Issues & tissues Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) As anyone following my threads will know, my boyfriend of 10 years (living together for 9) broke up with me 3 months ago and moved out of our apartment a month later. Shocked and devastated, I managed to pick myself by the bootstraps, by posting on LS and focusing on me instead of him. It has been a long and difficult journey but I feel I have been making gradual progress and good recovery. Since the break up I have not initiated any contact with the ex from my side although he occasionally sends emails / text messages to see how I am doing. Mostly, I have been ignoring his emails or putting off answering them for a long time and if I do reply I keep it short and polite. On Friday, my ex called my mobile (the first time since picking up the last of his stuff from our apartment) and recognizing his number I ignored his call. Yesterday morning, he called again - only this time from a number which I did not recognize (his new work number I believe) and naturally I picked up the phone. I was surprised to hear his voice and tried my best to come across as happy and upbeat as he chatted about himself (mostly about how well he is doing and how much happier he is now that he living on his own ). We hung up about 20 minutes later with him making vague promises of us having to go to the cinema or out for dinner sometime soon. As expected, as soon as we hung up I came undone. I fell apart and kept bursting into tears at various intervals throughout the rest of the day. His call had been so unexpected and I really wasn't ready for a friendly chat. I now realize that all emails and phone calls from the ex really have got to stop. They serve no purpose but to make me feel sad and miserable. He has no plans of reconciliation and I suppose the only reason he stays in touch is that it makes him feel less like the bad guy knowing that we can "still be friends". But as long as he is still emailing / calling I know that I can not move on 100%. Perhaps in the distant future we can be friends but right now I know that this is very destructive for me. How can I communicate to the ex that his calls and emails are no longer appreciated? How can I make him realize that as the dumpee he just has to accept that we can not be just "friends"? Doesn't he realize that I have not made any effort to keep in touch with him since we broke up? I am thinking of writing him a polite yet firm letter/email or a phone call explaining to him that right now we cannot be friends and asking him not to contact me - not by phone, nor email or text. Should I really do this or just keep moving on without a word until he finally gets the message? I really wish he would leave me alone and that I didn't have to be the one to say this to him. Edited March 30, 2008 by Issues & tissues Link to post Share on other sites
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Just be honest. Explain that you appreciate that he's trying to stay in touch but, as of now, it's still too hard to try to be friends. If he's any kind of man he'll understand. Hell, I hate to admit it, but he'll probably be vaguely flattered that you're still emotional about the whole thing. Yeah, I know it's sick but it's how we guys work. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Here's a sample email: Dear Ex: It's time to move on. I don't want to be your friend or anything else, so if you have any residual respect for my feelings, please stop contacting me. Much appreciated. Take care, Issues and Tissues Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Here's a sample email: Dear Ex: It's time to move on. I don't want to be your friend or anything else, so if you have any residual respect for my feelings, please stop contacting me. Much appreciated. Take care, Issues and Tissues I like the simple approach. Dear Ex, Please stop any and all attempts to contact me. You chose to walk away, you deal with the consequences. I do not want/need you in my life. Signed, Me. I wouldn't tell them it's appreciated. It's demanded Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I like the simple approach. Dear Ex, Please stop any and all attempts to contact me. You chose to walk away, you deal with the consequences. I do not want/need you in my life. Signed, Me. I wouldn't tell them it's appreciated. It's demanded Haha...I was trying to use a little...tact. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 both caliguy and trial's emails were short and sweet and to the point, however you could also just change your phone number and that might help. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Haha...I was trying to use a little...tact. Meh. Guys don't listen to tact. They listen to facts Link to post Share on other sites
melusine71 Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 In my opinion, words aren't necessary. If you want to stop talking to him, I wouldn't give him anything to reread and analyze. If you answer and its him, hang up. Or you could go, "Oh ZZzzzz Oh no... you're breaking up... CCCZZssshhh" and then hang up. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Meh. Guys don't listen to tact. They listen to facts How about this one: Dear Ex: Peese awwffff!! I think that's pretty succinctly factual, no? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 How about this one: Dear Ex: Peese awwffff!! I think that's pretty succinctly factual, no? That might work. So does "Eff you and the horse you rode in on, pal!" Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 For some guys, I would suggest serving them a court order. Works great on those alpha males and shows them you mean business. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) I wish a simple "Go away!" would actually take. I wonder what part of "go away" doesn't make sense to some of these people. Sometimes, I have to stop and wonder at the sheer nerve and audacity they have: I don't know if they're being idealistic in keeping in touch or being sincere or being just plain foolish. It's important to be firm. If he's shown the slightest evidence of weakness, that you're swaying from your resolve, then he'll know that you don't mean it entirely when you say to leave you alone. There's truth in that I'll admit, but if he cares for you then he'll respect your "Don't call me, just don't get in touch with me" wishes. Edited March 31, 2008 by 0hpenelope Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Here are a few ideas..... http://robotrobotlove.livejournal.com/10657.html Link to post Share on other sites
Ssheena Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Dear X, I am not ready to be your friend and would appreciate it if you would stop contacting me. While I am glad your life is going wonderfully, I just am not at a place where I can be friends with you. Please do not contact me again. Sincerely, The one that got away and it's your loss buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 my vote is with SAY NOTHING. If you say: I'm not in a place - you're implying you're still on the hook. If you say: p*ss off - you're implying you're still on the hook. Just say nothing. Totally ignore. It hurts them worse! Especially if they've just been contacting you to boost their ego. If you're really serious, then get a new phone. The mobile companies will switch all your numbers for you and you can just text everyone before that's important and let them know! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 That might work. So does "Eff you and the horse you rode in on, pal!" "May your horse live a long and productive life". Link to post Share on other sites
City_girl Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 dating mum is righto on the moeny, say nothing xcept, I haven't got the time to chat right now, catch up soon, look after yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Siciliana Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Here's a sample email: Dear Ex: It's time to move on. I don't want to be your friend or anything else, so if you have any residual respect for my feelings, please stop contacting me. Much appreciated. Take care, Issues and Tissues I love it! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 my vote is with SAY NOTHING. If you say: I'm not in a place - you're implying you're still on the hook. If you say: p*ss off - you're implying you're still on the hook. Just say nothing. Totally ignore. It hurts them worse! Especially if they've just been contacting you to boost their ego. If you're really serious, then get a new phone. The mobile companies will switch all your numbers for you and you can just text everyone before that's important and let them know! ...if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice..." - RUSH. If you say nothing, it's the same as saying "please continue to bug me...." At some point in your life, when people are crossing a boundary, you need to let them know. Yes, ignoring them is a good way to get a message across, but it's also vague as well. I don't think telling someone to leave you alone is always a bad idea. I think when you've made a point to ignore them and they persist, telling them to bugger off is the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 How can I communicate to the ex that his calls and emails are no longer appreciated? Um, you say it exactly like that. If it were me, I would simply continue to ignore it. Switch your phones over to voicemail - get every single call intercepted so you aren't taken off guard again. Have you seen this thread..? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Issues & tissues Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Big thanks for all your replies - lots of food for thought. Perhaps it's to verbalize that I am moving on without him and that we cannot be friends (or anything else for that matter) as simply ignoring him may not give either of us the closure we really need. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 i believe it would be respectful to him and your past relationship to verbalize your desire for no contact. (tactfully, of course) it is most difficult to resolve/finalize things without stating your feelings regarding his contacts and it will most likely be beneficial to the both of you. being on the other side...i find it very cowardly, cold, and insensitive when folks just leave it to "assuming" the other will get the message. a relationship deserves some honor (i would think) regardless of the situation...just my thoughts. i really needed to hear that from my ex....something! i guess i needed that reality...that slam. however, he never responded, which i believe dragged out my resolve. take care Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted April 2, 2008 Share Posted April 2, 2008 Perhaps it's to verbalize that I am moving on without him and that we cannot be friends (or anything else for that matter) as simply ignoring him may not give either of us the closure we really need. You guys already have closure. He walked away. Simply tell him to leave you alone and be done with it. He did the walking, he doesn't then get to do the post-break-up torture thing, that's not fair. I vote for what Caliguy said - "stop contacting me". Link to post Share on other sites
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