Busted MM Today...and that felt good :)

[OldEurope]

Gwyn,

 

 

You have to understand how odd this is all sounding to those of us speaking and writing in Chinese here:

 

1. You want this man in your life for the sake of the baby, you say

 

2. The man is not doing anything, saying anything, reassuring you of anything, promising anything, committing to anything, or planning anything to give you--a woman pregnant with his child--peace of mind when you need it most. And you think that life-after-the-delivery-room is suddenly going to turn him into a responsible adult? He is going to run further and further away.

 

3. You rail at us for "debating" you and for our apparently blowing your perspective out of proportion, but it is YOU who start threads about the "other (other?) woman" inside the train and your "nosy-ing" around; it is YOU who start threads about his showing up at the food store where you shop and he does not shop. In both of these threads there is anger, argument, your declaration how much you don't want him in your life, your palpable frustration--When I read these I do worry about the health of your pregancy, with all this undue stress. In turn, we come on here to try to splash some cold water (some times ice water) on your face in an attempt to get you to perhaps see more clearly. Would you prefer we ignore your threads?

 

4. You've threatened to have him fired, you've threatened to tell his wife. This is most definately not someone who is out of your system.

 

5. You are feeling haughty and vindictive. This will poison the rest of your life. Stop.

 

6. Like No-I-Didn't said, start acting like the person you claim to be. If you do not want him in your life (and enough with the "it is for the baby"--it is not) then do not act like he is in your life. He is not, really. He is going to break you apart, though.

 

7. I am sorry, but I cannot shake the feeling that you on some level are desperately sad about how he is treating you and you are looking for some act, sign, gesture, etc. of sincerity, care, and possibly love from this man. I believe you read too much into his presence at the food store, and into his emails and texts (These are like harassments. Because he is giving you no emotional calm). You are not over him.

 

You will be when you stop all contact with him, and look up and away and beyond this whole scene.

 

PS. "Ghetto town?"

 

xo

OE

Edited April 1, 2008 by OldEurope

[JackJack]

Gwyn,

 

 

You have to understand how odd this is all sounding to those of us speaking and writing in Chinese here:

 

1. You want this man in your life for the sake of the baby, you say

 

2. The man is not doing anything, saying anything, reassuring you of anything, promising anything, committing to anything, or planning anything to give you--a woman pregnant with his child--peace of mind when you need it most. And you think that life-after-the-delivery-room is suddenly going to turn him into a responsible adult? He is going to run further and further away.

 

3. You rail at us for "debating" you and for our apparently blowing your perspective out of proportion, but it is YOU who start threads about the "other (other?) woman" inside the train and your "nosy-ing" around; it is YOU who start threads about his showing up at the food store where you shop and he does not shop. In both of these threads there is anger, argument, your declaration how much you don't want him in your life, your palpable frustration--When I read these I do worry about the health of your pregancy, with all this undue stress. In turn, we come on here to try to splash some cold water (some times ice water) on your face in an attempt to get you to perhaps see more clearly. Would you prefer we ignore your threads?

 

4. You've threatened to have him fired, you've threatened to tell his wife. This is most definately not someone who is out of your system.

 

5. You are feeling haughty and vindictive. This will poison the rest of your life. Stop.

 

6. Like No-I-Didn't said, start acting like the person you claim to be. If you do not want him in your life (and enough with the "it is for the baby"--it is not) then do not act like he is in your life. He is not, really. He is going to break you apart, though.

 

7. I am sorry, but I cannot shake the feeling that you on some level are desperately sad about how he is treating you and you are looking for some act, sign, gesture, etc. of sincerity, care, and possibly love from this man. I believe you read too much into his presence at the food store, and into his emails and texts (These are like harassments. Because he is giving you no emotional calm). You are not over him.

 

You will be when you stop all contact with him, and look up and away and beyond this whole scene.

 

PS. "Ghetto town?"

 

xo

OE

 

 

Bingo!

