Busted MM Today...and that felt good :)

[nadiaj2727]

I did let him make that decision. It was his choice to call every day to see how I am feeling. It was his choice to come to the doctor appointments with me. It was also his choice to tell me one thing and mean another. And it was also his choice to have unprotected sex with me. And to show up at the food store I just pulled in to, and to email me today and try calling me, and so forth--all his doing. I'm just living my life.

 

So, I have let him make a lot of choices.

 

Letting him come to doctor appointments and letting him have contact with YOU personally are different than eventually being involved in the child's life. We are saying that you shouldn't have him involved in your life any more. Someone mentioned that this is all very intimate stuff. Don't share it with a married man, don't settle for second place. Be strong on your own, just go to your appointments independently and don't talk to him because he's not worth your time. Learn how to be pregnant on your own because soon you are going to be parenting on your own, even if xMM gives the child money or visits the child etc.

 

They are saying let him make a choice about whether he wants to be a dad once the child is born. That is the only way you will really be able to tell if he wants to be a child or not. Right now he is just contacting YOU probably to test the waters, see if you'd still have sex with him, see if you're going to rat him out to his wife, etc. This man does not care about anyone else but himself. Hopefully he will care about his child once it's born but just wait until then to find out.

 

MWC is so right... it's time to see from his ACTIONS, not his words, how sincere his intentions are. Don't let him be around your child unless he proves he is a consistently good father... or else your child will be damaged by inconsistency and feel insecure. If xMM is not a good father, that is not your fault. Your child will grow to resent xMM, not you... all you can do is be a good mother and let your child know who his father is should he ever want to ask him why he didn't try harder to be a bigger part of his life (if that unfortunately happens). MWC has experience in this so please listen to her and have no more contact with xMM and then let him show you he cares about his child once he is born.

[Gwyneth]

Letting him come to doctor appointments and letting him have contact with YOU personally are different than eventually being involved in the child's life. We are saying that you shouldn't have him involved in your life any more. Someone mentioned that this is all very intimate stuff. Don't share it with a married man, don't settle for second place. Be strong on your own, just go to your appointments independently and don't talk to him because he's not worth your time. Learn how to be pregnant on your own because soon you are going to be parenting on your own, even if xMM gives the child money or visits the child etc.

 

They are saying let him make a choice about whether he wants to be a dad once the child is born. That is the only way you will really be able to tell if he wants to be a child or not. Right now he is just contacting YOU probably to test the waters, see if you'd still have sex with him, see if you're going to rat him out to his wife, etc. This man does not care about anyone else but himself. Hopefully he will care about his child once it's born but just wait until then to find out.

 

MWC is so right... it's time to see from his ACTIONS, not his words, how sincere his intentions are. Don't let him be around your child unless he proves he is a consistently good father... or else your child will be damaged by inconsistency and feel insecure. If xMM is not a good father, that is not your fault. Your child will grow to resent xMM, not you... all you can do is be a good mother and let your child know who his father is should he ever want to ask him why he didn't try harder to be a bigger part of his life (if that unfortunately happens). MWC has experience in this so please listen to her and have no more contact with xMM and then let him show you he cares about his child once he is born.

 

 

That was me that said this is intimate stuff.

[nadiaj2727]

I have tried saying to Please leave me alone--that didn't work.

 

I didn't say they're speaking Chinese Ever. I said I must be speaking in a foreign language again.

 

Okay. Just try for your own sake not to be so defensive. If you think they are meaning you harm, then realize that's their purpose and forget about what they say. If you think they are trying to help, really give some thought to their advice and see if it could apply in your situation. That's all I was trying to say.

[nadiaj2727]

That was me that said this is intimate stuff.

 

Okay then why give this slimeball MM the chance to be involved in your intimate stuff? He doesn't deserve it. He has caused you nothing but heartache.

[child_of_isis]

You are not putting the baby first. You are putting your addiction first. You are addicted to drama. When MM is not supplying you with it, you come to the board to get your fix.

 

And it is not about hormones. You were addicted before you were even pregnant. If I remember right, it was during a drama episode that you conceived.

 

This baby knows nothing but drama and emotional chaos.

 

You are a pro at pushing people's buttons. We all have watched you here for quite some time. You know how to push MM's & you know how to manipulate the board to get the drama going.

 

 

 

There's a third party involved--an innocent baby. I can't put myself first now--I have to put the baby first.

 

Is that wrong?

