I'm the married, and he's the other man...but is he really?

[shorty35]

I'm almost at the end of my marriage w/hubby of 11 yrs. for the past 2 yrs or so I haven't been feeling happy and fullfilled so when coming to him bout this last year, I told him the best thing for us to do is go our seperate ways once we sell the house. but since we've been in it only a yr, for all practical purposes, our best strategy is to wait till we been in it for another yr before selling. which will be in july next yr sometime.

 

in the interim of things, i met a man online who hails all the way from the beautiful island of Jamaica. we hit it off good and right away we were calling on the phone back and forth. we briefly discussed the cost of these international calls and agreed since his cell phone provider has more flexibilty, I told him I felt it would be fair if i contributed to the expense. so after bout 3 days of talking, he sent me a text saying i could wire him the $ to contribute western union. so i did, 50.00...fair enough right.

 

so after bout a month of communicating on the phone, I go see him and upon arriving, its immediately a situation where he didn't even have any money to take care of anything on my visit. so the hotel and eating expenses all fell on me. i went by where he lived at and was so stunned by the poverty surrounding i saw and his little bitty room he calls his place out of the home he shares w/other family members. but i'm not the one to judge a person by what they can give me financially, I felt really bad, cuz to me it was just another example of how much worse people in these other countries have it than we do. he explained to me the weekly minimum wage u make there is equal to 50.00 US. how can u make a living off that!

 

so anyways, also on that trip, I discovered several other western union receipts from other women from all over, including the UK. the most recent one being for 150.00 which he picked up that same day i was there according to the date on it. yes at first i thought, this should be a red flag for me, what is this man up to? but i just pushed that thought to the back of my mind, telling myself, things have obviously got to be that bad for him to have to ask for help from others. so again i felt bad. the visit as a whole was ok. i can tell u, he was so sweet and nice to me on the phone where as in person, that attitude wasn't really portrayed. it was more like a distant attitude, not really willing to be close to me, or display as much affection or attention. he wouldn't even do any kind of real foreplay or kissing prior to having sex. and it was like that for a long while on my subsequent visits to him. his explanation was he has to get to know someone better and be comfortable w/them to do that.

 

so alot of things i just left it at that. then I discovered another girl he was seeing on myspace. which was the same one that sent him the $ when i was there. one thing led to another, then i finally messaged her to find out what was really going on and to tell her bout me since he kept sending me in circles w/his answers. she basically said in reply that she doesn't understand why he is saying those things to me, and that they've been together for 2 yrs now are happily in love and that she's not going anywhere anytime soon & for me to find another jamaican to mess with and finance. so i thought to myself, "finance"\?" what an odd choice of words....what was that bout? so she went back and told him and when things blew up, I basically told him i don't feel comfortabe with this and if she's in the picture, i am going to leave him alone. actually, i tried leaving him a couple times. each time i tried, he would blow up my phone, every day and say he is going to leave her alone but just needed time to cuz he don't wanna break her heart. then on my visits there, i would see sweet text mssgs and when i questioned him bout that, he finally told me that since i am married, he doesn't think its fair that i expect him to be exclusive to me since i can't give him the same. and that he cares alot bout me and promised he won't hurt my heart and he won't put any women out there in my face and if we could just leave it at that till i am divorced. so i agreed. i believed this man really was sincere, he really cared and thats all i wanted.

 

during this time, after my first visit, he explained to me bout his music business and how he's been struggling for 2 yrs to get it off the ground. so i asked him if there was anything i could do to help and thats when he asked me for 1000.00 for some music plug in's to record at the studio. then a short time later he asked me for a laptop to burn and record the music. so i got him one and took it to him also. then around the time that I messaged the other girl, he got really upset with me, and we didn't speak for bout a week. but prior to that situation, i had already booked aticket to see him within a couple weeks so i broke the ice and contacted him and asked him if he could pick me up at the airport. he said he couldn't cuz his car is messed up and needed more tires. so i offered to help again and wired him 250.00. it was either that or he said he couldn't pick me up. then one time when i was at work, he text me saying he was hungry and had no money and asked if i could send him some. so i wired him 100.00 then.

 

then 4 mths into the relationship, he asks me for money to help with his music again and i told him i couldn't as i had to pay down some credit cards i had been using and that week, i didn't here from him for 3 days untill i called him and he told me that his nephew had passed and him and his sister are trying to make funeral arrangements but didn't have any money to pay for it so he had been running around trying to get some money for it. so he told me whatever i could offer would be helpful so i sent him 550.00. then bout 6 months into the relationship, i was on my way to another visit to him again and he said his car was shot and undrivable because of the heat pump. so i helped out again and wired 500.00 to him. then in february i purchased a spiderman birthday theme set for his 3 yr old plus contributed 100.00 for the birthday and then his 16 yr old had another birthday 2 weeks later so i contributed 150.00 to that after he was telling me he needed $ to buy the cake and icecream and stuff for the party.

