helpseeker Posted July 14, 2003 Share Posted July 14, 2003 I am looking for help on breaking my porn addiction. It has gotten to the point that my marriage is hanging by a thread. I refuse to lose my wife and children over this, but do not think I can do it on my own. Any advice as to steps to take?? Any success stories?? Please help Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 First piece of advice if you think you have an addiction, is find counseling somewhere. It sounds like your wife already knows you have a problem, so tell her you need help with it, then go find some. Barring that, what about cancelling your internet connection for a few months? Or getting your wife to set up parental controls that you don't know the password to? Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 Have a read of this site helpseeker, and GOOD LUCK and yes I think counseling is the way to go too... http://www.therapyinla.com/articles/article1102.html ~PurpleAngel~ Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 Thank you for seeing that you have a problem and wanting to take steps to solve that problem. I wish my husband would do the same thing, but I feel like Sisyphus trying to roll the stone uphill... Anyway, you have the guts to want to change yourself and I sincerely congratulate you on that. Counseling is a great idea, also let your wife know (if she doesn't already) that you are seeking help and that you also need HER help. It's a sticky, messy situation (no pun intended) but you can do it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author helpseeker Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 Thank you for your advice. And thank you Purple Angel for that link. I checked it out briefly and will check it out further later. My wife does know and is threatening divorce. I guess I didnt realized it had went that far. I have made a few calls to counselors and they all said an online support group was a good idea to start with. Since I have started making an actual effort to get help she is much more supportive. Things are getting better. It has now been almost a week with no porn. Doesnt sound like much, but considering where I was, it's a big step. Once again......thank you all Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Hey man that sounds great! Congratulations. Link to post Share on other sites
paranoiawilldestroyu Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 You must start going to a 12-step recovery program (Sex & Love Anonymous [sLA]). Additional therapy is also a good idea. You can't fight this alone. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Incognito Posted July 31, 2003 Share Posted July 31, 2003 from: Incognito Well as good O`l Dr. Phil puts it, its a personality trait and people dont change, so what we must do is replace one addiction for another that has a more positive outcome to it, we all the power to heal ourselves in matters such as this, so you simply need to take up a new hobby or stimuli to replace the one you currently have...read a book, ride a bike, spend time with your wife and kids for gods sake, get the family on bikes with wireless headsets and so communicate while riding and enjoy nature together while burning up the energy that pushes you to seek out looking at pictures of people on the internet, theres real ones that you can interact with right under the same roof, who knows you find out things about your family you never knew before. Good Luck My friend I hope all works out for you and your family, because I feel all children should grow up having both parents together until thier out of high school at least. L8R, Icognito. Link to post Share on other sites
lady_vampiress2003 Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, you will need more and harder porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. for one u need to communicate with ur wife telling her ur going to do everything possible to save this marriage cos her and ur kids mean everything to u and not worth losing over some porn site/video 2)see a councillor/therapist together and separatly to get the help he desperatly needs. 3)go to a church if ur a christian and start attending sermons/church atleast once a week this will help to bring god in ur life and help in getting rid of any spritual issues u have with this porn addiction cos it usually is spritual as well as physical. 4)spend intimate time together just the two of u with out the kids. Whever its going out to a party, restaurant, making a romantic gesture such as make a dinner/bath bath together for u both under candle light, these are good romantic getures, going out, open communication and haveing fun together are very important in order to keep ur relationship healthy and stable otherwise u wont have that closeness, intimacy and attention to ur needs which u are obviously lacking. here are some sites I looked up which may help u and to help ur wife get pass this addiction: http://www.firesofdarkness.com/index.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/This...of_the_Wall.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/Prayer.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/DearHearts2.htm http://www.no-porn.com/breaking.html http://www.sexualintegrity.org/addiction/ http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/ Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted February 12, 2004 Share Posted February 12, 2004 Some of you affected by this issue might get a kick out of this picture I found: http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20040212/lthumb.dn10402121940.porn_billboards_dn104.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
End of my rope Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color]What did it take for you to finally admit your problem and seek help? I'm engaged to be married this Septmeber and my fiance is addicted to online porn. I work days and he works nights and as soon as I leave in the morning he's up and getting online to look at porn. He lies to me about it when I ask him but I see in the history and cookies that he is. I even know he's gone so far as to set up an profile on yahoo just to use to look at porn and join groups on there. He doesn't think I know...I can't marry someone who can't tell me the truth and can't be commited to me mind body and soul. I've tried to talk to him about it and he say's he'll stop...then the very next day he does it again... He gets upset when I confront him and tells me that "It's just something guys do. We look at porn." If it was occasional it wouldn't bother me. However, it interferes with our intimate life and he's even been late to work because he's been online and couldn't seem to pry himself away...Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get him to understand he as a problem? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Originally posted by End of my rope Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get him to understand he as a problem? Explain to him that while you understand that porn is not a threat to you personally, and that many men are capable of using porn in a healthy way, it is NOT okay for him to be dependent, addicted, or otherwise unhealthily attached to pornography. Tell him that the number one manifestation of an addiction is that it harms personal relationships. Then demonstrate that you will leave if he does not seek help. Porn is a symptom, and it can be looked past and worked through. The lack of communication is a catalyst, and cannot. Don't let youreslf fall into the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
