Busted MM Today...and that felt good :)

[Gwyneth]

It was coming, just wasn't sure when.

 

You know, I opened my heart to have him in my life while I'm pregnant, and then for when the baby is born. I felt that it was the right choice to make not for me, but for the baby (which is his if you aren't up to speed with me). Maybe being pregnant has made me wiser, or maybe seeing other people's stories is making me wiser--or maybe it's a combination of both. I am just sick and tired of his BS and Lies. He lies about the dumbest things too.

 

Since I never told you his occupation, I will now because it doesn't make sense unless I tell you. He's a conductor, and that's how I met him.... That is also how I knew he wasn't at work during the month he was injured--because he wasn't there to collect my ticket (so no, I wasn't spying on him--it was just common knowledge).

 

Well today I took the train to work (yes, on Saturdays I have to work ) and when I got off the train I was telling him about these weird dreams I've been having lately. We talked on the train too, as we agreed to remain friends and try very hard to get along for the sake of the baby (he lets me ride for free too...). So, for the baby I am accepting him into my life. After I told him about my weird dreams, he said he had to meet this old lady in about ten minutes who he hasn't seen in a while--which I felt was strange. I figured she was a passenger or something, but I felt he was lying to me, and we agreed to have an open and honest friendship since I am pregnant with his child, and there's no reason for him to lie to me.

 

Anyway, something didn't feel right in my mind. I felt that he used "old lady" as code word for "my new hot thing." And although he's allowed to do whatever it is he feels he has to do behind his wife's back, I don't think there's a need for him to lie to me, or even give me reasons for his actions or his agenda for the day if he's going to lie about it anyway. I didn't ask him where he was going in the first place--I never would have since I knew he was on break at this point anyway.

 

Anyway, he had told me where in the train station he'd be meeting this old lady. Well call me nosey if you want, but I felt an urge to find out if he was lying to me. Sure enough, I see him sitting with this woman I'd say about 40ish years old. I immediately became enraged with anger. If this is his idea of an old woman, then he is dumber than I thought...

 

Well he eventually saw me in the area he was with the lady, and he said his goodbye to her and came over to me. Well we had an argument in the train station. I asked him why he told me he was meeting an old lady when clearly that was not the case. He insisted this lady was old--apparently 40 is old to a 31 year old man? I asked him why is he lying to me--why did he feel the need to even tell me he's going to meet this "old" lady if he was going to lie to me anyway? He claims the lady is his coworker's ex lover ().

 

Long story short, we had a pretty good argument at the train station--we even had an audience as the customers and passengers passed by us. It gets to a point where you just blow off all your steam at once, and even though this incident wasn't a big deal, it's all the little things that add up. And it's all the BS lies that he feeds me which I just don't feel I should have to put up with or accept.

 

I have been trying for a very short time now to accept him as a friend and as the father of my child, but I am not sure I can do so if he's going to lie to me like this. And he has lied to me plenty of times, even though he doesn't think these are considered lies...

 

Is it me?? Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be upset that the guy who I am trying to trust, befriend, and accept in my life and my baby's life, is lying to me??? About STUPID things???

 

Lesson Learned:

 

Anyone who ever said an affair is a waste of time, and someone will get hurt, is 110% correct. Unfortunatley I'm one of those woman who ended up pregnant, but I feel confident enough that I can handle this on my own. He isn't only lying to me now, but he is lying to our child (in some kind of way...).

 

I'm sorry this is long, but I felt I needed to get this off my chest since I am not ready to tell some of the people in my life about what happened today. I also feel that my experiences may be helpful to others whom maybe aren't ready to discuss their situation.

 

Sometimes we need that one little thing--even the smallest, most stupidest thing, to P us off to end the unhealthy R. I found this reason today, and I feel very good about the fact I found a way out of our new friendship, even though I was trying Very hard to forgive him, and accept him in my life during my pregnancy, and into our child's life.

 

I don't know what I will do in the future, but I cannot be friends with someone who constantly lies to me. I am better than that, and all you women and men whom are lied to by the one you love can also do better than that, because you are better than that.

[norajane]

Is it me?? Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be upset that the guy who I am trying to trust, befriend, and accept in my life and my baby's life, is lying to me??? About STUPID things???

 

Way back when you first started posting here, you said you this guy was like a soul mate, but that you didn't fully trust him. Now, all this time later, your gut instinct about him was proved right: he's not trustworthy.

 

I think it would be foolish of you to trust and befriend him now, just because you're having his baby. He's not suddenly going to become someone he isn't and never was - a man worth trusting and befriending. It would be wise of you to keep that in mind in all your dealings with him and not expect him to be any different than he's always been.