 

finally on my last visit there 7 mths in our relationship, he told me he needed to make a change in his life as he is tired of having to depend on others and not being able to provide for himself and kids the way he wants to. so he told me bout this business proposition that involves buying cars from overseas that need minor body work and reselling them after the repairs. so in the middle of making love, he asked me for 5000.00 to help him get started. the next day, he agreed to sign an agreement for the loan and that he would pay me back out of his first profits received. i told him i was very nervous and scared i would give him this money and won't hear from him anymore. cuz up to this point, during the whole course of our relationship, he was calling me everyday, we'd talk bout having a life together, he told me numerous times that i am someone he could see himself sharing a life with, that i had potential as a good wife. but one thing he always kept it honest with me bout was not being in love with me yet. he never fooled me into thinking he was, he'd tell me he cared a lot bout me and that he knows with time, he can fall in love with me.

 

so being that all this time, he always kept it real with me and never portrayed himself to me as a man with empty words of promises, i felt it was safe enough to trust his sincerity in asking for this loan and that he promises to keep me in the loop of his progress w/buying and selling the cars. so when i returned home, i did get the loan for 5000.00 and went back to Jamaica a week later and gave it to him in cash. he said he deposited it in a US bank there.

 

that happened on march 14(this year) since then he i do have to admit he has kept true to his word. he still calls me and texts me sweet messages daily.sometimes though he won't call me for a day or two and considering the circumstances of course i'd get extremely worried. but on the days he doesn't call, he sends me the sweetest words on his text messages and now even calls me his love. and when we don't get to talk on the phone, we chat in the evenings on the pc. there are still my concerns bout other women, one in particular that i know he's involved in based on text messages i saw. but when i ask him about it, his whole deal is i don't have to worry bout them, and that me and him are good. and that as long as i'm doing what i need to do as his woman, i shouldn't be concerned bout him leaving me for someone else cuz he wouldn't do that. and plus he also is constantly telling me that I have a real good ----sy and he is not giving that up for nothing:eek::eek:

 

and during our chats, he is very sweet and kind to me. he constantly tells me he misses me. so now here i am and i the fears that i had of being used, i can't really honestly say there's nothing that he's doing after its all said and done, that is making that fear apparent. otherwise why would he even bother calling me, texting me or have no communications anymore if thats all he was really after right? and that maybe it was just me all along being so afraid of taking the risk for love. but now i really feel that there is a chance, that with time, and me showing him i am willing to stand by him and support him, he will see out of the rest, i am the one that really made a difference in his life. and that after my divorce next year, we can take steps to build a life together. during my relationship with him, he has told me he has 5 kids w/4 moms, 3 are here in the states and the other 2 are there in jamaica with him. me, I have a 12 yr old daughter. we've both met each other's kids, and i've met his family and friends while there on my visits with him. i've fallen in love with him and so there's no turning back for me now. ok well thats my story, thanks for listening. I welcome any and all suggestions, comments, questions...ect. in fact, I do ask for any point of views offered...thanks have a nice day;)

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are setting yourself up for a world of heartbreak.

 

I think you find that when you are divorced and entirely his that he will inch away from you as fast as you are inching toward him. It sounds like he is happy with a part time bankroll that allows him to continue having as many different women (and other bankrolls) in every port - and he will not be happy with you full time and shutting down his other women (and bankrolls). You are fine as a part time girlfriend and ATM, but I don't see any indication that he is going to want more than that. It is easy now. Technically, you aren't 100% free and can't be with him 100% of the time. I would bet that is the way he likes it. Oh, and when you are out of money, he will be done with you regardless.

 

You would be better off going in your backyard, digging a hole and just throwing money into it every day. At least when you are done throwing your money down the hole you can get it back by digging it up. You'll never see a dime of your money back with this guy.

 

why would he even bother calling me, texting me or have no communications anymore if thats all he was really after right?

 

Because he wants to keep the money flow going.

 

but now i really feel that there is a chance, that with time, and me showing him i am willing to stand by him and support him, he will see out of the rest, i am the one that really made a difference in his life.

 

I'm sure he made every women he got money from feel that way.

 

It is sad that you can't or won't see what you are getting yourself into. I suppose when the money runs out and you are tired of scraping by to support him and all of his expenses you'll see.