lilvoyce7321 Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 If it were me I would get rid of the computer and take up a new hobby with the wife and kids: Bowling? Sounds like you got to much time on your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Originally posted by End of my rope [font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color]What did it take for you to finally admit your problem and seek help? I'm engaged to be married this Septmeber and my fiance is addicted to online porn. I work days and he works nights and as soon as I leave in the morning he's up and getting online to look at porn. He lies to me about it when I ask him but I see in the history and cookies that he is. I even know he's gone so far as to set up an profile on yahoo just to use to look at porn and join groups on there. He doesn't think I know...I can't marry someone who can't tell me the truth and can't be commited to me mind body and soul. I've tried to talk to him about it and he say's he'll stop...then the very next day he does it again... He gets upset when I confront him and tells me that "It's just something guys do. We look at porn." If it was occasional it wouldn't bother me. However, it interferes with our intimate life and he's even been late to work because he's been online and couldn't seem to pry himself away...Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to get him to understand he as a problem? My normal stance on this issue is that I defend the right to ones own private activities viciously. However, this definitely does sound like a huge problem. Perhaps if you took notes of what time you noticed he goes on the computer to view pornography. Perhaps you could keep track of a list of the cookies that pop up (Although please note that most of those cookies are actually invasive trackers,and can pop up from regular every-day surfing. Most tend to have names such as "sextracker".) Print out the internet history. Once you have a great deal of information you can drop it right in front of him. Then you should explain why you feel it is a problem. Also, be sure to explain what you think would be acceptable. I'm thinking if he kept it private and did it on his own time a few times a week maybe, paid attention to you, and be honest enough to admit that yes he does look at porn. I think that the viewing should be private, but he seems indeed to be doing it excessively, and I don't see any reason why he has to lie and says he isn't doing it at all. If you know that he's joining such groups, and it is going to help you prove your point, get hard copied information to prove to him you know what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
jennifer2174 Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 porn addiction/sex addiction has increased. i never knew it could be an addiction/compulsion until i found out that my live in bf had this problem. i didn't know about his addiciton until after he moved in with me, had i known this before, he would have never moved in and i may not be in the situation i am right now. As far as how bad someone's addiction is, depends on what you feel when you use porn, how much time, and how much money, or how you access the porn. My bf would get a hold of his aunts, mom's or brothers credit cards and use them without their knowledge until they rec'd the bill. that is how i first found about about his addiction-he got a hold of one of my credit cards. i could not belive that he was an addict. he is such a nice, sweet, gentle human being, with a good respectable job, and his addiction has consumed his life. His addiction started out with magazines, to porn movies, to phone sex, to internet....and now apparently he likes to search for mates and pretend he is going to meet with them. I pretty much have one foot out the door, but its kinda hard to break up with someone when you live with each other and your apartment lease is not up until july, and i do love him, but i have given him to many chances and i don't think he is ready to change or give up his compulsion/addiction. to answer the question of how to break out of the addiction cycle, you will need to seek the advice of a therapist. there is an underlying reason as to why people seek out porn. just like there is an underlying reason why people drink or do drugs. it might be a long road to follow, but it is the only way to recover completely. my bf tried to recover. he has gone to therapists, and has even been to a therapists that deals with sex addiction, but he only went for a few sessions. i don't know why he stopped. the sessions might either be too painful or he himself may not want to stop his addiction. there are also support groups out there for those who are sex addictions (sex and love addicts aka SLA) and support groups for those in relationships with a sex addict (cosa-codependents of sex addicts). i'm pretty sure if you do a search on the internet you can find the website and find the group closer to your residence. i don't want to break up with him. i love him, and i want to give him another chance, but i've given him too many, and the fact that he is now "pretending" to meet other woman, is getting a bit psychologically disturbing. he won't meet these women, b/c he lies to them about what he does for a living, his degree, where he lives, etc....to make himself look better.... if anybody has any feed back on what i should do please share. (fyi-i'm 29 years old. and my bf is 31). Link to post Share on other sites
lil_suzy Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Originally posted by paranoiawilldestroyu You must start going to a 12-step recovery program (Sex & Love Anonymous [sLA]). Additional therapy is also a good idea. You can't fight this alone. Good luck. 12 step programes are great and they work only if you want them. i think it's wrong to say you "must" even in 12 step programes they don't say must. The steps are sugestions . we have a comon solution you are welcome to it. we can tell you how we recovered but you need to ask for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugar_Cube Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Hello helpseeker, i comend you on admitting you have a problem and are wanting to do something about it. I wish my husband would do the same. Actually he has admitted it, but that was about 10 months ago and has yet to do anything about it. I suggested counseling for him and us both. He refuses to go. So I'm going for myself to at least see what I should do in handling the situation for myself and own sanity. Please go get that counseling and I hope all goes well with you. Link to post Share on other sites
