Doubting Myself?

[IndependentlyAfraid]

First of all... I am new to this forum. I have a couple of friends who have been on gaming forums for years and have literally become invisible friends with the people on these forums - happy to enjoy the anonymity they provide. I am hoping to find the same thing here.

 

So, I am 30 years old and in love for the first time in my life. I have been with my boyfriend for a little more than 8 months. When we met, we were both dating other people - nothing serious. Both of us were recently out of marriages and enjoying our freedom. So things started very lightly. But within a few months, neither of us could deny how we were feeling. I am more stubborn than he is, so I denied for a longer amount of time... or rather I suppressed it. I had stopped dating other people, but I was not sure if he had. In October I finally asked the question and found out there was someone else that he was still seeing occasionally but it was not serious. He told me then that he was in love with me but that he was having trouble just cutting all ties with this other person because he had inadvertently gotten way too involved with her 4 year old daughter and her family. He said that he felt it would be easier if he let me get rid of that relationship "his way" - which meant just becoming unavailable and letting her make the decision to end it.

 

In January (by now we are full force IN LOVE.), I found out that he had gone to two events in December with her and her family. He had taken his son with him to those events (as a buffer he says). I found out because she put up pictures on her MySpace page of the events. Two of the pictures had him and her, together. Not like hugging or cuddling, but arm in arm posing for the picture. In both pictures, his son or someone else is in the picture. Now, before this, he took me to Georgia with him to meet his family for Thanksgiving, he spent Christmas evening with me and my family, and he spent New Years with me. I got upset and confronted him about it. He says I am overreacting - he is sorry that I am upset and looking back he should have just avoided the event but that he really likes her family and friends and doesn't have a lot of friends here (which is true) so he enjoys the chance to mingle with them. He says the "process" is still going on and to PLEASE trust him.

 

Now, from January to March, I am practically living with him. I am at his place 4-5 nights a week. Last fall, my son and I along with his son and him had pictures taken. Most of the pictures were separate, but we did get some with all four of us and with him and I together. In his house, he has some of these pictures in frames in his living room and bedroom and one on his fridge. And we are almost ALWAYS together. Except for the weekends. Just about every weekend, I have my son and so I don't see him as much. Sometimes we do stuff with all of us together, but not usually. He gets his son sporadically throughout the week and weekend so he lets me enjoy my limited time with my son on my own. In the beginning of March, we had a conversation about us living together. Both of our leases are up this summer and we talked about finding a bigger place that we could both share. Things are moving well.

 

Now, on St. Patty's Day, he went downtown with a guy friend of his. I had my son. A friend of mine saw him down there talking to a girl - when she described the girl, I knew in my gut who it was. Now, I did something that is VERY unlike me. I created a fake MySpace profile with an group St Patty's Day photo I found on the internet and sent her a message asking if her and "Stan" were at the certain bar. Her answer - Yes. I confronted him again. He says he ran into her there - didn't go there to meet her. Seems random to me. This started a storm as he said because she started contacting him. He says that I have peaked her interest again because now all the sudden some other woman may be interested. He says that she was getting so frustrated with his lack of contact with her that she was just about ready to "end it". During this last discussion, he tells me... "be patient with me through this... let me get through this... and there is nothing else... you have 100%".

 

Now let me tell you this, this is a man who I love. He is the first thing on my mind when I wake up, the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I prefer to sleep next to him any day then sleep alone. He is the person I call first when something good or something bad happens. When he walks into a room, I smile instantly. And its the same for him. I see the way he watches me when he thinks I am not looking. The way he smiles like a teenage boy when I get home from work. We are in love. That is what blows my mind.

 

But, on nights like tonight... when I have my son, and he is flying solo... headed downtown to meet his friend at a bar... my imagination goes wild. Is he seeing her? Is she going to be there? I feel like I have turned into some super jealous woman - which is something I have NEVER been. I am looking for some unbiased advice... can this work? Will I ever be able to overcome my jealousy? Will I ever be able to trust him completely? Am I overreacting? Should I just be patient for awhile longer?

 

There is much more detail to this story... but it will be a novel if I keep writing. I look forward to your feedback.

[shanny]

Wow... that is confusing. I believe that he loves you... but he is faced with a choice right now. His two choices are upsetting you or upsetting her and he is choosing to upset you. You should not stand for that. Doesn't he know that people break up every day? What is he so afraid of with this girl? Is he that much of a wimp that he can't end it with somebody? My god, they are not even married... it would be a clean break. No lawyers or anything.

