OldEurope Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Yes. Before, this didn't bother me because it was Just me. But now it's not just about me--it's mainly about the baby. My best interests are about the baby. He can lie to me All he wants if I'm not pregnant--but not now that I am pregnant with our baby, or lie to our baby either. Gwyn, I think it has been demonstrated once too often that this MM has bad character. And bad character never, ever changes. For no one and nothing. A personality might be modified, but character is forever. You would do well to stay away from him for good. xo OE Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 He can lie to me All he wants if I'm not pregnant--but not now that I am pregnant with our baby, or lie to our baby either. I wouldn't give him that much credit. He isn't likely to treat you or the baby very well. I'm with OE on this one - your best bet would be to root this guy out of your and your baby's life for the sake of both of you. Child support and legitimacy are one thing, expecting this guy to actually be a Daddy is quite another. I don't see that happening. He fathered your child, but he doesn't sound like he will be a good Dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Gwen...what involvment do you intend to have with MM going forward? Both your personal interaction with him, and what interaction are you planning on as far as child support/visitation/etc...? If you're expecting child support, have you communicated to him that his wife will HAVE TO KNOW? There's no way he's going to be able to account for any substantial amount of child support going out of their accounts without an explanation. I just don't get it either...you already knew he was a capable liar. His little "thing" about the old lady wasn't out of character for him. Why would you have expected any less? Why are you hurt by him behaving exactly as you knew he would? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Why would you have expected any less? Why are you hurt by him behaving exactly as you knew he would? She unfortunately opened her heart to him again and wanted to try to trust him. If you are expecting anything from him, you're going to be disappointed on a daily basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 I'm angry and hurt because we came to an understanding for the sake of the baby, to get along, and to be honest with each other when it concerns the baby. His action this weekend is leading me to believe he cannot be honest--Ever. As for what I expect from him for the baby, I expect him to be a good father, or to take a hike. That's been my plan from day one for him. He promised me he would be in this child's life because he wants to be--not because he has to be. As for child support, we haven't set anything up, but he said he will definitely help as far as buying the baby things, but maybe not be able to help with a weekly child support check. He also said he would like to spend as much time as possible with the baby. I spoke to my lawyer this morning about concerns I have: his lying and the future for the baby. My lawyer said that I have a strong position, but lying won't convince the court to arrange for supervised visitation. I need a stronger case. I don't know if supervised visitation is necessary, as I don't see him harming the child (I hope not at least), but if he's going to lie to me about where he's bringing the child and with whom, then I think I will have a major problem. I can forsee a lot of problems for the next 18 years of my life. I know some of you feel I should remove him from mine and the baby's life, but what kind of person / mother would that make me to provide my child with a fatherless life? That's what I'm having a hard time with. Will my child some day resent me for that? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Once his wife finds out the truth, then something solid and concrete can be decided. Either you'll have him fulltime or maybe you'll have him just as a once in a while visitor. Or maybe his wife will make him choose. Who knows...But right now I would focus on you and your pregnancy and not get worked up and worried about everything else around you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Once his wife finds out the truth, then something solid and concrete can be decided. Either you'll have him fulltime or maybe you'll have him just as a once in a while visitor. Or maybe his wife will make him choose. Who knows...But right now I would focus on you and your pregnancy and not get worked up and worried about everything else around you. Oh lord no, I do not want him full time. Like I said, I'm having one baby--I don't need another (him). His wife will be devestated--that much I am guaranteing (sp). I'm trying to stay focused. I am back at yoga and that has been keeping me balanced and more energized. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 The thing is, noone knows what will happen when his wife finds out. She could throw him out and divorce him. Then, he is yours to do with whatever you please. Yup, yoga is a good thing. I take it you've joined a pregnancy yoga group, or are you doing this at home? Just be careful of certain positions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 The thing is, noone knows what will happen when his wife finds out. She could throw him out and divorce him. Then, he is yours to do with whatever you please. Yup, yoga is a good thing. I take it you've joined a pregnancy yoga group, or are you doing this at home? Just be careful of certain positions. He think she will leave him and go back to his home country. Well, I can't worry about that. As for yoga, I have a studio I go to, and right now I do what I can. I sat through a Prenatal Yoga class and enjoyed it. In due time, I will start going to that class. Right now it doesn't fit in my schedule Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I'm angry and hurt because we came to an understanding for the sake of the baby, to get along, and to be honest with each other when it concerns the baby. His action this weekend is leading me to believe he cannot be honest--Ever. As for what I expect from him for the baby, I expect him to be a good father, or to take a hike. That's been my plan from day one for him. He promised me he would be in this child's life because he wants to be--not because he has to be. Right. He had also come to a certain understanding with his wife, for the sake of their future and their family, to be honest and not be with other women. You see how well he honored that certain understanding?? So now you are beginning to see that he is a man who doesn't have principles, who doesn't honor the promises he makes to other people. This is good to recognize because now you can go about dealing with it. And you just might find that he is also unable to fulfill his promise of being in the child's life. Those could just be words, just like all the other words he's told you, his wife, who knows who else. So just be prepared for him to show you he's changed him mind by his actions again. He seems to be unable to keep any promise or live by any kind of moral code. I agree with Owl that you should have a plan in place. You have said you can't make up your mind, and you seem to just let things "happen" to you and never really decide beforehand how you might act and react in certain situations. Now that you're a mother, you have to start learning how to make up your mind for the sake of your child. Decide what it is you want from xMM (realistically, now that you know what kind of person he is) and then create a plan to follow and avoid any more emotional ties or chances for outbursts etc. with xMM. Your lawyer can help you establish relatistic financial and legal expectations. Regarding personal expections -- you know he will lie to you, he will cheat on you, and you don't want his kind of character around you and your baby. So I'd advise you to come up with a plan where you don't have to see him, you don't have to talk to him, unless it's about the financial and legal expectations -- ex., to set up arrangements for child support and visitation. That is just a suggestion but you can work out your own plan to make sure your goals are followed and your baby's needs are being met, and so you won't have to be so emotionally invested in this slimeball. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 I ran into him today and had another argument with him. He "showed up" at the food store I went food shopping at. Again, we had an audience. He said I'm overreacting... Yes, maybe I'm overreacting about the one thing from Saturday, but as a whole, I'm not overreacting. And thanks to him my allergies are now worse from arguing with him outside in the rain... Like my mom always says, don't make decisions when you are angry. Release the anger from your system, then make a choice. Right now I am furious and not in the state of mind to make any decisions about him. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 And thanks to him my allergies are now worse from arguing with him outside in the rain... nah..blaming him for aruging in the rain and kicking up your allergies wont solve anything. Bottom line, don't be surprised by him lying to you. If he can lie to the wife he can lie to anyone, you are no different or special to him. I'm sure you're aware of it. I like how you put "showed up" in quotations. I'm assuming you feel he came there where you were because he knew you would be there? Other than that not sure what "showed up" would mean. I'm sure you will claer it up though. It just seems to be one arguement after the other with him. You say you're not in any shape to make any decisons about him right now. I didn't know there was anymore to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 I like how you put "showed up" in quotations. I'm assuming you feel he came there where you were because he knew you would be there? Other than that not sure what "showed up" would mean. I'm sure you will claer it up though. It just seems to be one arguement after the other with him. You say you're not in any shape to make any decisons about him right now. I didn't know there was anymore to make. He doesn't live around here, but he works in this area (begins here for his route). And he never shopped there before--so why now? He must have seen me drive past him or something. The decision I have to make now is the future for this baby. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 He doesn't live around here, but he works in this area (begins here for his route). And he never shopped there before--so why now? He must have seen me drive past him or something. The decision I have to make now is the future for this baby. Yeah, that was probably why. The furture of the baby is with you. If he wants to be a part of the child's life and you want that too, fine. Right now, don't put so much effort into something that is not worth it. I feel that you're fighting a losing battle. One you're exhausted and upsetting your self over, for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Yeah, that was probably why. The furture of the baby is with you. If he wants to be a part of the child's life and you want that too, fine. Right now, don't put so much effort into something that is not worth it. I feel that you're fighting a losing battle. One you're exhausted and upsetting your self over, for nothing. JJ's right, it's so not worth it to fight with this guy. What a waste of time and energy. I don't understand why you still even talk to him? Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I ran into him today and had another argument with him. He "showed up" at the food store I went food shopping at. Again, we had an audience. He said I'm overreacting... Yes, maybe I'm overreacting about the one thing from Saturday, but as a whole, I'm not overreacting. And thanks to him my allergies are now worse from arguing with him outside in the rain... Like my mom always says, don't make decisions when you are angry. Release the anger from your system, then make a choice. Right now I am furious and not in the state of mind to make any decisions about him. Sweetheart, You are going to head smack into a nervous breakdown if this continues the way it is. And the anxiety rising in your system could threaten a miscarriage. I do not mean to sound harsh, but I am alarmed at what I am reading throughout your threads. This man does not really want to be a part of a life with you, this has got to be made clear. He is distressing you in the extreme and apparently showing little sympathy. There have been single moms the world over who do just well, thank you very much. Why, the Hollywood actor Matt Damon married an Italian girl who had been a bartender and a single mom and they seem to be in bliss. There is nothing to keep you from the possibility of someone loving and attentive unless you keep this "man" in your life. xo OE Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I'm not trying to sound harsh, so please don't take it that way. Gywn, I really feel that in all honesty here, the sooner you accept the fact he doesn't want to be in YOUR life with you, the better off you will be, and all these "arguements", and "lies" etc etc you say you have with him, will soon become less and less and not matter so much to you, once you realize its more than likely just not going to happen for you both. NOw sure it could, but more than likely not. I really believe, that even though you say you don't like him anymore and want nothing to really do with him, and cut him down, I think you really do care and want him to be with you, because if you didn't, the lies he tells you, the arguements you have and the stress you feel, wouldn;'t bother you so much. Let it go and try to enjoy this pregnancy as much as you can. It will come and go quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Sweetheart, You are going to head smack into a nervous breakdown if this continues the way it is. And the anxiety rising in your system could threaten a miscarriage. I do not mean to sound harsh, but I am alarmed at what I am reading throughout your threads. This man does not really want to be a part of a life with you, this has got to be made clear. He is distressing you in the extreme and apparently showing little sympathy. There have been single moms the world over who do just well, thank you very much. Why, the Hollywood actor Matt Damon married an Italian girl who had been a bartender and a single mom and they seem to be in bliss. There is nothing to keep you from the possibility of someone loving and attentive unless you keep this "man" in your life. xo OE I know, I realize. My mom was a single mom with three kids for about 10 years before she met her dream man. Then they had two kids, and 15 years later are happily married. I am somewhat seeing someone but feel like I shouldn't be involved with a man right now pregnant and all. My job is stressful enough. Thank god for yoga Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Sweetheart, You are going to head smack into a nervous breakdown if this continues the way it is. And the anxiety rising in your system could threaten a miscarriage. I do not mean to sound harsh, but I am alarmed at what I am reading throughout your threads. This man does not really want to be a part of a life with you, this has got to be made clear. He is distressing you in the extreme and apparently showing little sympathy. There have been single moms the world over who do just well, thank you very much. Why, the Hollywood actor Matt Damon married an Italian girl who had been a bartender and a single mom and they seem to be in bliss. There is nothing to keep you from the possibility of someone loving and attentive unless you keep this "man" in your life. xo OE I think this may be the first time that you and I have ever completely agreed on a subject, OE. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 More likely she will end up with a restraining order. She will break that. Probably by having another public outburst in front of an "audience". Court will go with the "hysterical mentally unbalanced female who couldn't get her man" Then W & MM gets the kid. OP will pay child support & walk a fine line just to be in the baby's life once a week. This is just so obvious where this is going. It's like watching a train wreck. Gwen...this man does not want to be with you. You are also not going to be able to use the baby to manipulate him. It's obvious that he is not going to play. It is going to backfire on you. Sweetheart, You are going to head smack into a nervous breakdown if this continues the way it is. And the anxiety rising in your system could threaten a miscarriage. I do not mean to sound harsh, but I am alarmed at what I am reading throughout your threads. This man does not really want to be a part of a life with you, this has got to be made clear. He is distressing you in the extreme and apparently showing little sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted April 1, 2008 Author Share Posted April 1, 2008 More likely she will end up with a restraining order. She will break that. Probably by having another public outburst in front of an "audience". Court will go with the "hysterical mentally unbalanced female who couldn't get her man" Then W & MM gets the kid. OP will pay child support & walk a fine line just to be in the baby's life once a week. This is just so obvious where this is going. It's like watching a train wreck. Gwen...this man does not want to be with you. You are also not going to be able to use the baby to manipulate him. It's obvious that he is not going to play. It is going to backfire on you. You're so Very wrong. Where do you even come up with your thinking? He followed me to a food store and began an argument with me, and you're saying I'm the crazy one? You must be kidding me. Am I speaking a foreign language again? Wow, it's incredible how we make things up as we go along here--when it's Clearly spelt out right in front of you!!!!! He wants me--not the other way around. If he was the perfect man, yes--I'd want him. But he isn't the perfect man...so no, I have stated So many times I don't want him--but apparently you and two others read what you want to read. Or, maybe it's me speaking in a foreign language again. Some of you just Really crack me up about where you come up with these illusions... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwyneth Posted April 1, 2008 Author Share Posted April 1, 2008 And by "he wants me," that means sexually--not as a love interest. He wants anyone with legs so I don't find this a specialty in my favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 His action this weekend is leading me to believe he cannot be honest--Ever. And so given that you cannot trust him to be honest, why in the world would you believe: As for what I expect from him for the baby, I expect him to be a good father, or to take a hike. That's been my plan from day one for him. He promised me he would be in this child's life because he wants to be--not because he has to be. As for child support, we haven't set anything up, but he said he will definitely help as far as buying the baby things, but maybe not be able to help with a weekly child support check. He also said he would like to spend as much time as possible with the baby. You can't believe him, but for child support, you are relying on what he says, what he promises? I think if you really are depending on him to support his child in some concrete way, you should probably get him established as the father, and get support issues set down in some kind of child support agreement, with legal or court involvement if necessary. Why would you count on what "he says?" You already know that he is juggling many balls in the air, lying right and left to keep the show rolling, and even premeditating and involving others in his lies when needed (e.g. having the friend Email him, apologizing for the text messages...) I spoke to my lawyer this morning about concerns I have: his lying and the future for the baby. My lawyer said that I have a strong position, but lying won't convince the court to arrange for supervised visitation. Perhaps not, but it seems to me that this should raise red warning flags with respect to the support issue... Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 I think this may be the first time that you and I have ever completely agreed on a subject, OE. Owl! I am truly flattered! Yer a tough nut, but very good for the gals here. You make everyone sit up a little more straight when you enter "the room". I imagine a James Earl Jones-type voice behind the menacing Owl avatar... Soon we'll be back to bickering... ...But love ya, anyway... xo OE Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 "He followed me to a food store and began an argument with me, and you're saying I'm the crazy one? " So you found out for sure he showed up there at that food store because you were there? You found out he has been watching you? Did you ask him? Or did someone else tell you they knew he was? Or are you just maybe thinking this is what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
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