RobertA7 Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I´ve been going out with my girlfriend for about a month and I really like her. The other night there was a house party that she couldnt go to where i got really drunk ( I know its not an excuse) and lost my virginity to a friend. Many people know about us spending the night together and suspect the worst. Ever since the guilt has been eating me up from inside, i feel horrible and wish it had never happened, its so bad that I left the house this morning crying. I dont know what to do, i could cover it up but probably couldnt live with decieving her like that. The alternative is that I could tell her, but risk losing her which I couldnt stand. Please give me some advice. Don´t bother having a go because, believe me i´ve already had a go in every possible way at myself. thankyou
SoStupid Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I´ve been going out with my girlfriend for about a month and I really like her. The other night there was a house party that she couldnt go to where i got really drunk ( I know its not an excuse) and lost my virginity to a friend. Many people know about us spending the night together and suspect the worst. Ever since the guilt has been eating me up from inside, i feel horrible and wish it had never happened, its so bad that I left the house this morning crying. I dont know what to do, i could cover it up but probably couldnt live with decieving her like that. The alternative is that I could tell her, but risk losing her which I couldnt stand. Please give me some advice. Don´t bother having a go because, believe me i´ve already had a go in every possible way at myself. thankyou She deserves to know, Tell her and face what you have done. Good Luck.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 You owe her the truth, even more so because you're a virgin and she knows you're a virgin. I don't think you'll be able to lie to her and tell her she's your first, when infact she wouldn't be. You might want to get an STD test just to make sure you didn't catch anything... I'm sure this is a painful lesson for you and sadly, you more than likely will lose your girlfriend over this. Part of the consquence of cheating, you take a big chance on losing out on someone special for afew moments of fun on the side..
Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I dont know what to do, i could cover it up but probably couldnt live with decieving her like that. The alternative is that I could tell her, but risk losing her which I couldnt stand. Please give me some advice. Don´t bother having a go because, believe me i´ve already had a go in every possible way at myself. thankyou Quit your whining and man-up. You're a cad. Own it. Don't like others "having a go?" then behave yourself.
Lizzie60 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I say do not tell her.. you've only been dating for a month. Maybe it won't last anyway.. so just be good..
norajane Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Tell her, as soon as possible. Many people know about us spending the night together and suspect the worst. Because if you don't tell her, someone else will. And it is way worse if she hears it from someone else. You risk losing her, but if she hears it from someone else, you'll lose her anyway. You didn't have much respect for your gf when you were having sex with the other girl; at least have enough respect for her to be honest about what you did. Man up, and face the consequences.
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Just tell her. It's the right thing to do and I personally couldn't live with myself if I decieved someone I cared about.
Citizen Erased Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Tell her. If you have already cheated on her after only a month, it does not look like a long lasting relationship anyway. You may think you can contain it, but you cannot. Especially if other people know. You are only making the situation even worse in the long run.
Author RobertA7 Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 thanks everyone. ive thought about it and im thinking of seeing how things play out. i do not want to lose her so i wont tell her, for now. If she hears it from someone else, shell confront me about it and I will tell her the truth and then tell her how I dont want to lose her and ask for forgiveness. Any thoughts?
Prosecco Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I love people who ask for advice and then ignore it. Personally - I think people who cheat are despicable. But... I can moderate my opinion slightly. If I heard from someone else my boyfriend had cheated, and I confronted him... if he admitted it, and said he was hiding it just to keep me? ... It would be the fastest a man had ever left my life, ever. And I suspect my strong circle of friends would be out to make his life hell too, whether I wanted them to or not. If (as happened), my boyfriend told me immediately after it happened, and was genuinely remorseful, I'd consider forgiving him. In my case, he'd only pulled another girl - I forgave him, we went out for 3 years after that. If he'd slept with someone, it would have been over. But - to HIDE the fact you cheated, is a double betrayal. It's also showing you're a coward. And seriously - if you're capable of cheating (especially since drinking lowers libido/ability to perform), however drunk you were - I'd reevaluate your relationship. Afterall - if she's all that, doesn't she deserve someone a little better than you? (Btw - she'll find out. It might take time, but people always find out.)
Bobby.Roy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (Btw - she'll find out. It might take time, but people always find out.) I totally agree, she WILL find out for sure and then, if you beg for forgiveness, i am pretty sure the relationship is gonna be a mess..Ask me! My true suggestion to you would be just tell her and ask for forgiveness. She might not forgive you, but atleast you wouldn't have to HIDE it all..Just tell her man, its the best thing to do..
directx Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Oh yeah. Word will get around you cheated. Gossip travels fast. Remember this feeling for when you are married, where cheating can really mess things up.
Lizzie60 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 thanks everyone. ive thought about it and im thinking of seeing how things play out. i do not want to lose her so i wont tell her, for now. If she hears it from someone else, shell confront me about it and I will tell her the truth and then tell her how I dont want to lose her and ask for forgiveness. Any thoughts? Good.. because you're risking to lose her.. and it was a stupid mistake..right? It's been only a month.. not 10 years.. lol.. you're still in the dating game.. so it's no big deal. Don't go through all this hassle for a stupid mistake.. but from now on BE GOOD!!!
norajane Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 thanks everyone. ive thought about it and im thinking of seeing how things play out. i do not want to lose her so i wont tell her, for now. If she hears it from someone else, shell confront me about it and I will tell her the truth and then tell her how I dont want to lose her and ask for forgiveness. Any thoughts? Thoughts? Yes, you are choosing to let other people control your life. Will you enjoy living in fear that other people can destroy your relationship at any moment by telling her you cheated? You like being at the mercy of other people? Thoughts? Yes, she will dump your ass much quicker if she hears it from someone else than if you are honest with her. Man up and tell her yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you.