[Gwyneth]

I agree, you are truly setting yourself up for a heartbreak.

 

And this is one of the few reasons why I don't participate in online dating...

 

For your safety, please stop visiting him in Jamaica. Jamaica is very crime populated, and I am not sure where you are from, but you need to first stop going there. Second, you sent the other girl a message and she told you the situation--why does she have a reason to lie to you? He does--and his Lame excuse that you're married is not doing it for me. He's clearly using you for $$$, and I know you don't want to hear that, but you need to focus on the big picture here.

 

Stay away from this man--he's no good.

[Mrmojorisin]

You need to step WAAYYYY back and look at the big picture. Lets lay out the facts.

 

1. 5 kids w/4 moms----Give me a break if it were the other way a woman w/ 5 kids from 4 daddys you would call her a slut/tramp/whore whatever..He is the same damn thing

 

2. He keeps asking for money. When has he ever given you anything? A true relationship is give and take on both parties, both ways. You are giving and he is taking. (Your money and sex) The only thing he is giving you is a line of bull****.

 

 

RUN, LADY, RUN---IT IS A SCAM HE IS DOING THE SAME CRAP TO A LOT OF WOMAN AND YOU ARE FALLING FOR IT TO...

 

You need to stop now before you end up so deep in debt, it will take a crane to pull you out...

[norajane]

I agree with everyone else - he is using you for money. He sweet talks you still because he knows you have given him money in the past, and will probably do so again, so he doesn't want to shut off the communication yet. It's what he does with all the online women he sweet talks. You are one of many, not the only woman in his life.

 

Stop contact with him, NOW. This is not a love affair. You are paying for his attention.

[michelangelo]

He asks you for 5K DURING sex?

 

Um, hello, anyone home? The lights are out!

[Darth Vader]

Um, Lady, not only are you hurting your hubby by riding another man, you're also hurting your hubby finacially, because you're married to your hubby, hubby can be sought for compensation by the bank, or where ever you got the loan! Are you really trying to scew your husband over 10 ways? Sure look like it!

 

Are you going to tell your hubby what you've been doing, or is hubby going to have his life ruined because of your Crappy actions? What kind of STDs are you giving your hubby?

 

Quit being sooooo selfish!

[vanilla chai]

Good lord this guy is scamming you real good.

[shorty35]

why would it not be reasonable to believe that its possible he does care bout me? i understand that it appears i'm being used, but this man has been upfront with me bout everything, even his feelings. not once has he lied to me with empty promises of being in love with me and a bunch of bs. that in itself should speak volumes of his sincerety. usually scammers would tell u all the things u want to hear to get u to fall into their trap. but in my 8 mths of dealing with this man, not once has he led me into false hopes with empty promises and lies.

 

also i understand that a relationship is suppose to be both parties giving and taking...but he hasn't been in the financial position, as i seen with my own eyes...to offer me anything like that. but he does assure me that once he makes this money grow, it will be different. and that he will be the one sending for my electronic ticket to come see him and paying for my stay there. and once i'm divorce he will be coming here to be with me in the states.

 

if money is all he wanted from me, then wouldn't 5G's be enough to send him packing off on his way? but he's still being there for me....i know at the moment as i'm typing this, there are currently 2 women that are bickering back and forth with a lot of drama over him on myspace. and has tried to get me involved by sending me messages w/deragatory comments....

[JosieMcCoy]

Yes short35, the whole situation sounds pretty suave. 5G's would be enough. good luck!

[shorty35]

not sure i understand what u mean by suave Josie?

[Lookingforward]

not sure i understand what u mean by suave Josie?

 

It's a word she uses a LOT - who knows ?

[blind_otter]

Personally I would be extremely wary of a man who continually asks me for money and obviously has ongoing relationship with other women that also involve him receiving money. To be honest it sounds like he's a gigolo. He likely has visits from many different women at different times, and he is quite likely motivated to continue his interaction with any woman who remains willing to finance him and his children's lives.

 

$5000 isn't going to be enough to buy anyone off, especially if they know they can pull your strings to get you to continue to send them money. You are potentially a source of much more income to him than merely $5000....well to add it up, the entire sum you've given him is actually about $6800 plus the cost of laptop.

 

It really requires little to no effort to send someone nice, sweet messages.

[Lookingforward]

why would it not be reasonable to believe that its possible he does care bout me? i understand that it appears i'm being used, but this man has been upfront with me bout everything, even his feelings. not once has he lied to me with empty promises of being in love with me and a bunch of bs. that in itself should speak volumes of his sincerety. usually scammers would tell u all the things u want to hear to get u to fall into their trap. but in my 8 mths of dealing with this man, not once has he led me into false hopes with empty promises and lies.