[81West]

Hi G...Anybody who has children can tell you that your life is about to change in ways you can't even imagine. These next six months or so are literally the last in your whole life that you will have where your heart is not walking around outside your body. These worries you are having now will be NOTHING someday when you realize that whatever comes from them was always completely out of your control anyway. Who he is, what kind of father he'll be etc. etc. is already set.

 

Please, please, please listen to the advice here that tells you to pull back from all this and keep it a friendly 'business' relationship. Do your yoga, take bubble baths, go out with your sister, laugh, attend to the other relationship you are developing in whatever ever way you see fit right now. I'm telling you...do not waste these last six months of a life you'll never have in the same way again on this guy in any way, shape or form. I can almost guarantee that he will evolve out in the long run and this will all have been a mammoth squandering of everything else this time could have been.

[Gwyneth]

Okay then why give this slimeball MM the chance to be involved in your intimate stuff? He doesn't deserve it. He has caused you nothing but heartache.

 

 

Well the point of that comment was that I don't think I want him at the Ultra Sounds or OB appts as it's intimate. He was there for the experience of the baby's growth.

[Gwyneth]

You are not putting the baby first. You are putting your addiction first. You are addicted to drama. When MM is not supplying you with it, you come to the board to get your fix.

 

And it is not about hormones. You were addicted before you were even pregnant. If I remember right, it was during a drama episode that you conceived.

 

This baby knows nothing but drama and emotional chaos.

 

You are a pro at pushing people's buttons. We all have watched you here for quite some time. You know how to push MM's & you know how to manipulate the board to get the drama going.

 

What are you talking about? Please, leave me alone if you have nothing nice to say--or nothing that makes sense.

[Gwyneth]

Hi G...Anybody who has children can tell you that your life is about to change in ways you can't even imagine. These next six months or so are literally the last in your whole life that you will have where your heart is not walking around outside your body. These worries you are having now will be NOTHING someday when you realize that whatever comes from them was always completely out of your control anyway. Who he is, what kind of father he'll be etc. etc. is already set.

 

Please, please, please listen to the advice here that tells you to pull back from all this and keep it a friendly 'business' relationship. Do your yoga, take bubble baths, go out with your sister, laugh, attend to the other relationship you are developing in whatever ever way you see fit right now. I'm telling you...do not waste these last six months of a life you'll never have in the same way again on this guy in any way, shape or form. I can almost guarantee that he will evolve out in the long run and this will all have been a mammoth squandering of everything else this time could have been.

 

Thanks. I'm just trying ti live life to its fullest and to live each day to its best.

[mistresswchildren]

G

You have told me once, and I realized it very quickly, some people just post here to hurt, so ignore them and move on. Respond only to those people that are actually trying to give you advice, not a lecture. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have even realized how many people there were here to simply judge. I thought originally that those who came here would TRY to be sympathetic and not judgmental, but that is not always the case. Don't get me wrong there are those that give "tough love" and their comments should be read and considered, but remember that you have the only opinion that really matters. We don't live your life, you do. You are the one that deals with this on a daily basis. You will do what is right for you and your child. Somehow, a mother always knows what is right in the end.

[OldEurope]

...It bears repeating...

 

2. The man is not doing anything, saying anything, reassuring you of anything, promising anything, committing to anything, or planning anything to give you--a woman pregnant with his child--peace of mind when you need it most. And you think that life-after-the-delivery-room is suddenly going to turn him into a responsible adult? He is going to run further and further away.

xo

OE

 

 

Gwyn,

 

Going to appointments, showing up at the store and text-messaging you are not evidence of this man being a responsible presence in your life. From what comes across here, he wants to hang on along the fringes of it all, and give the semblance of doing the minimum good-guy duty.

 

But read the above again.

 

He can barely take care of himself and his wife, emotionally, financially or otherwise so you just cannot expect he is going to be a positive presence in your child's life.

 

He won't even give you his phone number and calls you from a colleague's phone! Come on!

 

And you and he are not "mommy and daddy". You are not a family. I don't know what you have in mind with this idea of his forging out some kind of extra-curricular family, but you have to really wake up here.

 

And as for "depriving your child" of the knowing his or her father, and later on "resenting" you, don't you think that is a bit over the top? Will your child really welcome an unhealthy adult role model in his or her life? Wouldn't a stronger Father figure truly be in your child's best interest?

 

xoxo

OE

[Lookingforward]

You are not putting the baby first. You are putting your addiction first. You are addicted to drama. When MM is not supplying you with it, you come to the board to get your fix.

 

And it is not about hormones. You were addicted before you were even pregnant. If I remember right, it was during a drama episode that you conceived.

 

This baby knows nothing but drama and emotional chaos.

