Now I've done it.

[skswzdm]

Looks like I ruined a perfectly good thing. I am very sad about this, she is a wonderful lady. I've known her for about 2-3 years. We've been good friends for about 6mos. to a year. I'm suffering from RJ. I have encountered it before, and it bothered me but I handled it. I've never had it like this. We both have long histories, hers a little longer 'cause she's 47 and I'm 40. The age does'nt effect me as much as I think it may effect her, she seems to have some self esteem hangups with her body as well. She's a little overweight and I can tell she is very self conscious, but she tries to hide it. She said once to me that I have inspired her to get back into shape, she was going to a personal trainer but she quit and she recently got a treadmill. She has an incredibly beutiful face and a great personality to boot. I think she's beutiful in all ways. She seems to strongly identify herself with past relationships. She says my past bothers her a little, but that one of her strengths is that she can separate the present from the past. She seems to try to compensate for insecurities by mentioning her sexual past sometimes, and past partners- not in great detail, but in passing almost as if to say "I know I'm desirable because all these great people wanted me". She said once, "sex is easy to come by but great sex is not". I know this is true, but up until that moment her past did'nt really bother me, but since it feel like it's held up a some kind of a threat or cudgel. (sp) She tries to come across as really experienced and well adjusted when it comes to sex. She hints at the fact that she's had a lot of partners and that it was "just sex" and "sex is not love" which is again true, but it's hard to deal with sometimes and I've started to resent the comments sometimes. Like yesterday, we were driving through a part of town and she said she used to go there to do things with friends, they stayed here, the went there, etc. Then we passed a sex shop and she said "ooh, there's the adult store." I said "what did you get there?" She said " you know, just gifts because you never know....". I made the mistake of not clearing the air right then, and waited 'til later when I was a little upset and she broke down and said she had never been to an adult store "one of those places" is how she put it. Why would she make something up like this, is she possibly resentful of me for some reason and she keeps hitting me with this stuff to do "one-upmanship". Sometimes I feel like there's competition involved. She says she has only told 3 people that she loved them, and that I was the first instance where she said "I love you" first. Sometimes she really makes me feel special, I do love her greatly, then sometimes I feel silly and a bit like I'm just another dude. Of course I have some esteem issues too, which does not help. I just don't know. I may have driven her away last night, I'd been drinking and should never have callled her because she's out of town and I probably ruined the trip. Man I can be an *******! I was nice though, I just tried to present it because we agreed that we would deal with this stuff when it comes up because we want to work it out. I also came across a letter, and made the unbelievably bad choice of reading it. I admitted this as well, I won't hide stuff or lie to her. That would definitely be the end. I don't think we can recover from this. I'm afraid to call her, she's probably had it. Just need some input to help get my head straight.

[Starla]

i don't think i really understand...what have you done?? are you upset because you phoned her??

 

one thing that strikes me is that you say you've known each other for a few years, and been friends for 6 months, yet you don't seem to really talk. much of the chat between you doesn't seem to be truthful.

 

she has low self esteem i think, and feels the need to fabricate stories to make her seem more interesting, and your equal. she really needs to work on this by doing things that will raise her confidence.

 

i understand you're scared to contact her, but suck it up, really. i'd say she's not feeling great about herself and could do with feeling cared for, so do it.

[skswzdm]

This retro jealousy is the root of my problems in this relationship. It drives bad thoughts and feelings toward her that I hate and want to stop. Her occasional comments don't help me manage it. Sometimes I feel I really have things in perspective, then other times it becomes consuming and prevents me from being myself with her. We do talk about what's happening with me. She has determined that the problem is with me, not her. That she has a past that she will not apologize for and seems to be proud of. I told her that I don't know any men that aren't effected by statements about their s.o.'s former love life, I'm sure there are some, I wish I had some of that strength.

[annieo]

I agree with Starla, in that she seems insecure. If she's feeling not so great about herself or about the age difference, she's bringing up all this stuff from her "glory days" of being a hot chick, so you'll realize how lucky you are, or that she has other options. Best defense is a good offense kind of thinking.

If you really love her and want to make it work, tell her. The more reassured she feels, the less she will resort to these tactics to boost her self esteem by making you jealous. I think for many women, having a man crazy with jealousy is like some kind of proof of love. Give her lots of other indications of love and just come out and tell her that what she's doing is hurting you.

[skswzdm]

Thanks starla and annieo! I know that I can beat this thing, it's mind over matter. I actually have been doing better with this retro jeal. thing, I just slip back a little when she throws stuff out there.

 

My original post is not totally clear on the letter. I found this letter hidden in a drawer at her apt. I was there because I was locked out of my place. It was from an ex, it sounded like a similar situation to the one I'm in now, but much worse- he was violent she told me after I admitted to reading it. She made a big deal about the fact that he was a really bad guy, and that it really was irrelevant to our situation, although I feel there are similarities. I'm a little worried about the breach of trust here and I hope she can forgive me. I love her and want to work this out, I felt if I read it, it might contain some clues as to what I can do now to deal with this. I'm not sneaky, and I told her, I won't lie to her about it. I'd been drinking with a bud, and I made the stupid decision to read it, I wouldn't have otherwise- no excuse though. I don't believe she was that upset about it. I just should not have called her that late and when she was so far away. She's on vacation with family friends in another state- I feel really guilty about not having the strength to hold off on this 'til she got back. I wouldn't want her calling me with stuff like this if I were away. She did say, however, that I'm not the person she thought I was and that she thought that I was more secure in our relationship. That whole "not the person she thought I was" really has me worried.

[Starla]

something is missing here. you're not being honest. you are hiding something.

[Starla]

my guess is, you're not whiter than white.

[skswzdm]

Please elaborate. Do you mean hiding my past? Do you mean hiding my true feelings and not being honest because people might get hurt.? Starla, please throw in some more!