 

also i understand that a relationship is suppose to be both parties giving and taking...but he hasn't been in the financial position, as i seen with my own eyes...to offer me anything like that. but he does assure me that once he makes this money grow, it will be different. and that he will be the one sending for my electronic ticket to come see him and paying for my stay there. and once i'm divorce he will be coming here to be with me in the states.

 

if money is all he wanted from me, then wouldn't 5G's be enough to send him packing off on his way? but he's still being there for me....i know at the moment as i'm typing this, there are currently 2 women that are bickering back and forth with a lot of drama over him on myspace. and has tried to get me involved by sending me messages w/deragatory comments....

 

Shorty, a more reasonable question at this point would be why do you feel a "relationship" and "man" like this is all you're worth?

 

Surely even you can see the HUGE red flags here ?

 

And just HOW would he be coming to the states to be with you ? You apparently have no IDEA the type of hoops you have to jump through to accomplish that legally.

[Darth Vader]

why would it not be reasonable to believe that its possible he does care bout me? i understand that it appears i'm being used, but this man has been upfront with me bout everything, even his feelings. not once has he lied to me with empty promises of being in love with me and a bunch of bs. that in itself should speak volumes of his sincerety. usually scammers would tell u all the things u want to hear to get u to fall into their trap. but in my 8 mths of dealing with this man, not once has he led me into false hopes with empty promises and lies.

 

also i understand that a relationship is suppose to be both parties giving and taking...but he hasn't been in the financial position, as i seen with my own eyes...to offer me anything like that. but he does assure me that once he makes this money grow, it will be different. and that he will be the one sending for my electronic ticket to come see him and paying for my stay there. and once i'm divorce he will be coming here to be with me in the states.

 

if money is all he wanted from me, then wouldn't 5G's be enough to send him packing off on his way? but he's still being there for me....i know at the moment as i'm typing this, there are currently 2 women that are bickering back and forth with a lot of drama over him on myspace. and has tried to get me involved by sending me messages w/deragatory comments....

 

 

Shorty, you never even answered my question, does your husband know about this guy? How much are you willing to put your husband in debt that YOU are accumulating to give to this strange man? Lady, you are screwing your husband over DOUBLE, don't you even care that you are ruining his life by your actions? Or does that not even bother you?! How would you feel, or react if your husband met a woman and did this to you?

 

Arn't you even thinking at all about how will effect your husband? What did he do to make him deserve this kind of treatment? I know the answer, NOTHING! Don't you think it strange that this OM has several other women on the side? If people like that will cheat with you, they will cheat on you!

 

ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ANYONE HERE?! HE IS SCAMMING YOU BIG TIME! YOUR HUSBAND WILL BE LEFT TO PICK UP THE TAB!

 

 

MY GOD I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE LIKE THIS! She won't even listen to people trying to help her!

[Darth Vader]

Shorty, a more reasonable question at this point would be why do you feel a "relationship" and "man" like this is all you're worth?

 

Surely even you can see the HUGE red flags here ?

 

And just HOW would he be coming to the states to be with you ? You apparently have no IDEA the type of hoops you have to jump through to accomplish that legally.

 

 

I can't believe I'm agreeing with you on this one, well, first time for everything!

[Lizzie60]

There are lots of guys like him.. this is very common.

 

I remember my first trip to Cuba (Jan. 2000 I think).. I fell for a nice young Cuban.. not in love but I liked him very much...

 

I would buy his cigarettes, he asked me to get him some stuff. which I did..

 

I return for a second trip in April the same year.. we literally lived together in my suite.. (he was an entertainer at the resort)...

 

Again, I gave him all kinds of stuff, money, etc.. I found out when I returned that he was already 'married' to a young girl somewhere in Quebec.. he had to wait a year, I think, before he could move here.

 

He finally moved.. and I heard from a friend that he dumped her and got another girl.

 

These guys are players.. they ask for money and stuff.. from many many women at the same time.. trust me.. this won't stop.. you'll get hurt eventually..

 

Dump him before he dump you.

[Lookingforward]

I can't believe I'm agreeing with you on this one, well, first time for everything!

 

Hmm, wasn't aware we HAD been disagreeing on anything

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. not once has he lied to me with empty promises of being in love with me and a bunch of bs.

 

2. usually scammers would tell u all the things u want to hear to get u to fall into their trap. but in my 8 mths of dealing with this man, not once has he led me into false hopes with empty promises and lies.

 

3. if money is all he wanted from me, then wouldn't 5G's be enough to send him packing off on his way?