 

You are a pro at pushing people's buttons. We all have watched you here for quite some time. You know how to push MM's & you know how to manipulate the board to get the drama going.

 

 

Glad I'm not the only one who sees it

 

Even when a post directly addresses a point in Gwyn's thread she claims it is off topic and attacking her.

 

I've given it up as a bad joke, she doesn't seem to want advice, just drama as you said

[norajane]

The point of this thread initially was to recognize that I did learn a great deal from this board and that I finally saw through the bright light--

 

I also wanted to point out that in time, all OW / OM will come to realize what has been said around here all along.

 

So, Gwyneth: If that was your purpose in posting this thread - that you did see the light, finally - maybe you can consider that what people are saying to you NOW, in this thread, is also something that you will see the light about in the future.

[Gwyneth]

G

You have told me once, and I realized it very quickly, some people just post here to hurt, so ignore them and move on. Respond only to those people that are actually trying to give you advice, not a lecture. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have even realized how many people there were here to simply judge. I thought originally that those who came here would TRY to be sympathetic and not judgmental, but that is not always the case. Don't get me wrong there are those that give "tough love" and their comments should be read and considered, but remember that you have the only opinion that really matters. We don't live your life, you do. You are the one that deals with this on a daily basis. You will do what is right for you and your child. Somehow, a mother always knows what is right in the end.

 

Thank you You are absolutely right

[Gwyneth]

On a brighter note, I did receive a very nice email from MM tonight. He said that he needs to figure out where his life is taking him, and he realizes that his life changed so quickly--and he's a huge part of that reason. He said he wants more than anything to be a good father to this child, and he's going to try very hard to be the best he can be. He wants to be the father he never had.

 

 

He said first thing he needs to do is tell his W, and for once leave her since he is unhappy, for himself--not for the baby's sake, and not for my sake--solely himself.

 

 

Second he said that he's been contemplating this for a while, but he thinks it's time he seeks therapy about his situation. He asked if I could go to an appointment with him and tell the therapist how I view him so that the therapist can work with him on those issues. He said he made an appointment for sometime this month to go. Depending on how things go, I'll see whether or not I'll attend with him--but under circumstances. He has to first be honest for once before I go to his therapist. I'm not going as the OW, but as the woman who is carrying his baby. And I will not go until he tells his wife, comes clean with all, and leaves her like he says he will.

 

And third, he apologized for how things have been these past few days, and realizes right now he needs to make my life as less stressful as possible. He reminded me he's not perfect. Well I know he isn't, and I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect him to take responsiblity for his actions.

 

I responded and said he can do what he wants, but I have my own feelings and a child to protect. I'll believe it all when I see it. I'm open for anything--that's the crunchy part of me. He asked that I give him a few weeks to sort this all out, but to please not change my commute schedule, and to not ignore him when he calls me. He asked that I help him be a better person. Well, I will help him because I am that way--I like to help those who desperately need help. But I told him too that he has deeply hurt me over and over and he needs to stop doing this now or to take a hike.

 

Well, we'll see what happens. The saga goes on. I'll give him the few weeks he asked for to see if he begins to make these changes he once again promies. Like I said, we'll see... I'm not giving him a tight ultimatium either--who am I to give him that? This was his idea to do all this. He "says" he wants to make these changes, be a better person, and be the father he never was. So, we'll see. Everyone deserves a makeover. But I don't have high expectations. LIke I said, I'll believe it when I see it. But I do believe he can change his ways.

 

I am still very angry with him, but I cannot hold grudges for long. It's unhealthy, and it's not my character to do so. I find good in everyone--always have and always will (with the exception of a few of course).

 

So that's where I'm at.

[Trimmer]

I chose to believe him because this is his own flesh and blood we're talking about; his own child--not some lady he is planning on banging in the near future.

Yes, and here is how deeply connected he feels to his own flesh and blood, his own child:

He said he didn't want that baby anyway--how horrible is he? And the way he told me was on the train, all loud too, "She Lost it, now you don't have to worry." IT? She? His choice of words are selfish. What a schmuck.

 

I'm not necessarily advocating freezing him out completely. I will even grant that there is something noble (if naiive) about your holding open the door to having the father involved in your child's life. I just think, based on what you have described about him, you should protect yourself from the possibilities that he won't rise to the occasion, that he won't change into a good father, that he won't care about his flesh and blood in your womb any more than he cared about his flesh and blood in his wife's, and that you have not heard the last of his lies.