 

If the drama really wanted to be brought to an end, it could be. There are ways around things, I'm sure. It just sounds like a bunch of excuses to try and "hold" onto to what maight have been. Or still could possibly be, if he would just drop his wife and go be with her.

 

Ghetto? I hope no one takes offense to that.

[Gwyneth]

I'm not answering any further questions. How I found his address doesn't matter. The point of this thread was to let people know that the possibility of changing your opinions about someone you really thought you cared and trusted can in fact change. That as the OW / OM, it is Very possible for you to some day realize "hey, I made a huge mistake--but now I'm ready to move on and be a better person."

 

Why is it the SAME people Always have to turn threads into argumentive, pointless, off-topic subjects??? Not in just my topics, but most people's topics. I don't get it

 

Case closed.

WE made our points--we have gone Wayyyy off topic here. Let's either stick to the original topic, or move on, okay? 7 pages now and it's going south instead of north. Investigating and insinuating isn't helping anyone around here. I heard what I had to hear--I said what I have to say.

 

Thank you

 

Now, either back on topic, or nothing.

[Owl]

Wait a minute...how are we off topic to suggest to you ways to put an end to the situation you're in????? To the stress and drama you've described and decried over and over???

 

And if you have issue with specific people causing disruption of your posts...report them, and let the mods deal with them.

[Gwyneth]

And BTW, I am over him, so stop saying I'm not. I know how I feel, thank you.

 

When you become prgnant with a married man's child--or a married woman becomes pregnant with your child, then we can talk. Until then--you have no idea.

[Owl]

When you become prgnant with a married man's child--or a married woman becomes pregnant with your child, then we can talk. Until then--you have no idea.

 

Then there are probably less than five posters on this site who's advice you'll find relevent. If those are the only people you're interested in listening to, what's the point?

[Gwyneth]

Wait a minute...how are we off topic to suggest to you ways to put an end to the situation you're in????? To the stress and drama you've described and decried over and over???

 

And if you have issue with specific people causing disruption of your posts...report them, and let the mods deal with them.

 

I didn't say Everyone is OT--I said certain posters are. I said it's the same people all the time too. You aren't one of them

 

to answer Your question, Owl--what have i done? I just tried to start over again with this guy and tried to build trust with him for the sake of the baby. I was wrong apparently--but at least I tried, right? I had to try to find out either way if I was wrong or right. I was wrong--so, shoot me. I made a boo-boo again.

[Gwyneth]

Then there are probably less than five posters on this site who's advice you'll find relevent. If those are the only people you're interested in listening to, what's the point?

 

I didn't say those are the Only people I'm interested in listening to (again, I must be speaking in a foreign language!!! ). Wow, it's incredibly amazing.

 

I was saying that until you are in my shoes or similiar shoes, you don't know how hard it is to just Walk away from the person you are in trouble with. There's a third party involved--an innocent baby. I can't put myself first now--I have to put the baby first.

 

Is that wrong?

[Gwyneth]

Let me ask you this, Owl. Now if I remember correctly, your wife cheated on you, right?

 

If yes, then:

 

Do you and your wife have children?

 

If yes, then, was it easy for you to just leave your wife because you lost your trust in her--or would it be easier if it was just you and her with no children?

 

I feel having a child involved now makes this harder. From the start of this thread, I said I am doing all of this for the baby--not me. Apparently that meant to some posters around here that this means I'm not over him. These people apparently have No regard for the baby whatsoever, which is why I said "until you are in my shoes, or similiar shoes, it's hard for you to understand."

 

Having children makes a difference.

[sb129]

And BTW, I am over him, so stop saying I'm not. I know how I feel, thank you.

 

When you become prgnant with a married man's child--or a married woman becomes pregnant with your child, then we can talk. Until then--you have no idea.

 

 

Well, I may not have ever been pregnant, so I am no expert, but I have been an OW, and when you are over someone, you don't talk about them and make as much contact with them as you do.

