I'm A Hypocrite

[LakesideDream]

Oh yeah! And I will be the first to admit it!

 

I have been the queen of hypocrisy at certain times in my life, for sure!

 

 

Frankly I don't know what else to do. Certain decisions (taking care of my adult son et al) were forced on me early on making me turn down the true best "window of oppertunity" had at that time.

 

Subsequently, I have spent the years rebuilding my financial well being (I let the ex have literally everything, there was no fight in me then), I have also "rebuilt" my emotional wellness, learning to cope alone with all the "stuff of life" that I had previously dealt with as part of a team. Sadly the interviening seven years also came with a pricetag. I had a medical/physical setback 4.5 years ago. While I have not, and will not recover to pre-crisis state, I have learned to live with the new limitations as well.

 

All of this while keeping the tourch lit, and staying in touch with my first and last love. While "being in touch" has been enough, I want more.. and decided a few months ago to create a situation where more would be a possibility. No a for sure thing to be sure, but a possibility. Franky I didn't know what else to do.

[amerikajin]

I'm taking a break from packing my rental truck for the "big move". For the last few days I've been thinking about the comments on my other thread "Bought a new home today, the adventure begins".

 

As a LS'er for a few years now, I've been a pretty harsh voice on Infidelity and Homewrecking in general.

 

After my divorce 8 years ago, I was a pretty bitter guy. An old flame (first love) from 30+ years before and I reconnected for a few months of white hot affair (long distance) and continued to stay in touch with varying frequency over the next 7 years.

 

Currently I am packing up my life to move to where she lives (and presumably is still living with her Husband). Years ago I had no expectation I would ever be able to make such a move. It was literally impossible. Eventually I recovered from the chaos of a failed 25 year marriage financially, and a window of oppertunity now allows me to make the move appeared. I stepped through it.

 

Now one of my goals is to present myself, be available to her and hope she chooses to join me for our "golden years". I know it's "wrong" I know it will hurt her husband. I know she makes me happy and that I love her.

 

I know I'm a hypocrite. For that I apologise to all my fellow LS'ers.

 

Humans are hypocritical creatures.

 

That out of the way, your post is thought-provoking, particularly because of its candor, which I can appreciate. The fact is, we are all sinners. I have known good people -- people I otherwise respect -- who have occasionally done things I find objectionable when it comes to their love life. And the truth is, I've done things myself that I don't really approve of either. I guess I, too, have become less judgmental over the years. Not in the sense that I don't judge. We are human, therefore we judge. But I think I have developed a better understanding of what is written in the Bible, that we are all sinners, we all fall far short of the ideal, what we know to be the "right" course of action as it relates to those around us in our neighborhoods and communities at large. I think that morality is understanding that we are going to fall short of that ideal more times than we care to admit -- yet, we still have to maintain our course if we are to be truly upstanding people who want to make positive contributions to others around us. The choice is ours everyday: we can either be givers or takers.

 

That was a mouthful. Okay, now to your situation.

 

I can understand the desire to reconnect and beat out the husband -- believe me, I do. The problem is, the chances are real good that it ain't gonna work -- that's one problem. I mean, think about all that has to happen before it can even progress into a relationship of its own. She has to file divorce papers and go through a mentally draining legal process. By the time she's done with that, who knows where her mind will be. Whatever love she may have lost over the years, there are still going to be a lot of feelings and there will be considerable emotional baggage to deal with. It will definitely affect your relationship with her, and probably not for the better.

 

My own take is, the ideal thing is to leave her alone and see if she can't sort out her issues with her husband. Of course, I understand that neither you nor she might want to drop the affair. Fair enough. Be that as it may, perhaps you should just accept that until she actually files for a divorce, maybe an occasional dose of each other is the best course of action for the time being. You can be discrete, part-time lovers. Fulfill your needs and you each go back to living your lives in the interim. Of course the problem there is, the emotions could intensify...which is exactly why I think you should take the first piece of advice.

[LakesideDream]

I can understand the desire to reconnect and beat out the husband -- believe me, I do. The problem is, the chances are real good that it ain't gonna work -- that's one problem. I mean, think about all that has to happen before it can even progress into a relationship of its own. She has to file divorce papers and go through a mentally draining legal process. By the time she's done with that, who knows where her mind will be. Whatever love she may have lost over the years, there are still going to be a lot of feelings and there will be considerable emotional baggage to deal with. It will definitely affect your relationship with her, and probably not for the better.