 

What he likes is the idea of a-woman-being-pregnant-by-him. Why do you think he slipped off the condom? An actual live child, his own flesh and blood? Eh, he didn't really want "that" baby anyway. If you really expect him to be moved by his own flesh and blood, why would the one in your womb be any different?

 

I'm not harping on you to make you feel bad, I'm trying to broaden your perspective, because I hear you saying "he lies about everything, I can't ever trust him," followed by "...but about this, I choose to believe him because it's his own flesh and blood..." Well, he doesn't have a very convincing track record in that area.

 

 

He said first thing he needs to do is tell his W, and for once leave her since he is unhappy, for himself--not for the baby's sake, and not for my sake--solely himself.

Sounds like generally a reasonable course, but then:

He asked that I give him a few weeks to sort this all out, but to please not change my commute schedule, and to not ignore him when he calls me. He asked that I help him be a better person.

So even though this is solely about himself, he wants you to continue to satisfy his relationship needs in the meantime. OK.

 

To use me up and to rob me blind, I guess it shouldn't surprise me.

Fighting and flashing like a fish on a line, my God, he must despise me...

-James Taylor

 

He has to first be honest for once before I go to his therapist. I'm not going as the OW, but as the woman who is carrying his baby.

 

And I will not go until he tells his wife, comes clean with all, and leaves her like he says he will.

I have a feeling that's where it will get interesting for all involved.

 

Well, we'll see what happens. The saga goes on.

Indeed it does.

[mistresswchildren]

On a brighter note, I did receive a very nice email from MM tonight. He said that he needs to figure out where his life is taking him, and he realizes that his life changed so quickly--and he's a huge part of that reason. He said he wants more than anything to be a good father to this child, and he's going to try very hard to be the best he can be. He wants to be the father he never had.

 

 

He said first thing he needs to do is tell his W, and for once leave her since he is unhappy, for himself--not for the baby's sake, and not for my sake--solely himself.

 

 

Second he said that he's been contemplating this for a while, but he thinks it's time he seeks therapy about his situation. He asked if I could go to an appointment with him and tell the therapist how I view him so that the therapist can work with him on those issues. He said he made an appointment for sometime this month to go. Depending on how things go, I'll see whether or not I'll attend with him--but under circumstances. He has to first be honest for once before I go to his therapist. I'm not going as the OW, but as the woman who is carrying his baby. And I will not go until he tells his wife, comes clean with all, and leaves her like he says he will.

 

And third, he apologized for how things have been these past few days, and realizes right now he needs to make my life as less stressful as possible. He reminded me he's not perfect. Well I know he isn't, and I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect him to take responsiblity for his actions.

 

I responded and said he can do what he wants, but I have my own feelings and a child to protect. I'll believe it all when I see it. I'm open for anything--that's the crunchy part of me. He asked that I give him a few weeks to sort this all out, but to please not change my commute schedule, and to not ignore him when he calls me. He asked that I help him be a better person. Well, I will help him because I am that way--I like to help those who desperately need help. But I told him too that he has deeply hurt me over and over and he needs to stop doing this now or to take a hike.

 

Well, we'll see what happens. The saga goes on. I'll give him the few weeks he asked for to see if he begins to make these changes he once again promies. Like I said, we'll see... I'm not giving him a tight ultimatium either--who am I to give him that? This was his idea to do all this. He "says" he wants to make these changes, be a better person, and be the father he never was. So, we'll see. Everyone deserves a makeover. But I don't have high expectations. LIke I said, I'll believe it when I see it. But I do believe he can change his ways.

 

I am still very angry with him, but I cannot hold grudges for long. It's unhealthy, and it's not my character to do so. I find good in everyone--always have and always will (with the exception of a few of course).

 

So that's where I'm at.

G

So, I am reluctant to trust him still. My question for you is if he actually does leave his wife (which I sincerely hope that he does), will you be with him? I totally understand if the answer is yes because I would do the same. Just remember to stick to your plan. He still has to prove all of this to you. Time and again I have said "This is your last chance." Time and again, I could not stick to my word. The way he chooses to be a father will show what type of man he is capable of being. Other people might argue with me on that point, but it does show a lot about a person. I hope he comes through for that baby. If he doesn't, it truly will be his loss.

[Gwyneth]

Yes, and here is how deeply connected he feels to his own flesh and blood, his own child:

 

 

I'm not necessarily advocating freezing him out completely. I will even grant that there is something noble (if naiive) about your holding open the door to having the father involved in your child's life. I just think, based on what you have described about him, you should protect yourself from the possibilities that he won't rise to the occasion, that he won't change into a good father, that he won't care about his flesh and blood in your womb any more than he cared about his flesh and blood in his wife's, and that you have not heard the last of his lies.