mtre20 Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 I dont understand why some women get upset about it. I have read many threads where women will say that there husband or boyfriend is not allowed to look at porn. Come ON, I am happily married for almost 8 years and i like to browse porn once in a while, and my wife does not care. I am faithful to her as she is to me, but i would not put up with a women telling me I cant look at porn. I really believe that the women that dont want thier husbands looking at it have serious confidence and or emotional problems. Just my 2 cents. Guys, You should download Historykill awesome program, every time you close the internet it deletes all evidence of where you have been cookies, cach, history all gone instantly, not even a program will recover your tracks. Nice safeguard to ensure your privacy from anyone who might use your computer. There are a lot of snoops out there. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 mtre20 There is a difference between looking at porn once in a while and being addicted. The people on this thread are addicted. It is a recognized addiction and requires therapy. Like booze or anything else, some people can enjoy it once in a while and others become addicts. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 mtre, i agree with moimeme. Thats exactly right. Not only that but you stated in your post that you "wouldn't put up with a woman telling you you can't look at porn". That says right there that you have no respect for a womans feelings and that you would probably choose porn over a relationship. You should be thankful then that you have a wife that says its ok,because alot of women don't feel that way. Just because your wife thinks its ok, doesn't mean thats the case for others. Peace out! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel812 Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 mtre, Hi. I'm new to this forum as of today. But I'm not shy and I thought I'd jump right on in, as this subject affects me very personally. What I would suggest to you is to do a search on sex addiction if you want to know what the big deal is. There's so much to it and it's impossible to begin to explain it all here. There are a couple of sites that I'm familiar with that might help you understand the seriousness of this addiction. http://healthymind.com/s-index.html http://www.understandingsexualaddiction.org/ I also have my own web site listed somewhere in my profile here. If you would like to see the adverse effects of sex addiction you can read several accounts there. It isn't necessarily a matter of us women having emotional or confidence problems. Mine weren't there until I found out about my husband's extra curricular activities. I'm sure there are men and women out there who can look at porn and not have it consume their lives. But there are many others where it isn't just a matter of looking. There are many instances where porn has turned into cybering, cybering has turned into affairs and so on. There are many facets of sex addiction. But the one thing they all have in common is that the addict's life revolves around their compulsive behavior. If something like that ever affects your family, say hurts them emotionally, then it's a problem. You said your wife is okay with you looking at porn on occasion. I didn't have a problem with it either until it progressed into worse things. I wouldn't wish the feelings that go along with this on anyone. Anyway, just my thoughts on this subject. Angel Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Originally posted by Butterfly_Queen Not only that but you stated in your post that you "wouldn't put up with a woman telling you you can't look at porn". That says right there that you have no respect for a womans feelings No, it totally doesn't. It means he has no respect for a woman using her feelings to circumvent communication. and that you would probably choose porn over a relationship. I think we often forget who created that choice. Link to post Share on other sites
mtre20 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 quote:and that you would probably choose porn over a relationship. I think we often forget who created that choice Very well said. I think women make a bigger issue out of it then it is. I think they use it as an avenue to bring out more personal issues, like insecurity, self esteem etc... I certainly would not choose it over a relationship, but in my life that has never been a choice. If you have a wife who censors what you can see then you are not ready for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
mtre20 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Quote "mtre, i agree with moimeme. Thats exactly right. Not only that but you stated in your post that you "wouldn't put up with a woman telling you you can't look at porn". That says right there that you have no respect for a woman's feelings and that you would probably choose porn over a relationship." It certainly does Not say i have no respect for a womens feelings. It says I am an individual and I may choose to look at certain things. I am sorry but that is what it says. I believe that a relationship is entirely a two way street. We are both accountable for our actions and our choices. I would feel controlled if it made my partner very unhappy if I viewed pornography. You have to allow each other the freedom to be an individual. I don't believe that pornography is quite the destructive device that it is made out to be , by many wives on this forum. Just inself it seems like a harmless enough activity, it isn't hurting anyone, it is not destructive to the physical body. So what is the problem??? OH' I have read that it is a severe mind altering addiction, or it has negative affects on your sex life. Ok it is like anything, moderation is fine, but if you were going nuts on it well then of course its a problem, but isn't that true with anything in life like food, alcohol, drugs, gambling. Link to post Share on other sites
mtre20 Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Quote I'm sure there are men and women out there who can look at porn and not have it consume their lives. But there are many others where it isn't just a matter of looking. There are many instances where porn has turned into cybering, cybering has turned into affairs and so on. There are many facets of sex addiction. But the one thing they all have in common is that the addict's life revolves around their compulsive behavior." Consume thier lives??? Many instances where porn has led to cybering or turned into affairs. I am sorry I know a lot of people and I have never heard of anyone going to these extremes. I am sure thier are men and women out there who look at porn and it consumes thier lives. The premis of what you are saying is that porn leads into affairs is pure bull****, and although it may have happened to you it is not the norm. Link to post Share on other sites
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