[Owl]

Gwen, here's what I don't understand.

 

I can see where having children would make "walking away" more complicated...if you were married to him.

 

BUT YOU'RE NOT.

 

Becoming pregnant by him only complicates the issue if you want it to. Otherwise, you "walk away" and raise the child on your own, with YOUR values and morals. If you're concerned about them having a father...then keep looking for a SINGLE, good man that has the potential to be a great father, and marry him when the time is right.

 

Just because he snuck the condom off in the middle of things...it doesn't follow that he's got to be the "daddy", and involved in your life and your child's life forever.

 

Its what you seem to want.

 

I don't get it.

[sb129]

I don't get it either, esp as the guy doesn't seem to be cut out for Good-Daddy material. You have a choice to cut him out of your life, yet you seem to be reluctant to do it, despite saying you only want the best for your baby.

 

Your MM only wants the best for HIM. He cannot feel the same emotional attachment to this baby as you do, and its unlikely that he ever will.

 

Look out for you, and your baby.

[NoIDidn't]

I didn't say those are the Only people I'm interested in listening to (again, I must be speaking in a foreign language!!! ). Wow, it's incredibly amazing.

 

I was saying that until you are in my shoes or similiar shoes, you don't know how hard it is to just Walk away from the person you are in trouble with. There's a third party involved--an innocent baby. I can't put myself first now--I have to put the baby first.

 

Is that wrong?

 

No, its not wrong. But the way that you are going about it is ALL wrong.

 

No one has to have been in your shoes to see that YOU are ALLOWING yourself to be made miserable. You claim to have started this thread to show how your feelings have changed. You are in denial. Nothing has changed other than the fact that you are now pregnant and he is upsetting you by no longer feeding into your (massive?) ego.

 

You are even trying to use the pregnancy here as some sort of pity ploy. From one pregnant woman to another, it doesn't work, so give it up. Like Owl said, this situation is well within your control. If you choose to be a victim and act like he has suddenly wronged you, that's your choice. But I don't see it that way.

 

You are just a child in comparison to most of us here. I wish you could see that we have been there, and done that.

 

If you were over him, you wouldn't be threatening to tell his W as if she was going to punish him. You'd be telling her to inform her that her lifestyle is about to change because of your impending birth.

 

If you were over him, you wouldn't be checking up on who he is talking to when you are not around. You call it being nosy, I call it borderline stalking. And lucky you, there is no stalking law in NYC.

 

This child is not your key to the life you want, the man you want, or the respect you crave. This child is your chance to put your money where your mouth is. Because if you don't, this child will pay for your poor judgment/choices over and over and over again.

 

You keep talking about "its for the baby", well, for the baby, take care of his mother.

 

I am sorry that my posts bother you so much. Truth can hurt sometimes. Doesn't make it less valid when it does.

[Gwyneth]

I'm just going to pretend I'm not even seeing what the two of you--Owl and SB--have just written. This is insane to me. As the father, he has a right to have the opportunity to be a part of HIS child's life--whether or not we're married. I cannot take that right away from him without Real legal reasons. Are you not familiar with how the court system works?

 

I don't know where you two are from, but here in NY, it's hard to just keep a father away because the mother says he's a Liar. It's also not fair for this child to be fatherless--but that was mine and his mistake. I don't see how taking it out on the child--or using it agains the child--is at all rational.

 

The reason I am still in contact with this man is because we are expecting a child together. I have not touched him since early February, nor do I have any interest in touching him. We might have hugged--but that's because we're trying to be civil toward one another. Well, that plan backfired last week when I sensed I was lied to and sure enough, I was.

