LakesideDream Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I'm taking a break from packing my rental truck for the "big move". For the last few days I've been thinking about the comments on my other thread "Bought a new home today, the adventure begins". As a LS'er for a few years now, I've been a pretty harsh voice on Infidelity and Homewrecking in general. After my divorce 8 years ago, I was a pretty bitter guy. An old flame (first love) from 30+ years before and I reconnected for a few months of white hot affair (long distance) and continued to stay in touch with varying frequency over the next 7 years. Currently I am packing up my life to move to where she lives (and presumably is still living with her Husband). Years ago I had no expectation I would ever be able to make such a move. It was literally impossible. Eventually I recovered from the chaos of a failed 25 year marriage financially, and a window of oppertunity now allows me to make the move appeared. I stepped through it. Now one of my goals is to present myself, be available to her and hope she chooses to join me for our "golden years". I know it's "wrong" I know it will hurt her husband. I know she makes me happy and that I love her. I know I'm a hypocrite. For that I apologise to all my fellow LS'ers. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Now one of my goals is to present myself, be available to her and hope she chooses to join me for our "golden years". I know it's "wrong" I know it will hurt her husband. I know she makes me happy and that I love her. Hyprocrite or not, Lakey, I'm more concerned that you're setting yourself up for a big hurt. You're assuming that she will give up her husband, her life, and run off with you, forgetting everything that she has now in her life. You may love her and she may make you happy, but in all honesty, once she finds out you're basically 'right there' there's a big chance she is gonna FREAK OUT as from far away it was one thing, but now upclose and real - Well, she could have the opposite reaction you're hoping for. THAT is my concern for you. Your heart is gonna be broken. You've given up everything and moved for her. Yet, she has no clue. She may not want to choose, she may resent you for putting her in a position to choose. From afar it was safe. Shortly, it won't be safe. Hope this makes sense.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 Hyprocrite or not, Lakey, I'm more concerned that you're setting yourself up for a big hurt. You're assuming that she will give up her husband, her life, and run off with you, forgetting everything that she has now in her life. You may love her and she may make you happy, but in all honesty, once she finds out you're basically 'right there' there's a big chance she is gonna FREAK OUT as from far away it was one thing, but now upclose and real - Well, she could have the opposite reaction you're hoping for. THAT is my concern for you. Your heart is gonna be broken. You've given up everything and moved for her. Yet, she has no clue. She may not want to choose, she may resent you for putting her in a position to choose. From afar it was safe. Shortly, it won't be safe. Hope this makes sense.. Oh yea, how right you may be. I am not a head in the sand guy. I mistake you are making is thinking I'm "giving up everything". I'm not. I am tired, bored, and generally can't wait to get out of the area I'm in. I moved here with my ex to "start over" as empty nesters. She moved here because her very long term boyfriend lived here. I have no good memories here. There is nothing keeping me here (my business is 100% portable, the move only will cause me a total of 3 months lost income which is unimportant to me). The possibility, even probability of failure doesen't matter to me. It's a better place for me to live. PLUS and maybe most important to ME: If I don't/didn't give it a try, I would forever feel the coward, and always wonder .... "If I'd only taken the chance". I don't want to remain defeated because I was afraid to committ, and enter the fray. Link to post Share on other sites
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Lake...I appreciate your candor and honesty. I think we have ALL been hypocrites at one time or another.. be it in this medium, or on this subject. I NEVER thought I would put up with being an "OW"...but yet I was involved in an EA for 3 years. I knew in my heart of hearts it was hypocritical, and if a friend or anyone else told me THEY were doing the same thing.. I would question their morals, their priorities and their sanity. On the other hand....sometimes being on the OTHER side is a real eye opener,and even humbling. It takes a big person to admit that they are wrong...or even a 'hypocrite". You have done nothing wrong in MY opinion. You are simply human. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 Oh yea, how right you may be. I am not a head in the sand guy. I mistake you are making is thinking I'm "giving up everything". I'm not. I am tired, bored, and generally can't wait to get out of the area I'm in. I moved here with my ex to "start over" as empty nesters. She moved here because her very long term boyfriend lived here. I have no good memories here. There is nothing keeping me here (my business is 100% portable, the move only will cause me a total of 3 months lost income which is unimportant to me). The possibility, even probability of failure doesen't matter to me. It's a better place for me to live. PLUS and maybe most important to ME: If I don't/didn't give it a try, I would forever feel the coward, and always wonder .... "If I'd only taken the chance". I don't want to remain defeated because I was afraid to committ, and enter the fray. Just maybe if this doesn't work out the way you have planned (hoped) something else will happen for you there. Sometimes life (destiny) has a funny way of coming around despite ourselves. Good luck either way, at least you are being honest with yourself about your motives, Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I'm taking a break from packing my rental truck for the "big move". For the last few days I've been thinking about the comments on my other thread "Bought a new home today, the adventure begins". As a LS'er for a few years now, I've been a pretty harsh voice on Infidelity and Homewrecking in general. After my divorce 8 years ago, I was a pretty bitter guy. An old flame (first love) from 30+ years before and I reconnected for a few months of white hot affair (long distance) and continued to stay in touch with varying frequency over the next 7 years. Currently I am packing up my life to move to where she lives (and presumably is still living with her Husband). Years ago I had no expectation I would ever be able to make such a move. It was literally impossible. Eventually I recovered from the chaos of a failed 25 year marriage financially, and a window of oppertunity now allows me to make the move appeared. I stepped through it. Now one of my goals is to present myself, be available to her and hope she chooses to join me for our "golden years". I know it's "wrong" I know it will hurt her husband. I know she makes me happy and that I love her. I know I'm a hypocrite. For that I apologise to all my fellow LS'ers. Lakeside, My biggest concearn is that things won't go as you would like .. and then where will you be? In a new town surrounded by people you don't know and a MW who stays with her H. This might sound negative and all.. however it very well could happen. Are you ready to except that outcome? I think you are right to question this right now. What ever you decide to do you have my support. Best Wishes. Hugs. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Lakeside, My biggest concearn is that things won't go as you would like .. and then where will you be? In a new town surrounded by people you don't know and a MW who stays with her H. This might sound negative and all.. however it very well could happen. Are you ready to except that outcome? I think you are right to question this right now. What ever you decide to do you have my support. Best Wishes. Hugs. AP:) Answer, I know what you mean. I've known for years. I never had a "perfect oppertunity" to make the move before, my fear, failing self esteem, aprehension about the finances, responsibilities to my kids (getting my daughter through her masters program, trying to keep my son out of jail (meth) and on a good path, .. all held me back. I'm sure if it all goes bad with my lady, I'll make new friends, and enjoy my life in different ways. I have always been able to handle defeat, and failure, being afraid to try..? Not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I know it's "wrong" I know it will hurt her husband. I know she makes me happy and that I love her. I know I'm a hypocrite. For that I apologise to all my fellow LS'ers. Geez, call me clueless, but I don't understand how you say you know it's "wrong," yet you are still doing it!!! Why are you moving to where she is with her husband? You are giving it all up--your life, career, family where you live now, to be with some old flame of yours from years ago? I don't understand..but good luck. It takes a brave man to pack up and move long distance to be with a woman he hopes will be with him... Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Answer, I know what you mean. I've known for years. I never had a "perfect oppertunity" to make the move before, my fear, failing self esteem, aprehension about the finances, responsibilities to my kids (getting my daughter through her masters program, trying to keep my son out of jail (meth) and on a good path, .. all held me back. I'm sure if it all goes bad with my lady, I'll make new friends, and enjoy my life in different ways. I have always been able to handle defeat, and failure, being afraid to try..? Not so much. It sounds to me like you are trying to say it's time to do what you think is right for you? While I can very much respect and understand that..think deep on this before you make that move. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Geez, call me clueless, but I don't understand how you say you know it's "wrong," yet you are still doing it!!! Why are you moving to where she is with her husband? You are giving it all up--your life, career, family where you live now, to be with some old flame of yours from years ago? I don't understand..but good luck. It takes a brave man to pack up and move long distance to be with a woman he hopes will be with him... Giving up nothing. No family lives here. Daughter is a professional in Cali, Ex is living 100 miles away. Son.. is couch surfing (at 27) in Cali, at least he stopped getting arrested a couple of years ago. My Career is 100% totally portable, I am "semi retired" and self employed. So those are not concerns anymore. Thanks for your coments though. Answerplease, To late to "think about the move", Truck is loaded! Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 When/how/where do you plan to give the news to your lady? I feel like I need popcorn! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 It's OK.. who are we to judge? At least you're honest about it.. you admit it eventhough you were preaching against Infidelity at one point... Some LSers are doing the same thing but are still preaching against Infidelity.. as if we can't see their little game.. but I doubt they will have the same candor you have. Can't stand those 'Holier than Thou' people.. Link to post Share on other sites
mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Lake, I understand the sentiment. I would do the same. Who are we to judge? You are aware of the possible consequences, and you still want to make it work. I cannot blame you for that. You are a big boy and know the ins and outs of your relationship with this woman. I hope that all goes well for you. I wish I knew more about the situation, but I am new. You know what is right for you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 When/how/where do you plan to give the news to your lady? I feel like I need popcorn! Good question. I'm not sure. I have counted on playing it as it happens. It's a small enough city that just running into each other isn't out of the question. The new furniture, and appliances I have ordered for the new house won't be available (delivered) for 3-4 weeks if all goes well, so I'll be in a half empty house. I also have all the usual post move stuff to do, changing licences, etc. It can easily take a month or a little more to "get my house" in order.. so I'm in no rush. I really would be at my best when it comes. I want to make the best of the situation, offer the best alternative to the current situation possible. I've waited 7+ years, a few weeks, or even a couple of months won't be difficult for me.. or tax my patience. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Giving up nothing. No family lives here. Daughter is a professional in Cali, Ex is living 100 miles away. Son.. is couch surfing (at 27) in Cali, at least he stopped getting arrested a couple of years ago. My Career is 100% totally portable, I am "semi retired" and self employed. So those are not concerns anymore. Thanks for your coments though. Answerplease, To late to "think about the move", Truck is loaded! Truck might be be loaded.. however YOU can unload, if need be. Good golly..I don't know just how you feel. however, I am feeling you are still unsure about all this I don't want to see you get hurt. Just my thoughts AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Truck might be be loaded.. however YOU can unload, if need be. Good golly..I don't know just how you feel. however, I am feeling you are still unsure about all this I don't want to see you get hurt. Just my thoughts AP:) Answerplease37, You have misjudged, must be my poor writing skills. I'm 100% comitted, and both happy and at peace with the decision to move. As for the total madness that I could actually unload the truck... Insane! I'd open my femoral artery first. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Hey Lakeside. I'm just wondering if you have thought about making a "true" fresh start. There are plenty of places you can go to start over. I too am worried that if it hasn't been discussed, that she may be blindsided by your move. I am just wondering why, if you have been lovers for so long that she hasn't opted to leave or husband. Has that ever been discussed? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Question and sorry if I missed it earlier... When was the last time you two had any contact? Are you in NC mode now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) Question and sorry if I missed it earlier... When was the last time you two had any contact? Are you in NC mode now? No not at all. We talk on the phone, exchange gifts, stuff like that. I decided many years ago that I couldn't "compete" if I was such a huge distance away. Literally the trip is 12 hours, and there is no commercial air service anymore. It was much easy years ago when it was "flyable". Neither of us have made any demands. I occasionally tease her about moving there. A couple of times, after a few drinks I'm sure, she's invited me. Even offered to look for a house and buy it for me once, (3 years ago), that was a teary time for her. I NEVER ask about her marital condition or status. She almost never mentions it. Many years ago, she was absolutely ready to leave.. very unhappy, but had a "Dr. Phil Moment" and decided to give it (marriage) one more try. She hasn't become any