 

What he likes is the idea of a-woman-being-pregnant-by-him. Why do you think he slipped off the condom? An actual live child, his own flesh and blood? Eh, he didn't really want "that" baby anyway. If you really expect him to be moved by his own flesh and blood, why would the one in your womb be any different?

 

I'm not harping on you to make you feel bad, I'm trying to broaden your perspective, because I hear you saying "he lies about everything, I can't ever trust him," followed by "...but about this, I choose to believe him because it's his own flesh and blood..." Well, he doesn't have a very convincing track record in that area.

 

 

 

Sounds like generally a reasonable course, but then:

 

So even though this is solely about himself, he wants you to continue to satisfy his relationship needs in the meantime. OK.

 

To use me up and to rob me blind, I guess it shouldn't surprise me.

Fighting and flashing like a fish on a line, my God, he must despise me...

-James Taylor

 

 

I have a feeling that's where it will get interesting for all involved.

 

 

Indeed it does.

 

I agree with all you have said. I can only go by what he tells me, and by what he actually does--of course. I also can only go by what he said about his wife being a mother--that she isn't a good one, and lets her son do whatever he wants. Well, that's his word--I don't know first handedly, but when he told me this months ago, I believe him. I had no reason not to--I didn't even really care. He also always said he didn't think he wanted a child with her because of how she raised and is raising her son (from her ex husband). Again, these were his words, and I don't know both sides of the story. But I chose to believe him because either way, it didn't change my life. Well now it does, because now I am going to be the mother of his offspring...lucky me Even when he told me she is pregnant, he had no excitement in his voice, and even said before definitely finding out "I hope she isn't." Well, again, his words. I again chose to believe him because at the time, it didn't effect my life one way or the other, other than the fact our affair would have been OVER if she was pregnant. Well then I became pregnant around the same time (I think she was a week or two ahead of me).

 

I don't know why God chose to miscarry her baby. I don't thik it's fair, but life has a funny way of happening. Am I upset she lost her baby? Yes--it's always upsetting to hear about this. I lost a baby, but by choice, and itw as awful. I can't even imagine what losing a baby without choice is like. I seemed more upset than he acted about the loss of that baby. His response was that it wasn't meant to be, and he didn't want that baby. Sometimes he really talks out of his a**. But he "assured me" he wants our baby. Well, I'm having it whether he does or doesn't want this baby. And he has two choices--either be a man and a father, or take a hike. But I realize that the legal system has more to say than I, so I am just going with the flow for now.

[Gwyneth]

G

So, I am reluctant to trust him still. My question for you is if he actually does leave his wife (which I sincerely hope that he does), will you be with him? I totally understand if the answer is yes because I would do the same. Just remember to stick to your plan. He still has to prove all of this to you. Time and again I have said "This is your last chance." Time and again, I could not stick to my word. The way he chooses to be a father will show what type of man he is capable of being. Other people might argue with me on that point, but it does show a lot about a person. I hope he comes through for that baby. If he doesn't, it truly will be his loss.

 

No no no...it's not like that at all. He understands I don't want him like that. He isn't leaving his wife in hopes to be with me--he's planning on leaving her for himself. He knows I am somewhat with another guy right now, and that I think he's a compelte knucklehead. He also knows that if he Ever cheated on me, he'd be manless... In order for me to be with him, he'd have to do some major life changing--I mean Massive changes to his life. He's incredibly sexy, but that's about it. Being incredibly sexy isn't the thing I look for in a future husband, though. That man is going to need some dignity, respect, and total direction in life toward positive and good things.

 

Thank you, MWC. You are Very inspiring

[mistresswchildren]

typically, incredibly sexy makes really pretty babies, just so you know;)

[Gwyneth]

typically, incredibly sexy makes really pretty babies, just so you know;)

 

 

ha-ha! Well if that's the case, then this baby will be one hot baby because I'm sexy too

[whichwayisup]

His actions in the future will show you whether or not he intends on following through on what he told you in his email. Until then, expect nothing that way you don't get disappointed.

[Gwyneth]

His actions in the future will show you whether or not he intends on following through on what he told you in his email. Until then, expect nothing that way you don't get disappointed.

 

That's exactly what I am planning on doing. I think with my head, not my V

[EnigmasMuse]

I'm not sure why some people enjoy beating a dead horse.

[whichwayisup]

I think with my head, not my V

 

Yeah you need to keep your V away from his P........lol