EllaDerSpin Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 thanks everyone. ive thought about it and im thinking of seeing how things play out. i do not want to lose her so i wont tell her, for now. If she hears it from someone else, shell confront me about it and I will tell her the truth and then tell her how I dont want to lose her and ask for forgiveness. Any thoughts? You are much less likely to lose her if you tell her the truth now. Lying is much worse than cheating.
Citizen Erased Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 thanks everyone. ive thought about it and im thinking of seeing how things play out. i do not want to lose her so i wont tell her, for now. If she hears it from someone else, shell confront me about it and I will tell her the truth and then tell her how I dont want to lose her and ask for forgiveness. Any thoughts? You never had any intention of doing anything different, so I have to wonder why you asked for advice? I hope she realises exactly the type of person you are.
Author RobertA7 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I came here to get advice because I didnt know what to do, based on what people told me to do, I partly decided not to say anything and partly decided that if she asked I would be honest because I believe in forgiveness, and I would and have before forgiven someone in the same situation. Now i´ll probably now be bombarded with people telling me im an ******* etc, I know this, but I also know that I will never repeat my mistakes as is my character. Thanks you everyone for the advice and trust me it has been used no matter what you say. And please if you give me more advice, try to think what you would do in the same situation because before this, I would have said the same as most of you, tell her straight off, but it feels different when it is happening to you. If we are still happily together in a few months, i´ll post on this thread.
MalachiX Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 How to get a message board to hate you in two easy steps by RobertA7. I partly decided not to say anything and partly decided that if she asked I would be honest because I believe in forgiveness, and I would and have before forgiven someone in the same situation. Not the point whether you'd forgive the same thing or not. I know this, but I also know that I will never repeat my mistakes as is my character. Also not the point. And please if you give me more advice, try to think what you would do in the same situation because before this, I would have said the same as most of you, tell her straight off, but it feels different when it is happening to you. Well, for starters, I wouldn't have had sex with another person. Alcohal makes it HARDER to get an erection and have sex. You may be more open to the possability but it's not something that just happens on accident. A kiss? Yes maybe. Grouping? Perhaps. But sex takes a little work and there are a number of points where you can stop yourself. Anyway, if I had cheated, yes I would tell. The first reason would be for my own sanity. If things continued with this girl, every time she made me happy or told me she loved me I'd remember the time I betrayed her and the fact that she didn't know. I couldn't take the fact that every day of the relationship I was continueing to betray this person I supposedly cared about. The second reason is one of praticallity. SHE'S GONNA FIND OUT! You were at a party. People saw you. You already said there have been grumblings. If you come clean on your own, then perhaps there's a future. If you don't tell her without prompting, how the hell can she ever trust you again? If we are still happily together in a few months, i´ll post on this thread. So, you think in a few months, if you're still together, it's going to be better for you to drop this bombshell? Tell her that after only a month with her you couldn't keep it in your pants AND you didn't have the decency to tell her then, you wanted to make her continue to fall in love with you so it would be harder or you just didn't want to deal with the fallout? Honestly, think about this. You said you were a virgin before. What happens when you two finally sleep together and she asks you how your first time was? Lots of girls get very sentimental about being a guy's first time or just the first time they sleep with a guy. Do you really think that's going to be a good moment to bring it up or are you going to lie again?
Author RobertA7 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) How to get a message board to hate you in two easy steps by RobertA7. Not the point whether you'd forgive the same thing or not. yes it is because i am trying to explain my reasoning for coming to this decision. Well, for starters, I wouldn't have had sex with another person. Alcohal makes it HARDER to get an erection and have sex. You may be more open to the possability but it's not something that just happens on accident. A kiss? Yes maybe. Grouping? Perhaps. But sex takes a little work and there are a number of points where you can stop yourself. youre right i dunno wat came over me because im into my girlfriend, and ive always been faithful in the past, i didnt try to stop, it didnt come into my mind, nothing did, at all, the girl i was with, i just didnt think about anything. putting it all into perspective, i have realised my mistake and the gravity of it, i have realised that i am not as good a person as i thought i was and because of all this, i have learnt..... so if i did tell her...................how do i keep her? Edited March 31, 2008 by RobertA7
sally4sara Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 You should tell her if you want a shot at keeping her. I can't promise she won't drop you, but she will be more likely to keep an honest cheat over a lying one. Plus, if she has to find out from someone else, she will feel betrayed AND humiliated. You cheat and everyone knows? Yeah thats fun! If you tell her, she might not have to find out you were also indiscreet about it. Can't promise that no one (or your "friend") won't tell her anyway though. Good luck
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 There are two people in this relationship. Whether you like it or not, you took a course of actions which has affected the course of how the relationship could run. Right now, you're also with-holding the appropriate information which would allow your girlfriend to make an appropriate appraisal of her situation. Effectively you're living a lie and you're forcing your girlfriend to live a lie too. Now, if you came clean and told her what happened... sure she's going to be mad... and like others have said, I can't promise it won't be a deal-breaker. But being honest about it and shouldering the responsibility is in part addressing that part of your character which she will perceive as dishonorable. You will effectively be stepping up to the plate and saying 'yes, it was my fault, and I'm sorry'. That goes a very long way in establishing (or re-establishing) the start of communication. If you fail to step up - you're disempowering her and quite frankly, it will set the wrong foundation for your relationship. In addition to that, if you want to have a hope in hell of this relationship surviving - it's best she know now rather than later... because finding out later, even much later is damn sure to make her drop you.
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