 

My own take is, the ideal thing is to leave her alone and see if she can't sort out her issues with her husband. Of course, I understand that neither you nor she might want to drop the affair. Fair enough. Be that as it may, perhaps you should just accept that until she actually files for a divorce, maybe an occasional dose of each other is the best course of action for the time being. You can be discrete, part-time lovers. Fulfill your needs and you each go back to living your lives in the interim. Of course the problem there is, the emotions could intensify...which is exactly why I think you should take the first piece of advice.

 

Actually, my current plans (after this chaos of moving, a house full of boxes, which are in turn 80% full of useless junk that needs to be thrown away).... Back to it...My current plan is to just "present" myself as a new across town neighbor. I will not put overt pressure on her to do anything. The woman I want will want me.. if she is the woman I want. In my old age (58) I am a pretty non confrontational guy.

 

She's had the last 7 years to "sort out" her relationship with her H. She hasn't communicated to me in that time that their relationship has improved. It doesen't mean it hasn't happened, it means she hasn't told me that it has. My attitude is that either the husband has already "beaten himself out" (a play on your wording)or he hasn't. I feel/felt that the last good card I had to play was proximity. It's hard to be in the game, from 700 miles away (especially without air service, which has been unavailable for 4 years). I don't expect her to "choose". My hope is that she will want me enough to do what it takes to be mine. Neither of us are spring chickens, she just turned 56.

 

Thanks for your comments.

[amerikajin]

Actually, my current plans (after this chaos of moving, a house full of boxes, which are in turn 80% full of useless junk that needs to be thrown away).... Back to it...My current plan is to just "present" myself as a new across town neighbor. I will not put overt pressure on her to do anything. The woman I want will want me.. if she is the woman I want. In my old age (58) I am a pretty non confrontational guy.

 

She's had the last 7 years to "sort out" her relationship with her H. She hasn't communicated to me in that time that their relationship has improved. It doesen't mean it hasn't happened, it means she hasn't told me that it has. My attitude is that either the husband has already "beaten himself out" (a play on your wording)or he hasn't. I feel/felt that the last good card I had to play was proximity. It's hard to be in the game, from 700 miles away (especially without air service, which has been unavailable for 4 years). I don't expect her to "choose". My hope is that she will want me enough to do what it takes to be mine. Neither of us are spring chickens, she just turned 56.

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

I would feel a lot more confident about your chances if she were a single woman who had already made the choice to leave her marriage and take the risk of living life on her own. She hasn't done that yet, though. I think it probably has to do with the fact that, regardless of how bad her marriage is, she can at least appreciate the stability. You may not want to acknowledge this, but I can assure you there is a part of her that will ask "How do I know for sure that my relationship to Lakeside will work out? What if we find out that we really don't click all too well?" That's the thing. She knows what she has with her marriage. She knows it sucks but there is some degree of certainty that she won't be all alone in the house when she's 65. I'm not saying it can't happen, but you really have to think long and hard about why she hasn't moved out yet. I doubt seriously it's because she hasn't had her fair share of potential suitors willing to offer her a new place to crash for the night -- she's probably quite attractive, right?

[Woggle]

To my honest you are a hypocrite. After the pain of what your ex put you through how can you then turn around and help a woman do the same thing to her husband? Why would you even be attracted to a woman who is betraying the man she promised to love in the same way your ex betrayed you and why would you stab another man in the back like this? If and when she leaves him don't be shocked when you find yourself being cheated on.

[LakesideDream]

I'm not saying it can't happen, but you really have to think long and hard about why she hasn't moved out yet. I doubt seriously it's because she hasn't had her fair share of potential suitors willing to offer her a new place to crash for the night -- she's probably quite attractive, right?

 

Actually, by any objective measure the answer would be NO. 56 year old, somewhat overweight, workaholic women are not at a premium hereabouts.

 

That being said, It does not apply to me. She attracts me like a bee to pollen. Not suprising, I've been wired that way for 40 years now.