[child_of_isis]

Why wouldn't he lie to you? He lies to his W. You are pretty much in the same boat (department, category?) as his W now that you are pregnant.

 

You are now someone who he has to lie to, cheat on, scheme against, etc. What is the LS saying...if they do it with you, they will do it to you...or something like that.

 

And you can pretty much bet when the next OW has been properly groomed, you will be portrayed as the Psycho OW that trapped him by getting pregnant. The new OW will hate you as much as you hate the W.

 

It's called the circle of life.

[Gwyneth]

Way back when you first started posting here, you said you this guy was like a soul mate, but that you didn't fully trust him. Now, all this time later, your gut instinct about him was proved right: he's not trustworthy.

 

I think it would be foolish of you to trust and befriend him now, just because you're having his baby. He's not suddenly going to become someone he isn't and never was - a man worth trusting and befriending. It would be wise of you to keep that in mind in all your dealings with him and not expect him to be any different than he's always been.

 

 

Way back when I first posted, I was naive--clearly He was special to me like many of my close friends (I refer to anyone that holds a special place in my heart as my soul mate--that's how I define soul mate). Right now I wasn't trying to do this for me, but for the baby. Clearly I can't even do that without him acting like a fool.

[whichwayisup]

Emotionally detach from him. Learn not to care what he does when you're not around him. If he decides to see another OW, that's his choice UNLESS he's made a committment to you and told you that you are the only OW. I just thought in the past little while you weren't falling back into the A with him...

 

You need to ask yourself what it is you want from him. A relationship? Or is he just going to be the father of your child and be a part of your life in a 'dad' role way for your child rather than a partner.

 

Has he told his wife yet? I just don't see how he can play daddy to two women's children and not have his wife find out. Sooner or later someone will tell his wife or she will bust him.

[Gwyneth]

Emotionally detach from him. Learn not to care what he does when you're not around him. If he decides to see another OW, that's his choice UNLESS he's made a committment to you and told you that you are the only OW. I just thought in the past little while you weren't falling back into the A with him...

 

You need to ask yourself what it is you want from him. A relationship? Or is he just going to be the father of your child and be a part of your life in a 'dad' role way for your child rather than a partner.

 

Has he told his wife yet? I just don't see how he can play daddy to two women's children and not have his wife find out. Sooner or later someone will tell his wife or she will bust him.

 

I'm sorry--his wife lost the baby a couple of weeks ago. I never shared this publicly with the board. And no, he still doesn't think he's wrong and should tell his wife. Well, that's his problem.

 

I know, and I don't care if he is seeing another OW, well I will if when our baby is born he is bringing our baby around other woman, but geez, either don't lie, or don't give yourself a reason to lie to me. My point is, why did he even have to tell me he was going to meet this "old" lady? I would rather not know his agenda especially if it's composed of lies. I mean really...and he knew I would be in that area of the train station boarding my next train. I wonder if he wanted me to see him with her. She may very well be the other conductor's ex OW (as he cheats too--it's apparently the thing to do if you're a conductor) but really, I don't care. I just don't understand why he even told me of his plans for after I left him on the platform. And if he's going to lie to me about something this simple, then he will probably be lying to me about where and with whom he takes our child out with. This worries me...and I will speak to my lawyer about this.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sorry--his wife lost the baby a couple of weeks ago.

 

Gwyn, be careful. This is a woman who really wanted this child, and lost it. The fact that an OW that her husband has cheated with is having an oopsie baby when she has been denied a planned pregnancy will drive her over the edge. I doubt you will have ever seen the rage and despair that this woman will feel when this all comes out in the open.

[carhill]

Don't know if this is the right time for a guy to talk, but IMO you should come here and talk to us before having any further contact with MM. Nothing, nada, zippo, zilch. You'll want to, badly. Take another karma train. Pay for your ticket. Buy a pass.

 

Happiness and good thoughts should bathe your baby's existence. MM has none of that to offer you.

 

This is a difficult time. I empathize....

[Gwyneth]

Don't know if this is the right time for a guy to talk, but IMO you should come here and talk to us before having any further contact with MM. Nothing, nada, zippo, zilch. You'll want to, badly. Take another karma train. Pay for your ticket. Buy a pass.

 

Happiness and good thoughts should bathe your baby's existence. MM has none of that to offer you.

 

This is a difficult time. I empathize....

 

It's okay for Anyone to talk

 

And thank you for empathizing, but you don't have to feel bad for me--I made my bed and I too have to sleep in it.

 

I am heavily thinking if I will allow him to our scheduled appointments as he promised to do so (OB appointments). Is that for the baby, or just for me? I am thinking it might be selfish of me to forbid him to come experience the growth of our baby. I don't know...this is hard because it's very personal too (My stomach is exposed, etc.).