happier. When I ask her how she is, how she's "doing" her answer is always the same. She says things like "it's the same old life"... last time, she said, "well I'm one of the lucky ones, I still have a job"... (she is successful as am I, neither would need to depend on the other financially, we both individually have a suffecient income to support both, in reasonable comfort). Her husband has been chronically under employed for the majority of their marriage. Lot's of beer, smokes pot with their son (even when he was a mid teen) Often does stupid stuff that put them into financial peril. Occasionally she has given me the "I hate men" blast, followed by "except you".. I'm sure we could be long distance friends forever. Not enough for me. Closing the physical distance between us has taken a very long time. It's happening now. She may very well be afraid to have anything to do with me. And I wouldn't blame her. We are both "old" and have lots of baggage. I do know that I love her completely, and haven't been happy since we stopped seeing each other. And.. I feel secure that she loves me.. romantically. Whether that's enough or not we will find out in the near future. I am emotionally prepared for anything that could/can happen. I haven't been a happy person for a very long time, living as an emotional eunic, I have become very closed, and asocial (not anti social) I have tried to enter other relationships and failed, my heart was never "in it". Since reconnecting with her, I've never met a woman who didn't make me lonely for my cat.. (rip) no joke. I'm willing to risk almost anything for the possibility of changing that. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life being the "bitter old man" who lives down the block. I want to have someone to love, cherish, respect, and care for every minute of every day, for as long as I'm alive. I know where that someone is, and I've gotta be there to see if it can happen. Edited March 31, 2008 by LakesideDream Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 When your settled in your new place, if she doesn't freak out and the A becomes physical again, will playing second fiddle be satisfactory for you? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Her husband has been chronically under employed for the majority of their marriage. Lot's of beer, smokes pot with their son (even when he was a mid teen) Often does stupid stuff that put them into financial peril. And so it begins. The ‘dehumanizing’ process. Translation: “I must placate my conscience by convincing myself and others that the person I’m about to injure is somehow lessor than me and therefore ‘deserves’ what I’m plotting to do to him.” Oh well. No fool like an old fool, I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 I know its harsh, but I agree with Enigma on the "de-humanizing process". How many times do we see that about the BS when coming from an OM/OW or WW/WH? Lake, great...you admit that you're a hypocrite. That's a great FIRST STEP. But you're still pursuing your plan of wooing away a married woman and destroying her marriage just to get what YOU want. Your confession doesn't change that fact. My response is...you admit you're a hypocrite. So what are you going to DO about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 And so it begins. The ‘dehumanizing’ process. Translation: “I must placate my conscience by convincing myself and others that the person I’m about to injure is somehow lessor than me and therefore ‘deserves’ what I’m plotting to do to him.” Oh well. No fool like an old fool, I suppose. Good point, and I agree. In this case I went through the dehumanizing process 7 years ago. Personally I was a cuckhold, reading by gaslight for 23 years. Be assured he fact that I was/am doing the same thing wasn't lost on me. Thus the hypocrite. My delima is simple. Remain passive, thus emotionally empty, living a life with little happiness and no joy or hurt another for my personal gain. After 7 years I've chosen to be selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 When your settled in your new place, if she doesn't freak out and the A becomes physical again, will playing second fiddle be satisfactory for you? This is an excellent question by BMM. And my next train of thought - Stampdaddy's situation. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Good point, and I agree. In this case I went through the dehumanizing process 7 years ago. Personally I was a cuckhold, reading by gaslight for 23 years. Be assured he fact that I was/am doing the same thing wasn't lost on me. Thus the hypocrite. My delima is simple. Remain passive, thus emotionally empty, living a life with little happiness and no joy or hurt another for my personal gain. After 7 years I've chosen to be selfish. Is there not one unattached person in the world suitable for you to have a relationship with? And is she aware that you are moving near her yet? I gotta tell you it is pretty ballsy to assume she will be pleased with your decision. I think you are in for a very rude awakening once you ruin her safe and fun fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
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