 

An aside here. For 30+ years, including my total marriage, I had/have been attracted and aroused by a certain scent. I always thought it was a perfume, or a pheromone thing... and thought it was a bit comical. Until.... I found out it was "Herbal Essence" hair shampoo, the brand she used when we were teens, and still uses. BTW my ex never used store brands, so I didn't run into the answer in our household. Thirty years, and I never knew.

[LakesideDream]

To my honest you are a hypocrite. After the pain of what your ex put you through how can you then turn around and help a woman do the same thing to her husband? Why would you even be attracted to a woman who is betraying the man she promised to love in the same way your ex betrayed you and why would you stab another man in the back like this? If and when she leaves him don't be shocked when you find yourself being cheated on.

 

 

Yup Wogs, I could have written your post for you. I have written many times explaining that I understood the conventional wisdom throughly. As I said, I don't expect to "stab anyone" in the back. That they either have already done to themselves, or it won't become an issue.

[nadiaj2727]

I don't believe it's always the spouse's fault, but I do in this case. When a man can't or won't keep a steady job and the responsibility falls on his wife's shoulders again and again the marriage is bound to be tried.

 

When women make the same money as men it won't be as trying.

 

I still don't understand how that (or anything else) justifies a decision to cheat... two wrongs don't make a right. If the wife is so tried in the marriage and feels it can't be fixed, then she should get divorced, not shift the marital problems onto a third party and make even more of a mess of things. Plus we only ever hear the cheating party's perspective on these things... no one is a perfect partner and I'm sure the other party would defend themselves if they could. To me whatever a cheating partner says about the non-cheating partner is just an excuse to justify their own cheating. I'm not saying I can't understand why it happens, I'm saying, there's still no excuse... it's not like we should say "Oh, he didn't work hard enough, go ahead and cheat on him." That's not what marriage should be about (to me, anyway).

[OldEurope]

An aside here. For 30+ years, including my total marriage, I had/have been attracted and aroused by a certain scent. I always thought it was a perfume, or a pheromone thing... and thought it was a bit comical. Until.... I found out it was "Herbal Essence" hair shampoo, the brand she used when we were teens, and still uses. BTW my ex never used store brands, so I didn't run into the answer in our household. Thirty years, and I never knew.

 

 

Lakeside,

 

You are actually very romantic, very charming. Stampdaddy's Daddy?

 

I loved Breck shampoo myself. The scent takes me back to certain days as well....

 

You know your own mind well and it is set, so keep us posted, go carefully and come what may. Everyone needs a "Oh, What the Hell!" moment in their lives, here and there...

 

xo

OE

[carhill]

she's probably quite attractive, right?......

 

 

Actually, by any objective measure the answer would be NO. 56 year old, somewhat overweight, workaholic women are not at a premium hereabouts. That being said, It does not apply to me. She attracts me like a bee to pollen. Not suprising, I've been wired that way for 40 years now.

 

Interesting how that works. Objectively, you would likely not give her a second glance. But, yet, you cannot take your eyes off her, even when your eyes are not on her. She's always with you.

 

Am I close?

 

I'll be interested to read about any changes in your perception now that you're closer. It shouldn't make much difference, if my experience is any guide. I suspect you intend your presence to be completely neutral, not confrontational in any obvious way. Merely a reminder that all of us have options.

 

Exciting times

[81West]

 

I loved Breck shampoo myself. The scent takes me back to certain days as well....

 

OE

 

For me it was 'Body on Tap'. They haven't made it over 25 years, and I'd give anything to smell that smell today. I remember the smell of my lip gloss in my adolescece in the same way. Research backs up the strength of the emotional component of scent memories.

 

LS - I always hated Herbal Essence. LOL

[child_of_isis]

I think those who don't believe in 'soul mates' haven't met theirs yet. And maybe they won't in this lifetime.

 

You know them when you see them... that's for sure.

WF, I never used the term "soul mate" because for the first 50 years of my life I had no reason to believe that such an idealic state could exist., although I was familiar with the concept. I can understand many here who believe hit's hooey, or an endorphine induced state, and was hesitant to use the term. I thought I had described the "state" with clairity.

 

.

[Lookingforward]

I think those who don't believe in 'soul mates' haven't met theirs yet. And maybe they won't in this lifetime.

 

You know them when you see them... that's for sure.