 

It's always something with this scrub...

 

Unfortunately, and especially on weekends, I can only take that one train as they don't run very often. I will not sit in the car he attends to, but chances are I will see him at one point or another. He knows when I ignore him to Leave me Alone, and he somewhat respects that. But he will do almost anything to get my attention...

 

LucreziaBorgiaQuote:

I'm sorry--his wife lost the baby a couple of weeks ago.

Gwyn, be careful. This is a woman who really wanted this child, and lost it. The fact that an OW that her husband has cheated with is having an oopsie baby when she has been denied a planned pregnancy will drive her over the edge. I doubt you will have ever seen the rage and despair that this woman will feel when this all comes out in the open.

 

I'm fully aware of that, which is probably why he hasn't told her--and Lord only knows if he ever will. He made his bed, now he has to sleep in it. I don't feel sorry for him. Karma hit him hard. I do feel bad they lost the baby, even though he claims not to care.... He said he didn't want that baby anyway--how horrible is he? And the way he told me was on the train, all loud too, "She Lost it, now you don't have to worry." IT? She? His choice of words are selfish. What a schmuck.

 

I feel bad for anyone who has to go through such a tramatic experience. I too lost a baby once but by choice--this was not her choice. I don't feel comfortable discussing her miscarriage any further though. It's personal, and I didn't share this with the board immediately because it is personal.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I feel bad for anyone stuck with this guy, actually. He sounds like a callous assh*le, and no doubt can and will turn it on anyone he chooses.

[Ariadne]

Sigh,

 

---

 

~ I opened my heart to have him in my life while I'm pregnant, and then for when the baby is born.

 

~ I felt that it was the right choice to make not for me, but for the baby.

 

~ he said he had to meet this old lady in about ten minutes who he hasn't seen in a while

 

~ this lady was old--apparently 40 is old to a 31 year old man

 

~ I cannot be friends with someone who constantly lies to me. I am better than that

 

------

 

Omg, what a freak.

 

The guy even told her he was going to meet with an old woman.

 

I mean, compared to G she is pretty old.

 

Well, she is not happy and she "can't be friends with someone who lies"

 

I mean, what did she want, name and address?

 

The guy didn't even lie, he told her upfront.

[sb129]

Gwyneth, it sounds more and more to me that this man is not the kind of man you want as a regular fixture in your or your childrens lives.

 

You have tried to do right thing by offering the chance to be a part of his childrens (and by default, yours) lives, and he hasn't reacted in a a particularly positive or mature way, which is hardly surprising, given his past behaviour track record.

 

Anyway, enough of that. Its time for you to take the reins now. Your primary concern, (as you know) is you and your child(ren).

Your ex hasn't earned the right to be involved with your baby as a father, and you have said that you don't need him for financial reasons. The fact that his W is in the picture and has a history of erratic behaviour AND a miscarriage of her own to deal with makes the situation even more volatile if you continue to keep him in your life, on whatever guise.

 

I think its time to sever contact with him. You don't need him, and he sounds like he could be a potential hindrance to the health, safety and happiness of you and your baby.

[BetrayedMM]

Gwyn, be careful. This is a woman who really wanted this child, and lost it. The fact that an OW that her husband has cheated with is having an oopsie baby when she has been denied a planned pregnancy will drive her over the edge. I doubt you will have ever seen the rage and despair that this woman will feel when this all comes out in the open.

 

Whoa, that didn't occur to me, but that's a very good point!

[carhill]

I am heavily thinking if I will allow him to our scheduled appointments as he promised to do so (OB appointments).

 

I have enough NYC female friends to know you in no way need advice, but I'm a glutton for punishment and will give it to you anyway

 

Go alone or take a girlfriend for support and the experience. Do not reward his current behavior (forgetting any past behavior) with such intimacy, because, next to sex, sharing the experience of the growth of a baby inside you is one of the most intimate experiences there is IMO.

 

Since he respects your space, take it. I see no downside to this at all, do you?

[JackJack]

I say, go take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and try to figure out why it is you want the loser in your life period. I know, I know, for the child's sake, wonderful nothing wrong with that. Howeve,r he can be in the child's life and still detach from you like you should from him. Who cares if he is lying about who he is meeting. It should not matter who he is seeing/meeting or anything. That should be the least of your worries, so don't make it an issue if it doesn't have to be. As far as you feeling you have a right to know who is in his life for the baby's sake, the baby is not born yet, worry about that when need be. Right now, detach, move along and worry about yourself and child. BTW, since he works for the train station, he isn't the one who gave you the ticket for crossing the train tracks is it?

Edited March 30, 2008 by JackJack

[Phateless]

It was coming, just wasn't sure when.