 

1. This is something that unfortunately you won't know until its over.

 

2. Yes, and its working well for him. False hope, empty promises and lies are all seen in the very clear vision of 20/20 hindsight.

 

3. Why kill the goose that is laying the golden eggs? He hit the jackpot with you. He won't stop taking until you stop giving.

[shorty35]

yes darthvader, i've been told hubby in all honesty when i first started to see him and about the times i've helped him out financially. me and hubby have our own bank accounts so beleive me when i tell u, any financial help i do give is out of my own money and doesn't affect hubby in no way, shape or form.

 

i do believe that yes, this man at one point was seeing different women and probably even receiving money from them too. but even after all that there does come a point in people's lives that even a "gigolo" too would like to eventually find some one they can settle down with and be serious with. i mean, he's 38 yrs old and not getting any younger. and at some point all that playing the field gets old for a man and they get to a point where they do want to settle down, and ready for commitment, agree?

[81West]

Shorty, I'm afraid I have to jump on the bandwagon here and recommend a great deal of caution. You will agree I'm sure that there are men and women who will lie to romantic partners to acquire money, goods and other benefits with no intention of ever being faithful and committed contributors to a shared life. They exist, and I'm sure you wouldn't argue with that. They are very, very, VERY skilled at what they do, and that includes completely duping intelligent and well meaning people who simply don't see it coming. You obviously have some concerns about this or you wouldn't have laid out your story the way you have. I'd strongly suggest you quit with the loans and donations for a good period of time and see what happens.

[stillhere]

It's not all that common where you find a player that will settle down and give up the game. I'm sure it does happen, but are you willing to risk your health (who knows all the girls he's with), your heart, and your bank account?

 

I think you're aware of the fact that he's taking you for a ride, otherwise you wouldn't have posted about all the money you've sent him. I think deep down, you know what's happening, but for some reason, you want to think you're special and that he will stop doing what he's doing and be with only you.

 

I think he's happy with the way things are. It's easy for him to say the words, but i don't think he'll follow through with his promises.

 

It's up to you to continue to invest your heart and money in this man, but i can bet that you'll end up with a broken heart and plenty of debt with nothing to show for it.

[shorty35]

me,, being the special one for him to settle down with? exactly...is that so wrong? its not impossible either. yes, I appreciate and do agree, to a certain extent, with all your comments. however I also believe that I am did the right thing out of the kindness of my heart. Even he tells me over and over that he knows I'm a good person. and I really don't believe he's a man out to scam money. He's just another human being in a very unfortunate poor situation that has never had a chance given to him to get ahead in life cuz of his circumstances he was born in.

 

and I do believe he's a genuinely kind hearted person. when I'm with him, i witness him everyday we're together giving whatever money or change he has in his wallet to the beggers that approach us on the streets. that to me, doesn't sound like a selfish person who is out to scam people when he's giving of what he can himself to others..to strangers in fact.

 

i do alot of praying on this matter and I also resolve to leave it in God's hands. because after everything is said and done, at least I will feel good w/a clean conscience knowing I was willing to help another human being out in their time of need. whenever they needed me to. there should be no limit to ur kind deeds...

[stillhere]

Shorty, i'm an OW, so i can understand the wanting to be special part. I want to think i'm special enough that my MM will be with me and only me sometime in the future. But i also have to think realistically.

 

My MM does love me.............we talk daily, we see each other usually 4-5 days a week, and we spend lots of time together. Right now, we're going through a rough patch, one where i'm surprised he didn't run, but he's right by my side, not willing to give up on me or us.

 

The difference in my situation and yours is............my MM takes no money from me. None! In fact, if i purchase anything for him, he pays me back. He's usually the one giving me money. And, he loves me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.

 

If you want to donate money to charity, i have no problems with that. Yes, this man was born in a poverty stricken country, but he has more than some. He had a computer (which is how you two originally established contact) before you started giving him money. There are plenty of homeless people who have nothing close to that.

 

There are also other women giving him money. Who knows how much exactly. You may never know.

 

You have a good heart, but i think you're setting yourself up for a major heartbreak. Listen to your gut. You posted here for a reason, you know something isn't right. You know he's single, and you are soon to be single. If you were so sure about where you stood with him, you wouldn't have come here looking for answers.

[norajane]

when I'm with him, i witness him everyday we're together giving whatever money or change he has in his wallet to the beggers that approach us on the streets. that to me, doesn't sound like a selfish person who is out to scam people when he's giving of what he can himself to others..to strangers in fact.

 

Well, sure, he can do that. It's not his hard-earned money he's giving away. It's your money and all the money he gets from all those other women who send him money.