 

Now normally I think ultimatums SUCK, but I don't think you have a choice but to give him one. Present it to him as I did... who do you want to upset, me or her? Who's feelings are more important to you?

 

Does this girl still think that they are an item? Not to be rude, but if she does, then she would be upset that they are not having sex. So if they're not, then she has to know something is up, right?

 

The worse thing is that he is trying to hide this from you. From your description I have no doubt that he loves you. I guess he doesn't understand that loving someone means being totally honest with them. I truly feel for you... being overcome with jealousy is a miserable thing. He has to be told what his actions are doing to you.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[norajane]

He says that I have peaked her interest again because now all the sudden some other woman may be interested. He says that she was getting so frustrated with his lack of contact with her that she was just about ready to "end it".

BULL****. He's waiting for her to end things out of frustration? What, did he lose his balls somewhere? A guy who wants to end a relationship DOES. He is not married to her, the daughter is not his, he sees her because he WANTS to.

 

She obviously doesn't know he's been seeing you, if he says that this so-called competition is piquing her interest in him. He's lying to her and hiding that from her so he can keep seeing her. And he's lying to you about her. BULL****.

 

If he wanted to end this, he would have told her a long, long time ago that he has a girlfriend. If his excuse is the daughter, he is only making things worse by sticking around. He doesn't WANT to end this with her.

 

During this last discussion, he tells me... "be patient with me through this... let me get through this... and there is nothing else... you have 100%

More BULL****. You've been waiting 6 months for him to end it. He doesn't respect your feelings about this issue AT ALL.

 

Tell him you're done being patient and it's time for him to take some time and decide what he wants. In the meantime, you are removing yourself from the equation because you are 100% certain you do not want to share a man with anyone, so you will not be seeing him until he has ended things with this other woman.

 

And, please, DO NOT move in with this guy! Actually, you need to reconsider whether you even want to be with a guy who is such a big liar.

 

And get yourself tested for STD's. You have no idea if he's been having sex with her every weekend he's not with you.

Edited March 30, 2008 by norajane

[nicki]

I agree with Shanny and NoraJane.

 

I've been in this situation before. The best thing you can do is to tell him that you don't want to share a man (like NoraJane said), that you want to be the only woman in his life.

 

Tell him you don't compete with other women so you are taking yourself out of this equation because he's not taking himself or her out of the equation. Then back way off. Don't talk to him on the phone as friends, or anything else until he is free of her.

 

Yes, many guys lack the balls to confront this kind of behavior, but they are most likely getting something out of it, whether it's an ego stroke or simply keeping the other woman on the line.

 

He's maniupulating you when he says that you are piquing her interest in him. It's called deflection. It's a defensive, cowardly way for him to avoid taking the action he needs to take to keep you. He's not acting like a loyal boyfriend, so he doesn't get the benefits of you being his girlfriend. Reciprocity. Equality. Balance.

 

So, let him know that you will be available when he is completely available, both physically and emotionally. Then go no contact until he works his crap out.

 

I predict he'll get rid of her quickly in order to keep you. If he doesn't, well, then, at least you won't allow yourself to be the other woman. And you won't want him anymore anyway.

 

He's testing you to see how much you will take and how much he can get away with. Draw a line in the sand and take yourself out of the equation until things change.

 

A guy has to know you will walk over important issues like this. It's a deal breaker as is.

[IndependentlyAfraid]

Thanks so much for all of your feedback. You are both sort of correct. There are a lot more details that I didn't write originally because the post would have been ridiculously long. But a lot of those conversations have been had. Believe me - she really is delusional in thinking that there is still anything between them - because there is no way she ever gets to see him. I am ALWAYS around. And he didn't mean that I piqued her interest because she knows about me - I did because I sent her a question from a female and then refused to answer any of her emails asking who I was or how I knew her or him. So she started asking questions. She doesn't know about me at all. Nothing about me. I have thought many times about sending her a myspace message from my regular profile - my default picture would tell her all she needed to know. But I can't bring myself to do it.

 

What you all have to understand is this... I am not some naive high school girl who gets roped into believing the world... I have been around, I have been burned, I have seen and experienced a LOT... I know he loves me... And the problem is, I do the same. I have tried to convince myself to do that - back away and make him end it now. But it hurts me so bad to do that... to take him out of my life... even temporarily...

 

I know... I sound ridiculous... Our last "out" over this topic was pretty intense and so hopefully we are close to moving away from it. I know that he has taken some steps - he is sharing with me a lot about it... maybe too much. As is usual in my life, I think I am being punished because I am so strong... because I am so resiliant. That is why I am given this to cope with... because I look for it...