 

 

Lesson Learned:

 

Anyone who ever said an affair is a waste of time, and someone will get hurt, is 110% correct.

 

Gwyneth, I'm so pleased to finally see you say that. I'm glad you're feeling empowered.

[norajane]

Way back when I first posted, I was naive--clearly He was special to me like many of my close friends (I refer to anyone that holds a special place in my heart as my soul mate--that's how I define soul mate). Right now I wasn't trying to do this for me, but for the baby. Clearly I can't even do that without him acting like a fool.

 

I think expecting him to be someone he's not just because you are pregnant is also naive. Expecting him to turn into a doting father is also naive. Look at how he reacted to his wife's miscarriage!

 

He's just not the kind of guy you can trust and depend on. So don't be naive about him anymore. You've seen his true colors come out through his actions over and over - believe what you see!

[whichwayisup]

If I were you, I wouldn't be opening my heart to him nor would I even want to be around him.

This guy is NO role model for your child. He isnt' responsible for himself, his marriage, let alone his own step son and he is happy his wife lost their child. That's just disguisting.

 

I'm actually starting to think you're better off without him PERIOD in your life and not to have him around your child. I don't believe he can provide anything positive, except maybe some $$ for helping out.

[Lookingforward]

If I were you, I wouldn't be opening my heart to him nor would I even want to be around him.

This guy is NO role model for your child. He isnt' responsible for himself, his marriage, let alone his own step son and he is happy his wife lost their child. That's just disguisting.

 

I'm actually starting to think you're better off without him PERIOD in your life and not to have him around your child. I don't believe he can provide anything positive, except maybe some $$ for helping out.

 

Totally agree - if nothing else would make me barf, the phrase "SHE lost IT" would sure do it for good.

 

Probably the same thing he'd say if it was Gwyn in that situation, not his wife.

 

What a slime, honestly.

[Gwyneth]

I say, go take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and try to figure out why it is you want the loser in your life period. I know, I know, for the child's sake, wonderful nothing wrong with that. Howeve,r he can be in the child's life and still detach from you like you should from him. Who cares if he is lying about who he is meeting. It should not matter who he is seeing/meeting or anything. That should be the least of your worries, so don't make it an issue if it doesn't have to be. As far as you feeling you have a right to know who is in his life for the baby's sake, the baby is not born yet, worry about that when need be. Right now, detach, move along and worry about yourself and child. BTW, since he works for the train station, he isn't the one who gave you the ticket for crossing the train tracks is it?

 

It's not that it mattered who he was seeing, it's the fact that he lied to me about it. It's the littlest things he lies about that bothers and worries me. The best option for him would have been to not even mention he was going to meet someone, period. And like I said, he can see and do who and whatever he wants, but when the baby is born, I don't want him doing and seeing these things / people unless I know about it.

[silktricks]

How'd he lie? He told you he was meeting someone ( and older lady ) - well, he did, and she was.

 

Where's the lie?

[Lookingforward]

but when the baby is born, I don't want him doing and seeing these things / people unless I know about it.

 

ummm and who are you exactly to tell him who he can and can't see ? his WIFE ? Don't THINK so.

 

Can't see your mindset has changed much at all actually.

[carhill]

Where's the lie?

 

She forgot to ask him a "specific question", as in "how old". In his mind, no lie. Classic player behavior

[whichwayisup]

And like I said, he can see and do who and whatever he wants, but when the baby is born, I don't want him doing and seeing these things / people unless I know about it.

 

You can't control who he sees and what he does G. He hasn't made a committment to you, he's already married. He doesn't have to tell you his whereabouts when he isn't with you. Sorry, unless he's made a promise/committment to you that he won't see ANY other women and it will be just you and his wife (wow this sounds so warped, but anyway..) even then, how will you know if he is off doing whatever with whomever? This guy IS a liar, you know it too. He's atleast been honest with you about the type of person he is.

 

What you can do though is, limit his contact with your baby. He can only see your child when you are there. He isn't allowed to take his baby off with other people.

 

I figure there's alot you're not posting about too, but don't react too much on what he does or doesn't do.

 

As for the "older lady" comment, well, maybe to him at age 31, 40 IS an older lady. I do think you over reacted and it was out of jealously, why else have a big drawn out fight in his workplace? Everyone saw and I bet many of his coworkers are now gossping too.

[silktricks]

She forgot to ask him a "specific question", as in "how old". In his mind, no lie. Classic player behavior

 

He may be a player - no argument here ---

 

but that doesn't mean that what Gwyneth wants/expects is reasonable given the nature of their relationship.

 

G goes on about what a creep he is, but at the same time seems to want to control him in a way that seems a little - I dunno - entitled... ???