 

Agreed. Unfortunately sometimes your "soulmate" is unavailable.

[LakesideDream]

Interesting how that works. Objectively, you would likely not give her a second glance. But, yet, you cannot take your eyes off her, even when your eyes are not on her. She's always with you.

 

Am I close?

 

I'll be interested to read about any changes in your perception now that you're closer. It shouldn't make much difference, if my experience is any guide. I suspect you intend your presence to be completely neutral, not confrontational in any obvious way. Merely a reminder that all of us have options.

 

Exciting times

 

 

The biggest change up until now is that my head is on a perpetual swivel. I went to Lowe's today to buy some trash cans... swivel. To fast food last night, swivel. To a decent restruant tonight, swivel.

 

I will be happy in 10 days when the new Refridgerator is delivered so I can shop and start cooking at home.

 

I would really rather not have her walk up behind me.. it's a possibility though. I have lots of things to do before I will feel "ready" to entertain guests.. right now the only person I could impress would be a box salesman.

[Lookingforward]

.. right now the only person I could impress would be a box salesman.

 

 

LOL, in the middle of moving myself right now so know what you mean

 

The question is, are you keeping the boxes or trashing them ?

 

Most of mine have seen heavy duty the past few years and am finally trashing most and hoping not to need new ones for QUITE a while. I also have the "wtf did I pack THIS for" moments happening too WTH don't we trash it before we pack it ?

[child_of_isis]

I think that is the case more often than not.

 

I think that will change soon.

 

Agreed. Unfortunately sometimes your "soulmate" is unavailable.

[LakesideDream]

LOL, in the middle of moving myself right now so know what you mean

 

The question is, are you keeping the boxes or trashing them ?

 

Most of mine have seen heavy duty the past few years and am finally trashing most and hoping not to need new ones for QUITE a while. I also have the "wtf did I pack THIS for" moments happening too WTH don't we trash it before we pack it ?

 

I'm trashing most of them. Don't feel to bad either. I'm having whole hours of "why did I pack this crap".... open a box, throw 80% in the trash, after packing it, loading it, hauling it 700 miles, and unloading it. In a couple of months it'll feel like I've been here for years.

[Lookingforward]

I'm trashing most of them. Don't feel to bad either. I'm having whole hours of "why did I pack this crap".... open a box, throw 80% in the trash, after packing it, loading it, hauling it 700 miles, and unloading it. In a couple of months it'll feel like I've been here for years.

 

Hah ! Gotcha beat - I hauled some of MY "crap" over 9,000 miles LOL

[LakesideDream]

I started this thread back in April.. '08. I knew it then, I know it now.

 

I'm am bumping this for review, or the sordid details as it's been refered to lately on the other thread.

[White Flower]

Hah ! Gotcha beat - I hauled some of MY "crap" over 9,000 miles LOL

Lordy Be! That is quite a distance!

[OWoman]

Lordy Be! That is quite a distance!

 

Just done the same - and I'm wondering about some of the stuff I left behind...

[White Flower]

Just done the same - and I'm wondering about some of the stuff I left behind...

Let the kids take care of it.....you can always go back and visit 'the stuff'.

 

Hows the new homestead?

[OWoman]

Let the kids take care of it.....you can always go back and visit 'the stuff'.

 

I'm worried that they may think some of it needs to be kept, when most of the boxes I lugged home when I cleared my office can just be binned!

 

Hows the new homestead?

 

We had our first real "chores" day today - everything now gleaming and shining! Still get blushing smiles when MM's teenage son walks past lacy underwear drying on a clothes horse or giggles when the florist delivers yet another bouquet from MM's parents to welcome me "in case the others have faded by now", but I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon.

 

It's early days yet, but so far everything is going remarkably well!

[White Flower]

I'm worried that they may think some of it needs to be kept, when most of the boxes I lugged home when I cleared my office can just be binned!

 

 

 

We had our first real "chores" day today - everything now gleaming and shining! Still get blushing smiles when MM's teenage son walks past lacy underwear drying on a clothes horse or giggles when the florist delivers yet another bouquet from MM's parents to welcome me "in case the others have faded by now", but I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon.

 

It's early days yet, but so far everything is going remarkably well!

AWW! What wonderful parents he has!!! Hug them for me;)