 

Look, I'm not here to say you're wrong, but I feel that I know what's best for the three of us. It's a Very difficult situation--but running away from him is not the best solution right now. I worry that if I do this, what will my child think of me some day--will this child resent me? Again, I have to think of his or her needs--not mine, not his--the baby's needs. That's my number one concern

 

If you feel the baby should not be my number one concern right now, please do Thrill me and tell me Why I should not put my baby first and foremost. Thanks

[Owl]

I'm sorry Gwen...I'll waste your time and mine no longer. Good luck to you.

[Gwyneth]

No, its not wrong. But the way that you are going about it is ALL wrong.

 

You are in denial.

 

and he is upsetting you by no longer feeding into your (massive?) ego.

 

You are even trying to use the pregnancy here as some sort of pity ploy.

 

You are just a child in comparison to most of us here. I wish you could see that we have been there, and done that.

 

If you were over him, you wouldn't be threatening to tell his W as if she was going to punish him.

 

If you were over him, you wouldn't be checking up on who he is talking to when you are not around. You call it being nosy, I call it borderline stalking.

 

This child is not your key to the life you want, the man you want, or the respect you crave.

 

Because if you don't, this child will pay for your poor judgment/choices over and over and over again.

 

I am sorry that my posts bother you so much. Truth can hurt sometimes. Doesn't make it less valid when it does.[/quote]

 

1. I am not in denial, thank you very much

 

2. I don't have a massive ego, as you so claim I do, thank you very much

 

3. I am not using my pregnancy as a "pity ploy," that is by far the dumbest thing I have Ever heard.

 

4. I'm not "just a child," or a child at all. I am a young lady who as a child, her mother tried to keep her father away from her because he was a bad drunk and she used us kids against him. That's the mother I don't want to be. Thank you very much.

 

5. I am over him, for the hundreth time. I threatened to tell his wife MONTHS ago--I'm talking like December or November when we were still fully involved. But I don't have to prove to Anyone around here how I feel about him or anyone--you just live in your fantasy world and think that I want him. You have no idea lady, and being a 9 month pregnant woman doesn't make you any smarter than the girl next door.

 

6. I wasn't stalking--why don't you look up the definition of stalking and then try to claim I was stalking him. We were all on the same platform--should I have worn a blindfold?

 

7. Not all the choices I make are poor--so you take that back Lady. Who are YOU to tell me I make poor judgment calls and that my child will pay for them? Really lady, you have some nerve saying the things you are saying.

[Gwyneth]

Let's once again, ladies and gentleman of the know-it-all club, reread what I orignally posted without making judgemental calls and silly assumptions based on your own illusions:

 

It was coming, just wasn't sure when.

 

You know, I opened my heart to have him in my life while I'm pregnant, and then for when the baby is born. I felt that it was the right choice to make not for me, but for the baby (which is his if you aren't up to speed with me). Maybe being pregnant has made me wiser, or maybe seeing other people's stories is making me wiser--or maybe it's a combination of both. I am just sick and tired of his BS and Lies. He lies about the dumbest things too.

 

Since I never told you his occupation, I will now because it doesn't make sense unless I tell you. He's a conductor, and that's how I met him.... That is also how I knew he wasn't at work during the month he was injured--because he wasn't there to collect my ticket (so no, I wasn't spying on him--it was just common knowledge).

 

Well today I took the train to work (yes, on Saturdays I have to work ) and when I got off the train I was telling him about these weird dreams I've been having lately. We talked on the train too, as we agreed to remain friends and try very hard to get along for the sake of the baby (he lets me ride for free too...). So, for the baby I am accepting him into my life. After I told him about my weird dreams, he said he had to meet this old lady in about ten minutes who he hasn't seen in a while--which I felt was strange. I figured she was a passenger or something, but I felt he was lying to me, and we agreed to have an open and honest friendship since I am pregnant with his child, and there's no reason for him to lie to me.

 

Anyway, something didn't feel right in my mind. I felt that he used "old lady" as code word for "my new hot thing." And although he's allowed to do whatever it is he feels he has to do behind his wife's back, I don't think there's a need for him to lie to me, or even give me reasons for his actions or his agenda for the day if he's going to lie about it anyway. I didn't ask him where he was going in the first place--I never would have since I knew he was on break at this point anyway.