 

I will keep you updated... Thanks again!

[norajane]

Thanks so much for all of your feedback. You are both sort of correct. There are a lot more details that I didn't write originally because the post would have been ridiculously long. But a lot of those conversations have been had. Believe me - she really is delusional in thinking that there is still anything between them - because there is no way she ever gets to see him. I am ALWAYS around.

 

No, you are not. You are not around on weekends:

And we are almost ALWAYS together. Except for the weekends. Just about every weekend, I have my son and so I don't see him as much.

 

And he didn't mean that I piqued her interest because she knows about me - I did because I sent her a question from a female and then refused to answer any of her emails asking who I was or how I knew her or him. So she started asking questions. She doesn't know about me at all. Nothing about me.

 

Exactly. How is it in all this time he has never told her about you? Why not? He didn't tell her because he still wants to see her. If she knew about you, he would be finished. It's that easy.

[shanny]

I think you are in denial and making excuses for him. Put yourself outside the situation and think of what advice you would give a friend if they were going through it. I know that's hard, but as an outsider it is just so glaringly obvious that you are being disrespected and walked all over. In your mind this is a caring, committed, exclusive relationship, yet he is seeing someone else... I don't care what the reasons for seeing someone else are... And anyway, his reason is pretty lame.

 

Do you in your heart believe that he is so weak can he can't end a relationship with another woman? Do you believe that he has no backbone? Probably not or you would not be with him.

 

I hate to be this harsh, but you have to give him an ultimatum. You are sharing your man with another woman and if that were acceptable to you then you wouldn't have posted here. Take action... If you need help as to how to approach it, ask here. You'll get a lot of good advice.

 

Keep us posted.

[crrogers]

Wow, he has been seeing the other woman a LONG time. You really need to be careful in this situation, both emotionally and physcially. I second the idea that you need to get a complete STD panel done because in your heart of hearts, you know that he is having sex with the other woman, too.

 

You really need to think about what kind of example you are setting for your daughter....

[SueBee3490]

Exactly. How is it in all this time he has never told her about you? Why not? He didn't tell her because he still wants to see her. If she knew about you, he would be finished. It's that easy.

 

This is what I'm wondering. Why doesn't he tell her about you - that would be a surefire way to get out of that relationship and continue on with you. He could tell her that he's found someone new and that he wants to end it with her. I think Norajane is right in that he doesn't want to end it with her, hence the lying to her about you.

 

This sounds like my bf only I was the poor idiot he was dating first and cheating behind my back. I asked him why he never told these women about me (at least most of them didn't know about me) and the few that did were ones he cried on their shoulder about how unhappy he was with me so they had pity sex with him. But he told me he didn't tell the others he was cheating on me with about me because he didn't want to lose me. So instead of being upfront with me and letting me go he just lead me on for quite a while. I think if I met a man who was with another, that's my red flag that he's not worth it and there's only heartache in the future. If he can't be man enough to be honest with her, what makes you think he will be honest with you?

[IndependentlyAfraid]

Wow... tough answers... but I appreciate them. You are right that in my heart, I know the advice I would give my friends about the situation... Believe me, I have thought about it before. I sometimes think I am putting up with it because I just want as much of his time as possible.... as much of this feeling as possible. I have been with a lot of people and I have never felt this feeling before. And I hate to lose it. So I think that is why I am tolerating this much. Because whenever we are together, I look in his eyes and I get lost. He sees past my exterior and knows ME... even more importantly... I let him in past my exterior... I don't usually do that... I have NEVER done that.

 

This is still going to take some time on my part. I know in my heart that the ultimatum is the best way to go... I just wish someone would lock me away and take all modes of communication away so that I could actually do that...

[norajane]

Wow... tough answers... but I appreciate them. You are right that in my heart, I know the advice I would give my friends about the situation... Believe me, I have thought about it before. I sometimes think I am putting up with it because I just want as much of his time as possible.... as much of this feeling as possible. I have been with a lot of people and I have never felt this feeling before. And I hate to lose it. So I think that is why I am tolerating this much. Because whenever we are together, I look in his eyes and I get lost. He sees past my exterior and knows ME... even more importantly... I let him in past my exterior... I don't usually do that... I have NEVER done that.

 

And while you're doing all that opening up and letting him in, letting him see who you are, what is he doing? Is he opening up and letting you see him? In a way he is - he is showing you that while you're letting him deeeep into your heart, he's still seeing someone else.

 

Not a fair trade, IMO.