suddenly, I am in love and I realize how much I enjoy the companionship. Even more so, it made me realize now that I have felt this, that I would never be happy being alone for the rest of my life. Because I have finally realized how great it feels to be in love.

 

You are of course right with what you say (especially with the parts I where I have used italics). Every person wants companionship, either through friends or through a partner, but wanting is different to needing, a human doesn't need to be in a relationship with 2.4 children, for example. And different people find companionship in different areas, some through friends, other through friends and a relationship with a partner, some take up residency with cats and dogs, everyone is different. What makes one person happy, won't necessarily make another person happy.

 

It's great that you have found love with a special person, but other people choose to accept that their special partner will never come and they choose to be alone and other's like being alone, shut away from people and life, I personally wouldn't find great comfort with solidarity, but that's just me.

[Cov]

Is your uncle truly single as in he's not dating anybody? Has he had girlfriends in the past? I wouldn't be surprised if he's dated several women and just hasn't found one he wants to commit to.

 

He hasn't been on a date for over twenty years and hasn't been in a relationship for well over two decades now and he is perfectly fine. He admitted at first it was strange for him, because he always had women who fancied him, but he soon discovered that there was so much more to life than just women, relationship's, marriage and children and concentrated on other aspects in life. He's been travelling, he's accomplished a lot with his life and he still has enough time to forge a relationship, but he is in rush to start searching. His view point is "if it happens, it happens" and I think this is an admirable attitude to have.

 

 

Do I feel the need to be loved and treasured? I don't think so. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why I want a girlfriend so badly. I think it's the natural human desire for companionship, the craving for sex and the media bombardment about relationships.

 

You perhaps need to evaluate your life (if you haven't done so already) and try and figure why you want a girlfriend. You're right it is human nature to want companionship and relationship's, but it's not human nature to feel you need a relationship, that's the crux of this debate. I don't want to get personal, but is there anything else you want to do in life? Have you ever thought about travelling somewhere where you have yet to step foot? Do you want to try out a new sport? Try out a new hobby? These things are just as important as a relationship and I can't help feeling that when a person spends too much time contemplating about relationship's and the joy and sorrow they carry forth that a person is actually missing out on doing what they'd like to do. I could be wrong though, but that's how I felt.

 

Yes my loneliness is specifically geared towards relationships. I have a very large loving family. But I have never felt the special type of love that only a romantic partner can give. I want a best friend I can talk about anything with, go anywhere with and do anything with.

 

That's really nice and I want that too, and I almost had it, but even in a relationship (a good one or a bad one) you can feel lonely, too. Having a partner doesn't suddenly mean you are immune to the scruff of loneliness. Ever been to a concert with thousands of people and felt alone? I have and it's rather ironic, but even in the busiest of places a person can feel alone. Of course, a relationship can be a special and liberating experience for anyone, love is the most vigorous of all human emotion's in my book.

 

I feel that I'm stuck in a catch 22. I depressed because I can't get a girl, and I can't get a girl because I'm depressed. I do try hard in public to have a good time. I'm a very different person around people, and when I'm sitting at home alone.

 

Trying is the key word when a human tries to show emotion's he/she does not truly feel it can be obvious and seen as a falsity, just as much as it can prove an effective balacava. When a human truly feels an emotion (whatever that maybe) it will show and it will come across as sincere and genuine. I'm not expert, but I'm not sure your depressing and low confidence/self esteem is solely down to the fact you do not have a partner, I think it goes deeper than that, but as I say - I'm no expert.

 

I have heard that before, that I am being naive by thinking that having somebody in my life will make my life better and remove my depression. But I'm 99% sure that the reason I am depressed is because I don't have anybody. If your foot was hurting because you stepped on a thorn and it's stuck in there. Don't you think it will stop hurting once you take it out?

 

There's only one way you can find out if your depression is down to not having a relationship with someone, I guess you'll have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get a relationship and then notice any change in yourself. But I'm not entirely convinced that a relationship will squash the depression that burns brightly inside you. I'll eat humble pie, if I am fundamentally wrong, though.

 

As for my virginity. I don't like the idea of having to be so low that I have to pay for sex. I want to do things the real way. Unfortunately I have already seen a real naked women when I have gone to strip clubs so I don't want to spoil my first time

 

It was a tongue in cheek joke, I don't like the idea of strip club's and brothels either, so it's admirable to find someone who see's sex as something special and not just a fad.