 

Anyway, he had told me where in the train station he'd be meeting this old lady. Well call me nosey if you want, but I felt an urge to find out if he was lying to me. Sure enough, I see him sitting with this woman I'd say about 40ish years old. I immediately became enraged with anger. If this is his idea of an old woman, then he is dumber than I thought...

 

Well he eventually saw me in the area he was with the lady, and he said his goodbye to her and came over to me. Well we had an argument in the train station. I asked him why he told me he was meeting an old lady when clearly that was not the case. He insisted this lady was old--apparently 40 is old to a 31 year old man? I asked him why is he lying to me--why did he feel the need to even tell me he's going to meet this "old" lady if he was going to lie to me anyway? He claims the lady is his coworker's ex lover ().

 

Long story short, we had a pretty good argument at the train station--we even had an audience as the customers and passengers passed by us. It gets to a point where you just blow off all your steam at once, and even though this incident wasn't a big deal, it's all the little things that add up. And it's all the BS lies that he feeds me which I just don't feel I should have to put up with or accept.

 

I have been trying for a very short time now to accept him as a friend and as the father of my child, but I am not sure I can do so if he's going to lie to me like this. And he has lied to me plenty of times, even though he doesn't think these are considered lies...

 

Is it me?? Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be upset that the guy who I am trying to trust, befriend, and accept in my life and my baby's life, is lying to me??? About STUPID things???

 

Lesson Learned:

 

Anyone who ever said an affair is a waste of time, and someone will get hurt, is 110% correct. Unfortunatley I'm one of those woman who ended up pregnant, but I feel confident enough that I can handle this on my own. He isn't only lying to me now, but he is lying to our child (in some kind of way...).

 

I'm sorry this is long, but I felt I needed to get this off my chest since I am not ready to tell some of the people in my life about what happened today. I also feel that my experiences may be helpful to others whom maybe aren't ready to discuss their situation.

 

Sometimes we need that one little thing--even the smallest, most stupidest thing, to P us off to end the unhealthy R. I found this reason today, and I feel very good about the fact I found a way out of our new friendship, even though I was trying Very hard to forgive him, and accept him in my life during my pregnancy, and into our child's life.

 

I don't know what I will do in the future, but I cannot be friends with someone who constantly lies to me. I am better than that, and all you women and men whom are lied to by the one you love can also do better than that, because you are better than that.

[Gwyneth]

I'm sorry Gwen...I'll waste your time and mine no longer. Good luck to you.

 

It's funny you can't even asnwer the qusetion I posted for you--is there a reason why, or is it because you will see that I have a point here?

[OldEurope]

Gwyn,

 

How on earth do you see the continuation of your relationship with this man in whatever shape or form of contact that is, being in any way good for your child? If it is bad for mom, it will be bad for the little one. He or she will absorb all this insecurity and frustration into its personality. If you do not take care, you are going to become "hard" and angry--putting off both your child and a potential new boyfriend.

 

I just do not see that you are not over him, or else you would not be driven to starting threads on him. No one expects you at this point to have him completely rid of in your mind, given the newness of everything. But your lack of self-protection is troublesome.

 

Please try not to get defensive when we suggest that you are not over him. You come across as anxious, looking for cues from him, hence the desire to seek validation on these boards. Why else must we hear all these anecdotes?

 

xo

OE

[Gwyneth]

Gwyn,

 

How on earth do you see the continuation of your relationship with this man in whatever shape or form of contact that is, being in any way good for your child? If it is bad for mom, it will be bad for the little one. He or she will absorb all this insecurity and frustration into its personality. If you do not take care, you are going to become "hard" and angry--putting off both your child and a potential new boyfriend.

 

I just do not see that you are not over him, or else you would not be driven to starting threads on him. No one expects you at this point to have him completely rid of in your mind, given the newness of everything. But your lack of self-protection is troublesome.

 

Please try not to get defensive when we suggest that you are not over him. You come across as anxious, looking for cues from him, hence the desire to seek validation on these boards. Why else must we hear all these anecdotes?

 

xo

OE

 

It's not that I become upset that people are saying I'm not over him, but it's the fact that they say I'm using this baby to keep him in my life. Are they for real? I also don't feel that a good parent would bring all this anger into their child's life. My sister and brother and I only knew of problems between our parents because our mom would say bad things to us about him and his wife. I wouldn't do that because I know first hand that it's not a good idea. I have been in this situation before and I know what's best and what's not best. I'm just sick and tired of people claiming they know it all when it comes to me. I see it done to other posters too--mainly the OW around here. I am being honest when I say I am only tryint to do what is best for this baby. Yes, I am angry with MM, but my anger doesn't seem reason enough for me to keep him away from his own baby. I don't care that he's married--him being married isn't reason enough for me to block him from his own child. I do not think that's fair. He made a mess now he has two options--stick around and play nice, or leave. I just don't think it's fair and that it's quite cruel to forbid him from being a part of this baby's life just because he angers me. If he was hitting me and threatening to kill me--yes, reason enough for me. But he's never laid a hand on me or even come close to it. He's never cursed at me or yelled at me. When we have arguments, we use our hands to talk but keep clean mouths--we don't curse at each other.

[PandorasBox]

If you really want what's best for your child. You will stop stressing yourself out. You get very upset and defensive at times and its not healthy for you or the baby. If you don't want to be upset or take to kindly to what others have said...maybe its time to give LS a break. It would be good for you and the baby to just chill for awhile. When is your next doc appointment? How far are you?

[Gwyneth]

If you really want what's best for your child. You will stop stressing yourself out. You get very upset and defensive at times and its not healthy for you or the baby. If you don't want to be upset or take to kindly to what others have said...maybe its time to give LS a break. It would be good for you and the baby to just chill for awhile. When is your next doc appointment? How far are you?

 

This board, like I said, is a breath of fresh air from my every day life...believe it or not. So if I seem uptight, it's because I'm coming here to breath. I just don't like what some of these people around here insinuate.

 

My next OB appt is the end of this month. I just turned 9 / 11 weeks yesterday

[PandorasBox]

"I have been in this situation before and I know what's best and what's not best."

 

 

Then you don't need anyone's advice or opinons here then did you? It was all a waste of people's time to post, if you knew all along what was best and what wasn't.

[PandorasBox]

This board, like I said, is a breath of fresh air from my every day life...believe it or not. So if I seem uptight, it's because I'm coming here to breath. I just don't like what some of these people around here insinuate.

 

My next OB appt is the end of this month. I just turned 9 / 11 weeks yesterday

 

 

It doesn't seem like you feel its a "breath of fresh air" at all.

 

Sometimes its not what others insinuate...it can be in what one perceives as well.

[bentnotbroken]

Let me ask you this, Owl. Now if I remember correctly, your wife cheated on you, right?

 

If yes, then:

 

Do you and your wife have children?

 

If yes, then, was it easy for you to just leave your wife because you lost your trust in her--or would it be easier if it was just you and her with no children?

 

I feel having a child involved now makes this harder. From the start of this thread, I said I am doing all of this for the baby--not me. Apparently that meant to some posters around here that this means I'm not over him. These people apparently have No regard for the baby whatsoever, which is why I said "until you are in my shoes, or similiar shoes, it's hard for you to understand."

 

Having children makes a difference.

 

 

 

I know you asked Owl, I have an answer. It depends on the people and the situation. I have 2 children, and it wasn't easy for me to tell Mr. Messy to get lost, but it was what was best for me and the children. They need to be exposed to love and sanity, not lies, regret and constant turmoil. Ultimately, it has been a blessing that he isn't here daily.